Raw, 1/26/04
(where my pairings slowly disintegrate, nobody behaves in a remotely sane manner, and I am apparently starting to take Hunter's weight gain personally.)
-- Attitude...Entertainment...boo... HAPPY BIRTHDAY LO!
-- Okay, that wasn't there...but it should have been.
-- Package of Mick crashing the Rumble to completely whup Randy's ass. It cuts really oddly and winds up looking like they forgot to play the whole package, but I have no idea if this is true.
-- Sign: "Hershey Hates Hunter" But from the looks of things, Hunter may have found a new, consuming love for Hershey. *And* M&M Mars. Not to mention Nestle...
-- Oh, no, Ceej is using his fucking Originals song now. Dammit. I hope this doesn't last, like all his *other* attempts to use different music.
-- At least the boy can dress. That's all I'm saying. ...And I say it with love, you know.
-- CJ goes out of his way to mention that he's not upset that Benny won the Rumble. That just warms my cold, dead shipper heart.
-- He decides to use his Survivor Series favor (FINALLY) for a title shot against Hunter. During which, he will apparently take Trips "downtown to Chinatown". Do you think Hershey even *has* a Chinatown?
-- He also does a random little Howard Dean impression. Hee! I can see how being a Best Week Ever correspondent is already warping him.
-- Bisch, of course, spoils Chris' fun. He's all like, well, you can use your favor for that, but then I will personally make sure that Trish becomes the next Katie Vick.
-- The driving force behind this (well, aside from his general dislike for CJ, of course) is that he's bitter that neither Ceej or RVD won the Rumble, and thus the two of them will fight the Mafia sans Trips after commercials.
-- You know...I'd have loved it if Chris had been all, "Eh, the hell with Trish! Bring on the title shot!" Damned heart. I mean, you *know* he wouldn't have used his favor to save Jay.
-- commercials. Jay (the other one) wants the Toyota girl to pick up her damn clothes.
-- It's so sad. Randy and Dave are always looking at each other, but never at the same time, so they're never making eye contact. (*heavy sigh*)
-- Oh, where was I? Um...Chris is hot. Yeah.
-- Hey, wait: it's The Legend Killa vs. The Living Legend. OMGWTF.
-- Dude, Chris and Jay are just beating the PISS out of Randy. Heh.
-- I'm starting to think TFD is only here for moral support. They refuse to tag him.
-- Oh, wait, there he goes -- he gives Ceej a SPINEBUSTER OF DOOM on the floor. Ouch.
-- RVD is trapped in the ring alone with the whole Mafia...what will happen???????
-- Who knows. We get commercials instead.
-- We come back and Ceej is still on the floor. Dude, I like TFD and all, but if he hurt My Boy he's fucking DEAD TO ME.
-- Oh, wait, he's totally milking it. Never mind.
-- According to Jerry, Hunter may need his smile surgically removed. HE WOULD BE THE FAT SHAWN.
-- If Trips had his own postage stamp, we would all have to vote between Trips and Fat Trips.
-- See, Ceej knows to go for the legs. Good man.
-- Somebody better mop that floor; Randy slid across it on his back and, I kid you not, left a stain.
-- Ha! YOU FUCKED UP! Chris had to *stand up* so that Orton could get his head in the face crusher on the second try. That's just sad.
-- Ort just totally ditched his boys, just to have the camera to himself on the ramp. What a whore.
-- commercials
-- Randy yells at Eric about how Foley ruined his dream. Austin shows up and guarantees Mick a promo, before Ort can attempt to kick his ass.
-- Trish goes to check on Chris. DUMP HER, DAMMIT!
-- ...Does everyone remember how, last month, I *wanted* them to get together? I don't know what happened either. I'm just fickle.
-- Chris pussies out and agrees to be friends.
Trish: "But not friends like you and Christian."
me: "Heh. See, *she* knows."
-- Jay is predictably upset that Ceej is still mooning, and yells at him, "This is Raw, Chris. Not an episode of The O.C.!"
-- God, I love this angle. So much subtext.
-- commercials
-- Apparently last night Victoria beat Molly, but not for the title. Well that's just not right.
-- Today, they bring us Vic/Amy vs. Mol/Jazz. Amy looks cute, but sort of...on drugs.
-- It's sad the way that Vic can do a moonsault splash from a standing position on the apron, and then goes and fucks up a sunset flip. Sigh.
-- Great Moments in the Paul Heyman School of Coaching:
Jazz (sort of blankly): "Do something, Molly!"
-- Great Moments in Descriptive Speech:
me: "You know why I like Amy? She looks like people. She's tall, and she's got thighs."
-- Crazy!Vic wins, and Stevie runs around merrily raising the team's hands.
-- Hunner shows up backstage, looking extremely beat up. Not to mention fat.
-- Jay: "Great, that's what we need, a half-hour promo to bring the show down another 20 notches."
-- commercials. Subway continues teaching us that the Atkins Diet drives people completely insane.
-- Why are they showing a Raw commercial during Raw? Isn't that a little redundant?
-- ...Wait, did I say that about the SD commercial too?
-- OH MAH GAWD HUNTER HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING! HOW WILL THE FANS FIT???
-- The camera guy shoots him from the neck up. That's just sad.
-- Shawn comes out. Only one bandaid. Nice bruise, though.
-- SCSA and his ATV of Chaos come out to interrupt. S/A. YESSSSSSH.
-- Hey, look, there's Benoit! How about that. He proclaims that he wants the shot at *their* title at WM, instead.
-- Shawn looks disturbed. Like, "Dude, that short guy just crashed our never-ending soap opera. Let's take him out back and beat the shit out of him!"
-- There's just something wrong with the fact that, if Benny manages to win at WM, he *still* won't have had the WWE Belt. That's just not fucking right.
-- commercials. Still 1 hour to go. OMG WHY.
-- Oh good, the ring is on fire.
-- Bubba, all bandaged like *he* was in Last Man Standing as well, comes out for revenge for Spike.
-- You know...considering that I can't really write him, I have to stop getting story ideas with Randy Orton in them. No, I *don't* know what this had to do with anything, but it was in my notes in this spot, and so I'm dropping it in here for accuracy.
-- Back to what's actually happening...I love when D-Von sells with the twitching leg. Heh.
-- UT Gong again. This time we get a messy video of Kane, graveyards, snakes, and thrones. Oh, and Taker. Or at least according to Jay. *I* didn't see him.
-- Eric talks to Heyman via speakerphone. Heyman tells Bisch to "lawyer up", which I find very funny and I have no idea why. Coach laughs at Bisch's misery, because Coach is fucking retarded. Now he gets to fight Goldberg. Yup.
-- commercials
-- ALL RIGHT, FRENCH GUYS. THAT IS OF COURSE WHAT THIS SHOW WAS MISSING.
-- ...And, end sarcasm. Rico vs. Conway. Um. Rah?
-- Rico's makeup is sparkly.
-- Two guys in Hulk shirts do the Dupree dance in the crowd. Ha! It's the dance craze of the future.
-- Rene (how the hell do you do accents, anyway?) takes exception to Rico totally molesting Rob -- so, to distract everyone, Jackie flashes the crowd. (I'm right there with you.)
-- This naturally gets Rico the win, and Stacy comes out to...congratulate Jackie? I have no idea.
-- commercials
-- Mick wanders in, wearing the Christmas light logo shirt. Oh, that Mick, he's like Santa Claus. It's Christmas all year round.
-- Still Replay of Goldberg getting F5ed and then tossed from the Rumble by Kurt. (*cough*Anglesnar*cough*)
-- Coach comes out to face the firing squad.
Coach: "Nobody wants to see me face Goldberg tonight."
me: "I'm sure Goldberg doesn't."
-- Teddy Long comes out to take Coach's side as usual. This somehow leads into Teddy dancing for the white man.
-- Hooper would say that Teddy is filled with "BLACK RAAAAGE!" I just wanted to point that out.
-- commercials
-- Is anyone interested in this match? I didn't think so.
-- After destroying Coach and his calvary, Gb confirms that Brock is, indeed, next. He does *not*, however, say that he's humping his ass, which one of us must have heard something in here as, otherwise that's a really random note.
-- commercials
-- Enter Mick.
JR: "Raw may never be the same because Mick Foley is getting a standing ovation here tonight!"
Jay: "...How does that mean Raw won't be the same?"
-- Foley promises to answer, for us, the eternal question -- WHY, MICK, WHY?????
-- He basically says that he was a good wrestler because he was totally maladjusted. Heh. Yeah, that explains a lot.
-- Though refusing to be that psychotic again, he nevertheless calls out Randy, saying that R owes him a favor. This turns out to be a request for more Orton!Saliva. Randy clearly thinks, "Quoi?" ...Except probably in English.
-- Mick then makes fun of Randy's inability to hock a loogie. (Performance anxiety, perhaps? Ahem.) He gets the crowd to chant for it, and winds up with a cheek full of phlegm.
-- Mick also says that he's offended by being referred to as "Randy Orton's bitch". Ort looks all proud and smirky at this, probably because it means that he is not the bitch himself for once.
-- Mick goes back on everything that he said earlier in the promo, as he is now clearly completely fucking insane. I love when Mick's fucked-up like this.
-- He attacks Randy, bringing out the Mafia. Mick takes them out and hits himself in the head repeatedly, busting himself open. Good times. Evo looks appropriately horrified. (And I get to see Bewildered!Randy leaning all over his boys for support. Hee. I've got my priorities.)