The granddaddy of them all. The first Apache Tribe Production, it
is not billed as such (in fact it is not billed at all, and both the
title of the film and the Apache Tribe name came after its creation.) It
begins with Jason giving a brief description of each member of the
Tribe. Then, they all pile into Tim's rattly Doobie-mobile and head off
to such locations as Klekolo (a local coffee house) and Wesleyan (a
local university). Along the way, the six members encounter the
bizarre denizens of the Middletown night scene: surly coffee vendors,
skateboarders, lesbians, and the dreaded Will Lawson. The movie,
while professing to be a quest for either "popular people" or "freaks
in our society", it is in fact neither; it is a random but surprisingly
fascinating collection of scenes, with haiku, drug dealing, lost dogs,
and a great deal of Bransfield-dissing. Surprisingly, no hallucinogens
were involved in the making of this movie, unless Tim wasn't telling
us something.
DALI:Una Vida Eccentrica
The first of the Spanish-language series, Dali was a pioneer of
many Apache trademarks, such as background music, model photography,
and stop-motion. Making full use of the inherent humor in the Spanish
language, "Dali" is a tour-de-force of Apache-style filmmaking.
Dali, in the form of a GI Joe figure and Eamonn in a fake moustache,
makes his case for being the best painter in the world and does such
Daliesque (read: insane) acts as driving a gold Cadillac filled with
cauliflower and throwing himself through a second-story window to spite
gallery owners who have altered his display. The impressive Cadillac
sequence, with a complex Lego landscape and in-house sound effects, is
an unmatched feat in Apache movie history. It also contains the
immortal line: "Dali forzo en su carro con legumbres!" "Loco."
Las Bregas De Desi Arnaz
The centerpiece of the Spanish-Language series, and the fastest
paced, "Las Bregas" explores the life and times of famous Cuban
actor/singer Desi Arnaz. Starting at his childhood, it shows that Desi
(played by Jason Leinwand) had his life changed forever by a revolution
in Cuba. The revolution is illustrated in an almost flawlessly staged
scene of chaos, which leaves Desi exiled and penniless in Florida.
The movie reaches full silliness when Lucille Ball (played by John deBoer,
not in drag and looking nothing like the famous comedienne) comes on the
scene and Desi lip-synchs "Besame Mucho" for her. Good use of music,
particulary the circus music in the beginning, highlights this very
straightforward movie. Perhaps a little more off-the wall humor, such
as is featured in almost every other Apache production, could have
improved it.
Las Adventuras de Magallanes
The shortest Apache production and arguably the worst. Magellan dies,
after reflecting on his achievements. Mr. Mu-Mu steals the show as the
indians. No use of music, except during the credits, where the music
goes awry. Blame for "Magallanes" falls squarely on the shoulders of
writer-director-star John deBoer, and he readily admits it.
Interlude No.1: Wisneski Household
A terrifying look into the dysfunctional family, with an inexplicable
Army officer running around.
Absolute Monarchs Too: The Quest for Lemonade
A follow-up to the first "Absolute Monarchs", and something of a
catharsis for the Apache Tribe, constrained for too long by school
projects and the Spanish language. In these bizarre scenes set in
Westfield, the Tribe members encounter the Red Light that Signals the
Entrance to Hell ("Welcome!"), play kick-the-suitcase, go luggage
surfing, purchase real estate, find Hitler's son and the Hoydilla
brothers, smoke a pipe, drink a lot of lemonade, and eventually end
up dead. As weird but perhaps not as interesting as the first
"Absolute Monarchs", suffering from a lack of neat camera angles. All
in all, though, better and more fun to make than the previous two (three
if you count "Interlude No.1".)
The Western Tradition: Episode 46
A noble experiment, attempting to cram a great deal of history into
a 30-minute movie (still Apache's longest!). With a terrificly funny
accent, Eugen Weber (Jason Zieger) explains the difficulties of England
and France after World War I. The most inspired and fun section deals
with the War itself, showing the horrors of war and the inventions
created by wartime necessity. After this, the movie gets down to
business--and runs into trouble. It is very difficult to make
negotiations and diplomatic relations fun. While there are inspired bits
(Weber's audience flirting and playing video games; France beating up
Germany in a "Pulp Fiction"-esque segment; use of completely inappropriate
music, such as light jazz for an execution scene) too much of the movie
is taken up by Weber speaking, with Tim's atrocious camera work. Historical
note: this movie features the first original Apache music, a flute bit
played by Jason Leinwand. All in all, though it is near the top of the
effort scale, it is low in terms of quality--too fun for Mr. Bardos,
too boring for the rest of the audience.
A Seminar on the Seminar in the Humanities
Words are at the forefront here, for though no script was used, no
line was improvised. Earl Totten (John deBoer), a disaffected youth,
is schooled by his Guidance Counselor (Tim Dutcher) in Humanity. The
RAH team (Random Acts of Humanity) serve as his model as they run about
helping people through the three virtues of Compassion, Sacrifice, and
Endurance. Perfect music, in every scene, highlights the film. Includes
wonderful timing in most scenes, and is the most polished of all Apache
Productions. Contains both the lowest quality (the bathroom scene) and
the highest (the Question Mark? sequence at the end) in terms of
technical wizardry. A class act throughout, slowed down a bit by too
many speeches in the beginning. This movie was called "not as original"
as Dan Farbman's cliched video crapfest by everyone in the Humanities class,
thanks to Vanessa Diaz's self-important sermonizing.
Physics is Phun!: A Series of 12 Short Films for the Educationally
Challenged
With 12 short films (actually 13--"its a baker's dozen" explained
Jason) about physics, explaining almost every topic covered in the high
school physics class. The films are: "Physics Power!", "The School of
Hard Knox", "Pool Sharks: A Study in Momentum", "Mr. Energy", "All
About Statics", "The REAL Doppler Effect", "As the Energy Pulses",
"Kate and John: An Attraction Story", "The Great Light Debate",
"Battery Rodeo!", "Probability and the Smurfs", "Painful Gravitation",
and "The End?" They're all good, with a great deal of invention in
every one. The only thing missing is use of music. Highlights of the
film are Tim going bananas on the drums, John getting the shit beaten
out of him, original music, stop-motion, basketball action, a scat
song, and Kate Moss.
Hyrule
This funny but disturbing movie, in the "Absolute Monarchs Too"
vein, but more horrific, centers on an insane kid hallucinating that
he is inside a computer game, searching for Hyrule of Legend of Zelda
fame. The only Apache Tribe Production to have a moral, the movie's
darkly comic tone is smashed to pieces during a (mock?) serious
monologue by Tim (to the background music of John Lennon's "Working
Class Hero", no less), who plays the lunatic child. It is regained
when Eamonn makes his staple appearance at The End? Like Magallanes,
this was almost a solo project, this time by Tim, although John and
Jason conspired to make the tone darker than originally concieved.
The Dutcher Principle
Named for reknowned moocher Tim Dutcher, this movie examines how
to go about living in Middletown for 0$ a day. Four cheapskates go
around town, stealing, rummaging, and scrounging. The highlight is
the trip to Taco Bell, where we ordered three packets of hot sauce and
a water (with extra ice). Hilarious if uneven.
Ask Questions Later:Bootleg Edition
Two scenes from the unreleased Bond epic "Ask Questions Later",
starring Tim Dutcher as 007. Apache Tribe was involved in the making
of this film before Bond producer Cubby Broccoli decided to pull the
plug and use Pierce Brosnan instead. The first scene involves Bond's
escape from the clutches of Simon Defenomenos, stereotypical dictator.
The second scene illustrates the sinister character of the villain of
the piece, Dr. K. Except for the fact that you can sometimes see the
scripts lying in front of the actors, this is perhaps the apex of
Apache filming, with editing like never before (although still sans
editing machines.) Because the soundtrack, by Antti K., was not under copyright when
the film was canned, it has been released on Quad Jammer Records and is
available for $0.00.
A Christmas Carol: the Story of Park and Rec
Apache's foray into the wilds of political humor. Villainous and corpulent
mayor Maria Madsen Holzberg cuts funding for the Park and Rec Department
until it can no longer function, when she is visited by the ghost of
former mayor Paul Gionfriddo (now cast into political limbo). He sends
three spirits to show her Park and Rec Past, Present, and Future.
Featuring a star turn by Jason Leinwand as the mayor, as well as
Apache newcomers Dan Farbman and Amy Baldyga. Eamonn's role as John
Milardo is particularly memorable, especially his shrieked line at the
finale, "GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE!" All in all, a successful entry
into a new realm of Apache films. The appearing ghosts' special
effects, while cheezy, work well, and though the jokes about the mayor's
obesity are over-the-top, they are uniformly hilarious. Mayor fat. Ha ha ha.
Sempronio Contra Los Hombres Roboticos
Loosely based on a Spanish play, "Sempronio" is the story of a space
pirate whose body emits radioactivity because he eats stamps bombarded with
nuclear power. He is captured by the forces of the evil Robot Empire,
headed by the fearsome Altisimo Comisionado, who forces him to power
their nuclear bombs (and robot children). Highlights include a dramatic
monologue by Tim Dutcher as Sempronio, based on a poem; an extended dance
number to the music of Billy Preston; a terrific explosion stolen
from Star Wars to the sounds of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony; and the music of Dee-lite. Another
success in Spanish for the Tribe, although the long dialogue between
el Altisimo Comisionado and Sempronio gets a bit boring. Great for
fans of sci-fi, who can speak Spanish.
Watching
After returning from a year at college and noting a general lack of output as of late, the Apache tribe went off in a completely new direction with the creation of "Watching", which bucks Apache tradition by being a psychological thriller. It can also be viewed as a sort of spoof of such movies, as it uses every trick in the book for fucking with the audience's mind. Either way, the only way to tell this is an Apache movie is the fact that it says so, and Eamonn's terse "Question Mark" at the end. The plot, such as it is, is thus: A man wakes up and begins going about his daily business. There is a phonecall, the contents of which, if any, are not divulged. He goes out walking through various run-down industrial areas, and around him he keeps seeing mysterious men with sunglasses. Are they following him? Filmed entirely in black and white, except for the spectacular nightmare sequence, the movie has almost no dialogue and several intriguing scenes, as well as fabulously effective locations. What it all could possibly mean is left up to the viewer to decide, and good luck to him.
