Now this particular episode is where it all turned sour for me. Yeah I had steadily been doing a downward spiral from "Motherhood" on but still I had hoped that perhaps the writers could somehow pull it all together in the end.
I was wrong.
Now this was the second part of an arc so to quickly review...
When last we left our heroines their "apparently" lifeless bodies had been sealed in an icy tomb by a very distraught Ares. I loved his little graveside speech by the way.
Anyway....one day there was this....hmmm what the heck was it? Was it a rockslide? Was it an earthquake? Who knows! But what happened was it somehow opened up the top of the mountain and let warm sunlight into the ice cave where Xena and Gabrielle lay in sarcophagai of ice. The sun melted Xena's frozen casket and she...looking like death warmed over...hehehehe...gets out and uses her sword to smash open Gabrielle’s ice cube. Well understandably they are a bit confused...and thinkin’ "Huh???" Then Xena remembers she's a mom and gets scared because she doesn’t know what happened to her precious lil baby Evie. She remembers that they were supposed to meet Octavius but hey...something got messed up and they ended up being popsicles instead. So they decide to go find Octavius so Xena can get Eve back.
As they are walking along they innocently wander into Joxer's Xena Rock Cafe aka Planet Xena. Yup there is all sorts of Xena memorabilia in that tavern! I bet if he sold that stuff on ebayitus he’d be rich! LOL!
Well...anyway...Xena is just flabbergasted that there is this shrine that has pictures and statues of her and replicas of her chakram and other stuff and just keeps looking around with her mouth hanging open. She and Gabrielle spot an old woman serving a customer. This prompts Gabrielle to suggest...
"Meg?"
Jeez good eyes Gabby! She looked so old and decrepid to me I woulda' never guessed! Now Gabrielle is speculating about how Meg used to look just like Xena and all and even comments that Xena should watch her weight so she doesn’t end up looking like poor Meg when she gets old. Methinks Gabs was being a wee bit snarky! LOL!
Well old Meg spots them too and thus is born another one of those classic Xena lines....
Meg to Gabrielle: You know what, you kinda look like her. But Gabrielle wasn’t so butch.
Ahhh yes I suppose short hair wasn't the fashion 25 years later. It was looking like it could be before though...just ask Najara! Anyway....
Gab spots old Joxer and calls his name. At this point, believe it or not, there was a lil tear in my eye as Joxer realized who they were and hugged them. Meg on the otherhand took it in stride and so did Virgil who didn’t bat an eyelash when Joxer introduced them. And...in fact...replied that he'd heard so much about them and always wanted to meet them! Okkkaaaayyyyyy.
We then find out that Argo has gone to that great big green pasture in the sky but has left behind a daughter! And...as is always in the Xenaverse...she looks just like Mom! Well of course Xena has to have her, jumps on her back and takes her over a fence. Gee, Joxer said that horse had never been ridden and here when Xena jumped on her back she didn’t even need to be broken! Hmmmm...
Xena asks Joxer about Livia and he says she was with Octavius the last time he saw her. So, Joxer (who still has the pie tin armor), Virgil Gabrielle and Xena start out for Rome to find Livia.
Well in the meantime this chic Livia has been performing her Roman wardly duties as Octavius' lil killing machine. I have to stop here and say publically that I was NOT impressed with Adrienne Wilkerson’s acting or appearance in this episode. She may be better in other things...but I do not think she was right for this part. She needs to learn how NOT to overact...but then again...she WAS playing Xena's daughter....
Anyway there she is killing everybody in site getting smeared with all kinds of blood....they should have called this episode "Bloodbath". And guess what? She's having a lil thang with Ares too! Like mother like daughter I suppose.... But I am getting ahead of myself so more on that later.
Xena finds Octavius and he tells her that Livia is her daughter. Oh poor Xena! That blood thirsty vixen from Hades is her kid???? But...but...but...Xena had felt life...and it was...good.... Damn!!!
*Cue music*
*Cue Xena*
*Cue production number*
*Take 5.....*
*And....Action!*
Kids! I don't know whats wrong with these kids today!
Kids! Raise 'em good but they still turn to bad swordplay!
Kids! They don’t even appreciate
How you've gone to Hell
Hiding, slaving, killing, maiming Greek gods
And living in an ice tomb
Kids! Turn your back and they'll always take the wrong way
Kids! Its so bad I just don't know what to say
Why can't they be like I was
Perfect in every way
What's the matter with kids tooo-dayyyy
*Cut! Print it!*
HAHAHAHA sorry couldn't help myself...had that left over from Lyer Lyer..... ;)
Anyway poor Xena was deprived of raising her daughter and so as a result *Eve* turned into *Livia*. Hmmmm....do you think that if Xena has raised her she wouldn’t have turned into an evil blood thirsty warlord princessette? Oh yeah...she would have been doing it in the name of good...I forgot....that makes all the difference..........
So anyway, back to the story...while Xena is talking to Octavius now known as Augustus Caesar, Gabrielle, Joxer and Virgil go to the market. There, some of Livia's army are passing around the helmet to fund a new temple for Ares. One of them gets to Joxer and....oh my this has to be the best line in the whole episode....Joxer sez, "Blow it out your ass!" ROTFLMAO!!! Well the soldier wasn't laffin' so of course a big fight starts and yeah Gabs is lookin' real good kicking Roman butt....but....of course Joxer messes it all up by getting caught (hey I know the guy is old but that IS what happened) and the soldier says that if Virgil and Gab don't stop beating up on his men Joxer will "get it". So of course they stop fighting and end up in the Arena dungeon with Eli's followers (aka the Christians). I wondered why there were no lions in this ep! Anyway.....
In the meantime Livia and Ares are having a lil foreplay...I mean swordplay......what a kinky relationship that must have been! And Livia sure does have Mama's moves! She even can do a baby Xena yell! LOL! Then as Ares kisses her he spots....Xena! And thinks..."O be still my heart!" LOL! Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm! There is Xena lookin' soooo good. Hasn't aged a day either! Well Ares just drops poor Evie like a hot potato cuz the real deal's back......
Meantime back in the jail....Gab catches Virgil writing. Now here is where a huge controversy began because when Gab asks him what he’s writing he says, "Poems, epic...poems." And sure n’ begora there is a toilet paper roll long scroll! Is he supposed to be the same Virgil as in history? Nah....not gonna open up that Pandora's Box here. LOL!
Meantime back at Livia's pad....I am skipping over the Bacchus dinner thingie to save space....but let it be said here that Ares revealed to Xena there that he had put two and two together and got Livia = Eve.....Livia is....livid! ROTFLMAO!!! Yup she spotted Ares makin' nicey nice with Xena and she has metamorphasized into a lil green eyed monster. Wait a minute...she already was a monster....anyway she's busting the place up....breaking all these plates and things.... Xena bursts in and tells her that she's not there to fight but to talk. Livia doesn't wanna talk though. Well Xena is bound and determined and so she tells Livia flat out...
"I’m your mother."
Well this just isn't what Livia wants to hear so she tells Xena.....
"Rome is my mother!"
*Sigh* such academy award winning scripting....*snicker*
Oh but there was more...when Eve starts to fight Xena, Xena says...
"We don’t have to do this."
To which Eve replies...
"I know."
More of the stellar dialogue that so enriched this story. (insert a lil rolling eyes emoticon here pleeze...yeah yeah I know I said I wouldn't...)
Well Livia ends up by telling Xena that she chooses Xena to be the champion of Eli's followers and that she will fight her to the death in the arena.
Cut to Roman Gladiator Arena.....
Well they fight again....there was a whole lotta fighting in this episode...like I said they should have named it "Bloodbath"...anyway it looks like they are pretty evenly matched until Xena puts the pinch on Livia. And that prompts some more of that award winning writing...
Xena: I'm not going to kill you, Eve. You're my daughter and whether you know it or not, I love you.
Livia: Then let me die.
Ahhhh they just don’t write them like that anymore....hahahahaha
Well Xena takes the pinch off and looks to Octavius Caesar for the thumbs up or down. Oh my we are all holdin' our breath here waitin'. And....its....THUMBS UP! Livia...lives! YAY!!!! I think..... Well anyway, the Christians...er...Eli’s follows rush onto the field...er I mean into the Arena and Eve...er...Livia has time to try to nail that Emmy one last time...
"I’ll make you wish I had never been born."
To which Xena replies...
"No....Eve...."
But Eve is gone and Xena is being surrounded by a big buncha happy Christians...er...Eli people.
And then we see....
TO BE CONTINUED
So did I roll my eyes during this episode? Nope! I just kept...shaking my head......
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