Raw,
(where Hunter is shady, there's a totally gratuitous conspiracy, and no one seems to have noticed that Adam and Shawn are completely insane.  Ha, you thought I was going to mention the Ben-n-Jeri, didn't you?  I AM TRICKSY!!!! ...Oh, wait.)

-- Wow, there's still an opening?

-- Cali.  All right, Cool Sign Guy's still here!  ...Awww, but he's in a corner and we won't be able to see his Cool Signs.  That's sad.

-- Tonight we shall have Shawn/Randy v. Trips/Ric.  Also, above the ring, a cage beckons to Kane and Snitsky.  Oh GOOD.

-- Jay: "What a shocker!  The night after a PPV, we start with a Hunter promo."

-- Trips makes his way to the ring.  Subliminal Ad: Drink Aquafina.  If it's good enough for Trips to spit all over everyone, then by God, it's good enough for you.

-- You know, Hunter's hair doesn't look quite so godawful this week.  I mean, not that that's saying much.

-- Sign: "Push HHH"  OMG AUTOMATIC SIGN OF THE NIGHT.  That makes up for not seeing Cool Sign Guy's work.

-- Hunt: "I am destiny!  This is destiny!"  Okay, if I was paying attention (which, yeah, is always iffy when it comes to him) he was talking about the belt.  So...he's the belt?

-- I hate it when they say that the Rumble winner went through 29 other guys.  Because unless he was #1 or #2, he *didn't*.

-- Or possibly other early numbers, if the first few guys don't eliminate each other before they get there.

-- ...I'm thinking too hard about this.

-- Anyway, Hunter brings out Suit!Dave.  His tie is kind of nice.

-- Trips does a little fake-scratch in the middle of his speech to mock Cena.  Heh.

-- H (to Dave): "I know that you know...how I feel about you."
me: (*cough*)

-- Hunner then discusses how he turned TFD from schlub to stud (oh yeah, like he needed your help) or something.  Actually, I think technically Flair can take the credit for that.  But okay.

-- Continuing in this vein, he calls TFD "a product of Triple H", and Dave looks all, "Uh, yeah, sure."  Heh.

-- He also says that he's actually willing to defend the Oversized Belt against Dave, which, wuh-huh?  Change of direction much?  This makes me fear that Dave isn't going to want to go after it.  WAH.  If they deny us payoff of the only angle they haven't messed up yet, I will hate them forever.

-- Mysteriously, a clip of Drunk!Bradshaw at the Rumble appears on the 'Tron mid-promo.
DiB (re: TFD): "He's built like Tarzan, I will make him look like Jane."

-- Of course, confusion reigns.  I suspect that Hunter had them run that clip in an attempt to incite Dave to jump shows.  Because he's a shady bastard.  (Although not a Shady Bastard [TM] like Jeff.  Heh.)

-- commercials

-- Ben-n-Jeri "defend" (defend what?  their honor?  their right to carry on protracted and ambiguously gay feuds?) against La Rez later.  Okay.

-- Hey, Shelton's the IC champ?  I forgot that.  I could use this as a segue into another rant on how they don't correctly book the IC belt, but we'll skip it.

-- Anyway, Benj gets to fight the highly-qualified Simon Dean.
Jay: "Who the hell did *Nova* beat to get an IC title shot?"

-- They point out that Shelton's a fighting champ (unlike you, Hunter) and all that good stuff, which means that I have somehow managed to miss all of his previous title defenses.  Huh.  Well, Nova tries to steal a cheap win, Benj squashes him, the Ticker appears, and that's about it.

-- Post-match, Nova grabs the mic:
SD: "The only reason Shelton Benjamin beat me is because he used my Simon System, available everywhere."

-- Shelton takes offense at this, although whether it's because of the implication that he would need a weight-loss product or that he would be enough of a sucker to buy crappy infomercial products, I'm not entirely sure.

-- BischCave.  Hunter yells at Bisch about the DiBradshaw clip, and says that he "better not be working some backdoor trade".  Heh.  Heh heh.

-- He also adds that despite Bisch's "frosty-top haircut and cheap power suit", Trips is the one who's in charge, because OMG, he has the Oversized Belt.  Or Mafia connections.  I'm not sure which.  Then he storms out.  Bisch looks hot determined, and states that we'll just see about *that*.

-- ...What?  Look, the hair is on its way back, it's not the disturbing peach fuzz anymore...  I hate you all.

-- commercials

-- WMR: The Brawl For Al(l) addendum, of poor sad Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean.  That *never stops being funny*.

-- Christy's music plays, while we get some shots of the cage hanging ominously.  Wow, Christy's going to be in the cage?  That = ratings.

-- Oh, she's firing the merch cannon AGAIN.  Is that like her job?

-- Enter Adam.  He talks crazy about how Christy is trying to embarrass him by shooting Wrestlemania 21 shirts, since he *almost* won the Rumble.  ...Okay, that's slightly too much of a leap in logic, even for me.  Adam, you're weird.

-- He talks crazy some more, about his Rumble performance.  Heh, his voice is going out.

-- Enter Shawn.  (Random sign: "Josh Fears Al".  Which he totally should.  Yay Tough Enough.)  He starts a response, but his mic is all crappy and staticky.

-- Shawn: "I have to change mics in the middle of my speech.  Now *that's* embarrassing!"  (Adam almost laughs.  He's so transparent sometimes.  I <3 him.)  Shawn continues, deciding to do some crazytalk himself.

-- Shawn: "I'm looking to *alleviate* that pent-up frustration."  Wink, nudge.

-- At some point Shawn apparently said that he'd shake Adam's hand, or something?  I don't know, I must have missed that.  So, Shawn makes good on it, then gives Adam a nice SCM right to his pointy jaw.  Adam drops like a rock.  I gather Shawn is less frustrated now.

-- commercials.  They really need to sell Theme Addict, or so we guess from the fact that they've suddenly made a new commercial for it.

-- Moments Ago, Adam thought it tastes like FEET!

-- Jay: "Now [Maven] thinks he's Hulk Hogan, he's wearing yellow and red."

-- He's fighting Shane.  I'd like to think poor Hurri might get a win...but I doubt it.

-- JR: "[Maven]'s gotten a little...haughty."  (I thought he said "hottie", and I was like, trying to figure out if Mave had picked up some short Diva or something.)

-- Ticker 2.0: The Bottom Line'll let you win WM tix (Jay: "if you can figure out when The Bottom Line is on"), more Austin pluggage, new fantasy game rounds, and TFD on Raw Mag.

-- Maven's finisher is *fucked-up*, dude.

-- Backstage, Two Giggling Girls gossip about Batista (you would too), and run into Snitsky coming out of the women's locker room.
Snitsky (menacingly):  "...Nice shoes."  Heh.

-- Jay: "What's with all these guys intimidating the chicks all of a sudden?"
me: "Cheap heat?"
Jay: "...Because *Gene Snitsky* needs cheap heat."  (beat)  "He killed a baby, for God's sake."
me: "Snitsky *is* cheap heat."

-- me: "You know what would make it more effective cheap heat?"
Jay: "What?"
me: "If I gave a shit if he beat up any of those chicks."

-- commercials

-- Still Recap of the Casket Match.  It is possibly more interesting in stills.

-- BischCave.  Bisch interrogates Coach about the tape (it's like the Who Moved The Briefcase angle all over again!  MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF...oh, wait, that was their crappy unresolved angle in the first place...never mind).  Teddy Long shows up and says he didn't send the tape, but he *is* trying to steal Teh Dave.

-- TL: "The Clothesline From Hell vs. --"
me: "The Spinebuster of Destrucity!"

-- He also plugs the Barbed Wire Steel Cage Match at NWO, for those who didn't watch the Rumble.  Which you totally had no excuse to do.  It's the *Rumble*.

-- Elsewhere, Randy/Stacy (I swear she says "Hunner", and that makes me go "heh").  She exposits about Randy's injuries, for she is the Queen of Exposition.  Randy talks about the title and looks cute at her.  She looks cute back.  I realize they have no RL connection, but I am nevertheless struck by the fact that they would probably have freakishly good-looking children.

-- BnJ do the hallway stalk.  Benny is wearing the "damn yellow pants again" (according to Jay), and Ceej is in his new jersey (which I still say looks an awful lot like his *old* jersey), in case you're keeping track.  Ceej slaps Benny randomly on the shoulder and then doesn't look at him.  Benoit gives him a weird look.  I giggle.

-- commercials

-- Slam O' The Week: La Rez threaten Dave.  Dave gets all TENTPEG on them.

-- Ben-n-Jeri.  I bitch about them not being announced as from Canada (yes, I still can't get over this).  The truck replays their Simultaneous Submission Moves from three weeks ago.

-- La Rez are "all business" (sez Jay) -- no capes, no flag.

-- ...Do you think there's a reason they aren't looking at each other?  I ask out of...purely academic interest.  Really.  Of the non-plotbunny variety.

-- Jeri runs off to beat up Sylvan (who goddammit needs to have a name that's easier to spell), which makes him unavailable in the corner as Ben looks for the tag.
Jay: "Ooh, they're gonna build dissension!"
me: "Already?"

-- Ceej: "Come on, Frenchie!"  Weirdo.

-- The whole thing breaks down into anarchy.  Literally.  Eventually Mike Chioda gives up and calls it a double DQ.  Jigga what?  Nobody is happy about this (and Jay gets to yell about Mike Chioda some more, which is why I know it was him).  Well, except La Rez.

-- Wizpics of Kane/Snitsky.  Jerry:  "It got ugly for these guys when they were both born."

-- commercials

-- Seriously?  They could've made more than one.
[...I have no idea what I was talking about.]

-- MH3.  I'm already tired of this angle.  So tired that I'm not bothering to cube the three anymore.  It's not like it made any sense in the first place, I was just used to doing it with Hunter.  Heh.

--- MH3 (re: his Rumble beatdown): "That was a metaphor!  For the way Americans --"  (Blah blah blah blah blah....no, really, it all sounds something like Charlie Brown's teacher to me)

-- me: "Can I point something out?  CJ was the ringleader of that."
Jay: "Yeah."
me: "He's Canadian."
Jay: "Yeah."
me: "...Okay."

-- It brings out Sarge, which Jay totally called.  Dude, any angle that results in Sarge's random yearly cameo is not worth it, have you noticed that?

-- Sign: "That's Racist".  I say we should bring a sign that says "That's Ignorance!"

-- Backstage, Benoit and Jericho act very VERY VERY GAY.  I'm not even kidding.  They make out smash faces and and growl about how they want to see each other's best and OMGWTFTHELOVE.  woiahngikhnewowiahbggwoiejgoilowlgwehonwg.
Jay: "...I can't even watch this without being weirded out."

-- me: "...That was AWESOME."
Jay: "Of course you'd say that."

-- commercials.  We're still discussing the OMGWTF!promo...
Jay: "I'm serious, I couldn't watch that because you've polluted me with your...junk."
me: "Oh, come on.  Even if I'd never said anything, that'd still be REALLY GAY."
Jay: "Well, yeah.  It was like the Snitsky and Heidenreich promo from last night.  'I like you, John.'  'I like *you*, Gene.'"

-- Oh, they also show the ForrestGump!Eugene WM promo again.  Hee.  I <3 Regal.

-- Legitimate Businessmen's Club.  Trips: "...You know how much I want to wrestle Batista at Wrestlemania, right?"
Uh, why is he trying to snow Flair?

-- He says something about how he shouldn't try to keep TFD from going to Smackdown because he'd like him to go after a belt he could win.  OH SNAP.  I hope Dave heard that.  Mwa ha.

-- Did Flair just pinch Hunter's cheeks, or am I totally losing it?

-- Bisch comes out to plug Japan.  He makes a Ben-n-Jeri submission match (because "they can't seem to get along", heh), plus Regal/Tajiri vs. La Rez, and Trips/Edge for the title.  WTF?  I mean, I'm all for Adam getting title shots, but...WTF???

-- Randy and Shawn come out.  Still Recap of Shawn and Kurt.  Shawn looks perturbed by the reminder.

-- commercials

-- Evo.  Including TFD, still in his suit and lookin hot.  Man, all this show needs is a wee bit of Ortista and I'll take back what I said about it *completely*.  (Which was, about halfway through, a whiny yell of "This is the show after a PPV?  I'm *bored*, I'm *SLEEPY*", but then, that was before the Love Promo.  Bwa ha.)

-- JR: "Ric Flair must feel like Shemp -- slapped twice and down he goes."
Okay, "Shemp".  Makes sense, right?  Except Jay heard it as "ship" and I heard it as "shrimp".  (I blame the Forrest Gump commercial.)

-- JR says that H³ has a "controversial heart".  Whatever that means.

-- I don't know what the hell just happened, except Dave threw a bitchfit with chairs.  He gets ejected, and turns and grins at the camera as he heads to the back.  Hey, have I mentioned today that I <3 Dave?  Even if he thwarts my hopes for Ortista.

-- commercials.  I will never, ever see The Grudge.

-- JR: "We are back and we are live as hell in San Jose."
Well, at least the crowd's finally awake.

-- Flair's Corner Bump is rilly skeery.

-- The Main Event Spinebuster is, according to JR, "the Arn Anderson spinebuster with AUTHORITY!"

-- Flair is heelish (which, yes, is something like breathing, for him).
Jerry: "Everybody complains that nobody uses that tag team rope.  Nature Boy's using it."

-- JR is trying to bring respect to the abdominal stretch.  Show props.  (*zzzz*)  Wazzat?

-- Right after I comment on how all of Flair's bumps seem to be backdrops, he takes Ort's crazy backbreaker, which *so* isn't a backdrop.  Well played, Naitch.  NOW I'm going to school.

-- Flair gets the RKO (which Jay complains he can't sell right) and Ort gets all concussion-headed.  Hunter goes for Ort, Shawn goes for Hunter, Adam randomly runs in and goes for Shawn and gets Hunt instead.  (He doesn't seem to mind all that much, though.  Ha.)  Randy gets a pin, then plays woozy in Shawn's lap.

-- ...Actually, that last part sounded more interesting when I put it that way, didn't it.

-- Awww, Shawn looked like he gave a shit about Randy.  That's nice of him.

-- JR (as the cage lowers): "What we're about to see won't be scientific."
me: "Or entertaining."

-- commercials

-- ...Am I expected to say anything interesting about Kane/Snitsky?

-- Hey, it's Trish!  Okay, *now* it's entertaining.  She's wearing a neck brace and looking...interested?  Well, that makes one of us.

-- Jay: "They *really* don't need to pair Trish with SNITSKY.  Then I would have to give a crap about Snitsky."

-- JR: "Why would the Women's Champion, who's injured, want to be this close to this match -- which is, potentially, a car wreck?"
me: "Potentially?"

-- She tries to hit Kane with the door, but he grabs her and pulls her into the cage.  Snit hits Kane, gets Trish out (kinda...she sort of falls down the stairs), and steals the cage door.  Right off its hinges.  Kane crotches him on it, or something, and pulls out a win.

-- JR: "That was an ugly bowling-shoe-like victory."  ...Sometimes I'm not sure why I even *try* to make sense out of this.

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