A couple were having problems in their bedroom so the lady bought some
crotchless panties. When the man returned home one afternoon from
work, she was lying in bed with nothing on but her new purchase. She had
her legs spread and said, with a smile, "Do you want some of this"?
The man replied, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear".
***************************************************************************
How is sex like riding a bicycle?
*You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
*Better to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamilar territory.
*You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have
a lot of experience.
*It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
*You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
*It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
*It's best to have a soft place to land.
*You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.
*If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually
best to slow down and wait for them.
*Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
*Once you learn, you never forget how.
***************************************************************************
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated
a few stools down began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning
blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to
the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed
and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with
that he ran over and said "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.
He said, "Can you speak?" Again, she shook her head no. With that, he
pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young
lady that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe. After
sitting back by his friend, the Texan said, "Funny how that hind lick
maneuver works every time!"
***************************************************************************
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his
dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers,
lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother
feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking
to get laid, either."
***************************************************************************
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts
that 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
***************************************************************************
An American is walking down the street in London on a windy day. A woman
is walking down the street toward him wearing a dress when, suddenly the
wind blows her dress up revealing her crotch to the American. Astonishingly,
she is not wearing underpants. The American, trying to sound as English as
possible, says to her, "A bit airy, isn't it?" The woman scowls at him
and replies angrily, "what'd you expect, feathers?"
***************************************************************************
It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed
upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of
normal sex life? But the Lord was very adamant and that was all man could
have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't
need 20 years," he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly,
"Can I have the other ten?" the monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord
called the lion and gave him 20 years and the lion, like the monkey,
wanted only ten. Again man spoke up "Can I have the other ten?" the lion
said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years
but, like the others, ten was sufficient and again man pleaded; "Can I have
the other ten?" Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life,
ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years
of making an ass of himself.
***************************************************************************
