The Guy Everyone Loves To Hate

All right, listen up all you mooks. I've decided to devote a column to the most hated jerk in the DCU, Guy Gardner. It's not going to cover all the books that this dweeb has ever been in because I only have so much time in my life and nobody, especially some dome-headed wuss-in-boots, is going to get that much of my attention. So here's the deal, I'm just gonna cover Flower Gardener's solo series and maybe some more just for flavor, and I'm delivering it Gardener Vegetable style.

GREEN LANTERN #25

There would be no Gal Gardner series if it wasn't for this little piece o' work. This is where Hal Jordan comes back to reclaim his sector (2814) which currently/temporarily belongs to Guy. But, Bubble-Gum Gardner doesn't wanna just hand it over, so he challenges Hal to a fistfight, mano a mano. It takes the sappy Gal Jordan a little coercion before he excepts, but after he does, it's an all out slugfest, or more like a slapfest. Watching these two ol' ladies go toe-to-toe is like watching water freeze. In the end, Girl Gardner gets her butt whipped. Fraggin' pansy.

GUY GARDNER REBORN #1-3

This was a three-issue mini-series in prestige format. I don't know what the hell these bozos were thinking here. Don't pay full price. I didn't thankfully! I'll sum the whole three issues up in two sentences, and that's still too much. A now green with envy/powerless Guy hires the bastage Lobo to help get the yellow ring of Sinestro. In the end the bowl-headed moron double crosses the main man and keeps the ring for himself.

GUY GARDNER #1-5

Sporting his true color, this yellow-bellied Guy fights a bunch of aliens throughout these issues. There's not much story here either except that the ring keeps loosing its power inexplicably. Gail Gardner ends up on a hunt for Goldface, which sets him up for another confrontation with Hal.

GUY GARDNER #6-7

Ol' mushroom-top declares it to be "payback time" on Hal and challenges him to another contest to see who can capture Goldface first. Something works out for once, and Guy Smiley beats out the old prune Jordan in getting Moldface.

GUY GARDNER #8

Lobo's back to pound the fraggin' life out of the welcher Guy Garden and get the ring. The ring goes on the fritz again and tidy-bowl-head gets his toilet flushed. A bunch of little red dudes that are in cahoots with Guy buy the ring from Hobo, who can't pass up beer money.

GUY GARDNER #9-10

Still barely holding on to a story, Guy fights some more aliens and also fights with and along side of the Green Lantern Boodikka. That's when this not so bright Guy realizes that his yellow ring runs on Green power.

GUY GARDNER #11-14

A much needed Chuck Dixon steps in to deliver some good story tellin', A "Year One" story to boot. Within these four issues we have some aliens who come lookin' for Hal Jordan to clone, but instead choose Guy because he has the more powerful ring. After sucking the memories out of Gardener's mind, his doppelganger heads out to Earth with the yellow ring to replace himself...er, something like that.

JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA #82-83

Doppelganger Guy's version of justice is delivered as cold-blooded murder and the real Guy steps up to kick his own tail, but gets continued in...

GUY GARDNER #15

Guy takes on himself to get the ring after Doppelganger Guy creams the rest of the leaguers. The real Guy beats the artificial Guy and realizes that if the other Guy can beat the League and the one-and-only Guy can beat the second rate Guy then so could this Guy. This makes Guy happy, whadda-Guy. Haw-Haw!

GUY GARDNER #16-17

Issue 16 is the last of the series of Guy Gardner. Starting with 17 it becomes Guy Gardner Warrior. This story introduces the villain Militia who ends up being Gall Gardner's older brother.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #18-21

This four issue story-line consists of two parts Chuck Dixon and two parts Beau Smith and goes from Guy beating up his super-villain brother, Millisa, to the gutless wannabe Gee-Ell going to OA and seeing the carnage that Happy Hal (Jordan, now Parallax) left behind, including the leftovers of the one time friend/Lantern/poozer Kilowog. Girlfriend Gardner ends up in yet another catfight with Hal, and again loses. Then Parallax destroys the yellow ring.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #22-23

Guy, once again the powerless chump, goes on an adventure to find...this is one of those embarrassing things to say...Warrior Water. Of course he finds it and it gives him superpowers.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #24 & 0

Issue twenty-four is a Zero-Hour tie-in (wow, three hyphenated words in one short sentence). Anyway, carrot-top (he doesn't have the bowl cut anymore) runs around with a bunch of other super-schleps just before the bell tolls. In issue Zero we learn that Goon Gardner is of Vuldarian decent.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #25-26

A double-size issue (25) in where Gag Gardner meets the butt-ugly Dementor in Comaville while saving his bro and ex-flame from Dementor's ugly mug. Next (26), Weasel Warrior saves President Clinton.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #27-28 & GREEN LANTERN #60

In the first part of a three-part story entitled "Capitol Punishment," Steel co-stars with Girlfriend Gardner against some big butt-crust called Sledge. Then Guy goes to visit his mother and finds Major Force playing the big, bad wolf, leaving Momma's Boy to whine for mommy. Enter G.L. Kyle Rainer to help Guy pound the snot out of Major Farce, who gets away. It turns out that Major Idiot killed the wrong lady and stuffed her in Momma Gardner's fridge. Whatta' moron! Finally, Kyle and Guy hunt down the Major Looser who ends up killing Guy's brother Mace. Then, Guy kills Major Dead.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #29

Taking a break from his killing, this issue holds the grand opening of Warriors bar and grill. This issue also came with a gimmicky cover. It was two doors that opened to see the inside of the bar. This issue was just another filler, but pretty fun with all the guest appearances and bar-room-brawl.

ACTION #709 & GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #30

This is a two-parter where Gadget Guy is loosing control of his powers and seeks help from the Big Blue Boy Scout. But even the Blue Cheese can't help him.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #31

Dementor returns. Good thing I didn't eat before I read this crappy issue, or I wouldda' hurled.

GUY GARDNER WARRIOR #32-34, JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA #101-102, & HAWKMAN #22-23

A seven part epic story that goes nowhere. Gas-bag Gardner and some of the other leaguers do battle with the Tormockks.

Notice a trend in these issues here, even a loser like Guy can still go down hill proving that some Guys have none of the luck. But, Gonad Gardner manages to kick and scream 'till issue #40. Since I can only take so much of a bad thing in one month, I'm calling it quits here. Ain't no use kicking a Guy while he's down.

-Wallace "Wally" Frost

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