> Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some actually joined in the fun.
> One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm outstretched. "Stop", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way.
> Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her. "Have you got a valid registration for your vehicle, madam? Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him, so he allowed her to carry on.
> Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizable erection in his hand.
> "Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

> Sitting on the side of the highway with his radar gun, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Tennessee State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
> He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car,the officer observed that there were five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back ----- wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
> The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Madam," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should be aware that going slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower that the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
> The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit on this highway. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "I'm really sorry, Sir. I'll pay better attention in the future."
> "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
> "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute or two, Officer. We just got off Route 119."

> An elderly couple went to the Doctor for a checkup. The Doctor told the old man he would need a sperm specimen, stool specimen and urine specimen.
> The old man was hard of hearing and said to his wife "What did he say?" "What did he say?" She said, in a loud voice, "he said he needs a pair of your shorts."

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