Well well well! What do we have here? Somebody peekin’ through the bushes? What a fine mess you have gotten yourself in Joxer! LOL! Its not nice to spy on nekkid Amazons while they're getting their Saturday night bath! Nope! Uh Uhhh! So they caught ya pal, so they took ya back to da~camp to deal out a lil bit of Amazon justice.
Meanwhile...back at the hut...
Xena invents...THE BABY SWING! LOL! Well of course she did, Xena invented EVERYTHING didn't she? ;) Now Gab being the astute bard that she is...notices that Xena is "nesting". Hmmmmm does that mean Xena is a bird? Well lets see she soars like an eagle and is able to leap tall buildings with a single bound...oh yeah...that's someone else..... *VBG*
Anyway...Gab asks Xena if she would like to settle down since she is acting like little Suzy Homemaker. To which Xena replies something like, "What? Cuz I built a baby swing?" Ha! Good one Xena! And so begins a series of classic X:WP lines IMO! ;)
Well...their little convo is interrupted by the arrival of the Amazons who have Joxer in tow. They have this burlap sack over his head...hmmmm....whats that old saying about putting a bag over someone's head? Heh heh heh Cyan...not THE Cyan...but someone who has taken her name...announces that the intruder must face Amazon law for what he's done. She then pulls the sack off and....
Oh dear! Gabrielle and Xena are totally SHOCKED to see just who is under that sack...(as opposed to who is IN the sack ;)) AND our boy Joxer is just as surprised to see THEM! But he recovers quickly and thinks he's got it made cuz his ladies will rescue him. Think again Joxer old buddy!
Xena leans over and whispers in Joxer's ear....
Xena: Did you bring me the letter from Cleopatra?.
Joxer: No
(Is that your final answer Joxer?)
*ENNNNHHHH* Ooops wrong!
Cuz then Xena sez, "I never laid eyes on this man in my life!"
Not looking good for ole Jox anymore......
So the Amazons put Joxer in the stockade. Well lookee here...its the same one that Xena was in when she was in Chin in The Debt. I guess they bought it cheap off of ebayitus....
Ahhh we now have the stage set for some of those classic lines I referred to earlier. Lines such as:
Joxer: (To young Amazon) I gotta use the little warrior's room.
Little Warrior's Room get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA Uhhh uhhmmm okaaaayyyy. Anyway, he tells the Amazon girl he'll help her if she helps him. She asks him what Xena wants in a sidekick. He tells her a bunch of Xena stuff and then she thanks him and walks away. Poor Joxer is still holding his legs together while his eyes turn a curious shade of yellow....
Meanwhile back at the sweat lodge...
Oh did I tell you that Xena invented the SAUNA too? Yuppers! Indeed she did! Those women were all sitting around while the rocks steamed up the windows. ;) And you know how girl chat starts in a place like that. Well of course the subject turned to...SEX. Well lots of those Amazon girlies were young and didn't really know what it was all about you know. They asked Xena...
"What's it like being with a man?"
Xena's reply?
"Well the good news is...its different every time. The bad news is...its different every time! You're always hoping for Greek Fire but you just get didly!."
Spoken truly Xena, and words that I LMAO at!!!
One lil Amazon announces that she is going to remain a virgin FOREVER. To which Xena replies quite seriously...
"Forever is a long time."
Yeah that one made poor Gabrielle choke on her drink. LOL!
Okay I suppose that was at the end of the day because next we see Xena and Gab sleeping in the hut but we hear a very RUDE sounding noise which wakes Xena up. It wakes Gab up too. And Xena looks at Gab quite seriously and asks:
"Was that you?"
ROTFLMAO!!! Oh boy bathroom humor....again!!!
Well Gabrielle looks totally insulted, rolls her eyes and tells Xena that was the Ram's horn and that she has encouraged the Amazons to participate in more of their historical traditions. I guess blowing on a Rams horn early in the morning was one of those. Anyway....Gabrielle tells Xena that its time to get up because she has to go out and be a queen.
Xena: What am I supposed to do all day while you're off Queening? Gabrielle: You could try cleaning this place up a bit.
Oh my my...ONLY our lil bard could tell the WARRIOR PRINCESS to clean the house and get away with it! ROTFLMAO!
Well Gab goes off to "Queen" and Xena begins to "clean" grumbling the whole time when....what do you know here comes the lil Amazon groupie, Eris, who is so starstruck by Xena that she wants to be her new sidekick! And boy does she make an entrance! She jumps and kicks and "EEEYAAAHHHH"'s and then asks Xena what she thinks about the fact that she's all that. And Xena replies...
"But can you clean?"
Yup thats our Xena...always thinkin'! ;) So the lil one gets to clean house for her idol. Meanwhile back at the palace...uhm I mean Queen's hut, Gabrielle is sound asleep. Well hey its hard work being Queen ya know! I'm sure she worked very hard all day. Yup I am absolutely positive of that. ;)
Well her nap is not to be because Cyan busts in completely unaware that her Queen is taking a royal snooze...
Cyan: Gabrielle!!!!
Gab sits bolt upright and mumbles.
Gab: Not tonight....
Ohhhh naughty naughty Queen! *BEG*
So what was the rude awakening about? Cyan tells Gabrielle that Joxer is to lose an eye according to Amazon law for peekin’ at the nekkid Amazons. Whoa! Thats pretty harsh but hey...whatever.
Well Gabrielle is pretty upset so she tells Xena.
Gabrielle: Joxer's gonna be blinded.
Xena: Nah thats just a myth. Guys don't really go blind from doing that.....
Oh thank you Xena...I didn't know.....
Meanwhile back at the stockade...
Another lil Amazon girlie decides that Joxer is just a hunkahunka baybee luv.
Rehia: Would you wanna make a baby with me?
Joxer: I can't do that! Guys aren't really like that! We can't just make love on demand. We need stuff like cheap motel rooms, dirty pictures and lingerie. We're not animals!
Oh. Geez that was quite informational Joxer, you've really opened the door to the male psyche for me and I thank ya because I understand much better now..... ;)
Meanwhile back at Xena and Gab's hut...
Oh gooodie more Amazon crazy dancin'!! I just love that body swayin' and arm swingin' to da~groovy jungle beat! Why are they dancing? Why they are practicing for Gabrielle's coronation as Queen! And of course they want Xena to participate...after all...they are soulmates....
Well Xena's tryin' but she's not doin' too good. As a matter of fact she looks kinda bored...as a matter of fact she looks totally bored and finally she tells the girls that she's "had enough for one day." To which the sidekick wannabe gal replies, (all of us older gals can totally relate to this one)....
"Xena's a lot older than us, she's probably tired."
Oh my...if looks could kill.....
Uhm thats not gonna win you a lot of sidekick points Eris....
Well anyhoo this gets ole Xener to thinkin' and she goes to Gabrielle and annouces that she's gonna take Eve and go away for a while. Took poor Gab completely by surprise it did! But Gabs took it in stride and told Xener to do what she had to do...after all Gab's got her Queening to keep her busy anyway....
Well Xener starts to packin' and Gab starts to search for a legal loophole to get Joxer out of his jam. She finds one too! (Hmmm did they have lawyers back in those days? ;)) So she goes to Joxer and tells him that if he admits he's done wrong and pledges his undying allegiance to her as Queen she can pardon him. Well of course Joxer agrees.
Fast forward to some more Amazon "traditions". This time we have the traditional Amazon mudsoaked howling at Sister Moon...yup our Gab is covered in icky grey mud (did the Amazons invent the mud bath? ;)) and she commences to howl at the moon until the sun comes up. Ohhh my achin' ears...she needs to practice that howling a bit...
Meanwhile back at Xena's place, Eris is still flipping and even learned how to do the Xena yell...well sorta...
Eris: How about the warlord cry?
Xena: Sounded kinda like a Yak in labor.
HAHAHAHAHAHA>P>
Meanwhile back at the stockade....
Gabrielle tells Joxer about the pledging of allegiance thing and he agrees. She leaves.
Rehia comes by and cuts Joxer loose. Hoboy they're gonna make a break for it! But Joxer's a bit hesitant...well I can understand that. Cuz if they wanna cut out his eye for peekin' just what is he gonna lose for makin' that baby? Hmmm???? Besides he's gonna be pardoned anyway...but still...that lil Amazon chic is awful cute....
Meantime back at Xena's place....(yeah they're switchin' scenes fast and furiously now...kinda makes ya dizzy....)
Eris announces that she's packed her stuff and is ready to leave. Xena tells her that she doesn't want another sidekick and she's leaving alone. Eris gets this, "You mean I did all that cleaning for nothing?" kind of look on her face. LOL! She tells Xena that she found some of Gabrielle's scrolls and Xena takes the scrolls back into the hut. She sits down and opens one up asking Eve if she wants to hear a story. Then as she looks at the scrolls she says....
"Return of Callisto, now thats a good one."
She begins to read....
I sing of the wrath of Callisto, the pain of Gabrielle and the courage of Xena....
Geez where did that talented bard go? I miss her! Oh yeah...she's a Queen now....
Meanwhile back at the...uhmmm barn? The Amazon Rheia asks Joxer how you start to make love. He tells her it usually starts with a kiss and she says, "Like this?" and kisses him. Then she asks how it was and he says, "Pathetic!" Ohhh that had to hurt! But he adds, "Practice, practice, practice!" Nice save Joxer! ;) Well that's all that lil Amazon needed to hear so she jumps on top of Joxer and starts...uhm...practicing....
Meanwhile back at the stockade....
Cyane sees that Joxer has been cut loose and goes right to where he and Rheia are. I wonder how she knew that...well...anyway. Oooops...caught!!! Next thing you know Joxer is marched back into the Queen-room and Gabrielle is told...
"He was caught kissing Rheia out of season."
Ohhhh my, there's a season for kissing? I didn't know that. Next time I want to kiss someone I'll just tell them, "tis the season..." hahahahahahahahaha
Well it isn't so funny for Joxer though because now he has to be punished and there ain't no gettin' out of it! His penalty? He must fight the Queen to the death!
Okay cut to a commercial here...I just love commercials don't you? Its a wonder how they cram so many different sales pitches into that itty bitty two minutes....hahahahaha
All righty then...back at the ranch...I mean hut...Xena tells Gabrielle that she read her scrolls and...well...how could she leave her after she wrote such beautiful things...
Gab is surprised but accepts Xena's decision and then tells her how she has to fight Joxer for his crime of kissing that lil Amazon girlie out of season. Xena tells Gab that she doesn't have to fight Joxer. She says SHE will...and boy does she look mean!
Okie dokie...Gabrielle informs Cyan and the other Amazons that she is exercising her heretofore unknown right to choose a champion to fight Joxer. A champion? Cyan says she didn't know about that. Well its written down somewhere, she's told by Gab. ;)
Que music: (We will rock them by Queen - get it? hahahahaha)
Que set: AWWF (Ancient Worldwide Wrestling Federation - hokayyy)
Que Xena: Boasting about how big and bad she is and how she is gonna whup Joxer's Rudy Pooh Candy Ass!
Que Joxer: Boasting about how big and bad he is and how he is gonna take Xena down in two rounds-cuz their ain't gonna BE a Round 3!
Begin fight!
Hey its Wrestlemania on the Amazon channel! Whoop De Doo!!!!
K, well after its all said and done Xena puts the pinch on Joxer and cuts off the flow of blood to his brain. Then she asks what constitutes death. Duh Xena! Dead means...DEAD doesn’t it?
Well...the Amazons say he's still moving. She pinches him some more. They Amazons say he's still breathing. She pinches him still another time. Cyan comes over and listens to his chest and says his heart is still beating. Xena rolls her eyes and pinches him one last time. Bye bye Joxer. Cyan announces he is dead and the challenge is satisfied.
But wait....he's not dead yet! Xena does some reverse pinching and Joxer's alive again! YIKES!!! Low blow cry the Amazons! "You tricked us!" Well Xener tells them that their laws should be changed, I mean shame on them for killing a guy just because he's been kissing an Amazon out of season. Tsk Tsk!
Well then Gabrielle tells Cyan that she should be leader of the tribe because...ta da...Gab is going with Xena! Awww we knew that would happen didn't we? ;)
And in the end....
They laid upon their bedrolls with Eve in between (and Joxer snoring on his side next to Gab) and chatted a bit and then Gabrielle asks, "So where are we going next?" Xena sez, "Oh...I think a cruise down the Nile would be nice..." But thats another story. ;)
Yeah I liked it. ;)
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