Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in
a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long
time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with
God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press
conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this
story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a
brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to
cover questions of whether any commandments may have been
broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives
know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to
cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of
Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land
in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid
pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading
for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for
wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime"
plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has
been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of
the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the
rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are
planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
