Lawyer

• Whats the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead possum lying in
  the road? The skid marks in front of the possum!____________new!

• Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
  The prostitute stops screwin' ya after your dead.____________new!

• How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.____________new!

• There was this guy who liked to hit lawyers with his car. One day he saw a priest who's car was broken down on side of the road, so to be nice he decided to give him a ride. They were driving and the man saw a lawyer, so he instictively went to hit him, then he thought "Oh my gosh I have a priest in my car." So the man swerved out of the way of the lawyer. At the same time the priest opened the door. Then the man said, "I'm so sorry, I almost hit a lawyer." And the priest said,"That's O.K. I got him with the door." ____________new!

• A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
  balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
  "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
  them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
  scent all over them.
  His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
  balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
  "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
  "But why?" asks the man.
  "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.____________new!

• A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
  last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that
  they were all hung. ____________new!
  

• Judge: I find the defendant innocent.
  Defendant: Does that mean I can keep the money?

• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bag of shit?
  A: The bag.

• A lawyer was walking in Central Park. As he was walking he stepped in some dog shit. He took a couple of steps looked down at his foot and said "Oh no I'm melting".

• A lawyer was talking to his client who just committed murder. "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered".

• Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer one question.
  St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
  The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
  St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
  Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
  "That's right! You may enter."
  St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them." ____________new!

Phsyco

• A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office complaining that no one ever pays any attention to him. "NEXT!" replies the psychiatrist.

• How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

• Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Rich

• A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
  Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'
  The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

Other

• At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'

• Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
  The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
  The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
  The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

• A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
  The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
  Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
  The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

• The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
  One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
  But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
  As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
  The man replied, "I work for the IRS."