Bottom: Episode 1. Smells.
by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall.
Scene 1. The Flat. --------------------- [Eddie and Richie return from the pub.] Richie: I mean what happened there? I just don't understand it. I made all the right moves: I winked, I smiled - one of my nice ones as well - I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my special eyes and said "Hello big tits, looking for some action?" And what did she say? Eddie: I think she said no, didn't she? Richie: That's right! No. Blasted lesbians everywhere. They should have labels on them or something. I wasted half an hour on those two. Prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks - backwards and forwards to the Gent's I was going. Look at this, look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here. Eddie: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm, well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers. Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Wahoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?" Eddie: I got a result. Richie: I don't call a kick in the knackers a result. Eddie: A free drink! Richie: Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face. Eddie: Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady. Richie: What a waste of time. If only I could just get one of them to do it with me. I mean anybody. Just to do it with me. Just once. Just to find out what it's like. I mean look, look all around you. It's Friday night, and everywhere you look there's buildings full of people doing it. They're all doing it and doing it, and then stopping and having a fag and then doing it a bit more. There's not a single one of them saying "Hang on a minute. This really isn't fair. I mean, here's us doing it and doing it and doing it and there's poor old Richie and he hasn't done it. Ever. He hasn't got anyone to do it to. I'll tell you what, I'll pop down and do it to him for a bit, and then pop back up, would that be alright?" I mean it wouldn't hurt, would it? It'd be charitable. I mean, just think of all those acres and acres of ladies, all lying there saying "Go on darling, let's do it." And the blokes saying "Nah, I don't feel like doing it, the snooker's on." Well I could be filling in for him! Providing a service. I could even charge! Might make a bit of money. Hey Eddie, I've just thought of s- What on earth are you eating? Eddie: Lard. Richie: You are eating.. lard. Eddie: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook. Richie: All right Eddie, I can feel the elbow in the ribs. Alright, I'll do one of my famous Friday night fryups. Chuck us a couple of eggs. [Eddie throws across two eggs, which splash out of the frying pan.] Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa, the old ones are the best ones, aren't they! Who needs girls when you've got your mates! I tell you, there's some things a girl just can't appreciate and Richie's Friday night fryup is one of them. Oil! [Eddie is drinking from a bottle of oil. He replaces the lid and throws the bottle to Richie.] Eddie: Ah! Mazola! Richie: Right then. A little dab of oil... The secret ingredient... [He picks up a pan and starts to scrape out the contents.] Come on out, you know you want to! Come on, you've only been in there a week. [Eddie takes a pint from his jacket pocket.] Eddie: Ha ha ha haaa! Richie: And then just the last couple of pints... Hoh! [Richie has noticed some action going on in the house opposite. He takes a pair of binoculars from a hook by the window. The couple notice him ogling them.] Lovely night! [He tosses the binoculars out of the window. A dog below barks. He turns away from the window with a sigh.] Hit that dog again. But why doesn't anyone ever want to have any sex with me? Eddie: Well look on the bright side Richie, at least you're not going to get any sexually transmitted diseases. Richie: You're right there, I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl. In fact that was the closest I ever got to sex when that bus conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Gaw, talk about the Green Line! Oh Eddie. I'm just so depressed. Eddie: Aw, cheer up Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world, one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or later. Richie: But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me. I mean, she doesn't even need to sleep with me. It's the staying awake bit I'm interested in. Eddie: Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea! Richie: Oh great! [He waits while Eddie drinks his pint.] Well? Eddie: What? Richie: What was the fantastic idea? Eddie: To drink that. Only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column? Richie: Yeah! Eddie: Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description." Richie: That is absolutely brilliant! "Suave, sophisticated, witty" bababababa-aaaaaah! Let's just be economical with the truth. Um, something buck. Yeah, "Hot young buck". Eddie: What about "badger"? Richie: Nnnno, no, I'm more a sort of.. Eddie: "Hedgehog". Richie: No, fox. That's good. No, that's good. No that is good. Eddie: "Stoat". Richie: Foxy stoat? Yeeaah! Yeah, it's got a ring to it. "Foxy stoat seeks.." Eddie: "Pig"! Richie: "Foxy stoat seeks pig." Shut up Eddie! This is very important. Let's see now, foxy stoat... on the prowl... Rrrrrrrrr... I like that! Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat... Oh this is ridiculous! I'm not getting anywhere. What do they normally put? Eddie: Hang on, here we are. Sad old gits section. Sad old gits section. Did you hear what I said? Richie: Yes. Eddie: I said "Sad old gits section." Richie: Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward. What do they normally put? Eddie: Well he's not going to get very far, is he? "Gay." Richie: Don't knock it Eddie, cuts down the field for guys like us. Right, let's have a look at this. "Gay.. gay gay gay gay gay gay widow ga-" aah, widow! [licks lips] "Widow. Busty, raven-haired, millionairess, gay." Gay, gay- hang on Eddie, this is the gay section! Well u- urhh, what's this? "Instant Sex Appeal". You can get it in a bottle. Eddie: Let's have a look. [Eddie gets up, stumbling around the room behind Richie.] Richie: "Pheromone sex scent. Women cannot resist this powerful love smell. Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids." Wow! Oh look, it's medically proven. "This stuff attracts women like you would not believe - Karachi Medical Gazette. Available at all good sex shops." This is it Eddie - Girl City here we come! What do you think old chum? [Eddie throws up on Richie's shoulder. The pan explodes.] Richie: Nil desparandum! Scene 2. A Sex Shop. ----------------------- [Richie is lurking outside the door; he pushes Eddie into the shop.] Richie: Go on. Go on! Assistant: Can I help you sir? Eddie: Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it? Assistant: Yes. Eddie: I'll have five quid's worth then! Assistant: Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before. Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again? Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum. Eddie: You've been working here too long mate. Richie: [hissing, from the door] Get some pheromone, get the pheromone. Assistant: Can I help you, sir? Richie: No. Assistant: Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex life? Richie: What are you implying? That I'm some sort of sexual inadequate? I have a very full and rich and varied sex life, thank you very much. I don't need anything from a shop like this! Assistant: Would you get out then sir? Richie: No. Assistant: Why not? Richie: It's a secret. [He gestures urgently to Eddie.] Eddie: [to Richie] Okay. [quietly] Hhhm, two bottles of pheromone please. Assistant: Pardon? Eddie: Hhhhhhhhh, two bottles of pheromone please. Assistant: Pheromone! Oh yes, that's the sex spray for inadequate men who find it impossible to attract women? Eddie: That's the one, yes. Assistant: [to Richie] Isn't it, sir? Richie: Ah, I've got no idea, not being a pervert I'm not up on these things. Assistant: Your sex spray gentlemen! Eddie: Hh, hhh, I've got it! Richie: Fantastic, give me mine! Let's go! Er, I mean, well done Doctor.. Eddie: I'm not a doctor! Richie: Shut up. We are men of science! [He discovers that his hand is clasping a huge dildo. He jumps back.] We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster! Where truth and purity and virginity are the only things we respect! Eddie: That's right Richie. Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit of this on, get down the pub and see if we can pick up some birds! Richie: Yeah! [They leave. Richie gets tangled up in a leather harness.] Urgh, urgh, urg, urgh.. whoarrgh! Scene 3. The Flat. --------------------- [Eddie is in the bathroom, practicing in the mirror.] Eddie: Hello baby. Feeling mysteriously drawn to me are you? Well don't you worry - you can have me whenever you like! Ll-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll- [Eddie flaps his tongue at the mirror but suddenly stops, having noticed something. He pulls his tongue out further, covers it with shaving foam and shaves it.] Richie: Ungh, blast these underpants! Argh! I've been soaking them for hours and I still can't get them off. You know I've only got one pair of pants? Eddie: Yeah. Richie: Well the elastic went so I had to glue them on. Eddie: Have you tried Swarfega? Richie: Get out of it mate, this is Eterno-Gum! Nothing'll shift this! I've been sitting on a bowl of petrol for the last two hours. I tell you, I'm a walking time-bomb I am - one curry and I'll blow, and I'll take half the street with me as well. Eddie: Oh, don't you worry Richie. Within the hour some pheromone- crazed love goddess'll be ripping them off with her teeth. Richie: Haahh, do you really think so? Eddie: No doubt about it! Richie: Ohh, God! I wonder what she'll find down there? I've had them on for three weeks. What am I doing here? Oh yes, where's that biro? Right, chest hair. What do you think, curly or straight? Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think? Eddie: Yeah, I'd go for curly. Richie: Yeah, hwoorh. Curly it is. [Drawing hairs on his chest.] Curly wurly wurly... Eddie: I'm not so sure about the green though. Richie: I know, but I used up all the black on me legs. Oh-oh. Nose hair. [click, click] Tweezers! Eddie: What do you mean, [click, click] tweezers? We've never had any tweezers. Richie: Well get some [click, click] pliers then. Huh, it doesn't matter how much pheromone I put on, if some bird sees that coming at her out of the dark she's likely to pull on it and expect the butler to come in. Eddie: [Returning with the pliers.] There. Here we go. Which one is it? Richie: Third one on the left. [There is a loud crunch as he closes the pliers on Richie's nostrils.] Eddie: Brace yourself.. Richie: Yes? Eddie: ..because this might make your eyes water. [Eddie starts to pull, swinging Richie around from side to side, bracing himself with a foot in order to pull harder. Richie is in some discomfort and eventually manages to punch Eddie away.] Richie: Bastard! [Richie pulls the bathroom cabinet off the wall and smashes it over Eddie's head. Eddie punches Richie, sending him flying through the bathroom door. He follows him and starts lining up a huge punch.] Richie: Oh, uh, no, Eddie, no, this is stupid! Eddie: Yes? Richie: Look, we're going out tonight, to get some fantastic birds! Remember? We don't have to take out our frustrations on each other, we can take them out on them! Okay? Eddie: Okay. Richie: Okay. Come on, let's shake and make up. Both: Brrrrr. Mm mm mm... greeneye! [They walk into the living-room.] Eddie: Yeah, that's right Richie, our crumpet-free days are over. Listen to this. "Spray liberally.. Richie: Yeah? Eddie: ..Go to a place with lots of females.. Richie: Yeah? Eddie: ..and brace yourself." Richie: Gawww! Hahhh. How much do you think we should put on? Eddie: Well, I've already put on half a bottle. Richie: What! Half a bottle? Are you insane? You'll be dead by morning. Death by Sex. You'll just be lying there and they'll be doing it to you and doing it to you and doing it to you until- I think I'll put on half a bottle as well! Ah, a little bit there, little bit there, little bit there just in case... ooh! Right. Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we used to have? Eddie: We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round with that sherry. Richie: Great days they were, great days. Ah well, not to worry - let's get some more down the pub. Scene 4. The Pub. -------------------- [There is a terrific barking of dogs. Richie and Eddie enter, forcing the door shut behind them.] Richie: Blimey, when it said "female" I didn't expect the term to be so broad. Hah.. right.. here we are. Here we go - Death by Sex, Part One. Right, come on. Eddie: Look at that crackling bit of crumpet! Richie: Right. That one's got my number on it. I'll see you later old pal, I'm going in. Eddie: Okay, good luck skipper. [Richie lifts his arm and wafts his armpit past the woman a few times. She doesn't notice. He flaps the front of his jacket at her, wafting pheromone.] Richie: ..Yes... Give in... Give in to your cravings... Woman: I beg your pardon? Richie: Do as you are bid. You cannot help yourself... Come back to my place because we're going to have it off... [The woman's husband appears behind Richie. He is a large, tough-looking man.] Tough: What d'you think you're doing with my wife? Eddie: He's gonna have it off with her! Tough: I don't think he is. [He takes a good grip on Richie's crutch and twists. Crunch.] ...I don't think he's capable any more. Woman: No! Darling, don't hurt them. I think it's shocking they send them back into the community so soon... Richie: Yes, that's right! We're mere loonies, we mean no harm! [He makes loony noises. Eddie joins in.] "Come back to my place, we're going to have it off" - ahhahha I'm mad! Ahhahahah- you see Eddie, it works! Eddie: Did it? Richie: Of course it did! If it hadn't been for that gorilla I would have been well away.. Eddie: Pwwoooargh! Richie: Did you see her - she was mesmerised! And I'll tell you what.. Eddie: What? Richie: It's loosened up my pants a bit too. Eddie: Well, this is your lucky day! Richie: You're not wrong there. Come on - we'll get the drinks in and then we'll prrrrrowl. Grrrrrr. Landlord! [He clicks his fingers.] Two halves of mild please. Eddie: In pint glasses. Landlord: Certainly Eddie, and how are we today? Eddie: Yep. [Eddie sprays the air in front of him.] Landlord: Fwoorh, smells like the drains have gone in here. Eddie: Cor, look at those couple of stunners down there. Richie: Whoh, whoh, whoh... Do you think they're starbirds? Eddie: Yeah, bound to be mate. Either that or... topless models. Richie: Look at the way they're sitting! Screaming for it! They want to have it off with someone. Landlord: Ah, that'll be one pound sixty please gents. Eddie: Yeah, cheers, just stick it on the slate Dick. Landlord: Ah, you haven't got a slate. Eddie: Yes we have! Landlord: No you haven't. Eddie: I demand to see the landlord! Landlord: I am the landlord. Eddie: I know! Landlord: We have this conversation every night. One pound sixty. Richie: All right, there you are. Vampire! Eddie: Leech! Richie: Bloodsucker! Eddie: Parasite! Richie: Usurer! Landlord: Shut up. Eddie: It's always worth a try. Richie: Absolutely. Speaking of which, let the tournament commence. [Richie walks behind one of the women, spraying some pheromone. He flaps his coat at her. He gets no response and plucks her shoulder.] Excuse me, excuse me! [Now Richie has her attention, he flaps his coat again and then waves his tie in her face.] Kate: Is there something wrong? Richie: No, there's everything right... my love. [Eddie points at the other girl.] Eddie: Is that one mine? Richie: Yes, that's your bird. Eddie: Right, we'd better get started then. [He sprays the other girl in the face.] Right, so what's it to be then - mild or bitter? Richie: Or straight back to our place? Kate: I'm sorry, look we really don't want a drink. Richie: I think you do. [Richie sprays his armpit and thrusts it in her face.] Are you sure? Kate: Oh alright, if you must I'll have a Coke. Richie: Bingo! It bloody works! Eddie, you get the drinks in. I'll keep the birds white hot. Eddie: Okay. Richie: So, little baby. What might your little name be today? Kate: My little name's Kate today, same as it was yesterday. Richie: Hahahahahaaa. I say, what a lovely blouse. It's very special isn't it? Do you often wear blouses? Or sometimes do you wear a jumper? I suppose it depends on the weather really doesn't it? I, I sometimes wear a jumper. There again, sometimes I wear a cardie. Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants off with your teeth? Landlord: You haven't got a slate. Eddie: Extortionate parasite! Landlord: Shut up. Eddie: Here we go. Richie: I suppose if you're wearing dentures... Eddie: Hey, here's a good one. Anyone fancy a quick gander at the Eiffel Tower? Richie: Oh, this is frightfully funny- no it's not! Eddie! No! No! Don't do that, because I think it's time to go to the toilet. Eddie, wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me? Eddie: No.. I wouldn't? [Richie mimes putting money into a machine, getting a condom out, stretching it between his fingers, unrolling the condom over his head, pulling it tight, rolling it back off again. Eddie, not understanding, repeats the stretching gesture. In desperation Richie gestures, poking his finger through the circle formed by the finger and thumb of his other hand; the girls notice and he opens his hand, pretending to rub some dirt off it.] Eddie: I get it! Johnnies! [Richie runs away, heading for the toilet.] Eddie: Shan't be a moment girls, I'm desperate to go. Ahh, keep yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment. Adieu, adieu.. to yeu and yeu and yeu... Richie: Edward Hitler, will you get into the lavatory with me this instant! [Eddie goes in. Richie notices the rest of the pub watching.] We're.. toilet inspectors. Scene 5. The Gent's Toilet. ------------------------------ [Eddie takes a look out of the door.] Eddie: The coast is clear! Richie: Right, let's go! Oh, nadgers - what kind do you want? Eddie: Rubber ones. Richie: Yeah, but there's, there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive. Eddie: Ripped? Richie: Yeah. Eddie: Who's gonna want a ripped condom? Richie: Ah, it must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I don't think ultra-sensitive's our style, do you? Eddie: Nahhh. Richie: Right then, tickler it is! Oh, nadgers - what colour? Eddie: What have they got? Richie: There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack or there's leopard-skin. Eddie: Which d'you think is the most romantic? Richie: Well, Union Jack of course. Eddie: Well, Union Jack tickler then. Richie: Okey-dokey. Oh, nadgers - what flavour? Eddie: Flavour? Richie: Yeah, there's banana, strawberry, peanut butter, Marmite or cheese and onion. Eddie: Well, everyone likes cheese and onion don't they? Richie: Of course they do. Okey-dokey then. Cheese and onion flavour Union Jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it. Eddie: No, no, no. Get two. Richie: Get two? Eddie: Yeah. Richie: Wild man! [Richie feeds some money into the machine and presses the relevant buttons. Nothing happens. He hits the machine a few times.] Bastard! Bastard! Give me my rubber johnnies! Eddie: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the DIY expert. Right, let's have a look at the little fella. Hah.. Yeah, I think I see the problem. Richie: What is it? [Eddie hits the machine, too hard, and doubles up in pain.] Eddie: Hwarg- ooh! Ahh, ahhg, ahhg! Richie: Eddie! [Richie starts hitting the machine.] Give me my johnnies, give me my johnnies! Eddie: Ow! Richie: There's two birds out there in the bar who're just screaming for it! Give me my johnnies! [The tough man from the bar walks into the toilet, behind Richie. Eddie plucks at Richie's arm, trying to warn him.] Get off, Eddie! Give me my johnnies! I just want to do it and do it and do it to those two birds at the bar- ah, ah.. Tough: You wanna what? Eddie: Um, he, he, he wants to do it and do it and do it to those two birds at the bar. Richie: Haahaa.. [Richie gets punched and crashes back against the machine, which starts to spew out packets of condoms.] Ooh! Eddie! Look! More johnnies than it's humanly possible to use in a week! Eddie: Grreat! [Eddie opens his mouth and gives himself a massive blast of pheromone.] Richie: Come on, that should do for a week. Let's go out there before our two crumpets go off the boil. Scene 6. Back in the Pub. ---------------------------- [Richie and Eddie enter from the toilet.] Richie: Oh no! Someone's nicked our birds! Eddie: Come on Richie, let me at them! I'm a sex typhoon! Hello, baby! Richie: Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair. Eddie: Yeah, it's a bit of all right isn't it? Richie: Eddie, calm down, someone's nicked our crumpets. Oh no, there they are.. [Eddie begins pawing the tough man, who is standing at the bar with his wife. Richie notices just in time.] Eddie: Hwor, hwor, hworrrrgh... Richie: Eddie, no! Wrong one! Ha ha [loony noise]. [They arrive at the table where the two women are now sitting.] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha! Oh. So you've moved tables. Of course, how silly of me. It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it birds? Kate: Look, I'm sorry, but we're having a private conversation. Richie: That's all right, you just carry on, we'll sit here and listen. But you'd better hurry up - we haven't got all night. Kate's Friend: No, I'm sorry, we'd really rather be on our own. Richie: Oh. Oooh. Ah ha ha ha-ha. Trying to decide which one of us to have, are you? Well before you decide let me tell you that, ah, "Tiny" Eddie here and.. I.. h-hmm.. share the same flat so don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house. Eddie: Have me. Have me, I'm a Love Albatross! [Eddie falls off his chair and slips down under the table.] Richie: Ah-ha ha ha ha ha. Yes. Although, if you play your cards right, you could both wind up sleeping in the same.. bed. Kate: I'm sorry. You've got the wrong idea. We're really not interested. Besides which, we're lesbians. Richie: Well, you'd be used to it then won't- you what! Kate: We're lesbians. Richie: Yes, I know what you said! Is this some sort of joke? Because if it is I don't think it's very funny. Friend: Come on Kate, let's go. Richie: Wait a minute! You just sit down there young lady. I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith. That's eighty pence you've hoodwinked out of me. Eighty pence. When I said "Hello my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian"? No, you didn't, not a bit of it. You said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely". Kate: No I didn't, I said "Oh all right, if you must". Richie: All right, all right, there's no need to be so pedantic. The fact is you owe me eighty pence. Kate: What d'you mean? Richie: Well you're not going to sleep with me are you? Kate: Right, there's your eighty pence. Come on, let's go. Richie: What, you're going? No, wait, wait, wait, this is silly, this is so silly. Ha-ha, look, look, hah, look, I'm terribly sor- look, what the hell! Let's waive the eighty pence. You know, it's Saturday night! Who cares? Look, look, okay, I'm sorry. I have been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault that you're lesbians. Look, please, give me one more chance. Come back to my place - and I'll cure you. [The women push past Richie and leave. Richie calls to them through the open door.] What did I say? No, no don't go! Please! I've got the same ideas about women as you have! I've got loads of magazines at home! You can come back with me and we'll all read them together! I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983! And they just flop open at the lingerie pages! Hey, no, wait, wait, I've even taped the "Clothes Show" special on beachwear! We could take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants! [Richie notices the silence, the rest of the pub looking at him, hanging on every word.] Yes, is there something wrong? [The background chatter of the pub returns. Richie walks back into the pub and starts to put his coat on with a sigh.] Ruined Saturday night. Oh well, may as well have another drink. Landlord, I shall have a large- Landlord: Time gentlemen please! Richie: You are a cu- Landlord: Out! Eddie: Hi baby. Cor, you smell great! Let's do it! Richie: Eddie, get a grip! Eddie: Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely. Richie: Eddie, no! Eddie: Richie, yes! Richie: Huuhh.. Right, I'm off! [Richie speeds out of the door. There is a terrible commotion of dogs barking. He returns, panting.] Eddie: Changed your mind have you dearie? Well, come on then. Plant a big one right on me kisser! Richie: Uurrrgh. Urgh, urgh. [Richie advances towards Eddie, expressions of distaste and disgust crossing his face. When he gets close enough he lets fly a massive punch. The screen freezes just after it lands. The titles roll.]