Smackdown, 1/1/04
(where Cena proves he is not the type for self-delusion, the Cruiserweight Division is continually misused, and I search for evidence of old ships for lack of anything better to write about.)

-- I'm starting slightly late, but it's okay because:
Cole (screaming his fool head off): "THE CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE IS ON THE LINE!!!!!!!!!"

-- Announcer: "Rey Mysterio!"
Jay: "Oh, *that* guy."
me: (*pause*) "What?"

-- Oh, Jay meant Sign Guy is in the audience. Never mind.

-- Rey's fighting Tajiri and his Japanese Mafia. Woo.

-- Bringing the excitement, Cole announces that a HUGE surprise is coming tonight. Huge.

-- Jay: "There's a fire in the disco, and there's a fire on Tajiri's pants."

-- commercials

-- Hey...I should probably be interested in this match, shouldn't I?

-- Dude, that's at *least* the 2nd time that they've mentioned what a great start this match is to the New Year. We got it, guys, we got it.

-- The ref accidentally gets taken out, and the JM goes for Rey, but he stands up to them and eventually wins.

-- Hey, Rey got the belt. Good for him. I didn't know that he didn't already *have* it. Oops.

-- Cole heads into the ring for a post-match interview. That's kinda old-school.

-- Apparently Rey's New Year's resolution was the Cruiser belt. He aims low.

-- Rey wishes a Happy New Year to everyone around the world, then does the same in Spanish and makes a weird dog noise.

-- Show in a Suit interrupts. Rey unties the bottom of his mask for some reason.

-- Show plugs his shirt, while Rey taps his shoulder like a kid trying to get his dad's attention.

-- Finally, Rey steals the shirt and throws it to the crowd. BS goes ape. It's like the ham theft all over again!

-- Hardcore Holly shows up and kicks BS in the back. Good for him too, I guess -- I can support kicking Show in the back.

-- commercials. The most important of which is stating, "DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME, YOU STUPID FUCKS!"

-- I wonder why Raw doesn't get those spots. Do more kids watch Smackdown, or something?

-- Backstage, Show fights with some wood, and wins. He moves on to monitors, bringing out a frantic Paul E.

-- Heyman sets up Show/Hardcore for later. Show tosses another TV for good measure and storms off.
Jay: "Hey, Show, you forgot your belt! Dickwad."

-- Hey, look, Rhyno! vs.....Bradshaw. Okay.

-- me: "Wait, Rhyno's a heel?"
Jay: "Yeah, he turned on Benoit at the beginning of the summer, remember?"
me: "Oh yeah." (*pause*) "But doesn't everybody turn on Chris Benoit?"
Jay: "Heh. Yeah."

-- Bradshaw wins because Vince hates Rhyno.

-- Eddie and Chavo judge lowriders, or something, including one with a chandelier. It's wrong of me to like the idea of a car with a chandelier, right?

-- commercials. Including WWE Originals. Rey's Crossing Borders, you know.

-- Puddle of Mudd is our new theme band. Um, good for them. Yes, I have completely run out of reactions.

-- Another SD in Iraq package. No, wait, it's the same one. Never mind.

-- Dude, it's hard to write about Smackdown. Nothing happens.

-- Jay (re: video): "The force of their performance brought down the statue!"

-- Paul E kisses up to patriots. Cena bumrushes him, like, "Bitch, no one was shooting at yo ass."

-- Heyman's all, "Hey! Step off! Have a match."

-- The match in question will be Cena and a partner of choice vs. the FBI. Dude, that *still* sounds insanely handicapped...against the FBI.

-- commercials

-- NO! SLEEP! TILL BROOKLYN!

-- Dude, John Cena just called himself a manwhore. Literally. I am not even paraphrasing. That's fucking great.

-- Also extremely accurate from what I can tell, but that's neither here nor there.

-- He also has no less than *three* audience participation spots in his rap, because he's going for overkill today.

-- Hey! Benoit comes out to be his partner! BENGLE-- Oh, wait. B...Bena? Cenoit?

-- Anyway, Benny's all, "Dude, Heyman sucks, I'll be your partner." Except he does it in RHYME. He's hardcore, bitch.

-- Man, that's what the CD needs: A Benoit Original.

-- You know, their Italian Violence is no match for his Canadian Violence.

-- Jay: "You're fucked, Chuck."
me: "Word life."

-- Of course they win. I mean, DUH.

-- commercials

-- KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURT!!!!!

-- According to Cole, Kurt's like our late Christmas present. Hey, I support that.

-- Kurt gives us the patriotic line. 'Cause he's, you know, USA Boy and all.

-- He then tells a sad story. Awww.....his eyes are pretty.

-- (*slaps hand*) Sorry. I'm focusing. Really.

-- Kurt's all, dammit, respect the soldiers! I wonder if this is going somewhere, since, you know, La Resistance isn't *on* this show, or if they're just beating patriotism into us like usual.

-- Oh, he enters himself into the Royal Rumble. Hey, you know what that means? As of right now, the Rumble is BENGLENA!

-- It's fucking *on*.

-- commercials

-- Hardcore v. Show. Jay is all confused over why this match is on now. I'm confused as to why they're having it at *all*.

-- ...This match is still on. SIX MINUTES OF PAIN.

-- Rey tries to crash the party and is knocked out of the sky like a bug. Heh.

-- DQ, Holly takes the chair, Show bleeds and drools.

-- commercials. I just want to point out that Trips is as fat as the fatass in the NYSC commercial. Ha!

-- Oh, look, they're bringing back Billy Gunn. Again. Rah.

-- Benny comes into PE's office to laugh. No, really.

-- The gist of this is that Benny's just a common man. Working hard with his hands. He's the Canaaaaaaaaaaadian Dream.

-- Hey, they even mention said dream. Well, they make it American, but still.

-- PE makes Benoit #1 in the Rumble. Benny goes sociopath over this. Mmmm, old-school.

-- Backstage: Rey celebration. They yell in Spanish, and Eddie+Chavo bicker. Chavo's all, "It's not all about Eddie all the time!"

-- Most importantly: SHANNON SIGHTING!

-- commercials. Including one with Vince for Smackdown. Because Vince = Ratings, you know.

-- I feel dirty having written that, even as part of a joke.

-- Eddie makes the fight up to Chavo by letting him drive for once. Course, this means that Eddie gets to sit up on top of the seat and soak up the crowd reaction, so perhaps it's a lose-lose situation.

-- They're fighting TBDTTP. HAAS!

-- Jay: "People don't give a crap about Chavo, and do you know why?"
me: "Because he doesn't have Pepe?"
Jay: "You're exactly right." (*pause*) "It's sad that you actually thought of that."

-- Eddie does some fucked-up shit. (No, I don't remember any more detail than that.)

-- Chavo tries to gloryhog and gets fucked up by Shelton for his trouble.

-- Chavo has an announcement: they lost cuz of Eddie. For this, he bitchslaps Ed. Bitchslapping = entertainment!

-- Kurt rushes out and basically hugs Eddie to keep him from delivering a return bitchslap to Chavo's punk ass.

-- Personally, I think Kurt's just trying to make his ex jealous by lovin up *his* ex. Ahem.

-- Or, Kurt just wants a hug. Stranger things.

-- commercials

-- Moments Ago, everything happened that I just said.

-- Kurt's on Chavo's side. You know, Eddie and Benny's voices sound awfully similar all bugged-out like that.

-- And...apparently that's it. Woo, anticlimactic city. Um, later.

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