Raw, 1/10/05
(where OTPs of the past are reunited (sorta), the Dubba fails to sell us on the replay of New Year's Revolution, and apparently not that much happens because the recap's only five pages long.)

-- No opening package this week, heading right into the arena at Ft. Lauderdale.  Sure, they didn't give us a recap just *because* we didn't order NYR.  Jerks.

-- Trips.  Suit.  Oversized Belt.  Goddammit.
Jay: "I mean, even fuckin Ray Charles could've seen this coming."
me: "Well now I'm kind of glad we didn't order it after all."

-- Anyway, he brings Flair along with him, and has a big bandage on his head.  Gee, Hunter bladed.  What a shock.  ...Hey, he's also got a bandage on his nose.  Ha!

-- Trips says to name *anybody* (no matter what show -- I smell crossover booking), and he can beat them.  H: "There is nobody in the world who does what I do."
me (to self):  "...In bed."

-- He also says that, in the Elimination Chamber, he fought "five of the greatest wrestlers in the history of our business"...?  ...He does realize that the match included Adam and Ortista, right?  I mean, not that I don't love them, but...yeah.

-- Oh, apparently, in said match, TFD eliminated both Ben-n-Jeri, and *didn't* turn on Trips.  Uh...good?
Trips: "And I am proud to call him my *friend*."
me: [Simpsons]  "'What'd he say?'  'I dunno, somethin about being gay.'" [/Simpsons]

-- This brings out Suit!Dave, who doesn't get a chance to say anything before he is tailed out by Suit!Randy.  Mmmm.  Mafialicious.  (Dave *totally* licks his lips at Randy, btw.  Really.  What did you say?  They were just dry?  I hate you.)

-- Randy's wearing a little clear bandaid on the mini-gash on his head, and somehow, this makes him look more hardk0r than Hunner.

-- So, we also learn that, after being eliminated, TFD helped Trips beat Randy.  Yay screwjob.

-- Randy's all, "OMG Dave he doesn't love you!"  Hunter's all, "Bitch, are you for real?  Let's ride."  and Dave's all, "Wait, I'm sorry, *what*?"

-- They show a clip of Trips not-saving TFD from being pinned by Ort.  Dave glares a hole in the side of H³'s head.  Trips defends himself, trying to use the excuse that his legs just plain gave out under the weight of his fat ass.

-- Fun With Contextless Quotes:
Hunner: "You see my head?  10 tons of steel!"

-- Randy makes up the word "unconscience".  Heh.  Then he tries to use a clip of H celebrating after his win as proof that Hunner was just *playing* tired earlier in the match.  (Because, you know, there's no such thing as an adrenaline rush or a second wind or anything.  Wait, why am I defending Trips?  Never mind.)

-- Ort warns TFD that the thumbs-up from Trips will eventually turn into a thumbs-down, and he's the proof.  Heh, I love it when they actually remember details like that.  Also, this makes Hunter some kind of cracked-out emperor, in my logic, so that's fun.

-- StillWhiteHaired!Bisch comes out, and does that thing where he basically says, "Good match idea!  Not today."  Instead, he clarifies that the stip saying Ort can't face Trips for the belt has been lifted, gets a cheap pop, and then stomps on it by booking a #1 Contender match between Randy and Dave when the crowd was clearly expecting a Triple Threat.  Heh.

-- commercials

-- OMG SHANE!  SHAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!  ...In a press conference video.  Dammit.  He shares with us that the Dubba's broadcasting a couple of shows from Japan next month.  Interessante.

-- Shelton v. Maven.  Pretend to care.  They announce that Amy and Eugene both got injured.
me: "Wait, isn't Amy the Women's champ?"
Jay: "I guess she lost it."
me: "So Trish is never, ever getting time off, is she."
Jay:  "I guess not."
me: "...You know what would have helped in this case?"
Jay: "If they hadn't fired all the women's wrestlers?"
me: "Exactly."
Jay: "Well, I heard that they're training Christy and Maria to wrestle."
me: "....So they want me to pretend I give a shit about DIVA SEARCH girls?"
Jay: "Not for a few months, but yeah."

-- Oh geez, speaking of which.  Tonight, we get to see Christy and Maria in a Lingerie Pillow Fight.  RAH.  THAT'S WHAT MY LIFE WAS MISSING.  Although this does provide a fun segue into the wizpics for Randy+Dave's match:
JR: "There's nothing pretty about this match."
me: "Oh no?"
Jay: "That's what *you* say, JR."

-- commercials

-- Jay: "It sucks for Amy, 'cause she was finally starting to have good matches again.  Although it's kind of ironic that she got the same injury as Matt Hardy."
(Theirluvissopainful.)

-- Rewind:  Jerry jobs to the Greek Arab boy.

-- Speaking of whom, he says that his victory was historic because Jerry represents the biased American media, or something.  That's as far as we get before Jay mutes it.

-- To fight him, enter...Hurri.  What *is* it with me and these guys who will never get pushed?

-- They get Ticker 2.0, actually, but I miss most of it.

-- commercials.  Jay:  "A member of NWA...starring in a children's film.  It doesn't get any funnier than that."

-- Wrestlemania 21 has official GROOMING PRODUCTS.

-- WMR: Pete Rose v. Kane, the '98 mix.

-- In the Evo locker room (which *still* needs a clever name), Dave broods in a white tanktop.  (He's Angel?)  Trips tries to reassure him.  Dave continues to look broodalicious, and subtly threatens Trips again.  Heh.

-- Adam stalks crazily through the halls on his way to a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match.  Dude, they're making him *qualify*?  Poor bitch.

-- commercials

-- Oh, Jay told me that Shel/Mave was a RR Qualifier, too.  Maybe that's why I was supposed to care.  Anyway.

-- Jerry (re: the LPF): "The anticipation is growing, JR!"
Jay (distastefully):  "I don't think that's the only thing growing, Jerry."

-- JR: "[Edge] must be the most paranoid superstar on Raw."
Jerry: "Well I take exception to that."
me: "...What?"

-- Adam's fighting Rhyno.  Hey, that sucks, I would rather they were *both* in the Rumble.  Hmmph.  We are informed that Ad and Shawn bitchfought yesterday, which is no surprise.  (They also say that he tried to convince Jay (ntoo) to take his place in the EC, which really amuses me.)  We figure that Adam's going to lose, so that he can have a match with Shawn at the Rumble.

-- Unexpectedly, however, Adam wins, by being all crazy.  (He puts Rhy in that submission of his, yelling, "TAP!  TAAAAAAAP!  TAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!")

-- Then he grabs the mic and whines about Shawn.  At least he's keeping up the crazy now, instead of having those mood swings.  (Although I did kind of like the unintentional Bipolar!Edge gimmick.)  He calls Shawn out and says he's not leaving the ring, which brings...

-- commercials

-- Adam: "Come on, we're back from commercial break... We all know you wouldn't come out if the cameras weren't rolling..."
me: "Heh.  That's so true."

-- He yells about being screwed (leading Jay to comment, "He thinks he's the new Bret Hart"), including yelling, "You screwed me again and again and again!"  I giggle, because I'm 12.

-- Shawn makes a cute comment which amounts to, "For someone who says he's getting screwed, you don't sound happy about it."  I still <3 Shawn.

-- He's interrupted by some guys in the front yelling "You screwed Bret", and he comments, "Looks like you've got some fellow Canadians here.  What's with you people coming down here, anyway?  Stay in your own damn country!"  Heh.  It's funny 'cause they all live here.

-- Anyway, Shawn gives Adam advice; essentially, to stop whining and start making things happen.  Or, as I happily yell, "Do somethin ABOUT it!"  See, it's funny when things come full-circle.

-- Adam: "You're right...maybe I need to slap some sense into myself.  But this sounds more fun."  BITCHSLAP!  Woo!  They brawl into the crowd.

-- commercials

-- Ha!  They're fighting outside the arena, and into the lobby.  Good stuff.  The refs wind up having to literally pin them down to separate them.

-- Simon Dean's music hits.  JR: "Now what the hell is this?"
Jerry: "What do you mean?  It's Simon Dean!"  (JR sounded like he genuinely didn't remember.)

-- Sign: "I Know I'm Fat, Simon!"

-- Nova says he's gonna give free pills to some big freak in the back -- meaning Rosey, natch.  Unfortunately for him, he gets Kane.  Who cheerfully accepts the free samples.  Heh.

-- Kane (conversationally, off mic): "This is the worst-tasting stuff I've ever had in my life!  Have you actually tried this?"

-- Kane beats him a bit, tries to give him a chokeslam, and inexplicably stalls, giving Snitsky enough time to run in and beat him up, getting him with the chair again.  Dammit, I knew we couldn't have been lucky enough to get rid of that ugly son of a bitch.

-- JR: "Last time this happened, Kane was out for months!"
Jay: "It's John Cena all over again!"

-- commercials

[-- me:  "Can you think of a clever name for Evolution's locker room?"
Jay: "...the FatCave?"
me: "...Now I really wish I hadn't been calling Bischoff's office The BischCave for all those months."]

-- Anyway, Evo's Locker Room.  H³ looks like he got a bad haircut.  Flair's all, "Trips, we need Dave liek w0."  Trips replies that TFD needs to be motivated (and not what *I* heard which was "lubricated") and orders Flair to go tell him that his record against Ort hasn't been stellar.  Flair looks unconvinced that this is the best possible method.

-- Awwww, Ben-n-Jeri fought at the beginning of the EC, and we missed it!  That makes me sad.  It's also the only thing so far that has made me consider ordering the replay.

-- Anyhow, they're teaming against Christian and the black hole of suck that is T2.

-- I may have said this before (if I did, I probably haven't typed it yet anyway), but I <3 Jay's sparkly gay tracksuits.

-- Jerry says that Christian wants one of his new nicknames to be "Christian the Crippler".
Jay (too): "To be the Crippler you have to beat The Crippler, baby!"

-- Benny hits Jay with the Deadly Snap Suplex (TM), and he sells so hard that he bounces on his back all the way into the corner for the tag.

-- Sign: "Funaki Sucks Eggs!!!"  ...That's random.

-- Aw, we missed Benny jumping "from the top of the Elimination Chamber".  Now we're trying to figure out how he managed that.

-- Ceej is cheering *very* enthusiastically before his tag.

-- He does one of those aborted Lionsaults where he lands on his feet, and T2 just *barely* rolls out of the way.  Wow.  *That* woulda hurt.

-- WoJ and Crossface on both respective halves of the team, and they both tap.  Heh.  Bitches.

-- Evo again.  Flair says that Hunter's motivational skills blow.  H replies that he's going to prove he SUPPORTS Dave.  (He's very adamant about it.)

-- SDRebound: HEIDENREICH says he's not afeared of Mark, just the casket.  Mark calls out his druids (even though no one knows who they were, or...what they were doing), and they bring out a pair of caskets, one of which opens dramatically.  Heidi loses his shit and runs off.  Mark shoves Paul E into the casket.  And once again, nothing except the main angle happens on SmackDown.  I hate you, WWE production team.

-- commercials.  The M+M Amazing is a seriously elitist candybar, you know.

-- BotW or whatever: Amy tears her ACL.  Ow.

-- ...And *that* segues to the Lingerie Pillow Fight.  Uh.  That's not right.

-- They send out some guest ref chick, like I'm supposed to know or care who the fuck it is.

-- Jay: "I hope Trish comes out and beats the shit out of everybody."
me: "Word."

-- They get Lilian involved, which is the only thing that brings marginal entertainment, as I start yelling at her to kill everybody else with the pillows.  (*clears throat*)  There's also bouncing on the bed.  Unexpectedly, Christy bridges for a pin, which is possibly the only thing in the "match" that didn't make me want to hurt someone.  I hate WWE.

-- More hall stalking.  Ortista.  Mmmmm.

-- commercials.  Resident Evil 4 appears to have a cave troll.  Also, RoadRunner is still showing holiday commercials.  [Jay] They're *stupid*. [/Jay]

-- Promo for a new guy.  His supposedly wonderful physique creeps me out.

-- Next week in Toronto:  Benoit v. Jericho!  SQUEE!!!  JR says they're gonna "get it on in Toronto".  I'm sure they will.

-- Trips and Flair.  They steal the timekeeper seats.  It was much easier to run-in when JR+King were ringside.

-- Jay (re: a miniscule Lilian flub): "It's a #1 Contender match *and* it's for the World Heavyweight Championship?  So you become #1 contender...but you win the title.  I think Lilian took one too many pillow shots to the head."

-- Trips, at the beginning of the match, gives TFD an "encouraging" thumbs-up.  Both Dave and Randy look disturbed by this.

-- Heh, it's fun just listening to their sound effects.  "Douche!"  "Wuf!"  "Gush!"  "FAH!"

-- Dave gets kicked to the outside.  T/F run over to help him up, which brings...

-- commercials

-- Sign: "Batista Punches Infants".  These people are odd.

-- Hunter comes over to help.  Some guys chant "You screwed Chyna!" at him.  Heh.  Also, ew.  The chant fades away suddenly, except for one guy who proudly (?) yells, "*I* screwed Chyna!"

-- Note to the guy front-center: If you want to put that many words on a sign and have it be legible, you need a bigger sign.

-- Anyway, Hunter offers Dave a chair.  Dave says he doesn't need it (which he doesn't at the moment, but he probably will by the time they're done arguing).  Randy, an opportunistic little bitch if there ever was one, shoves Dave into Trips and grabs a win.  Hunter's all, "I told you so!"  Randy laughs.  Dave hates life.

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