A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Next Sunday why don't you try putting a little vodka in your chalice to help you relax?" So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice and talked up a storm. After mass he again asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said fine, but there were a few small details that had to be straightened out.

1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
10) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
11) Moses parted water at the Red Sea, He didn't pass water.
12) We do not refer to Judas as El Finko.
13) The Blessed Virgin Mary will not be called Mary with the Cherry.
14) And finally, we do not refer to the Pope as the Godfather.