Top ten problems with the Death Star
15,000 gun emplacements and they STILL can't hit Wedge.
Lines for bathrooms in the morning two miles long.
Even with Windows 95, Vader still cannot get DOOM to run properly.
It's politically correct name would be " The heavenly body that causes
living impairment."
When the trash compactor overflows, its just plain NASTY.
Sophisticated sensor equipment can detect any intruders except Jedis and
smugglers.
Chicks just aren't impressed by a "small moon."
Mummification chamber for Tarkin is too small.
Computer paneling actually decals from the bridge of the starship
Enterprise.
And the number one problem with the Death Star is...
Despite being the ultimate symbol of power in the Empire, HBO still
costs extra.
The Village People Meet Yoda
Y.O.D.A (To the Village People's "Y.M.C.A")
Okay, you MUST sing this to the tune or it just won't be effective!
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN,
If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).
Top Ten Signs That Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life
You say, "make it so" in casual conversation.
You're indignant that the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
tritanium.
You can use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive
thought.
There are more than one pair of Spock ears in your junk drawer.
You've figured out the stardate system.
You have a sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra.
You've memorized the Enterprise crew's authorization codes.
You're having serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
You understand Klingon.
And the Number One Sign That Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life ...
You forget that today's elevators don't have voice interface.
Top 10 Reasons why The Enterprise-D would defeat a Star Destroyer
Stupid Imperial commanders mistake the Enterprise for an Imperial
freighter.
Vader uses Turbolaser power to charge his batteries.
TIE Fighter pilot sneezes inside his helmet, crashes into Star
Destroyer's bridge by mistake.
Data beats the Star Destroyer's main computer at 3-D Chess.
Geordi lets loose with a 30 minute stream of Technobabble, Star
Destroyer spontaneously combusts.
Enterprise crew beams over Wesley. Crew doesn't stand a chance.
Wedge appears suddenly and the Star Destroyer high-tails it out of
there.
Jean-Luc gives a long speech about ethics, Star Destroyer crew dies of
boredom.
Star Destroyer fires at Enterprise, Helm explodes. Enterprise fires
back, Star Destroyer partially damaged. Repeat 100 times.
And the Number 1 reason why the Enterprise-D would defeat a star
destroyer is . . .
Two words: Picard Maneuver!
Top Ten Reasons Why . . . The Galactic Empire would defeat the
Enterprise-D
Picard appalled at Imperial ideology, Vader finds his lack of faith
disturbing.
Worf bounces too many times between quantum universes and cannot
understand tactical console; single TIE fighter destroys impotent galaxy
class starship.
Bacta Tank is a better physician than Beverly Crusher.
Imperial Stormtroopers disguise themselves as Deanna Troi, Data's 3D
Chess nemesis, challenging him to endless hours of the game.
Darth Vader is a better shot than Worf. ANYONE (as Guinan has shown) can
outshoot Worf.
A Borg cubeship shows up, kidnapping Jean-Luc Picard again.
A New Hope grosses over $420 million.
Emperor has foreseen Enterprise shield modulation of 257.4 MHz
Data sucked into Sandcrawler via Magnetic Suction Tube; sold to Owen
Lars as protocol droid.
And the number one problem Galactic Empire would defeat the
Enterprise-D...
Three Words: Commence Primary Ignition
© 1997 burford@rednecks.com
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