Get your own Free Home PageE.J. Riverside settled herself more comfortably in the passenger seat of the silver-gray Mercedes and began to leisurely contemplate the man sitting beside her. Stanley H. Riverside II, (and she must remember to ask him what the H stood for), her very new ...and rather sudden...husband. "God I must be crazy," she thought, as the last two weeks flashed through her mind.
Was it really less than two weeks ago that she was sitting on the bench outside her office, enjoying a sunshine and chocolate break, and amusing herself by watching the pleasantly attractive man dithering outside her office door? Well, maybe she did cheat just a little by practically challenging him to demand an appointment, but since he so obviously did need a dentist...why not her? Soothing his ruffled feathers took a little time, but after that ... Admittedly it was hard for him to hold a conversation, what with the x-rays, cleaning and drilling she had to do, but somehow he managed it.
What came from him first were mostly surface things, and many of them contradictory. His name, which even she knew spoke of wealth and privilege, contrasted oddly with his chosen profession. Of course doctors often come from moneyed families, but the ones she had met were generally the nine to five types, dermatologists, plastic surgeons to the rich, etc., the ones who golfed on Wednesdays and kept their weekends free.
Chief of Emergency Services at San Francisco Memorial...that was something else entirely. Yes, it was a position of prestige and responsibility, but it also meant long hours, an acute ability for fast diagnostics, endless administrative duties, a high level of stress...in short, Stanley worked damn hard for a living. And he so obviously loved his job. E.J. sighed to herself. Being married to a doctor was bad enough, being a doctor married to a doctor...life was going to require a great deal of strategic planning from now on.
"We'll be there soon." remarked Stanley, and E.J. started as his voice broke in on her reverie. The smile he gave her was sweet, and a little shy, and E.J. smiled in return, thinking back on that shyness. She still couldn't get over the fact that he had been perfectly willing to endure the discomfort and expense of getting all his teeth crowned, just so he could spend time with her...all because he simply couldn't work up the courage to ask her out to dinner! How could she help but fall in love with him? "Are you okay, are you warm enough? " Stanley asked her, his newly familiar voice quiet and deep, but with a strange dark timbre in it, a sound that ran a warm shudder right through her. My God, they were actually married, she thought, husband and wife...and with all that it implied.
E.J. nodded to him in reply, then took a deep breath, and allowed her mind to wander back again...their first date, which wasn't the stuffy dinner she was dreading, but a day of playing hooky, wandering around the city together. What had amazed her about him was that for all the advantages she assumed he had had, there were just so many things he hadn't known or done. Simple things, like strolling through Ghirardelli Square or the wharf, eating a corn dog (and how could he not know what a corn dog was?), enjoying a silly horror movie...having fun. She had to teach him that...how to have fun. She suspected that there was a great deal more she needed to teach him...now that he was hers.
Then again, some things he seemed to know quite well. Of course, come to think of it, they never did see that movie. They had gotten right up to the ticket window, when he had kissed her...unexpectedly, gently but very thoroughly. It had surprised them both, and sent them off arm in arm like teenagers, wandering the city in a happy daze, till they had finally ended up at her apartment E.J. smiled to herself as she recalled how they had spent the rest of their date, cuddled together on her couch, chatting, sipping hot chocolate...and necking up a storm. God, she had never met a man who liked to kiss as much as Stanley did...and not as a prelude to something else...just kissing for the pure pleasure and joy of it.
But underneath that almost boyish enthusiasm she had sensed other, darker things...an aching loneliness and an almost hopeless search for acceptance. She soon realized that she had never known anyone who so desperately needed to be loved...and needed her...as much as he did. She had shocked herself by almost asking him to stay the night, she who had always been so cautious, so careful. But some instinct had stopped her, and she was glad that it had. She somehow knew that he would have refused her...not through lack of desire, that was obviously there, she simply sensed that he was even more cautious than she.
On impulse the next day she had sent him flowers...a silly thing to do...but she felt he needed some silliness in his life. And then she waited...one day...two days...three...and nothing. No word, no calls, she didn't know whether to be hurt or angry or concerned. She didn't understand...she knew he was attracted to her, for all his vacillating between enthusiasm and hesitancy, he had been fairly obvious. And she suspected his feelings went even deeper than that. She knew her own did. So what the hell was wrong with him?
Finally her frustration had driven her to do something she should have been terribly ashamed of-but wasn't-calling him about a possible abscess she had missed (which of course he didn't have). Well, she had to do something! Safely in her chair, his mouth stuffed with cotton, she could finally get some answers. They liked each other...they both more than liked each other...why was he avoiding her? The simplicity of his answer was stunning...he was in love with her...and he was scared.
E.J. couldn't believe it, if he loved her, why was he avoiding her? What was he scared of? His reply sent her running from the building in shock...he needed time to decide whether or not to marry her! Marriage? After three dental appointments and an all day date he wanted a lifetime? He was crazy...wasn't he? God, people must have assumed we were demented, she thought, as she had run from the building with Stanley chasing her, alternately apologizing and cajoling. She couldn't believe it...he meant it...he loved her, and wanted to marry her. Just like that. Without really knowing anything about her...not even what the initials E.J. stood for! She had spent the next few minutes desperately trying to talk some sense into him...rationally pointing out what little they had in common, all the important things they didn't know about each other, why it would be crazy for them to even think about marriage.
But she had lost the argument from the start...how could she win when deep down inside she knew she didn't want to...because she was in love with him too.
And so they were engaged to be married...in one week's time...all because his dad was going on a round the world cruise, and he really couldn't get married without dad, now could he? E.J. suspected that she would never in her life dislike anyone more intensely, before she had ever met him, than Stanley Sr., and meeting him hadn't changed her opinion. He was the most arrogant, self-centered, thoroughly reprehensible man she had ever met...and she suspected that her Stanley's less endearing qualities, along with his laundry list of phobias, complexes, etc., were thanks to dear old "Dad". Oh well, thought E.J., who wants a man to be perfect...doesn't give you anywhere to go with him.
She grinned as she reached over to give his hand on the steering wheel a squeeze. Stanley smiled down at her rather tiredly and said "I hope you'll like the place we're going to, it's very quiet".
"I'm sure it will be fine", E.J. assured him as her thoughts went back to the last few crowded days. They both had agreed on a short(of necessity), quiet honeymoon, but it had seemed they couldn't agree on anything about the wedding...she wanted a suit and a few close friends, he planning on an army of attendants and seating for 300. The fact that they couldn't see eye to eye about anything concerning the ceremony started to frighten her...if they couldn't agree about the wedding, what chance would their marriage have?
And on top of it all, he was working on some complicated project for the hospital, which was obviously taking more time and energy from him than he had to spare. E.J. had sat, vaguely disbelieving, as he had read to her the speech he was to deliver at the symposium ...all about the hospital and nuclear preparedness ...it had been all right as speeches went...but there had been something about the words, the ideas, that had disturbed her. Were they really his? He had answered her question readily enough, and at the same time confirmed her suspicion...the project was "Dad's" idea.
At that point something inside of E.J. snapped...how could she be committing herself to this man when she had no real idea who he was, what he thought and felt, what his motives and commitments were. And worst of all he couldn't seem to understand the reason for her hesitance. They had had to part before anything could be settled, he back to the hospital, her to her patients, and she had spent the rest of the afternoon and evening thinking very hard about what she needed to do.
Time...what she needed was time...to poke and dig under all those brittle, protective layers he wore, to find the man underneath, and learn if he truly was the one she wanted to share a home, a bed, a life with. She went to the symposium that night, armed with an ultimatum for him, give her the time she needed, or no matter how painful, she would walk away.
She had arrived at the hospital late, just in time for Stanley's presentation, and the obvious change in him had shocked her. Gone was the confidence, and the almost innocent arrogance of that afternoon. He looked pale and strained, and seemed distracted, delivering his so carefully prepared speech with a odd hesitancy, that was obviously bewildering his audience. When he came to the part of the speech about caring for the projected hundreds of thousands of burn victims of a nuclear attack, he suddenly broke off, and in a very different voice, started to speak of one burn victim.
He told of the round-the-clock care the patient had received for seven days; all the medications, supplies and equipment that had been used for his treatment, all the time spent on him by doctors and nurses, and it had all been in vain. At his words "and we still couldn't save him," the pain in Stanley eyes told E.J. all she needed to know. These were not cold, random statistics, this was a patient, his patient, for whom he had fought hard , but had still lost. And the painful loss was obviously forcing him to reassess his own ideas. To admit to being wrong is never easy, but to do it in front of an entire roomful of co-workers and peers...it had taken a great deal of courage, but Stanley had found it in himself, and the passion that had infused his pleas for nuclear sanity had made E.J. almost cry with sorrow and pride for him.
She had driven him back to her apartment (by then he had reached the slightly weaving stage of exhaustion), and after coaxing some food and as large a glass of wine as she could manage into him, and over his rather feeble protests, tucked him into bed. She had settled herself comfortably beside him, and while gently stroking his face and hair, patiently waited for what she was sure would come. Soon the powerful combination of alcohol and exhaustion shattered his defenses and loosened his tongue, and he began to talk to E.J., in a rambling, but very telling way.
He spoke of his worry for his friends, Drs. McIntyre and Gates, who were out of town, and out of touch too many days. Of the grief and guilt he felt for the burn patient McCormick, whom John had left in his care. Stanley had seemed to be the only one that McCormick had trusted enough to open up even slightly to, and in turn , Stanley had vowed to pull him through. But the combination of the patient's terrible burns, and meningitis, had defeated them, and Stanley had never accepted that kind of defeat well. "I'd promised I wouldn't give up on him, EJ", I promised him" Stanley murmured, his voice horse with unshed tears.
Waves of love and compassion had swept through E.J., as all thoughts of ultimatums melted from her. Murmuring gentle words of comfort, she then took him into her arms, holding him closely, his head gently cradled against her breast. There, feeling her love and acceptance, he had finally broken down, crying out his fears and grief, while she had held him tightly against the storm of his tangled emotions.
Later, after the storm had passed, Stanley had quietly spoken of other things, of being brought up amongst wealth and privilege, yet abandoned by his mother, and ignored by his father, unwanted and unloved. Of a childhood spent shuttled between exclusive boarding schools, and equally exclusive summer camps, rarely seeing his busy and ambitious father. Out of sight, and at times literally out of mind.
"He didn't send for me at Christmas one year" murmured Stanley, and the pain in his voice at that memory was obvious. Except for the janitor, he had spent that vacation alone at the school, spending most of his time in the library. He had buried himself in books, in a vain attempt to keep the feelings of abandonment away. "I'd always tried to convince myself that dad did it to make me strong, and independent...I suppose he really just forgot I existed." E.J. felt a surge of anger and hatred toward Stanley Sr. burn through her, and pulled her own Stanley even closer.
Her own. E.J. smiled to herself, "I wonder when that decision was made" she thought. "Stanley", she asked "what made you go into medicine?" Shifting himself till they were face to face and propping himself up one elbow Stanley slowly, as if for the first time began to explain.
" I was born at SFM, and in a way I'd grown up there" Stanley mused. "I had asthma as a child, and with that and other things, grew up rather sickly, so I ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital. Since it was unthinkable that the son of Stanley Riverside should share a room in the children's ward, I was always on an adult floor, in a private room. Which was okay by me, since I was always rather shy and awkward around other kids. Well, when I was sick, I was good and sick, and when I felt a little better, I had my nose in a book. But when I felt pretty good, I poked my nose into everywhere else.
I explored that hospital from roof to subbasements, and they fished me out of some of the oddest places. I got to know every inch of that place, and almost everyone who worked there, at least by sight. God, I must have been a terrible pest, but those people were so patient with me. Some of the doctors especially so.
Dr. O'Koniewski was one, he was big and bluff and had a very loud voice, and he scared me a little at first. But children seem to have a gift for seeing underneath and I soon began to see that he really was a very kind man, as well as a good doctor. When I was ten or eleven I met Dr. Salwen, he was much quieter than Dr. O, and he had a wicked sense of humor. And he seemed to know everything. He knew me...he just seemed to know that I could always cope better with what was happening to me, and what they had to do, if I could understand it. So he went out of his way to explain my illnesses, and my treatments to me in great detail. As I got a little older he started giving me medical books to read, and patiently answered the questions that poured out of me. And I think I frightened him a little by actually understanding what I was reading.
I'm not sure exactly when I decided, but at some point I just knew that if I grew up I..."
"If?" E.J. broke in, rather startled.
Stanley just shrugged, "I'd had rubella and rheumatic fever, with assorted complications, and with the asthma...well a couple times they almost lost me. But they never stopped fighting, and I guess it made me fight too. Then somewhere along the way I decided that I wanted to be the one to cure, and help, and have the answers.
By the time I was in high school, I was doing so well in the sciences, that being a doctor seemed an obtainable dream. But I guess my dad wanted to test me, so I spent my summers as a teen working at the hospital. I did everything, washed bottles in the lab, learned to develop x-rays, made beds, delivered meals, mopped floors and emptied bedpans, you name it. During my breaks I used to sneak into the observation room to watch operations, or sometimes tag after the groups of rounding interns...well I was tall for my age, and with a white coat, who knew?" Stanley flashed her a quick grin "Well okay, they knew, but they always seemed to turn a blind eye.
Then one day I found my way down to the ER, and I knew I was home. I started by trying to be as unobtrusive as I could, but soon I was helping out, bringing patients where they needed to be, keeping the rooms supplied, cleaning up, anything I could think to do to be allowed to stay there. I watched the doctors having to make fast diagnosis, and almost instant decisions about treatments, and never knowing whether the next patient coming through the doors was a broken finger or a red blanket, but coping with whatever came. I just knew that that was the kind of doctor I wanted to be. But I also knew that dad had something more ...glamorous in mind. So I kept my mouth shut during premed and med school, and waited.
When it was time to start thinking about specialties, I guess I openly rebelled for the first time in my life. I had applied for and had been accepted for my final two years at London University, so I packed my bags and ran. It was as far away as I could get and still speak the language. God, I loved it there, I really thought hard about staying. But when the time came for my internship...well I knew I had to come home. And I suppose that hospital is home to me, more than my dad's house ever could be. I came back and did my rotations of course, and then settled in ER.
I can't even begin to describe the horror I felt, being there again, only with educated, adult eyes. The place was a shambles, dangerously understaffed and undersupplied, equipment hopelessly out of date, the board indifferent, and the department chief...well ...he was hopelessly out of date too."
Stanley paused for a moment, as if searching for the right words, and E.J. had a feeling she knew what was coming. "E.J." said Stanley, in a tone of voice that was a plea for understanding, "sometimes I can be...well...not a very nice person, and what I did to Dr. Lemanski, I'm not particularly proud of, but I just didn't have any choice. As long as he was head of that department, nothing was going to change, he wouldn't fight, he wouldn't try, I think he just didn't care anymore. And he constantly blocked anything I tried to do, to him I was an annoying well-connected young upstart who should never the less keep his place...and that was a direct quote. He had to go. And so I made some inquires, dug around for some facts, and finally found enough really...nasty things to use as..."
"Blackmail", EJ prompted.
Stanley nodded slowly. "I gave him an ultimatum, retire, or be fired in disgrace, and the board would have done it too, they would have had to, with what I had found. And it worked, he soon announced his retirement." Stanley took a deep breath and looked EJ squarely in the eyes "I won't try to defend what I did, or how I did it" he said quietly, "but by that time he was at best an indifferent doctor, and, as I found out, an utterly vile person. I can't regret forcing him to leave." EJ had silently nodded in understanding.
Stanley continued: "I immediately applied for the position, but I had no real hope of getting it, I really was too young and inexperienced , but to my shock, they gave it to me. I found out later that they were desperate, no one else wanted the job. And the really ironic thing is that everyone thought I got it because Dad was on the board, when actually he was the only one who voted against me. I tell myself that he did it so he wouldn't be accused of nepotism, but I guess I know that he really just didn't have any faith in me. Well, I don't know that I had that much faith in me either, but I was determined.
I fought and argued and begged the board for more funds, more personnel, new equipment. And what they wouldn't give me I borrowed or stole from other departments. I swore that I would bring the ER up to a level where any patient coming in, no matter how badly off they were, would leave there with a fighting chance of survival, if humanly possible. And I don't accept those defeats easily." Stanley paused, and seeing only understanding in her eyes, let out a long shuddering breath of relief.
"You see, E.J., for the last ten years the hospital has pretty much been my whole life, the few friends I have are there, and I suspect their feelings for me consist mostly of mildly affectionate exasperation. Stanley Riverside, the physician, has always been the best part of me and, I sometimes suspect, the only worthwhile part." When E.J. started to protest Stanley laid gentle fingers on her lips. "Ssh, please let me finish before I lose my courage. My life outside the hospital had almost ceased to exist. I was either working in the ER or at some project connected to the hospital, anything I could do to keep myself busy and try to forget, or ignore, just how lonely I was. There had never been anyone special in my life, it just never happened. And just before I met you I had come to the conclusion that there never would be.
"And then one day I went in search of a dentist, and found a beautiful dark eyed lady who plied me with chocolates and beguiled me into her dentist's chair. And I really think I fell in love with you while you were drilling my teeth. And, E.J., I would have done it, let you crown every tooth in my head, or do brain surgery for that matter, just so I could sit in that chair and listen to you talk, and look in your eyes...because I was just too shy to ask you out." E.J. could not help smiling in remembrance of his shyness, a trait she had found rather endearing in a man of his age and obvious position. Stanley took encouragement from that smile, and paused to gently brush her lips with his before he continued.
"That first day we spent together was to that time the happiest day of my life. I never knew that it was okay to relax, to be silly or frivolous. or to simply have fun...until you showed me how. I already knew I loved you, but I really had no idea how much till that night, when we sat together on your couch, kissing like two feverish sixteen-year-olds. God, E.J., you'll never know how desperately I wanted to make love to you that night, even though I've always been rather... shy... about that too. But even more I just wanted to pull you right inside me, and hold you there...forever. I suppose that's what scared me...I had never felt like that about anyone...and it had happened so quickly. And when you said you loved me too...I almost couldn't believe it. E.J., no one's ever loved me before, not ever...and no one's ever let me love them. I guess that's why I'm rushing us so fast into marriage, dad's cruise is just an excuse...I'm afraid that if you have more time to think, you'll change your mind and run. And I don't know that I'd blame you. But if you need time, E.J., time for us to learn more about each other, time for you to think and consider, or just not to be hurried into something that's supposed to last the rest of our lives, tell me now, and I'll wait."
With those words, and obviously exhausted, Stanley laid his head back down next to hers, with a look of quiet resignation in his eyes. E.J. lay there feeling stunned and not a little confused. She had that very evening planned to demand, in no uncertain terms, the very thing he had just now so humbly offered her...time. Just that afternoon she had said that she didn't know enough about him, the way he thought, or voted, the books he read, and his favorite color. And how trivial all those things seemed in comparison to these last few hours. He had opened his soul to her, and in doing so, had shown her everything he was, what was best and worst in him, the hopes, and fears and dreams he kept hidden beneath the sometimes brittle facades he wore, and hidden most deeply, his quiet, desperate need to love, and be loved. That was the man her heart had seen and loved, long before her mind and common sense had had a chance to catch up.
And yes, there were still things they needed to learn about each other, but then they'd have all the rest of their lives for that. E.J. smiled to herself as she realized that she had already made her decision. Stanley saw that smile, and whispered a question "Eg?"
E.J. replied "Okay Stanley, we'll have the blow-out wedding on Saturday, Gloria said she'd loan me her grandmother's wedding gown, it'll work better than the suit, but after that, the decisions we make, we make together, and for us, not for dad. Is it a deal? The look of startled joy as he nodded agreement stunned E.J., and though she knew that from time to time she'd have to remind him of his promise, as his old habits died slowly, she also knew that he would try.
"All right now Stanley", E.J. said with mock sternness, "kiss me good night and go to sleep, or we'll both be worthless in the morning." Stanley silently moved to comply, pulling her closely into his arms, and kissing her, at first with gentle lightness, then passion, then despite his exhaustion, with a swift, fierce arousal that stunned her into breathlessness. With a reluctant effort, E.J. pulled herself enough away from his kiss and his arms to where she could think clearly. "Stan, this is probably not a good idea" she whispered in apology, "I think we're both just too tired to really appreciate it."
Stanley laid back down with his eyes closed, struggling to calm his breathing and gather his own scattered wits. Moments later he opened his eyes, and smiled tiredly at her "I suppose you're probably right" he said with a hint of amusement in his voice as he brushed her cheek with a gently finger, "Maybe I should go."
"No, don't be silly" E.J. broke in quickly, "you're too exhausted to see straight to drive, you can sleep right here, I'll remove myself".
She started to slide herself away from him when he caught her "Please don't go E.J., please stay"
His voice, soft and imploring almost stopped her, but she shook her head "Stanley" she said bluntly, "do you honestly think I could lay here next to you this night, and not want you?" Her reply made his eyes grow wide but before he could speak, she slid herself away and quickly tucked him back in again. "We have some busy days ahead of us", she said softly. brushing his forehead with her lips, "go to sleep." Stanley nodded and closed his eyes as she moved toward the bedroom door. Once outside the room E.J. collapsed against the door, breathing slowly to steady her pounding heart. It was taking all her strength of will not to open the door... not to return to him, not to...
"E.J. honey, we're here", Stanley's voice broke into her reverie, and she turned to him with a start.
"Let's go in and let them know we've come" Stanley nodded toward the white gingerbread house in front of them. E.J. smiled to herself as she looked around curiously. The graveled drive, shaded by elm and willow trees (hence its name, The Elms), had brought them up beside the small and gloriously Victorian house, surrounded by dark shrubs and bright flowerbeds. The view before her was one of complete serenity, and she smiled up at him as he took her hand.
Due to the short notice of the wedding, neither one of them had been able to arrange the time for a "proper" honeymoon, so they had agreed to make due with a four day weekend. Stanley had made the arrangements with a promise to surprise her, and he had. She didn't know what she had expected, but it certainly wasn't this.
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