1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later--in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TUNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur out t!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your program can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

•Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
•Fetch command not available on all platforms.
•Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
•Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
•Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
•Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
•Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
•Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
•Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
•Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
•Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
•Three words: Carpaw Tunnel Syndrome
•Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
•SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
•SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
•Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
•Annoyed by lack of newsgroup - alt.pictures.master's.leg.
•Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
•TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
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