All kind of Jokes

Bob is sitting at a bar, talking to his hand as if it were a phone. The
man gets up and goes to the bathroom. Another man follows Bob. Bob is
standing with his hands spread out against the wall and a piece of
toilet paper hanging out of his ass. the man asks What the hell are you
doing? and bob replys, RECIEVING A FAX!____________new!

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this
envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST
check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
DAUGHTER: "O.K."
Later.......
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to
tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support
Payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand
back and watch the expression on your face."
MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18
years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then,
stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."____________new!

There is a blond, a brunette, and a red head and they are all stranded on an
Island. The red head decides to swim off the island and then she will get
help for the others. She gets about 1/4 of the way and she doesn't think that
she can make it so she swims back, when she gets back the brunette decides
she'll swim but she only gets about 1/3 of the way there and she doesn't
think she'll make it so she turns back. So the blond says that she'll go and
so she does. She gets 1/2 way and doesn't think she'll make it the rest of
the way so she swims back.____________new!

There were three blondes stranded on an island, each had one wish to get themselves to land, the first blond wished to be 10 times smarter, and a genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to land, the second blonde wished to be 10 times smarter than the first, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to land, the third blonde wished to be 100 times smarter than the second, the genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge. ____________new!

Q: how does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
A: he doesn't, he just makes darkness the new standard
In a unisex bathroom there was a mirror that sucked anybody who lied
into it. One day a lawyer walked into the bathroom and said, "I think
that I'm a great person." Bam he was gone. The next day a IRS agent
walked into the restroom and said, "I think everybody respects the IRS."
Bam he was gone. The very next day a beautiful lady walked into a
restroom and said, "I think---". Bam she was gone.__________good!

An old couple are sitting on the front porch rocking in their chairs. all
of a sudden, the man swats his wife. she sits for a minute, then asks
"what was that for". "fifty years of lousy sex" he replies. they rock
some more and all of a sudden the wife swats her husband. he sits for a
minute, then asks "what was that for". "because you know the difference"
she replies.

3 men sat on a ledge of the building they were doing construction work on each man opened his lunch box... the Mexican says Man! Tacos again... if she gives me tacos one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! the Italian opens his lunch box's and says man spaghetti if she gives me spaghetti one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! The American opens his box and says man baloni if I get baloni one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge. So thenext day they sit down to lunch and the Mexican opens his box tacos!!! so he jumps... the Italian opens his box Spaghetti!!! so he jumps... the American opens his box..... baloni!!! so he jumps...the next dayat the funeral the Mexican wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want tacos.... the Italian wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want spaghetti... the American wife cried and said he fixed his own dam lunch.

A blonde has been planning this trip to Louisianna for a while. She gets there and decides to buy some official alligator skin shoes. She goes into the store and the clerk tells her the price. She says, "THOSE COST WAY TO MUCH. I AM GOING TO KILL MY OWN ALLIGATOR AND GET ALLIGATOR SHOES!" So the store clerk spots the women waist deep in the swamp with a shotgun pointing it right down the nose of a gator coming right for her. Surprisingly she shoots and kills it. She drags it to the shore where there are six more gators! Then the clerk hears her yell, "OH MAN! THIS ONE ISN'T WEARING SHOES EITHER!"

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink" ____________new!

Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!" ____________new!

A boy came home from school one day and his mother said that the office had called her and that he had been distracting the class all day long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off all her clothes and then the mother says: "Now you must promise never to wear my clothes to school again, Johnny." ____________new!
A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"

In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this famost ship sailing during the war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign did as his captain ordered. Thought the battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Another day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "TEN enemy ships on the horizon ! And frome the elite fleet !" The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "E... E... Ensign, get me my brown pants..."

An explorer was walking trough the jungle, and suddently, he found himself surrounded by dangerous cannibals. "I'm fucking dead", said the explorer. Then, a bright light came from the sky and a voice from the sky said "Not yet, take your knife, and cut the throat of the leader". The explorer did what the voice said. The cannibals began to scream. The voice from the sky said "NOW, you are fucking death"__________good!

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral."__________good!

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At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'

There was a nice paper party. Paper A4 was there, bulky paper too. Wall Paper was having a great time. Post-it was drinking some ink. Suddently, a pencil appeared and began to draw over all the papers in the party. The papers screamed and cryed, but then a paper shots the pencil down. "Ohh, thank you, who are you ?" asked a paper. "Bond, Paper Bond".

Words of a mafia hit man after being captured: "who put the violin in the violin case !"

There was this old lady and old man. The poor man couldn't hear very well, so he depended on his wife to interpret for him. One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your shirt!". Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your pants." The old guy asked his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your pants!" Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool sample and a urine sample". Again he asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife said, "They want your underwear!.."

What´s a big red spot on a cradle ? A baby eating a Gillette !

And a green spot ? The same baby after 3 days.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?'
The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?".
"You're going to die," she replied. __________good!

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.

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