1. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
2. You wake up face down on the pavement.
3. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
4. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
5. You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
6. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
7. Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
8. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
9. You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
10. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
11. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
12. Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
13. You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny.
14. Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
15. You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
16. Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get THE test.
17. You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.
18. When someone accuses you of faking humor.
19. Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
20. You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.

> A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice.
> The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event.
> Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.
> Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas.
> The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's." > So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.
> When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.
> Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.
> The voice said, "Damn..."

> Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says: "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex". Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
> Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says: "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover and he's outraged.
> Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to fine an enormous polar bear standing right behind him. The polar bear says: "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"