THE BEST OF W.C. FIELDS





Don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a
thousand times.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; it's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but i wouldn't want to own one.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him — and it usually does.

Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life .. execpt drink.