Batman and Robin

Batman and Robin (1997), directed by Joel Schumacher

I'm not that different from the average moviegoer, am I? I'm able to suspend my disbelief with the best of them. Sure, ID4 was dopey, but it was a lot of fun, too. Heck, I even liked The Fifth Element. I'm not terribly demanding. But Batman and Robin is too much for me. This is a movie that cares not one whit for people or for ideas: this movie is perfectly characterized by the batsuits. There may be a human underneath all the armor, but it probably doesn't matter.

Yes, this film, like the previous three, is set in an absurdly gothic world. Just about every set is eye-poppingly gorgeous, I must admit. The villains, Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you happen to be living in a cave) and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) are picturesque. There is enough eye candy here for a half-dozen films.

Eye candy only goes so far, however. Unlike the previous movies, this one does not delve into the troubled soul of Bruce Wayne: no darkness here. In this one, Robin rebels against Batman, but since Robin is played by obnoxious prettyboy Chris O'Donnell (let's face it, America: he just can't act), "rebellion" comes off as little more than a hissy fit. The dynamic duo are joined here by Alfred's niece, though why she doesn't have any trace of an English accent is never explained. Nor is it explained how she is so instantly competent a crimefighter? And I don't even want to discuss her batsuit, a pervert's dream come true.

In this one, Batman seems like an idiot. He lures Mr. Freeze out into the open by putting his diamonds on display: yet doesn't he realize that this will result in the deaths of innocent civilians? Thus, not only is this Batman not dark, he's not even a knight. And what kind of self-respecting Batman makes personal appearances? What the @^#! happend to mystique? Sheesh.

Well, enough of that. Let it be said that plot and all human interest are completely lacking. The screenplay is utterly devoid of intelligence. Onto the performances: George Clooney is an inadequate Batman: he's just a generic Hollywood "sexy guy." I don't think that there is anyone in Hollywood who's totally right for the part. I've already mentioned the abomination that is Chris O'Donnell. Alicia Silverstone is quite good as Batgirl, though she appears near the film's beginning, then virtually vanishes until the end: a perilously underwritten role. Elle MacPherson, as Bruce Wayne's girlfriend du jour, displays why models should exercise caution before attempting acting. As Mr. Freeze, Arnold Schwarzenegger is perfectly all right, though his accent seems to be getting stronger as the years go by. Uma Thurman chews up the scenery as Poison Ivy. Nice Mae West impersonation, Uma!

What suggestions can I make to Warner Bros., should they decide to make any more Batman films? Try literacy over flash. How about action scenes that are a tad less manic (it's nice to be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys). Why not base a movie on Frank Miller's graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns? Or give up? Or get Jim Carrey back.