It's hard to believe that if the truth is out there,
it's hidden in Los Angeles. The X-Files producers
insist that when the show is abducted at the end of this
season and spirited down to La-La land, it won't lose
the mystical, moody qualities courtesy of BCs gloomy,
grey weather. But a look at the plot outline for the first
LA based episode may have X-Philes slightly concerned.

Fade in:
A Pamela Anderson lookalike in a red bathing
suit runs across a blindingly bright beach in slow motion.
As she reaches the water's edge and dips her toe in the
sparkling ocean, she lets loose with a piercing scream:
"How will I survive?"

Agent Scully, dressed in a Bob mackie trenchcoat, matching
slacks and a pair of open-toes Gucci shoes, heaves a deep
sigh that almost musses her new Jennifer Aniston wannabe
hair-do, which is, by the way, an unnatural shade of blond.
"I'm a medical doctor and I can assure you, your toenail will grow back."

Their conversation is interrupted by the purr of an
impossible expensive engine. They turn to see Agent Mulder
pulls up in a red Corvette convertible, his perfectly coifed hair
unruffled. He's wearing a Hugo Boss trenchcoat, Armani sunlgasses
and, even though it's 3pm, he's holding a $900 Sharper Image
combination flashlight-camcorder.
Scully's eyes widen like saucers she doesn't believe in.

"Mulder, how did you afford that car?"
Mulder smiles grimly. "I sold my umbrella collection."
Scully is startles by the smile. "Mulder, you look. . . ."
She stammers as she searches for the word. "Happy."
Mulder's grin broadens. "I've got great news, Scully!"
"You killed Krycek?"
Mulder shakes his head.
"You know how to protect the world from the shapeshifting aliens?"
"Nope."
"You've found your long-lost sister?"
Mulder pulls two mysterious pieces of paper from his pocket.
"I scored us tickets to a taping of The Naked Truth starring Tea Leoni."
Scully examines the tickets. "This might be a trick, Mulder. I
thought that show was cancelled."

Mulder suddenly spots the beach babe, and is unable to speak.
"What is it, Mulder?" A substance, or perhaps a living creature, that
looks like black tar appears to bubble up into the eyes of the beach babe
but no one is looking at her eyes so no one notices.
Mulder looks as if he's about to blush.
Scully scowls, "Those are implants, Mulder."
"Alien implants?" asks Mulder, no even more intrigues.
"This could requre an in-depth investigation."
Just as Scully is about to respond with a witty extraterestial
pun, a shadow suddenly appears on the sand in front of them.

"Hello Agnet Mulder, Agent Scully."
The evil voice chills them to their marrow. They pull their guns and turn to face
Cancer man. He is dressed in a Versace thong bikini. Lime Green.
His hair is permed and moussed. He is wearing Hugo Boss sandals.
"Hi, Dad," says Mulder.
"We don't know that yet snaps Cancer Man.
Scully tried not to look at the villains skimpy bathing suit.
"I hope you're wearing sunscreen."
"Your really believe that sunshine causes cancer?"
He laughs and pops a piece of gum into his mouth.
"Where's your cigarette?" asks Mulder.
"No one smokes here." says Cancer Man.
Mulder mulls suspiciously.
"What nefarious scheme are you hatching here?"
Cancer Man shrugs. "I'm working on my screenplay. See ya at Spago."

As Cancer Man walks away in his thong, Mulder turns to Scully clearly concerned.
"Do you think I'd look good in one of those?"
The beach babe melts in a puddle of silicone. Neither of them notices.
Scully: "Lime Green? No, definitely black."
"You're right, Scully. Meet you at Rodeo Drive?"
"What mystery will we solve there?"
"Who can afford to pay those prices?"

A phone rings. Both Scully and Mulder reach into their designer
coats to pull out their minature bubblegum colored cell phones.
Scully flips hers open as coquettishly as possible for an intense,
cynical and possibley cancer-ridden FBI agent with an alien
implant in the back of her neck. As she listens it is clear the news is bad.
She hangs up, looks at Muler with the type of warm sympathetic eyes
beloved by Emmy Voters.

"Who's dead now?" he asks. "I didn't think we had any relatives left."
Scully shakes her head sadly. "They've decided to move The Naked Truth to Vancouver."
"You mean. . ." he trails off.
"Yes," she says. "The Naked Truth is out there." Fade out.