Raw, 1/24/05
(where Dave is better than you.  No really, just admit it.)

-- Let's see, I missed last week completely, as I was out pretending I have a life (a total lie), but as long as Trips is still monopolizing the airwaves (and B-n-J are sekritly shagging the Ortista is still full of subtexty goodness), I think I can catch up.

-- Attitude!  Entertainment!  Boo!  Gray!

-- Pkg of Kane chokeslamming Snitsky off the stage.  Hey, does that mean we won't have to see them tonight?  Right the fuck on.

-- We're in Oklahoma City, where, as Jay informs me, it's been declared JR Day.  Oh, *good*.

-- Wizpics: Ort vs. Flair, and a SCSA "update".  Aww, we get Steve in honor of JR Day, how nice.

-- Shawn.  In a baseball cap.  I hate it when he does that.
Jay: "I think he was just yelling [to the crowd] 'Where's my pyro?'"

-- In a recap pkg, Adam, in...interesting pants, puts Shawn in that crazy submission, and then yells, "HOW DOES IT FEEL? HOW DOES IT FEEEEEEEEL??? YOU SCREWED ME!  YOU SCREWED ME!"  ...Yep.

-- Speaking of which, Ceej.  Jay points out that he's wearing the tights he wore when he *fought* Shawn, adding, "It's sad that I remember these things."  Oh mah brutha, it's sadder that I *don't*.

-- Jay: "...I think he just asked Shawn, 'Hey, where was your pyro?'"  Heh.

-- Enter Benny, still in "godawful yellow tights" (according to Jay).  Then Jaynotheotherone -- hereby shortened to Jay* 'cause that joke needed to die like a year and a half ago -- and his "pet goat" (according to a sign) T2.  Then Adam, who grins up at Shawn hotly.

-- There's history in this match, yo.  Hot, sweaty...history.

-- Ceej runs on T2's back.  Dork.  Also, showoff.

-- B-n-J throw Jay* on Adam and T2, and JR comments, "The CLB picks up the 7-10 split," as they all crash to the ground together.
me: "...Where did Jay's head just go?"
Jay: "I don't want to know."

-- commercials.  Kid Rock drinks motor oil.  Okay.

-- Adam and Shawn fuck up a rope spot and redo it.  Losers.

-- T2 tags in.  me: "Oh, the quality just plummeted."
Jay: "Let's see how many shoulders it takes to carry Tyson Tomko to a decent match."

-- It would appear that ten isn't enough, as he is swiftly tagged back out.

-- me (with my Mad Descriptive Skillz): "He looks like he wants to be Goldberg and, like, isn't.  And it's not like we needed another one."

-- Adam steals Shawn's pose, for no good reason.  Hot Geek.

-- Shawn gets a rollup out of ref sight, so apparently the Rollup is not as all-powerful as we used to claim.

-- Benny with the HOT TAG OMG, dropping T2 on his head.  Ow.  Then dropping Adam onto Jay*.  Ceej, meanwhile, planchas out of the ring onto T2, and I realize I have absolutely no idea where the hell Shawn is.  Bellyflop O' Carnage (TM) on Jay* following a pair of sick Germans, and then Shawn reappears and kicks somebody, or something.  I don't know, I missed it because I was busy coming up with the name Bellyflop O' Carnage.  Anyway, the faces won, that's the important part.

-- JR: "It's all about Edge and Shawn Michaels...in their minds."  Too true.  Adam grabs at his hair like Crazy!Victoria.

-- SDRebound: TL: "Last week, Kurt Angle sunk --"  me:  "My battleship?".  Kurt has to apologize to Joy.  Show and DiBradshaw will team up against Kurt (yeah right).  Kurt (to Joy): "My abducting you, gagging you, putting you in a locked trunk...was not personal."  (I giggle.)  Someone in the production truck inexplicably puts on a haunted house tape, to which we get to see Kurt, DiB, and co. predictably gang up on Show.  And it all is really, really cheesy with this music.  I hate the production team.

-- Hey, those are nice shoes.  Oh, it's Stacy!  She looks cute.  She's going to do something out in the ring for JR Day.  Jay is *so* excited.

-- commercials.  Why is there an angsty guy in Resident Evil instead of, like, Milla?  Also, why is there a cave troll?

-- Clip of Hulk on the Tonight Show in 85.  Awww.

-- Wow, JR Day is courtesy of the *governor*.  I seriously thought they were just making it up.

-- An old-school wrestler who I don't know (I think he might be a real wrestler) hops over the ropes to join the party.  Heh.  You go, old-school guy.

-- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS...THE JR DANCE!!!  (*frantically boogies to fight song*)

-- Ah, that never gets old.

-- Jay: "Okay, who do you think is going to interrupt, Simon Dean or Muhammad Hassan?"

-- Pkg on the official declaration of JR Day.  He did a signing.  Good for him.

-- JR: "Sooner Born, Sooner Bred, and when I die, I'll be Sooner Dead."
Jay: "Tazz is gonna choke him out for ripping him off."

-- Awww, we both lose, it's Trips and Flair who come out to interrupt.  (They're pulling out the *big* guns today.)  ...Oh my Jesus what is wrong with Hunter's *hair*?  It's all...flyaway.

-- Quote that had a context but was stupid anyway:
Hunt: "That is like crap telling puke it smells good."

-- ...I think Hunter's on Teh Crack.  (Or at least a little drunk.  It would explain the hair.)

-- Trips sends JR and the old-school guy packin, but hangs on to Stacy.  JR comes back into the ring to stand up for her.  Okay.

-- JR takes off the glasses (oh no now it's BIZNESS).  Flair hits him with The Lowblow of Massive Heeldom.  Old-School Guy clocks Hunter, which makes him the recipient of a shiny Mafia Style Shitkicking (TM).

-- Anyhow, Hunter says that he saw how Ort got a kiss from Stacy (last week, I guess?) and he's jealous.  Oh, I *bet* you are, Trips.  Ahem.  Then he changes his mind ('cause Trips + het does not compute) and goes for the 'Gree.

-- This brings out Ort, of course.  Hunter throws Stacy at him (OMG his legs rejected the very idea of having a girl between them?) and hightails it with Ric.

-- Hunter (yelling gleefully): "She doesn't want a boy, Orton!  She wants a man!"
Jay: [DX] "Man...to boy.  *Man*...to boy." [/DX]

-- commercials.  That Starburst one is stupid and creepy, but gets bonus points for shouting out to the Hello video.

-- Backstage, Trips acts like a date-rapist-in-training, harassing some random chick.  Then they meet up with Dave back in the Evo Locker Room Legitimate Businessmen's Club [TM Simpsons], and regale him with the adventures they've just had.  Dave, for his part, greets the whole story with a "you guys are complete losers" face.  I heart Dave.  He breaks it to them that he's going to have a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match, and tries to convince Trips that it's a good idea, using his own circular logic against him.  Bwa ha.

-- BischCave.  Regal wants one of the five remaining Rumble spots.  Bisch gives it to Coach instead.  Look, I don't know.  Enter LaRez, who also want spots, and Bisch is all, um, no.  Then enter *Dave*, who gives them a sort of, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you breathing here?" look.  Short version: he's gonna beat them both in a handicap match, 'cause he doesn't care.  I want to repeat that I <3 nonchalant!Dave.  A whole lot.

-- commercials

-- JR rejoins the table, while crappy music plays.

-- Oh, wait, it's the Coach.  Rah.  In the ring, he declares (presumably through Bisch's authority) that Tajiri's going to fight Viscera in an over-the-top challenge, as his RRQM.  Dude, seriously?  I need to NEVER SEE VISCERA AGAIN.

-- And he fucking *won*, too.  WTF.  I hate you, Vince.

-- Pkg on Trish talking smack about Amy and getting chokeslammed.  1) Trish is awesome.  2)  I really hate that Kane is a face now.  3) No more Snitsky plzkthx.

-- Wizpic!Dave checks to make sure his arms are still attached, while JR hollers that his match is next.

-- commercials

-- Mom: "So do you think they're going to let Batista win the title?"
me: (*pause*)  "I don't know, I mean, it would be interesting...but it's not like they ever do anything *logical* with Hunter and that title."
Jay: "Susan doesn't think he should win it."
me: (freakishly, irrationally bitter) "That's because she wants Randy Orton to win it.  That doesn't *count* as an opinion."

-- Tajiri, backstage, gets accosted by the walking carwreck that is Maria.
Maria (cheerfully): "How does it feel to not qu -- qualify for the Royal Rumble?"  Maria, I hate you a lot.

-- Enter Regal, who has a plan, and shuffles off Tajiri to include him.  Also, he calls Maria a tart.  Heh.

-- Where are all the good signs?  WHERE???

-- Jerry: "Parents: The Anti-Drug."
me: (evilly)  "...Heh.  Heh heh."
Jay: "What?"
me: "*Parents*.  Are the *anti-drug*."
Jay: (catching on immediately)  "You wouldn't be able to tell from Brian Christopher!"

-- Dave plays face-in-peril for a bit, before realizing that he's fighting *La Freakin Resistance*, and pinning them both together.  Go Dave.  Back in the Legitimate Businessmen's Club, Trips+Flair approve, I think, since the match isn't long enough to register.

-- And then TFD proceeds to make good on his threat, and plant the flag right in the ass of whichever one of them was on top.  Literally, from the camera angle.  Now *that's* a cunning use of flags.  Dave is great.  I still heart Dave.

-- Back in the LBC, Hunter looks disturbed (possibly thinking that DX totally would have done that sight gag) and storms out, claiming to have someplace to be.  Flair is confused.  I don't blame him.

-- commercials

-- Jay: "Oh, Susan says that if we buy No Way Out she'll come over here to watch it."
me: "Okay.  Is that a Raw PPV, or..."
Jay:  "No, it's Smackdown.  She says she won't buy a Smackdown PPV as long as Bradshaw is champion."
me: "Jay, when was the last time *we* bought a Smackdown PPV?"
Jay: (*very long pause*)  "Vengeance 2003?"
me: "Heh."

-- Smack of the Week: MH³ talks smack about Ceej (and I laughingly agree 'cause I'm mean) and then punks him out on the HLR set.

-- It's his RRQM, and -- holy shit, Lilian is wearing the trashiest top EVER.

-- Anyway, the match is against Val -- where did his hair go?

-- Understandably, this is *already* giving me a headache, and then The Other Guy steals Lilian's mic, shrieking periodically over the PA.  Good for him.

-- ...Did he just yell "Break his neck!"?

-- JR: "I repeat, they do not represent all Arab-Americans."  Yeah, way to cover your ass *now*, JR.

-- Jay mutes it, finally.  You know, I think that's the longest he's ever gone.

-- ...Val looks disturbingly like Kane.

-- MH³ wins his match, which, duh.  The announcers posit that he could win the whole damn Rumble.
Jerry: "I don't wanna think about it, but it could happen."
Jay: "Yeah, if everyone else in the ring collapses and dies."

-- LBC.  Hunter returns and says that he got Flair the last spot.  Flair looks...uneasy about that, but Hunter somehow uses that weird logic of his to convince Ric that it's a good idea.  I dunno.  Whatever.  They turn their attention to the match at hand...

-- Flair:  "Orton's goin down!  Orton's goin DOWN!  ORTON'S GOIN DOWN!"
...I don't feel bad about giggling at this, because Dave does too.

-- commercials
Jay: "Hey, I wonder if Kevin Nash is in that Punisher video game."
me: "He should be.  I mean, he = sales.  That Monster Truck Madness game?  None more bestselling."

-- Maven tells us about the end of unibrow the fact that he's got a second chance at a Rumble spot, if he can beat someone who already has one.

-- Enter Kane, who seriously looks like he just crawled out of a war flick.  Heh.  Okay, that's pretty funny.

-- Maven: "I didn't mean you!  Anybody else!"
Naturally, enter Snitsky.  I would laugh, if I weren't so pissed that I have to see Snitsky.

-- They make it a triple-threat, because the bookers are crackheads.  Snitsky starts the match by punching Kane's arm wound, a la Dom.  Hee!

-- This is the most selling I've *ever seen*.  If only Smackdown's PPVs sold like this.  (Oh I WENT there.)

-- Oh, Kane won.  Blah blah blah.

-- commercials

-- Jay: "Who's going to win the Royal Rumble?"
me: (deadpan)  "Me."
Jay: "You?  Who did *you* beat to get a spot?"
me: "Chris Jericho, of course."
Jay: "You did?"
me: "Oh yeah, I *pinned* Chris Jericho."
Jay: "But...then you're taking his spot."
me: "Oh, it's not like *he's* gonna do anything with it."
Jay: "You never know, he could win it."
me: (*"bitch, please" stare*)
Jay: "He has more of a chance than Muhammad Hassan."
me: "What, only *half* the ring would have to die?"

-- Stone Cold pkg.  Awwww, I miss the Austin/Rocky.  OTP, yo.  They should make a movie together.

-- JR: "Royal Rumble, a joint production of Raw and Smackdown."
Jay: "Heh heh, he said, 'joint'."
me: "What are you, RVD?"

-- I love how seriously unattractive all of the Rumble promo pics are.

-- JR (shilling): "They get no bigger than this.  Randy Orton, who is red-hot --"
Jay: "JR means that literally."
me: "...What?"
Jay: "About Hunter.  They don't get any bigger than that."
me: "OH.  Heh."

-- Hey, it's Todd!  Hi Todd!  He interviews Adam...again.  Adam says he became a realist.  Yeah, cynics *always* think they're realists.  He also misidentifies Kurt as being in the Rumble.  Wishful thinking, bro?

-- commercials

-- Scary Bitch promo again.
Jay: "He better back it up."
me: "Jay, do they *ever* back it up?"

-- Evo.  I finally crack and *yell* at the TV, "I HATE YOUR HAIR!"  (Jay points out that, according to Hyatte, Hunter is "singlehandedly bringing back the mullet".  Heh.)

-- Ort, complete with ugly forehead wound.  ...Seriously, if that scars, I'm gonna have to find out who's responsible and kneecap 'em.

-- Randomly, Flair dances in the ring, and on the outside, Hunter gives him the Scott Arms (TM).  Zuh?

-- My wrist hurts.

-- Hunter trips Ort, and the ref kicks TFD out, thinking that he was the one who did it.  Dave looks at Hunter expectantly, and Hunter looks away, mock-innocent.  Hee, their facial expressions are great.  Dave heads to the back.

-- Mom: "Well, good, he shouldn't have been there."
me: "No, he should be there!  Send *Hunter* back!"
Mom: "Neither one should be there!"
me: "NOOOOOO, Dave should.  'Cause.  *'Cause*."
(...Things make little sense when you're a shipper, people.)

-- commercials

-- Back.  Still match.  Still Hunt.  Randy bleedin all over.

-- Jay points out that Hunter goes out of his way to not sneak-attack Orton in the head, to avoid getting blood on his suit.  Hee.  Tool.

-- Orton goes into some blood-induced rage, having the nerve to no-sell Flair's chop.  Dammit, know your role, boy!

-- ...I can't believe I just quoted Rocky non-ironically.  Oy.

-- Sign: "They Don't Teach EVOLUTION In Oklahoma". Okay, I think that one sign might make up for the complete lack of other ones. Bwa.

-- Someone bumped the ref at some point, which doesn't stop Flair from putting on the Fig4.  I dunno.  A new ref comes out, and Flair bitchslaps Randy while *in* the Fig4. (*snicker*)  Ort flips it over, Hunter pulls the ref out, doubleteam, Randy clearly yells "Oh shit" a couple of times, he kicks Hunter in the nuts (because lord knows that Ric Flair's not the *only* one who can't get off the top rope without Bad Things happening), RKOs Flair, and wins, stealing Hunter's dropped belt to taunt him with a bit.

-- JR: "If Triple H wanted any more of Orton, he could get it right now!"
me (under breath): "Slut."

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