The personalities behind Apache are many and varied. Apparently, the
only uniting thread of the Tribe is their collective love for the
bizarre. The following are brief descriptions of each member.
John
Quiet, but not restrained, John is head-over-heels in love with
Kate Moss. He is a lemonade connoisseur. Though he is usually found
behind the camera, his acting skills earned him an A+ from Mr. Tucci. Almost
disgustingly thin, he loves the music and ideas of rock's most memorable
martyrs, John Lennon and Kurt Cobain, and hopes to one day play along
to their music on his guitar, although it will be a long road to that
event. John has met and obtained the autographs of Kate Moss, Bill Clinton, and Poe. An artist with the soul of a
poet, or is it a poet with the skills of an artist? Can read
Shakespeare without blinking. Wishes Apache movies had more of an edge
to them. John's bittersweet love life is the subject of most of his
poems. Completely tired of high school life. John does not smoke, but
sometimes wishes he did.
Eamonn
Shy at heart with an outgoing personality (figure that one out),
Eamonn would like to think of himself as a good basketball player,
though tragically he finds that with more practice he only gets worse. His
love for basketball has propelled the sport into several scenes of
Apache movies. His trademarks in the movies are self-deprecating
humor, uttering "Question Mark?" at the end of films with a distorted
face, and general goofiness. His main role in Apache Tribe is the use
of his Palmcorder IQ video camera. He also has been called "the
father of ATP" due to his early Physics videos. On a more personal
note, Eamonn has had about as much luck with the ladies as he does
one-on-one versus the A.K.-man. His luck in general is bad, in fact,
and not too many things go his way. Does not believe in god, but does
believe in the Goddess. A Beatles fan to the point of obsession.
Wants to go to Wesleyan University--he could get in, despite his poor
grades, due to his minority status.
Tim
(ed. note: Tim wanted his bio to say something profound, like his
cinematic statement "Hyrule", but couldn't really think of anything to
say. Therefore, what follows is a merciless bragfest which led one
reader to exclaim, "This sounds just like Tim did in the fifth grade!"
Enjoy! Tim knows you will.) Tim himself put it best when, in
"Absolute Monarchs," he said, "I'm the cool one of the crowd." [Tim's
ego, bloated and unwieldy, is just waiting to be shattered.] The
aforementioned first movie of Apache took place the day after Tim's
birthday, which enables him to take all credit for its creation, and
also started the Apache tradition of making "Absolute Monarchs" movies
on members' birthdays. Although other members of Apache have dabbled
in the realm of women, Tim is the only one who has successfully
emerged without being a slack scammer [slack scammer--n. 1. a
sexually loose person whos is not comitted to one relationship and has
a multitude of boyfriends and/or girlfriends. 2. ridiculous slang.]--
he has a steady girlfriend, though he admits that's not impossible for
anyone willing to lower their standards enough. Tim is exclusively a
front-of-the-camera performer (the Tribe refuses to put a camera in
his hands after his "work" on "The Western Tradition: episode 46") and
is a noted "idea man".
Minh
Though it may not be evident in Apache Tribe movies, and contrary
to popular belief, Minh is not a mute. He has the power of
speech, but chooses to use it thriftily. Unlike fellow Apache member
John deBoer, Minh is disgustingly thin, but hidden beneath his
rather unimpressive exterior lies the basketball skill of a young
(probably about five-year-old) Dennis Rodman. Has the skills of an
artist, but the soul of a really boring person. In the tenth grade
Minh began to reassert his Vietnamese heritage by pronouncing his last
name, Le, the correct way (Lay instead of Lee). An admirer of the
Beatles, Minh has recently discovered what must have been the second-
or third-best act of the sixties: Donovan. Minh is often seen
accompanied by his long time companion and right-hand man, Mr. Mu-Mu.
Jason
How does one describe Jason Zieger, the Apache Tribe
member whose magical creative skills are only exceeded by his girth?
Well, kids, Jason finds it very interesting to be caught in the middle
of the stereotype scale--somewhere between jock wannabe and rotisserie
nerd. He, like Tim D., has been referred to as one of the "idea men"
in the crowd. His enthusiasm for film projects, while a big plus, can
sometimes get out of hand. At times he can be a control freak, but
at other times, he can be a divine artistic presence for the Tribe.
He is completely convinced that Antti K. is a tough yet subtle rebel
to society, but he fears the dark visage of John's Teenage Stacy. Jason's ideal meal would be composed of a hefty portion
of General Tso's Chicken, washed down with the representative deity
of soft drinks: Dr. Pepper. Since we last saw the Z-MAN, he has travelled off to the ice cold tundra of Northfield, Minnesota---home of Carleton College. Yes, Northfield truly is the cultural hub of the Midwest.
Antti K.
Antti K. spent a good long time writing up a full description
of himself. However it was lost. Therefore we use the next best
description possible.
"He's got feet down below his knees. Got to be good lookin' 'cause he's so hard to see."
Mr. Mu Mu
Despite being a hand puppet, Mr. Mu-Mu is an essential part of
Apache Tribe, adding a unique presence to the many films he has
appeared in. He is known for his intense dedication to his roles and
his unbelievable sex appeal.
