June - September 1997

IT'S BEEN A WHILE:

Perhaps I should explain. You haven't seen the Tirade for a while now due to several intangible factors, the most notable being general languor accompanied by cravings for large amounts of Pringles, Mountain Dew and Simpsons re-runs. However, there should have been a fresh, hot-off-the-press tirade delivered to your door not long ago....but I must say a completely unexpected and astonishing turn of events dashed any hopes of delivering to you, my dear reader, the Tirade that you have come to know and love. I'll let you in on my horrible journey as we zig and zag through a very long, and very stuffy, Toy Tirade report.

WHO WANTS BATMAN? I DO! I DO!:

A highlight of the San Diego comic convention, for me, was the flabbergasting new Man-Bat figure from the Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight line. This son of a gun weighed in with a 15 foot wing span and articulation that would put Todd McFarlane to shame. To boot, big Bat fans get a tiny little security badge on Man-Bat's torn shirt that belongs to none other than Kirk Langstrom! That's what I call attention to detail. Along for the Dark Knight wave are Jungle Range Robin (yawn) and Underwater Assault Batman (double yawn). Don't forget a brand-spankin' new Penguin, complete with "ugly mug" sculpting. Those of you who have been scanning the aisles are probably quite aware of the fact that Harley Quinn has finally found inclusion into the Animated line, and up next is none other than the Mad Hatter! Rejoice, all ye faithful. Kenner has proven, through the Batman and DC lines they currently run, that when the fans demand a figure, they will more likely than not end up gettin' what they want. I smell a deluxe "New Costume" Superman on the horizon.

I WANNA BE AUSTIN 3:16:

Basically, I awoke from a drunken stupor on a Sunday, only to find myself in an old toy store holding a Robin Dragster in one hand, and a torn-up, ragged Dragster box in the other. In front of me was an irate store owner, and well, he beat me to a bloody pulp. After wandering around the city streets, all the while losing large quantities of blood, I decided to take a nap on a park bench, but who was sitting on the bench, much to my surprise? You guessed it! Peter Mayhew. Well, Mayhew, in all his Chewie-ness, was obviously repulsed by my disgusting appearance. He walked off in a huff, but not before rustling around a nearby shrubbery and relieving himself. By this time, I was sure I was dreaming, so I nodded off, and when I awoke....I was in the center of the ring at Madison Square Gardens. As soon as I spotted "The Fink" announcing the entrance of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, I knew I was a dead man. Needless to say, I was priority mailed back to Canada, where I decided it was high tide the fans got what they deserved --- A new Tirade to call their own!

TOTAL JUSTICE OR TOTAL FAILURE?:

Dream another dream, folks, this one is OVER. Total Justice is out of here...gone...kaput...trashed. The surprising announcement from Kenner will easily have the hardcore DC fans sobbing and lusting for sweet vengeance (write Kenner and let your growl be heard). In circulation is Parallax (awesome!), Huntress (sweet!), Green Arrow (hot damn!) and Black Lightning (insert crickets chirping). What this all means is that this latest wave was snagged off the shelves early in production....therefore, what we have here is a bonanza for the cousins of the collectors and hobbyists...the insane market monger. Low supply, high demand, and now high media hype equals big bucks.

SINCE WHEN DID I COLLECT BEANIE BABIES?:

In order to prepare for this edition of the TT (Toy Tirade; as the 'net hep cats have come to call it), I decided to take up racquetball and yoga. After several weeks of high-impact training and bingeing on raw eggs and cocoa puffs cereal, I decided I was ready to bring forth the Tirade. Unfortunately...I got drunk once again. Not surprisingly, I awoke a week later, but this time in my room at home, passed out on my Black Flag record collection and holding a Theater Edition Luke's package in one hand, and the worthless loose Luke Jedi in the other (remember folks, keep your toys Mint in Package. Toys are not meant to be played with). As I slowly came to, I was shocked to find that my shelves that formerly housed a proud collection of 70s Mego dolls was now replaced...by rows and rows of nothing but Beanie Babies! At first, I considered a quick suicide to end my pain...but instead, I sold the beanie babies for a whopping $550,000 and purchased a brand new lakeside mansion! In addition, I treated myself to a new insanely-overpriced Computer, on which I have created the Tirade that you are currently reading! I love happy endings.

A SUPERMAN WORTH DYING FOR:

White's Guide to Collecting Figures, a dandy publication that ranks right behind Action Figure News and Toy Review, is now offering an exclusive Superman and Lois Lane doll set created by Robert Tonner. These things are made out of porcelain, so keep the kiddies away. White's Guide basically purchased 75 of the 500 sets made and re-packaged them to create a highly desirable variant. The price? $995. And don't forget $10 for insured delivery. Hurry! Only 50 sets remain, according to world-renown artists Tonner. Ha! Yeah! Like any of you are going to shell out $995 for a Superman collectible. If anyone out there buys this thing, I'll eat my shoes and buy a Tagamochi virtual pet. Bring it on!

INTERMISSION:

I'd like to take this time to let you all know that sometimes in life, you need to sit back and relax. However, if you do this for too long a time you'll find that life as you know it is a colder slap to the face than you could have ever conceived....remember to stay busy and spend as much money as is humanly possible. I'd also like to mention I sell toys on a pretty regular basis, so contact me anytime. I accept checks and money orders. Also, I will take donations for my "Buy Eitan a Taco Bell dinner" fund.

STEEL SUCKS:

I don't even want to discuss the Steel toy line, or the movie. The toys are out there and look pretty good, so if ya want em, grab em. They wont be around too long...unless you're one of those people who dig through the "5 for 1" bins at the local toy stores. If you want my two cents, stick to the Spawn toys. As for the Spawn movie...well...stick to the Spawn toys. Groan.

A SPECIAL THANK YOU:

To Derek, for putting up with me. In recognition of good ol' Derek, we'll be producing a limited edition porcelain Derek doll of which 10 will be made. The price is $3.95 each. Buy 2, get 1 free.

HIDE YOUR WALLETS:

It's market report time and It's official. The limited edition Total Justice mail-aways are about as active on the market as a hunk of raw beef wearing Vampirella's outfit. The Batman and Superman figures were poorly done and the actual process of obtaining one was too much of a headache for collectors. Kenner bites the big one on these figures, which dealers are having a hard time giving away. In the Animated Batman line, Harley Quinn is on fire. Supposedly NOT a short pack, there are simply not enough Harelys to go around. Finding one at under $20 is now becoming quite a task. Other Animated figures, most notably the classic villains, are slowing down somewhat, but Poison Ivy is still maintaining heat, due to Uma Thurman and other factors. She's a solid buy at $50-60. Collectors should gear up for a Superman frenzy once the movie hits the big screen, and a good way to do this is to scoop up inexpensive Superman: Man of Steel and Superman: Animated Series figures. The best bets are the Lex Luthors, and of course, Brainiac. In other DC news..well..there isn't anymore DC news! All I can say is that the JLA comic craze should be an obvious indicator that picking up any team member figures from any lines are a good idea. You don't need me to tell you that...and you should also be aware that with the coming of the brand new Batman show should be a whole new slew of action figures that will give the original Animated line "classic" status, not unlike the original Star Wars figures. Get out those bucks and buy! In the meantime, I'll be wasting away and admiring my Mattel Wayne Gretzky doll. He has a date with Barbie tonight, don't ya know.... -E

Column by Eitan Shapiro

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