AJ         "It's great. I work my own hours, I'm my own boss, no one 
shoots me in the leg."

Chick      "The clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking."

Truman     "I'd give anything to be in that shuttle with you."
Harry      "You don't want to be up there anymore than I do."

Grace      "You lost that privledge when I turned eleven and became more 
           mature than you!" 

Harry      "Five words, AJ. Say them. 'I'll..."
AJ         " 'Never do that again.' " 

AJ         "Five words, Harry. 'AJ, y'know, you're the greatest, I'm sorry 
           I hurt you. And I love you.' Okay, maybe it's more like eleven." 

Harry      "Five words. 'Damn glad to see you, boy!"
AJ         "That's six words."

Harry      "There's not a job on this planet I'd want to work with you on. 
           I mean that." 

Grace      "Do you think it's possible that anyone else is doing this exact 
           same thing at this exact same moment?"
AJ         "I hope so. Otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?"

Kimsey?    "Well, at least they're in high spirits."

Chick      "Hey, I just came here to drill."
Nurse      "What a coincidence! So did I."

Max        "Who the hell is that for? Mr. Ed? You put that thing in me, I'm 
           gonna shove it up your ass."

Truman     "Can they physically survive the trip!?"
Doctor     "Personally, I don't know how they survived the tests."

Grace      "Hi Harry."
Harry      "Grace, I have asked you repeatedly to call me Dad."
           "Sorry Harry."

At the bottom of the page, there are more quotes seperated by three astrises (*). Those are from the end of the movie. I wanted to include those, but they may spoil the end of the movie if you haven't seen it.

I have also read the novelization of the movie and took some quotes from there. Those ones are found below. Some of them were cut from the movie, but in the book, so I included those, too. So if there's a quote there you don't recognize, that's why.

Messenger  "Little Richie!!! Someone call 911!!!"

Boy        "Mommy! That salesman is on TV!"
Mother     "That's not a salesman; that's your daddy."

Grace      "Rockhound had to show me how to use [tampons]!"
Rockhound  "I told her. I didn't actully show her."

Rockhound  "Captain America here missed our landing by 29 miles."



Dr. Banks   "One toxicology analysis revealed Ketamine. That's a very powerful 
            sedative."
Harry       "Sedatives are used all the time."
            "Yeah, well, this one's used on horses."
            "Some of these guys are very large."

Truman      "We track 3% of the sky..... and that's one big-ass sky."

Harry      "You're still the same dumb-ass punk you always were. Only now 
           you're just twice as old!"
AJ         "But, Harry! I love her!"
           "Way wrong answer!"

Grace      "I learned about the birds and the bees from Max's tatoos...
           I celebrated my 13th birthday in a brothel in Managua with Chick, 
           Max, and eleven strippers named Rosa..."
Max        "Ah, Rosa. Everyone of 'em."

Kimsey     "You should know that the President's advisors suggust a nuclear 
           blast could change the asteriod's trajectory."
Quincy     "I know those advisors. We all went to MIT together, and I can 
           tell you at times like these, you don't want to listen to a man 
           who got a C- in astrophysics."

Harry      "Six billion people on the planet and you call me. Why?"

Truman     "So what's wrong with it? You said we did a bad job putting it 
           together."
Harry      "No, I said you did a shit job."

FBI Agent  "Mr. Charles Chapple?"
Chick      "Before I answer that, let me ask you this: Has there ever been a
           time when someone's been approached with good news by two guys 
           in identical suits?"

AJ         "So lemme get this straight, what you're basically saying here
           is there's a job Mr. Stud Harry Stamper can't handle by himself?"
Harry      "Yeah.... more or less."
           "Well, I don't get it. Is it more or is it less?"
           "You and I have a real problem."

Kimsey     "Robbery, assault, arrest, resisting arresst. We've got 
           a collection from the Mob, lewd, and salacious conduction 
           in a telephone booth, two of these guys have done serious 
           time --"
           "... the future of this planet depends on a bunch of retards I 
           wouldn't trust with a potato gun."

Harry      "They'll do it. They have a few requests... Oscar has some 
           outstanding parking tickets he'd like taken off his record, 
           Noonan's got two women he'd like to see made American citizens, 
           no questions asked; Chick wants a week Emperor Package at Ceaser's 
           Palace; Bear wants to spend a summer in the Lincoln bedroom of 
           the White House; Max wants you to bring back 8-tracks, hey, you 
           wouldn't be able to tell us who killed Kennedy?... I didn't 
           think so. One more thing... they don't want to pay taxes again. 
           Ever."
Truman     "Uhhh.. we'll see what we can do about some of that."

           The crew is menatally examined

Harry      "I don't care how bad it gets down here. Up there they don't have 
           an off switch."

Oscar      "Let's say we actually do land on this thing. What's it going to 
            be like?"
Truman     "200 degrees in sunlight, minus 200 in shade. Canyons of razor- 
           sharp rock. Unstable ground, unclear gravitational conditions,
           unpredictable erruptions...."
           "Oh, so the scariest environment imaginable..."

Sharp      "If you want to replace a member of the crew, now is the time." 

Loan Shark "Hey, you're not sick, are you? Dying and shit?"
Rockhound  "Let's just say, no more than you are."

Mr. Stamper"... the good Lord gave us children so we'd have roses in December."

Chick      "I've got something coming up... you just might be proud of me."

Grace      "No matter what I've said, I've never blamed you for my mother
           leaving."

Grace      "Promise me that you'll come home."
Harry      "I promise."
           "And if it's not too much trouble, could you bring back my
           finacee, too?"

AJ         "I'm marrying you!"
Grace      "You bet your ass you are!"

           The President Addresses the Nation

Harry      "You really this brave? Or are you just full of it?"
AJ         "I'm full of it, Harry. Never been so scared in my life."

Truman     "You're our warriors up there. God be with you."

AJ         "You know what I like best about [Lev]? His personality."

Lev        "If anything break, Russian Space Agency make me pay for it."
Chick      "If this split-the-asteriod plan doesn't work, as you say, then 
           it won't make much of a difference, will it?" 
           "You are not as funny as you believe you are."

Harry      "They're still out there!!!"
Watts      "It's them or all of us!!!"

Truman     "You might not want to be here."
Grace      "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Rockhound  "We're in space, Harry. Holy shit."

Max (singing)  "Just another day drillin' a hole. In outer friggin'
           space."
Sharp      "You and your crew are the biggest mistake in the history of 
           NASA."
Harry      "You stay here. Supervise and report. I'll do all the work."

Grace      "That's my father up there!!!"

Truman     "This is one order you should not follow and you know it!"

Sharp      "Swear you can do it. Swear on your daughter's life, my family's-"
Harry      "I will make 800 feet."

Harry      "Houston, you have a problem. You see, I promised my daughter 
           I'm coming home! No, I don't know what's going on down there, but
           we've got a hole to dig up here." 

Grace      "Can they still take off?"
Truman     "We hope so, we can't know if..."
           "That's my family up there! You pulled them into this! So I  
           don't want to hear 'we hope so'!!!"

AJ         "There's a great little Italian place like two miles back!"
Harry      "Ya feel like helping us drill a hole?"
           "I've only got Bear and the cosmonaut. The others didn't make
           it."
           "We'll take all the help we can get."
           "Then let's get dirty!"

AJ         "You're not going down there."
Harry      "And who says?"
           "I'm a better climber than you. And I don't know how many 
           decades younger."
           "Back home I'd kick your ass for that."
           "The truth hurts."

Harry      "This thing definatly does not like us."
Chick      "It knows we're here to kill it."

         *               *                *

 
        *                *                * 

The Crew Draws Straws and Harry & Grace Say Goodbye

AJ         "No, Harry!! This is my job!!!"
Harry      "No, you're job is take care of my little girl. I've always 
           thought of you as son, A.J."
           "Harry!!!! No!!!!! I love you!!"

Harry      (to asteriod) "It's just you and me now." Complain all you want."

AJ         "No. Harry doesn't know the meaning of failure."

Harry      "I win."

AJ         "Thank you, Harry."

Bear       "Harry, you definatly the man."

Chick      "Be a shame to die now!"
Rockhound  "Speak for yourself! You don't owe a hundred grand to a bad-ass
           Italian."

Lev        "I wonder if my family could get citizenship here..."
Rockhound  "Buddy, at this point, your family could have thier own talk
           show here."

Sharp      "Colonel Willie Sharp, m'am. Requesting permission to shake the 
           hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met." 

AJ         "Harry wanted you to have this."
Truman     "He did? ..... Thank you."