Hey, you know what I just heard? Mary Hart has just celebrated 20 YEARS as host of that pillar of good taste and unbiased television journalism, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. From all of us (that would be me) here at the Visitorium, let me just say good job and congratulations Mary, you ridiculous sycophantic whore you.

My God, the pain that woman must be in from the decades of forced, cloying, affected exuberance...I wonder if she's even CAPABLE of frowning anymore? Now Tesh...THERE was a showman. He could frown, oh yeah. Sitting next to Hart for a few years would doubtless afford plenty of reasons to, as well. How would one actually try and communicate with someone so glaringly phony (I can't bear to imagine the horribly disturbing theory that Ms Hart is GENUINE in her unending enthusiasm for celebrity weddings and sitcom recastings...no one could be THAT vacuous, right?) year after year? At least we can perhaps sit more comfortable in the hope that someday, somehow, the bitter darkness of truth will force it's way in to smother Mary's blindingly optimistic facade.

Witness the recent travails of another cheery-as-piss, cheshire blonde dominatrix of the airwaves, Martha Stewart. She too was supposed to be some form of uber-human pluck machine, but fate (and an appalingly massive billion dollar accounting scandal) has let the inside-trading kitty out of the portoflio-dumping prada bag faster than you could whip up a festive native American bunt log. Let this be an object lesson, one that I gloomily but willingly learned some time ago...people aren't SUPPOSED to be happy ALL the time! There can be no joy without sorrow, people! No light without dark, no Ramones without rampant heroin abuse and male prostituion, and so on.

Maybe I'm wrong. There could be a perfectly logical explanation for Mary Hart's unflagging, 20-year old smile. She could be wearing a mask. Perhaps she's retarted. Just retarted enough to think that everything is worth smiling about, which to my mind would be mighty fucking retarted. Maybe after her short lived gig with Regis Philbin right before she started on ET Regis put the moves on her. And Mary would have been all, like, hands off Reeg, look but don't touch! Cause, y'know, Mary's like that. And Regis, that didn't do it for him, he's used to being LARGE AND IN CHARGE! Know what I mean? So he pulls out his blade, the little one he keeps in the small of his back, you know the one I mean, and by this time he's pretty out of it on barbituate and cheap bourbon, and he just starts swinging and he cuts her, yeah, cuts her REAL good, and she fights him off with Hart-style capoeira kicks but the damage is done, and the doctors work the best they can, but when it's all over her mouth is frozen in a permanent rictus grin, just like Nicholson in BATMAN. Yeah...that would be COOL.

Or...she could be an alien...although what aliens have to smile about, I could only haphazardly guess. Perhaps they're content in the knowledge that any civilization that would keep a show like ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT on the air for 20 years is bound to be really, really easy to conquer, ray-guns or no.

Anyways...where was I? Oh yeah. Congratulations, Mary. Here's to another 20 years!

Hugs and kisses,
The Visitor

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