Top Ten Signs Gabrielle Has Been in Your House

From the Home Office in the basement of the Acropolis in Athens....

10. Cookbook now includes a recipe for nutbread.
9. Note on fridge reads, "Thanks for the Cherries, G!"
8. 8-Minute Abs has mysteriously appeared in your video collection.
7. Your hidden stash of henbane is gone.
6. There is a number six, but only if the propery sum of money is offered will it be revealed.
5. All your green sports bras lay scattered around your bedroom floor.
4. A box of Nice and Easy #41: Strawberry Blond has appeared in your household trash.
3. Your chat handle has been changed to "AmazonQueen#1."
2. Your brother is found dead on the kitchen floor (Gabrielle's bad luck with men strikes again!!!).
And the number one sign Gabrielle has been in your house.....
1. All your food....GONE.

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Top Ten Signs Xena Has Gone Insane

10. Refers to Ares as "that cute guy with the beard and big sword."
9. In the middle of a fight throws down her sword and announces, "wait, I just broke a nail."
8. Decides on a new warbrobe that consists of red leather boots, golden lasso and crown.
7. Starts to refer to Casear...Julius Casear as "the one that got away."
6. There is a number six, but would you want Xena after you...I don't think so.
5. Begins to believe that she hears dramatic music everytime she starts to talk about her warlord past.
4. Sits catatonic for hours on end without saying a word...wait, that's a sign Gabrielle has gone insane.
3. Decides not to save a troubled village because she is having a bad hair day.
2. Decides to give up the warrior biz and become the sixth Spice Girl.
And the number one sign Xena has gone insane....
1. Trades in her chakram and sword for a whip and some handcuffs and starts charging by the hour.

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Top Ten Signs You are an Obsessed Xena Fan

10. Due to the massive amount of candles, your Lucy Lawless shrine can be seen from ten miles away.
9. you practice your fire-breathing skills at a local bar and are banned for life.
8. your house has become the ultimate Xena shrine complete with a "war cry" doorbell.
7. you've listened to your Xena Soundtrack so many times, you can sing the Burial Song...backwards.
6. Every obsessed Xena fan knows there is never a number six.
5. you've begun secret experiments in your basement to clone Lucy Lawless.
4. you decide to have your name officially changed to "Hard Core Nutball."
3. in your college term paper on Roman Civilzation, you refrer to Caesar as "that double-crossing, skirt wearing bastard."
2. you spend all your spare time thinking about clever, witty ideas for Xena Related Top Ten lists (okay, this one is kinda personal).
And the number one sign you are an obsessed Xena fan....
1. begin to believe that with enough practice you too can defy the laws of physics.

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Top Ten Things Overheard at the Burbank Con '98

10. "If you say "I have many skills" one more time I will have to beat you."
9. "Hey, your sword is bigger than mine."
8. "What do you mean there's no nut in nutbread?"
7. "Rob Who?"
6. If there was a number six...Creation will have to sue so...
5. "If I have to sit here one more minute..."
4. "Xena and the Bonic Woman in a steel-caged, battle to the death...who will win?"
3. "So that's what Sharon looks like."
2. "This leather is giving me the worst rash."
And the number on thing overheard at the Burbank Con....
1. "I'd love to be the one who polishes Hudson's Outfit."

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Top Ten Rejected Xena Merchandise Items.

10. The Joxer the Mighty Mega-Mix..."Illusia" and "Wench" versions included, plus bonus CD track..."Gabby/Joxer Duet"
9. Callisto's Complete Guide to Disemberment... find out trade secrets like...how to kill someone with just one thrust and not get any blood on your sword...you'll find out.
8. The Handy-Dandy Lao Ma Hair Care System complete with multi-purpose Hair Pins...Have a hair style to die for...literally.
7. Ares's Guide to Getting Her Back...Full proof system that works for any guy who just can't get that one special lady...sorry no money back guarantee...restrictions apply...may not work all the time.
6. Will you ever learn?
5. Gabrielle's Child ID braclet...If you wanna be sure the child you just found is the child you sent down the river, don't rely on some wooden lamb...attach one of these to your little ones wrist and you'll always know if the child of Dahok has come knockin' on your door.
4. The Xena and Gabrielle Approved Bedroll...cozy, comfy sleeping conditions for you and your "travelling companion"...comes in "sisters," "friend," and "extra-best friend" models...fluffy throw pillows optional.
3. The Subtext Detector...the perfect gift for any Xena fan who rejoices when these moments are coming and for those who want to run screaming from the room.
2. Xena's Mud Bath in a Jar...gets skin silky smooth and is also perfect for those covert assasination missions when you want to gain access to a heavily guarded palace...also comes in sensitive and dry skin formulas.
And the number one rejected Xena Merchandise Item...
1. The Gabrielle Soap-on-a-rope...for those times you just wanna drag...drag...drag the dirt off your body.

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Top Ten Rejected Titles for the show Xena: Warrior Princess

10. Amphipolis 00001
9. I Love Lucy
8. Bonanxena
7. Hercules' Chick
6. Have Chakram, Will Cut Your Head Off
5. Dahak's Playhouse
4. Don Juan Joxer
3. She-Ra My Ass
2. Xena: Resurrected...Again...and Again
1. Gabrielle's Warrior Princess

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Top Ten Things Xena and Gabrielle might say while watching the Bitter Suite:

10. Xena: "Have Joxer and Ephiny ever even met?"
9. Xena: "Gabrielle, you should wear that toga more often."
8. Gabrielle: "So NOW you start listening to Ares?!"
7. Xena: "Uh-oh. I better send Ephiny a 'Get Well Soon' card."
6. Gabrielle comentating: "Now don't you-Oh!(cringe)-think that that-Ah!-rope drag-Eeck!-thing was just a little-Ouch!-over the top?-(cringe)Ow!-Oh!-Oooo...now that one hurt-Geesh! Oh now THAT was uncalled for!!"
5. Xena: "Gabrielle, I swear I was unconscious at the time. I had no choice in the matter. I didn't WANT Callisto to kiss me!...now that lap dance on the other hand...
4. Gabrielle: "What did they do to my hair?! Is this some kind of sick punishment for saving Hope, is that why I have HER hair all of a sudden?"
3. Xena: "Hey, don't complain about your hair, at least you didn't have to wear two ugly hats. They wouldn't let me throw that second one off."
2. Xena: "That Julie Moran is down-right distracting."
Gabrielle: "Tell me about it."
1. Gabrielle: "Did you see Kraftstar's head blow off?"

Top Ten ways TPTB can quick fix any storyline from Season 3!

10) Time Travel! Whether it is with that green stone or by a god, it is a quick way to solve any problem....or create more, depending on how you look at it.
9) It's all been a dream!! Wouldn't it be a kicker if this entire rift had been a dream? Maybe some people would like that?
8) Blame Dahak! Pesky storyline problems? Blame the all-powerful evil God! "It was HIS fault!!!!" and point finger.
7) Pod People are taking over the xenverse! Is someone acting out of character? It must be those pod people that have been rumored to be the cause of distruction for a while now. They have come down from outer space and taken over our beloved character's bodies. And who is responsible for the pods?? Dahak of course!!!! (See quick fix #8)
6) The fans made us do it! Why is Joxer signed for 11...22 episodes??? Thefans of course! We all know that EVERYONE wants more Joxer. No you say? Well, you obviously aren't talking to the same fans that TPTB are talking to (ie: little boy & the maid).
5) Xena has split personalities! One minute she's gentle and loving, the next she is dragging the "most important thing in the world to her" from behind a horse. Any psychiatrist can tell you what's wrong, isn't it obvious? (BTW, her other personality's name is Sunshine).
4) Cramps/PMS!!! Look, these ladies are living in Ancient Greece. They have no modern disposable napkins or tampons PLUS no asprin for those painful cramps. I know I'd act like a maniac without these necessities. With this in mind I don't think TPTB have really strayed far from their characters.
3) The Gods are behind it! Ares is always in Xena's business, and Aphrodite doesn't seem adverse to placing annoying spells on our girls. They are the reasons things have gotten so hectic. Just think about it-how many time have Xena or Gabrielle been naked this season? I think we all know who's behind that....Areeesssss.
2) The writers are addicted to drugs! TPTB have been hiding it, but they cannot stay silent anymore. The writers have been usuing several uppers and downers for a while now and it has been effecting their work severely. The entire land of Illusia was created by Sears when he was having a massive trip!!!
And the number one way TPTB can fix any third season storyline....
1) The redshirts are working from the other side! We all know that the dead can hear our thoughts. Well, Marcus, Perdicus, and quite a few other spurned men have been hearing Xena and Gabrielle's thoughts alright, and they are none to happy that they have not heard their names mentioned for over a season now. As revenge they have orchestrated the entire rift from the Ellysian Fields themselves. Consequently they have lost their hero status and are now basking in the heat of Tartarus.

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Guest Author
Rebekah Top Ten Signs You Have A Xena Complex...

10) When you toss your head you hear whooshing noises.
9) You wear a metal bra(even if you're a guy).
8) You consider polishing swords and fishing perfect leisure activities.
7) You spend all of your time trying to find a best friend who is blond,persuasive, an Amazon queen...
6) You wish there was a number six.
5) No one will play frisbee with you because instead of throwing it to them you try to ricochet it off a few things first...
4) You painted a sawhorse gold and named it Argo.
3) Your favorite material is leather(the darker the better)
2) When you're asleep instead of snoring you do the battle cry(zzz-yiyiyiyi-zzz)
And the Number one sign you have a Xena Complex
1) You sneak around poking people in the neck and saying "I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain...

Top Ten signs Xena's been in your house

10. There's a flying parchment caught in your tree.
9. There's a flock of guys at your house looking for "the hot chick in the leather."
8. "Caeser sucks!" is spray-painted on your walls (well, you could have done that yourself).
7. Your Callisto action figure is looking a little under the weather...
6. Boo hoo, no six!
5. There's an empty can of sword polish on the floor.
4. Your most annoying sibling is in the hospital with a "chakram wound to the head."
3. Your leather conditioner, fish hooks, Band-aids, and carving knives have all mysteriously disappeared.
2. Your fridge is empty except for a note that says "Sorry, Gab eats like a pig".
And the number one sign Xena's been in your house...
1. When you left the door was locked, when you came back the door was sawdust.

Top Ten Things A Hard-Core Xenite Would Do If They Met Lucy Or Renee.

10) Set the world record for saying OH MY GOD!! the most times in a row.
9) Start shaking so hard they become a blur.
8) Scream so loud all the glass within 5 miles shatters.
7) Go so berzerk that some one has to call the police, paramedics, national guard...
6) Lucy and Renee are glad there's no six.
5) Start bowing, chanting, and kissing the exalted gals feet.(we're not worthy...)
4) Transform into a pile of jello.
3) Collapse into her arms(are you really unconscious? hmmm...)
2) Have a nervous breakdown and end up payimg therapy bills all their life.
And the number one thing a HCNB would do if they met Lucy or Renee.....
1) Pinch themself black and blue because "I am so dreaming this"

Ten More Signs You Have A Xena Complex:

10) You refuse to fly a kite that isn't 100% parchment.
9) You always have at least one dagger hidden on you.
8) You say "I have many skills" at least once a day.
7) You named your punching bag "Caeser, Julius Caeser"
6) You really wish there was a six.
5) At the end of all your dreams there's a disclaimer
4) The only reason you ever order a Caeser salad is so you can mutilate it with a fork and knife, laugh a while, and throw it away.(HaHa!)
3)You sued the publishers of Ancient History of Greece because there was no mention of Xena in it.
2) You moved to New Zealand so you could stalk the entire cast of Xena.
And the number one sign that you have a Xena complex...
1)You go trick or treating until you're 80 just so you have an excuse to dress up as Xena in public.(but who needs an excuse)

Top Ten Special Skills Gab Has:
10) Getting men killed(hey she should start dating Caesar)
9) Color changing hair (blond...red...ash blond 32...?)
8) Cloning (hey, Hope was just a little too identical)
7) Inventing strange accents (Myopia, Marquessa...)
6) What is it with no six?
5) Getting poisoned, stabbed, kidnapped , etc.(is this a skill?...well it makes for a good Xena-kick-booty rescue)
4) Losing more and more clothing as the show progresses(let's just hope it stops here)
3) Eating anything and everything(squid anyone?)
2) By day Gabrielle a mild-mannered sidekick, by night...Batgirl...just kidding!
1) Driving Xena crazy in more ways than one( ooh, ooh I think that was subtext!)