The Python Book of Etiquette is designed to help out on those many social occasions when you feel awkward or embarrassed about the right kind of behaviour. For instance, meeting the Royal Family. What To Do On Meeting The Royal Family  

This depends largely on where you meet the Royal Family. If you meet the Royal Family in a surgical supply shop, it is best not to acknowledge them at all, as this will only lead to embarrassment on your part, and on the part of the Royal person or persons.* However, should you meet a member of the Royal Family in normal circumstances the etiquette is clear and simple. If you are wearing a hat or turban, remove it instantly and hold it in your left hand, leaving your right hand free should the Royal Personage decide on manual contact. Going down on one knee would be very much appreciated, but in a crowded supermarket or shopping precinct this could cause a great deal of congestion and end up with you getting kicked over.

NEVER touch the Royal Family under any circumstances, unless you yourself have been touched by them - and even then keep your hands well above the waist. The correct way to address the Royal Family is 'Your Majesty' or 'Your Highness', and not 'Hello Graham'. NEVER ask the Royal Family a direct question. For instance, should you wish to ask Princess Marina where the swimming baths are, you must say: 'The swimming baths are near here', and hope that she will say: 'No, I think you re wrong, they're over half a mile away down Thorpe Road and turn right at Hepworth's' or: 'Yes, they are near here. There they are.'  NEVER shout abuse or push or jostle the Royal Family, unless they attack you.

* The same applies in garages, betting shops, cinema clubs and public toilets.   Words not to say to the Queen 'Miss', 'Madam', you there', 'blimey', 'sod it!', 'piss-artist', 'bottom', 'what?', 'come again?', 'masturbation  

A Typical  Conversation With The Queen  QUEEN:Arise.  ORDINARY MAN: Thank you, your Majesty.  QUEEN: What brings you to Wolverhampton?  ORDINARY MAN: I have an aunt who lives near here  well in Wellington, actually, which is just about - (you will have lost the Queen's attention by now. She meets many people, so keep your sentences short and sharp)  QUEEN: Well, I must be going away . ORDINARY MAN: Goodbye, your Majesty.  QUEEN: Goodbye, my man.

A Bad  Conversation With The Queen  ORDINARY MAN: Hello, I didn't recognise you.  QUEEN: But lam the Queen!  ORDINARY MAN: You don't look at all like you do on the stamps.  QUEEN: Don't you speak to me like that, you dirty little nonentity.  ORDINARY MAN: Can you help me change this wheel?  QUEEN: Shut your fat gob, you nasty little pile of wombat's do's.  A Conversation like this could ruin your chances of an O.B.E.

 Spotting the Royal Family How to recognise them.  

	a Queen		a Duke		a Princess
	a Opossum		a Prince		a Corgi

 WARNING: One of these is not really royal.