I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are
probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of
well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band
prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to
pay
for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the
truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this
position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit
your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
it's
this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are
far
too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your
ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap"
shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance
to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the
bedroom
during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college
days
seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
