Luke: Mike, why don't you just let Kate pay?
Mike: Look, Luke this is far too complicated for you to understand.
Luke: Mmmm. Mike pays, big man. Kate pays, big wuss.

Ben Seaver: Leo Lime-Tongue Plotnik.
Mike: Lime tongue?
Ben: Well his tongue is green. He only eats green things.
Luke: At least that's the explanation we can live with.

Carol Seaver (riding on Dwight's back): Giddy up! Woah!
Luke: I hope she dismounts him before he drives us home.

Mike: I can't let you live on a street like this.
Luke: Oh, you can't let me! Well, this morning I wasn't on the street. I had a place to sleep and a
place to eat and a promising academic career. Now, thanks to you, I'm a homeless hungry dropout.
Who are you Charles Keating?

Luke: I used to wash airplanes for barnstormers. I grew up next to an airfield.
Jason: Barnstormers in Manhattan?
Luke: South Dakota. The "golden eagles". I remember one time for my birthday, they took me up
with them and spun me around until I lost my lunch. God, I love those guys!

Luke: I've never had a date before.
Mike: Really? You've never...
Luke: Yeah, that's right, I'm 15 and I've never had a date. When you live on the streets, you don't go
out...you are out.
Mike: So what. Ben says you're a pretty popular guy on campus.
Luke: Sure if I'm just hangin', but if I go out with Susie I'll have to talk about myself: "No Suz, I think
I missed the homecoming dance. I believe that was the night I was looking through a dumpster for
shoes."

Luke: That's it! I'm done. I'm going to give up this dating thing, live by myself and learn to whittle and
spit.

Chrissy: How'd you learn so much about fixing dolls?
Luke: Oh, I was a surgeon at a doll hospital.
Chrissy: You were not!
Luke: Oh, yeah? When Chatty Cathy lost her voice, who do you think got her talking again? When
Betsy Wetsy dried up like the Sahara, who do you think opened up the flood gates? And when My
Little Pony got the trots, who do you think got her back on track?

Mike: Luke, look how great you fit in with us. I mean, after only a month you're part of our family.
Luke: Not quite.

Luke: The last time I saw a doctor, he went poking around like a Turkish drug enforcement officer
with an attitude.

Luke: Uh, hi, Ben had to go to Stinky's. It was an emergency.
Sheryl: Oh, gee, anything serious?
Luke: Nah, emergencies happen a lot to guys named Stinky.
Sheryl: You don't have to cover for him. Its me isn't it? He thinks I'm a dork.
Luke: Aw, no he doesn't.
Sheryl: Really?
Luke: He doesn't even think.

Ben: LUKE!!! LUKE!!!
Luke: Good pipes, every Luke within five miles is on his way.

Ben: I can't believe you humiliated me in front of the entire school.
Luke: What?
Ben: You know Sheryl Murray was my territory.
Luke: Your territory, you treated her like dog dirt.
Ben: We've got a special relationship and its none of your business.
Luke: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm making it my business. I'm the guy who's taking her to the Sadie Hawkins
dance.
Ben: Yeah? Over my dead body.
Luke: Oh, that can be arranged.
Ben: Yeah?
Luke: Yeah.
Maggie Seaver: Anybody ready for some dinner?
Ben: Yum yum.
Luke: Mmmm boy!

Ben: Carol, will you please ask Luke to pass the salt.
Carol: Luke, pass Ben the salt, please.
Ben: Tell him I'll save him some in case he wants to pour any of it in my wounds.

Ben: LUKE!!
Luke: You bellowed?

[Ben is sitting right in front of the T.V.]
Maggie: Oh, my poor baby. I can't wait till those glasses of yours come in.
Luke: Oh, there in. The doctor called yesterday. (Ben shoots Luke a death look) Ah, actually it was
another doctor, um doctor...Pepper.

Luke: Man, this sucks nickels.

Mike: That's great!...I mean that your back is feeling better.
George: Well Luke's a very persuasive man.
Mike: Good job Luke. Well how did you do it?
(Luke sets down his bag and hesitates)
Luke: I said...I said I am going with him. It's only for a few months...to help him set up,
Mike. submitted by Leah

Mike: Is that what they make you wear?
(Luke is dressed in a sailors outfit and a sailors hat)
Luke: No, I just like to dress like Popeye. submitted by Leah

(Jason is in a hospital bed)
Luke: There's nothing to be scared of. The doctor is your very special friend.
(Jason puts his hand on Luke's cheek)
Jason: You know Luke, I think your really becoming apart of this family. Because your really starting
to tick me off! submitted by Leah

(The waiters come out to the tables at the "Shrink-a-rama '91" with ribs, corn on the cob, and mashed
potatoes)
Jason: Mike! We can't eat ribs in tuxedos! We were supposed to have veal and truffles.
Mike: Uh, Luke?
Luke: Hey! I looked up truffle, and did you know, that truffle is a fungus uprooted by a pigs snout!?
Jason: How are we supposed to eat this!?
Luke: Oh, check this out.
(Luke pulls up a bib with a picture of a pig on it)
Luke: I almost got the ones without the happy hog on it, but they were a little stuffy. submitted by Leah

(a lady approaches Jason)
Lady: Are you Jason Seaver?
Jason: Yes
Lady: I  am Fatima!
(She takes off her coat and reveals that she is a belly dancer)
Jason: Mike
Mike: Luke
Luke: Ben
Ben: Now don't tell me you have a problem with this!
Jason: You and you three, follow me.
Luke: What happens now. Do we get spanked?
Ben: Hopefully by Fatima. submitted by Leah

Luke: Hey, what's shakin'?
Ben: I'm playing a game of hide and eat with Chrissy.
Luke: Isn't it hide and seek?
Ben: You play your way, I'll play mine. submitted by Leah

Luke: The Advanced Placement Exam. Ohhh. Smart guy. submitted by Leah

Carol: You guys can laugh all you want, but you are seeing this face, for the last time.
Luke: Does anyone want to field that one? submitted by Leah

Luke: Ok. First, I am going to move all of Carol's stuffed animals to the attic, I'm going to get rid of all
those dead flowers, and I will get one of those pictures of those dogs playing poker.
Mike: Oh, oh, oh. Get two. I need a birthday present for Kate. submitted by Leah

Ben: The issue I'd live and die for?
Luke: Babes in postage stamp string bikinis? submitted by Leah

Luke: So, uh, when is Kate doing this bikini shot?
Mike: Next week in Jamaica.
Ben: Oh, wow. I'd love to be the photographer on that job. One guy, all those babes.
Luke: Forget that, I'd love to be the guy that rubs on the cocoa butter.
Ben: Forget that, I'd love to be the cocoa butter. submitted by Leah

Mike: Mission accomplished!
Luke: All right, but one question, what are you and Kate going to do surrounded by 18 dufi with
cheese in there braces? submitted by Leah
Carol: No, I will not participate in anything called a moon-a-thon.
Ben and Luke: All right! Let's go! submitted by Leah

Carol: My Rhett.
Dwight: My Scarlet.
Luke: My God. submitted by Leah

Barney: Alls you got do is find the Queen.
Luke: Barney!?
Barney: Abe! I've been worried sick about you. Where've you been?
Luke: I've been living with a family in the suburbs.
Barney: Oh, that's great. Have they found out yet? submitted by Leah

Barney: Boy, you clean up good. Hey! You're blonde!
Luke: You look good too Barney. submitted by Leah

Jason: So...you know this guy, huh?
Luke: Everybody on the streets knows Barney. If you need a place to sleep or some food, Barney's
the guy to see. submitted by Leah

Ben: Why does he call you Abe?
Luke: That's because my birthday is the same day as Lincoln's.
Ben: Your birthday is December 25!? submitted by Leah

Luke: I don't want you guys to throw me a party.
Mike: I'm just talking about some potato chips and 1 or 2 balloons. submitted by Leah

Ben: A more private gathering.
Luke: You mean, just you and me? submitted by Leah

Luke: Ok. I give up. You can throw me a party.
Mike: All right!
Luke: But don't make a big deal out of it.
Mike: How can we? Mom and Dad insist on being there. submitted by Leah

Barney: Maybe we should show them later.
Luke: Go ahead Barney! submitted by Leah

Barney: Well, this is a lot better than you're last birthday, huh, Abe?
Maggie: Why? What happened?
Luke: Oh, Barney and some of the guys snuck me into the zoo after hours. Boy, did we eat well that
night.
Jason: What did you eat?
Luke: Hot dogs. The dumpster was full of them. submitted by Leah

Dwight: This ones from me and Carol.
Luke: The complete works of Shopenhor.
Dwight: I knew it, you already read it.
Luke: Yeah, but not in its original German.
Ben: Here, open mine next.
Luke: All right! Mega Slime, Hammer and Sickle, the Nurses!?
Ben: Yeah, its got there hit single "Turn Your Head and Cough".
Luke: Borrow your walkman sometime? submitted by Leah

Luke: THIEF! To Catch a Thief. Hey, Barney, it's a little chilly in here, want to help me start a fire?
Barney: Sure. Where are the trash cans? submitted by Leah

Luke: I want the ring you took out of Mrs.Seaver's box.
Barney: Don't start that again. I told you, I was just looking around.
Luke: Give me the ring.
Barney: No! submitted by Leah

Luke: Wait a minute. You've been on the show 6 months and you haven't had a line yet?
Mike: But I couldn't talk. I was in an accident and, ah, practically brain dead.
Luke: Well it doesn't stop Geraldo Rivera. submitted by Aleisha

Luke: Ah, who would want that? Besides you have a full house already and if I didn't have a place of
my own, how would you come and visit me? Uh! Uh! submitted by Aleisha

Luke: Let's see, uh, she looks as good as new.
Chrissy: Thanks Luke. When I'm all grown up, you better watch out. submitted by Aleisha

Mike: Hey Luke. What are you doing dressed up in Ben's weenie suit?
Luke: I want to make a good impression on the Kimbels.
Mike: So you're dressing like Ben? submitted by Aleisha

{phone in Mike's dressing room rings}
Mike: Hello. Stram Waverly the Third. (in deep voice)
Luke: Hey, Is Mike Seaver there?
Mike: Yeah, Luke, hey, it's me Mike. I was just getting into character. What's up?
Luke: Look. I'll be straight with you. I felt I owed you a good bye.
Mike: A good bye? Hey listen pal, you're just moving across town.
Luke: I'm leaving town.
Mike: Luke where are you going?
Luke: I'll spend the winter in Florida. Don't worry I'll be fine.
Mike: Luke. Don't do this.
Luke: I'll look you up some day. submitted by Aleisha

{Guy knocks on bathroom of bus}
Luke: It's busy.
Mike: Luke?
Luke: Mike?
Mike: Hey.
Luke: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in a coma.
Mike: Come on let's get out of here.
Luke: I can't I'll lose my free seat.
Mike: You're going to ride all the way to Florida in a rest room?
Luke: It beats hanging on to the back with a skateboard.
Mike: Come on, come on. Let's go.
Luke: Just let me go.
Mike: Like I'm going to let you wander the streets while I lead the squad team to the killer with my
shirt off.
(old lady leaves bus)
Mike: Luke. What was wrong with the Kimbels?
Luke: Hey, I don't trust a man who uses a pop-sicle stick to fix a cat.

Mike: Ditch you?
Luke: Yeah, my dad split when I was two, my mom died, and. And you guys. (Driver takes off, Mike
and Luke plunge forward.) submitted by Aleisha.

Mike: Us, Well look how great you fit in with us. I mean after only a month you were part of our
family.
Luke: Not quite.
Mike: Driver. Stop this bus. submitted by Aleisha

(Mike and Ben hold pop bottles up)
Luke: If you spit in the air it's gonna land in your face. (raises pop bottle)
Jason: (holds up pop bottle) Words to live by, Luke! submitted by Shannon

Luke: You can't tell me anything about booze I don't know. It makes you stupid, it makes you sick, it
makes you afraid to come home at night, get a glass of water, do anything that will make him mad
when he's drunk.
Mike: When who's drunk? No one around here gets drunk.
Jason: No, he's not talkin about us, are you Luke?
(Luke shakes his head no)
Jason: Who gets drunk, your father?
Luke: No, he left when I was two.
Jason: Then who?
Luke: My step dad.
Jason: Did he beat you?
Luke: (shakes his head yes) My mom tried to stop him and he beat her too. One night he came after
me with a baseball bat, if I hadn't of run, he would of killed me.
Maggie: Oh my God.
Mike: So Luke thought...
Jason: Luke thought that drinking would change me into his stepfather. So you didn't drink it?
Luke: No, I poured it down the drain, every damn drop of it! (Luke begins to cry)
Maggie: It's all right.

Luke: I washed all the sheets, vacuumed the mattresses and box springs.
Mike: Good.
Luke: Where's Ben?
Mike: I think he's upstairs scrubbing everything that hasn't been nailed down.
Luke: Look, you've known Ben longer then I have, I mean, I'm glad he is doing all the work but does
he always get carried away like this.
Ben [comes down in a rubber apron and a shower cap]: Hey! Who gave you guys the day off.
There's work to be done!
Mike: Have mercy on us Rubber man. I think we're finished.
Ben: Oh really! I'll be the judge of that. Let's go to the big board! There's no check mark next to
stuffed animals!
Luke: Mike and I put them in plastic bags to starve the lice, Your Rubberness! submitted by Shannon
 

Mike: Okay class, last week I was asked to do some remedial work in French.  So I did it, and now I'm going to teach it to you.
Now, who can think of a sentence to translate?
Luke: Mr. Seaver, there's a beautiful women at the door!
Mike: Great, since Seaver is the same in both languages, we'll start with Monsieur Seaver . . .
Luke: No, there really is a beautiful women at the door!
(Kate knocks on door)
Class: (whistling)
Mike: Okay parlevous among yourselves! submitted by Katie
 
 

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