The website felt that Brother Theodore would appreciate the futility of having such vital work done by an incompetent.Besides, I was real pushy and kept asking.
I'm hoping that once this appears on The Net, with my pictures and everything, it'll be all the credentials I need to get on VH-1, be the "girl with the latest gossip" on "Access Hollywood" or start working for
Entertainment magazine! Golly, I might even be considered an "expert" and do film or DVD reviews for NY1.
Here goes...
1946
THE STRANGER
This is an Orson Welles movie. Theodore knew Welles, I'm told, and
was not amused when Welles tried to date Theodore's wife. Watta sleazy guy Orson was! Theodore had a good part in the movie 'cause there's an 8x10 photo of him that was made by the movie studio with info about "The Stranger" on the bottom. He once said his part was cut, but maybe he was in briefly asking for a sandwich or something. But nobody's been able to find him at all. (Is this any way to make a screen debut? Only for Theodore!) If any of you know where he is, tell me, ok? Just
write to me
c/o the website. This film is in "public domain" so it shows
all the time, and video
versions can be had for, like, $2.99 or less.
SO DARK THE NIGHT
Theodore finally gets billing in a film. He plays "Georges."
It's about a French detective who is on holiday but has to solve a crime.
So he
goes hunting for clues (or "clouseaus," as the French call them). I got this e-mail: "Natasha, Theodore plays a hunchback, ala
Dwight Frye, and has a few brief scenes as a red herring." Now is that helpful? He is a hunchback or a fish! What a versatile guy. I never heard of Dwight Frye but I also never heard of anybody in the cast of this thing: Steven Geray, Ann Codee and Micheline Cheirel. Ironic isn't it, that Theodore is now the best known cast member! It was filmed by Columbia Studios.
1947
THE LONE WOLF IN MEXICO
Theodore plays a watchman. So watch for him. Ha,
That's a joke. With annoying lines like that, I could write for David Letterman.
Ha, "pants." Ha ha, "canned ham." Put away the late show bear! WOW!
A bunch of different actors played "The Lone Wolf," and by this time,
it was Gerald Mohr.
I have no idea who he is. I mean, in 1947 my MOM wasn't even born.
THE BLACK WIDOW
Would you believe that Theodore plays somebody called
Hitomu? This was a 3 hour Republic serial! No wonder it's not listed in my Leonard
Maltin Movie Guide book. Thanks, Leonard. Next thing you know, I'll have
to actually go do research and watch old black and white movies like you do. Ick!
I'm told: "Theodore plays the mysterious leader of the bad guys, someone who can literlaly materialize out of thin air."
Or thin plots!
1954
THEODORE AT MIDNIGHT
This is a short subject from "Visual Transcriptions Inc." There was a screening of it at a memorial tribute to Theodore on November 11, 2001. It's one of those weirdo things like Luis Bunuel would do, or "German expressionists" of the silent era. Or so they say. It's basically just Theodore re-telling "The Tell-Tale Heart" and wanting to poke out an old man's eye. Theodore manages to keep shouting "His HEART! His HEART!" and makes it sound like a heartbeat! The guy is too much, huh?
1956
MIDNIGHT CAFE
This isn't a "real" film, it's an experimental Dr. Caligari type short, and it could've been nominated for "Best Short Subject." From what I've been told, Theodore plays several parts as he visits a cafe full of yammering wackos and nut-cases. He plays an old man with a baldy wig, his usual glowering self and a scarred up horrible person. "How do you like them apples?" he deadpans!
1966
SOMBRA THE SPIDER WOMAN
This is actually that "Black Widow" thing! They waited 20 years
and then put the thing out again! I got an e-mail from a guy named E-Gor, and here's the dope:
"SOMBRA is an edited feature version of THE 40's THE BLACK WIDOW, which was
a "serial" (designed to be shown in short chapter segments at movie theaters for
12 weeks) made by Republic Studios. Republic cut a bunch of their serials into
features in the 60s and gave them all new titles in the process...."
Thank you E-Gor! Isn't it great when people click the "hate mail" link on the opening page and help out?
It's a small world after all. So from a 3-hour Republic serial, it became a skimpy little movie. But Brother
Theodore is prominent in both of them, playing an evil guy who has to get killed by the good guys.
Oh, by the way, the picture on this site that shows Theodore in his early films and later films...yep, we're
looking at him in this "Sombra" thing, wearing a turban. The other scene is from The Burbs, of course.
1969
MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND
I think Brother Theodore's narrated more films than he's been in! Actually, I don't know if he narrated this one or not. All I know is he did the trailer. I quote:
"...You will be SHOCKED and JOLTED! Like...you...never...expected!...THE
MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND is coming for YOU!...So...why don't you pay him
a visit?...NO APPOINTMENT IS NECESSARY!...but...bring your courage...you
will need it..."
1970
CREATURES OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET
This is also known as "Vampire Men of
the Lost Planet," which is where it's listed in Maltin's book. Theodore
only narrates the opening, which is about two or three minutes of spooky music and caustic grumbling. John Carradine is the star. This thing is also
known as "Blood Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet" and "Horror of the Blood Monsters" and "Space
Mission to the Prehistoric Planet" etc. etc. whatever. I guess
if you keep re-titling a bad movie you can fool somebody into going
to see it. It's been issued on video. Oh what a thrill.
1975
APPLE PIE
Eww, this apple pie must've been worse than the ones you buy at MacDonald's.
It was NEVER released to theaters! It was directed by "Howard Goldberg" (sounds like a loser-nerd, doesn't he?) and it's about a criminal who recalls incidents in his life. I think. Teddy Bro got third billing, so he must've done alot. That silly Letterman foil Calvert DeForest only got a cameo.Irene Cara is also in there somewhere. Now they've got this "American Pie" movie and, like, guys are crude, aren't they!
1976
GUMS
Somehow friends (Robert J. Kaplan and Paul Cohen) of Theodore's conned him into making a token appearance
in this porn movie. It was re-cut to make it a soft-core exploitation thing. He didn't take his clothes off or anything.
Maybe if
I was there, he would have? I sure would have. I've never done anybody
famous. He played Captain Carl Clitoris! The stars of the film were x-rated performers
Terri Hall and a guy named R. Bola. This film is often bootlegged on eBay. Funny how the MPAA gets mad at peer-to-peer sites that download movies, and how Kazaa and those places get sued all the time for allowing bootlegging....and eBay just says "we're a venue" and gets left alone.
1978
THE HOBBIT
This is some kind of made-for-TV thing.
S. Todd Bowland e-mailed me c/o the website in
July 1999 and asked me to update my (sadly incorrect) info. He told me: "The Hobbit movie is actually an animated made for television
feature that also starred the voice characterizations of Orson Bean, John
Huston, and the great Otto Preminger (truly a diseased mind)." Now we know. Theodore is the
voice of something called Gollum. UPDATE, March 2001: somebody else e-mailed to say that this is a Ralph Bakshi film. OK. I'll accept that. But I'll be real mad if somebody e-mails me to say this isn't so!
Whoops, February 2004: somebody ELSE e-mailed to say it was RANKIN-BASS and NOT a Ralph Bakshi film. Which is true. Turns out Bakshi made "Lord of the Rings" so there's the confusion, in case anyone cares. AND, now that Gollum-mania has swept the world thanks to those long, boring films that recently came out to help dweebs have a life, let me add that BROTHER THEODORE was THE ORIGINAL GOLLUM and hasn't been surpassed. Or has he? I haven't seen these stupid new movies with a real guy as Gollum, just that little creep on Saturday Night Live who used to imitate Gollum. I say Theodore is still tops!
NOCTURNA
(AKA "Granddaughter of Dracula.")
Theodore is re-united
with John
Carradine, at least in terms of sharing billing. Carradine actually returns
to his role
of Count Dracula, which he first played in "House of Dracula."
Or was it "House
of Frankenstein?" Anyway, under Harry Hurwitz's direction,
Theodore gets to toss in some of his own one-liners as he plays some kind of werewolf who operates a
hotel in Transylvania.
This 1978 flick has Yvonne de Carlo, Ms. Lily Munster herself,
in it.) Somebody e-mailed me to say that this thing was once released on video.
1982
THE LAST UNICORN
This is an animated movie. Sort of like "South Park"
I guess,
except nobody is running around telling you how KEWL it is. Theodore supplies one of the voices. I think it was "Rukh." I hope I spelled that righth.
1988
THE INVISIBLE KID
They re-run this one all the time. I hear he plays a
sex advice
counselor, sort of a parody of Dr. Ruth. Now and then Karen Black turns
on the
TV and sees him lecture, and she even calls him up. I will definitely catch
this when
it's on TV next. I can't figure why it wasn't a hit.)
1989
THAT'S ADEQUATE
This is a "mockumentary" about Adequate Studios
and the films they made. It wasn't a real studio. Seems like anybody who
turned up on David
Letterman's show got a part in this one. Richard Lewis, Tony Randall, Brother
Theodore..(jeez, I'm glad they didn't get Leonard Tepper or Bob Borden
or Dave's "so ugly they're funny" stagehands. Oops, I'm knocking
Dave again, and that's
so un-hip. Anyway, Theodore plays, I am told, a kiddie show host and does a few
minutes of prime ranting. That probably makes it one of the ones you should try
to find.
THE BURBS
Unlike SO many people, Brother Theodore decided to quit pictures
when
he reached his peak. Leave 'em wanting more is his motto. I mean, don't
go by me,
I didn't see this either, but I've heard he's in top form, like a pit bull,
barking out his
grouchy lines and practically snarling any time the camera's on him.
He plays Uncle Reuben Klopek, and they tell me the funniest thing in the whole
movie is hearing him say "NO!" No kidding?
Well, that's it. There ya go.
If you know of any other Brother Theodore films, tell me. You just click
"hate mail for the website" on the opening page.
BROTHER THEODORE'S APPEARANCES WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
Over at the newsgroup "alt.letterman" someone posted a listing of Theodore's appearances.
Well, plagiarism is what the Internet's all about, isn't it? So here's the list:
9/10/82 (#111)
10/20/82 (#132)
2/3/83 (#178)
5/19/83 (#231)
7/8/83 (#254)
9/7/83 (#277)
2/21/84 (#357)
5/16/84 (#398)
9/17/84 (#444)
12/19/84 (#491)
7/8/85 (#561)
10/31/85 (#612)
9/17/86 (#762)
7/24/87 (#892)
1/13/88 (#969)
2/17/89 (#1099)
I think that's a "sweet sixteen" if my math is right. Very impressive. Theodore probably could've made a few hilarious cameo appearances in the 90's but I guess Gerard Mulligan in a dress was the best they could think of. Prior to Letterman, Theodore made several appearances on the Joey Bishop Show and Merv Griffin Show (circa 1967) and was a guest on radio shows hosted by Steve Alle and Dick Cavett among others.
DISINFORMATION
I'm not sure if this belongs in the TV or Movie section, or not at all...but....Theodore is on the DVD "Disinformation" Richard Metzger's obscure and short-lived talk show, which was shown briefly in England, was bought by the Sci-Fi Channel and then never aired, and in 2004 was issued as a 2 disc DVD.
UNBELIEVABLE STORY OF BROTHER THEODORE (2007)
Seems that, like five years after it would've mattered, somebody scrapped a bunch of Theodore footage together for 70 puny minutes of a "documentary." From what I've seen on the Net, most of the attention has gone to Mr. First Timer, from that hub of culture, South Carolina, telling the story of how HE had a dream, HE had a vision, HE is producer, HE is director. Like basically if you pester a dying man long enough till he gives official consent (or did he) and then jerk off his friends with the promise that they will be in a documentary (golly!) you can call yourself a filmmaker.
Of course I haven't seen this thing, but the big joke is everyone in it had to pay $10 to get into a screening (there have only been two) and discover that their faces were never used! They haven't even be credited by name (you know, a subtitle to explain who is talking.) All you see are photos of Theodore, a puppet version of Theodore, and clips from some of the dubious movies listed above. A Jewish internet site reviewed this this thing and muttered about the director's "cross-cutting rapidly and frequently" and lack of a real documentary filmmaker's technique, like identifying the voices ("we never see them on camera.")
The irony just builds and builds doesn't it? You've got my inept film reviews, and then an inept first-time "director" using Brother Theodore's body as a trampoline into show biz and taking five years to put 70 minutes together. One day you might find it on the guy's website, a DVD you're supposed to buy for $29.95. Poor Brother Theodore. The idea was to promote him and get guys like Letterman and Woody Allen to talk him up on a documentary, but it changed into self-promotion for some First Timer in South Carolina. The trick in show biz, is not just to be pushy, but to have talent. The proof is you haven't heard of this thing and you haven't seen it and neither have I. Know what? I don't wanna.
PS, if you hated my writing, hate my attitude, and wish I'd stick a gun
up myself and pull the trigger, I'm real sorry. But you know, these days everything is about being "edgy" and I guess Mr. Webmaster figured his creepy
Brother Theodore site wasn't appealing to the Eminem/Aguilera/Dane Cook demographic. Hence, moi!
So deal with it! (Stupid phrase, but what do you want, whips?) 
Maybe the webmaster figured all is lost and having a goofy film reviewer goes well with Theodore having such inept an goofy people around him during his life, so many of them using him, promoting themselves with his name and coming up with crappy products.
You gotta agree the world's gotten worse without Brother Theodore around.
Anyway....
Let me get my shot at fame by association. I could say "I knew Theodore SO WELL..." like all the people who really didn't know him at all...so I will.
Hey Jay Leno, you've got all kinds of obnoxious people on your show from Ross the Intern to those two clueless college kids who are so funny because they don't know anything and you made it kewl to be stupid. Count me in!
So thanks everyone for reading my filmography thing, and taking a look at my photos!
P.S., if you think I'm worthless, what would that make Owen Gleiberman or Neil Rosen?