Day three. Kate (the supportive young woman who's helping Cord look for his wife, Tina) has just told Cord
she loves him. Viki's still lying to Clint. Cassie is still trying to tell Dorian that Diane's not all she seems. And
Dorian has just found out what Diane's hit man did to Matron Spitz.
Spitz was found hanging in a cell. But no one really believes it was a suicide, it was just made to
look that way. Since Dorian doesn't believe Diane, what naturally happens is that the two women
try to claw each other's face off."
"For God's sake Diane," screams Dorian, and then the actress stops herself, mid-face-claw. "Oh, excuse me,"
says Robin Strasser. "For goodness' sakes."
On any given day, the characters on OLTL will break the majority of the Ten Commandments, but they
never, ever, take the name of the Lord in vain. Swearing on soap has its own peculiar set of guidelines. "Bitch," as
one might imagine, is a word with a lot of potential. The writers try to slip it in whenever possible.
"Most of the time, though, network changes it to `witch.'" sighs Peggy O'Shea.
The week Diane killed Matron Sptiz and her hit man, actress Mary Word claims to have been called a witch
thirteen times. "I was beginning to feel like I was in The Crucible," she says.
Because of network amendments and extensive changes from actors and directors, scripts at the beginning of
the day often have little resemblance to what is seen on TV. This can lead to confusion. A cameraman becomes
exasperated during today's taping session when he misses a cue because of cuts.
"I thought my cue was `farfetched," he says.
"No, no, no," says a production assistant. "That was cut a long time ago. It's now Allison Perkins's
hit-and-run accident."
Actors will actually fight for cuts, which seems odd until your realize how much dialogue they are learning
each day. Or trying to learn.
When actor Clint Ritchie (Clint, husband of Viki) tries to explain just why he was giving that
quizzical look into the middle distance, he says, "You see, I'm looking ..."
"...anywhere there's a PrompTer," snaps actor Phil Carey.
A kinder interpretation would be that Ritchie was simply demonstrating "bad smell" acting. When a soap
actor can't be sure whether to look happy or sad, one solution is to imagine smelling something ghastly and then
stare pensively off into space. Ritchie, who made his TV debut as a calvary lieutenant on horseback in The Wild
Wild West, appears to have an exceedingly sensitive nose.
But Ritchie's aren't the only eyes that linger lovingly on the PrompTer. Phil Carey (Asa, father of Clint,
grandfather of Cord) has almost 40 pages of script today, most of which he can't keep straight. Carey has had a
long acting career. An imposing, sixtyish man (he's six-feet-four), he's been in movies (inlcuing John Ford's
Long Gray Line), prime-time TV, and summer stock. But soap, says Carey, is the worst grind of the lot.
"It's unconscionable how hard we have to work," he gripes.
Carey's also fed up with the character of Asa, who has gone through a radical transformation in the last few
years. Asa began as a no-good wheeler-dealer. These days, he's spending most of his energy trying to win back the
woman he tricked into a bigamous marriage.
"All this wife and kid stuff, it makes me sick. I hate it," says Carey. "I miss the bad things." When I ask
Carey what was the worst thing his character did, he looks extremely tired. "I don't know," he says. "I've been on
this show seven years. I've done a lot."
Murder?
"Hell, I don't know. I suppose so. My first wife, I can't remember what I did with her. Maybe I killed her. I
don't know. I've had five wives. It's been a long time," Carey says and wanders off in search of a cigarette.
Carey isn't being glib. When I read recent Soap Opera Digest synopses of OLTL, there were
characters I'd never even heard of. It's easy to see how Carey could be hazy on the fate of a wife of seven years
ago.
No wonder a whole depatment at OLTL is devoted to sorting out this confusion: Continuity and Research
keeps computerized files on all the characters and events in Llanview. And the department's three researchers also
serve as unofficial medical advisers. On a typical day in C and R, writers will pop in to ask, "Is it possible to
suffocate in an elevator?" (It isn't.) In a recent storyline, two people were locked in a meat freezer. This, however,
didn't entail too much work for C and R.
"We've locked people in meat freezers before," researcher Margie Jacobs explains, "so there was already a
whole file on hypothermia."
Day four. Clint is beginning to wonder if Viki lied to him. And while Diane poisons her hit man, Cassie
continues to try to convine Dorian that Diane may not be all that she seems. (In a clever bit of self-parody, the
writers have Cassie say to Dorian, "Mom, I thought we'd been through this before.")
"Oh Jon," cries Cassie to her mother's lover when she sees Diane at a party being held in Dorian's honor.
"What could be worse than a murderer at my mother's luncheon?"
Well, for starters, Cassie and Jon will begin messing around behind Dorian's back next week.
"I'm kinda worried about it," actress Holly Gagnier (Cassie), a bouncy young brunette, confesses. "I'm
hoping Jon'll be the pursuer. I mean, your own mom's boyfriend and all."
Despite two years on Days of Our Lives, Gagnier still seems appallings innocent about the realities of
soap. Actually, she should be quite grateful for her new storyline. It may well save her from becoming a Coffee
Cup.
"This disembodied hand pouring coffee" is how a writer describes such a character. So far, Cassie exists to
tell everyone that Diane's not what she seems. Being a Coffee Cup is a terrible fate for a soap actor. Coffee Cups
will announce in the pages of Soap Opera Digest what roles they really should be playing. (One
actress feels she'd be a far better Scarlett than Vivien Leigh ever was.) They'll describe things they'd really
like their characters to do. They'll complain about stupid storylines.
This behavior can have serious consequences. When an OLTL Coffee Cup went public last year with the
news that he was tired of having a slight storyline, he suddenly had no storyline at alml.
"I mean, I know it happens and all," Holly Gagnier continues. "But it's kinda weird. I can just imagine the
letters I'm going to get."
Fan letters are given serious attention in soapland. All the actors get them. Lots of them (Tina gets an
average of 200 a week). And the majority of writers, not just an occasional fruitcake, treat the show's events as
gospel truth. Mail to Cassie generally consists of warnings that Diane is not all that she seems.
A typical letter reads in part, "Diane listens in on your conversations. And your jewelry that's missing - she
has everything to do with it. Can't you guess??? I hate her for everything she has done to your mother ... Lucky
you have Jon to help you ... Cassie, expose her for the person she is - a conniving witch, a greedy one at that ... Go
Get Her."
The show's writers get letters as well, "An extraordinary number feel compelled to write us on toilet paper,"
says O'Shea. Many are taunting missives from spies in OLTL's midst. "We'll get letters telling us entire plot lines
that we're about to do," says O'Shea. "I don't know if there are informers or if people go through our scrap heap.
When Maria [Cord's mother] came to Llanview, we got a letter saying, `How dare you bring this woman into town
to break up Viki and Clint's marriage,' Now, that's precisely what we were planning to do, but all we'd done
so far was introduce her as Cord's mother. It's unnerving.
Viewers aren't the only ones who long to uncover long-term plot developments. Actors seldom know from
week to weeks what their characters may do next. This is deliberate: If an actor finds out an exciting story is being
built around him, he may try to negotiate a better contract. Because the majority of contracts are up for
renegotiation every thirteen weeks, soap actors are always anxiously looking for signs that they're not about to die
in a hit-and-run accident (or get married - which, according to Peggy O'Shea, can be even more deadly.)
An elaborate system of gossip and innuendo is the result. One day by the coffee machine, BarBara Luna
(Maria), a tiny dark-haired actress born to play the Other Woman, pries information out of an informer.
"So Clint and Maria really get to kiss in March?" she quietly asks.
"And Asa catches you," says the informer.
"No!"
The informer nods.
"Does Clint make the move on me?" asks Luna.
"Noooo, you know you make all the moves. You just caught Clint at a vulnerable moment.
He's missing Viki - that's all. He doesn't really love you."
"That settles it," says Luna. "I'm kissing with my mouth closed."
Some actors rely on the sound room for information, since music can be a telling indicator that a character
isn't about to be bumped off. Though there are close to 1,000 pieces of music, only a handful of characters have
their own themes. Most music is generic. "Dripping water, dragging body" music, for instance.
"I tend to use this when people are lying," says music director Jonathan Rigg as he plays a discordant tune.
OLTL has music for almost any conceivable situation, but Tina is one of the lucky few with a theme of her own.
"Moans, sighs, persistent pulse" is how it's described in the music book.
Viki has a series for neurological problems alone ("Blurred Vision 1, 2 and 3"), but commissioning a new
piece of music is simply too expensive - $4,000 on average - to waste on a fly-by-night killer.
Building a new set is an even bigger investment - $50,000 on average without furniture and props. In fact,
many sets, especially those that plunge into the realm of silliness, are later recycled to save money: The Bella Vista
Ranch used to be a Gothic horror house, and before that a Venetian palazzo.
So getting a new set designed around you is quite a coup for a soap character. The fact that "Heaven" - don't
even ask what the storylin for that one's about - is being created solely for Viki and her brain tumor is a
pretty good indication that she'll pull a Lazarus.
So is getting a new wardrobe - especially since most costumes are bought at such stores as Gucci and the
Armani boutique on Madison Avenue.
"If we've heard there's a good storyline for a character coming up," says costume designer Lee Austin, "we'll
take them on a shopping spree and fill a closet." When Viki developed a split personality, she got two closets.
All in all, production expenditure indicates volumes about future storylines. "If you see sketches for a new
set labeled 'Max and Delila's Bedroom,' then you know something's up," says one actor during a lunch break.
"Max and Delila?" The table breaks into excited buzzing. Delila is currently a Coffee Cup, so this is
major news.
"No, that was just an example," the actor says.
"Well, actually," says actor James DePaiva (Max, Tina's lover - sort of), and everyone's ears prick up.
DePaiva, 29, who walks with a swagger and wears his hair just a little too long, used to be a professional musician.
This is his first major soap role.
"I went to Costumes the other day and asked if I could stop wearing cowboy boots with heels," DePaiva says.
"Being that I'm already so much taller than Tina. And they said, `No. You'll soon need every inch you've got.' So I
must be doing something with Delila." (The actress playing Delila is the tallest woman in the cast.)
"You must be real broken up about Tina," John Loprieno (Cord, Tina's husband) says snidely.
Tina dies next week. Sort of. Andrea Evans's contract stipulated an eight-week vacation, so Tina's going
over the Iguazu Falls in a raft. Friendly Indians will nurse her back to health. A two-week vacation, like the one
Erika Slezak (Viki) is on right now, only warrants a trip to New York for brain-tumor tests.
"I thought you were supposed to be in love with Tina," says Marcia Cross (Kate).
That, in fact, was one of the writers' arguments against pairing up Max and Delila. "We have seen Max
deeply in love with Tina."
"Tina's dead," says Paul Rauch.
"Paul, she'll only be dead a week."
"What do you care?" asks Rauch. "Let's not take this opportunist and make him into a saint."
Which is what Marcia Cross and John Loprieno are afraid their characters are being made into. Kate and
Cord aren't Coffee Cups. But they're something almost as deadly: They're Too Good to Be True. No matter what
Tina does, Cord forgives her. And Kate never stops being supportive.
Loprieno, a curly-haired 29-year-old, really is too good to be true. He's excited about his work (he was fired
from Search for Tomorrow right before this job) and actually answers all his fan letters without laughing.
And Cross, a 25-year-old Brenda Starr look-alike, never makes nasty soap jokes - even though she's an alumna of
Julliard and Williamstown summer theater. But both Loprieno and Corss agree that they're tired of being
good.
"I don't get to do anything fun," Cross says glumly. "Cord still loves Tina. I just know it. And so does Max.
I'm tired of hanging around guys who are in love with Tina. I'm tired of being supportive and nice."
Complaints about scripts are common. "My greatest joy comes from actors who forget there's an open mike
on set," says Peggy O'Shea. "I'll hear them saying, `I don't know why they pay the writers to write this shit.' And
I'll think. Oh .. .you're gonna pay for that. Just wait till you get a headache that won't go away.
Just wait till your left arm begins to go numb. It's a four-month coma for you."
And then she smiles.
Day five. Clint is trying to establish beyond a resonable doubt that Viki lied to him. Cord is still looking for
Tina. Kate is still being supportive. Diane is still poisoning her hit man. And Dorian is about to discover that Diane
is not all that she seems.
"Why do I have to say all this stuff?" asks actress Mary Ward (Diane), who then recites parrotlike:
"What I'm going to do is get out of here with all the jewelry, stash the stuff, then return to Dorian's party.
And when Dorian comes home later, she'll find you dead on the floor. Meanwhile, I'll have an alibi..."
"I mean, I know it's for the audience and all, but why should I be telling all my plans to a guy I'm
killing?" Ward asks. "What's my motivation?"
"Sweetheart, you're a nice killer girl," director David Pressman suggests. "You'd like him to know
what's going on before he dies."
Dorian makes her entrance, the two woman confront each other, and Diane finally confesses that she's not all
that she seems.
It's taken six months for her to spill the beans. Cassie and Jon risked their lives investigating Diane's past.
Matron Spitz was killed before she could tell the truth. Diane's hit man is about to die for the same reason. So
what is Diane's secret?
"I was a cocktail waitress at a casino in Atlantic City," she says.
Robin Strasser (Dorian) is incredulous. "I kept thinking, `Oh, goody, we're going to be able to get into child
abuse, maybe some incest.' That's just my taste," she says. "And instead, she's a cocktail waitress? I only
hope it's a euphemism."
There's a perfectly good reason, though, why Diane didn't get a gorier past. "Why waste it?" says writer
Peggy O'Shea. "We don't like to give back story to people who we know are going to die. Really die, that is. Not
just put in the bank. Anyone who goes down in a plane or is drowned at sea is fair game for bringing back at some
point. When you pitch someone out the window, they're gone for good."
Diane continues her confession at a hysterical pitch. "And then Jamie made me help him escape from prison
the day he was being transferred. When he shot a cop and you were out of town, remember?"
"No, I don't," mutters Strasser, "but hum a few more bars and I'll fake it."
Diane pulls out a .357 Magnum. "I've adored you and idolized you," she says. "Now, don't make me shoot
you."
It's time for the stunt coordinator. All scenes involving a gun on OLTL are alwalys carefully choreographed.
"Remember, no aiming above the shoulders," J. Allen Suddeth, the stunt coordinator, calls out. Another network
peculiarity is that guns can be pointed at people's abdoments or hearts, but never, ever at their heads. And no one
can die with his eyes open.
The gun goes off.
"Is anyone having an out-of-body experience today?" asks a production assistant as she checks off items on
the day's itinerary.
Day six. Tina's been kidnapped (not even Continuity and Research is sure how many times this makes). Cord
and Max have joined forces to look for her, along with Kate, who continues to be supportive. And Cassie discovers
that Dorian finally realizes Diane is not all that she seems.
Today is a big day for actress Mary Ward (Diane). After Diane and Dorian struggle for the gun, Diane will
slip and fall through the window. To celebrate Ward's death leap (the stuntwoman's, actually), they've dressed her
in a flowing red gown.
"That's a great dress," says director Peter Miner. Everyone agrees that Ward has never looked prettier.
"Too bad we're killing her," says Miner.
This is Mary Ward's first soap. It may also be her last. When Ward turned down a contract renewal because
she wanted to pursue a career in the movies, several people at OLTL quietly referred to her as an artiste.
"I guess soap's not good enough for her," sniffed one actress.
But even though she's a deserter, Ward is well liked. And so, when the stuntwoman goes through the sugar-
glass window, everyone applauds.
"You're just a body now," Peter Miner says affectionately to Mary Ward.
"You don't get to be in the hospital?" asks makeup artist Renate Long. "Just a day or two in a coma?"
"No," Ward says wistfully. "My contract's up. I died on the pavement."
"We'll miss you," says Peter Miner, giving Ward a big hug. "Maybe we'll bring you back in flashback - how
would that be?"
The undead concept may not have been invented on soap, but it might as well have been. When I look at
OLTL's calendar of events (Continuity and Research has chronicled all that happened in Llanviw on any given day),
I discover that on the same day in February, Viki is tried for the murder of a convict and the convict is realsed from
jail. Four years later.
Day seven. Dorian is spreading the word that Diane wasn't all that she seemed. Max, Kate and Cord are still
looking for Tina. And Tina's kidnappers struggle over a gun.
"Is this your last day?" director Henry Kaplan asks the actor playing a kidnapper.
"No, I just get shot today," he says. "Tomorrow I die. And Wednesday I'm a body."
Today is also the day that I'm an extra in Barry's Bar and Grill, scene of Dorian's luncheon. It's a remarkably
boring job, consisting chiefly of eight hours of sitting. Because none of us are to be nuns or nurses (the extra's job
of choice), we're wearing our own clothes. One young woman, apparently determined to be seen or die, wears a
rhinestone-studded harness around her midriff.
There isn't much room for creative expression. All we do is march back and forth across the room and mime
talking. We can't even whisper - it will destroy the illusion of the soundtrack, we're told.
And even if you were to do great miming, I later discover, the most likely portion of your body to focus on is
your abdomen. The woman with the harness clearly has the right idea.
The most entertaining scenes revolve around the kids. Viki and Clint's children are spending a morning with
their grandfather Asa ("God, I hate all this kid stuff," actor Phil Carey grumbles as he moves onto the set). Baby
Sammi (an embryo transplant - don't ask) puts in an appearance as well.
Rules governing the use of children on soaps are fairly strict. No babies under three months can be used.
("We'll use premies to get around that," explains Annamarie Kostura, the casting director.) And the babies must
always be accompanied by an adult. When it comes time for Baby Sammi to perform, a call is made on the
intercom: "Bring on the baby." Out she comes, clasped by a beaming blonde in spike heels who's been poured into
a black leather miniskirt.
"Our favorite nurse!" cheers the crew.
The baby is a television natural, deftly upstaging her TV parents. She's one of the best babies this show has
ever had. Babies generally don't last very long in soap.
"We once had this terrific eighteen-month-old," says Annamarie Kostura. "And then one day, Phil Carey
screamed at the kid. I don't know why - he just did. And after that, as soon as the kid saw him, he'd start howling.
The kid was never the same. So we fired him."
Tempers can run short with child actors. Today, one of Viki and Clint's children pertly contradicts Asa with
the line "Grandpa, you always say, 'No risk, no profit.'"
Asa is supposed to respond with a jovial "Well, maybe I say it from time to time, but in this case ..." Instead,
Phil Carey simply snarls, "Oh, shut up."
No one notices. They're too absorbed by the fact that three sets down, one of the kidnappers has slipped and
referred to Cord as "Tina's damned husband."
"What should he call him?" a production assistant asks, pencil ready to amend the script.
Impotent husband? Abusive husband? Adulterous husband? These are several of the suggestions from the
floor. Any would pass muster with network standards.
"I wish I could be an adulterous husband," John Loprieno (Cord) says. "Fat chance," says actor James DePavia (Max). "You and Kate are bucking for sainthood."
"I'm tired of being supportive," Marcia Cross (Kate) whines to me. "You're a writer, Ellen. What
would you do to save me?"
It's just the chance I've been waiting for.
"A new girl comes to town," I say. "She's an old friend of yours from college, another strong-minded career
woman. Actually, she's a reporter."
"You," says Cross, and I nod.
"Now that Tina's dead, you confide in her, you think you finally have a chance with Cord. What you don't
realize is, your friend and Cord are falling in love behind your back."
"Oh, great, I'm left in the dust again," she says.
"No, wait, it gets better. Once you discover what's really going on, do you confront the artful little
minx with what she's done? No. You're too much of a woman. You suffer in silence. Sort of. And then, just
when you're at your most vulnerable, an old crony of Tina's kidnappers shows up. A convicted felon and devilishly
attractive. He treats you like dirt. You fall for him like a ton of bricks."
Cross's eyes widen. "Go on," she breathes.
"Basically, he's a low-down, good-for-nothing skunk and you know it. But you can't help yourself. You hate
him and yet you love him. You're a woman possessed."
