Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around
babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me
for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot
meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller,
"since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't
embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount
of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case
the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has
not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within
the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes
out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee
Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you
for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for
money."
Gates responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
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