Dear J,
(insert name of rejectee)

We regret to inform you that your credentials are crap. We cannot comprehend the logic behind yout application to our insitution. What, may we ask, made you think you had a chance to be accepted at Brown University? We understand that we are a very popular school, but we do not feel that that justifies your highly under qualified application.

Although we are not rejecting you outright, we fell that it is important to inform you that we actually do not reject anyone at this early stage, in order to conserve paper and computer space, as outright rejection would necessitate the usage of yet another form letter. We feel that we have already expended far too much effort on reviewing your application, but, as we appreciate the $65 that you will never physically view again in your entire life, nor see put to productive use unless you visit our school on a purely tourist-basis, we feel that we might as well soften the blow by allowing you to tell all of the numerous people that you have let down that you have only been "deferred."

As we are not accepting you, only "deferring" you, we realize that it might not have been painfully obvious upon seeing this letter and remarking upon its weightlessness and cheap Grade S paper that you are not going to be attending Brown in the near future (or any future, for that matter, unless you scrape together the funds to buy us a new library hint! hint!), as those that are actually qualified to sttend Brown are far superior to you, not only in talent, participation, and ass-kissing, but also, and above all else, in intellect. We are a sensitive organization, and we understand that some students of your age are, shall we say, "intellectually-challenged." It is for this reason that we would like to make sure that you will not be in any way confused by this letter or its intent. So please ask aloud: "Have I been accepted to Brown University?" And I will now answer: "NO, you dumb cooze."

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call me, as there will be a nice 2-minutes suicide intervention pre-recorded tape that has been made especially for you. It is ready and waiting! But while we may sympathize with the disappointment, nay, extreme clinical depression, you must be experiencing right now, we would like to ask you to reconsider mentioning Brown University anywhere in your suicide note, as any such association between your lifeless corpse and out institution may be a drawback in our annual evaluation and rating by U.S. News and World Report magazine. Although it is likewise true that we have numerous high-paid lawyers working for us who could, considering your genes and annual income, sue the bejesus out of your parents, we would like to steer clear of this path altogether, if at all possible.

Very Sincerely,

M.G.

.G.
Director of Admission