Raw, 2/2/04
(where I can't come up with a decent subtitle because OTP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-- OMG THE MUTHAFUCKIN LUV.
-- THE MUTHAFUCKIN LUV.
-- Oh, er, hi. We opened with the Highlight Reel. Today's guest is none other than Chris Benoit. YESSSSSSH.
-- Jeri tries to warn Ben against the Mafia. There's a joke here and I'm not quite sure what it is because my mind is fried from THE LOVE.
-- Ceej's facial expressions...they own me.
-- Also, he is using the Serious Voice -- or, that is, Teh Sex Voice (TM). Rawrrrrrrrrrr.
-- If I were Christian, I would be *much* more pissed right now than about the Trish thing.
-- Ceej plays the vid of Flair's disses at the Rumble, causing the crowd to Wooo uncontrollably and bringing out the Man himself.
-- Flair refers to Benny as "the most tech-i-ni-cal wrestler". For some reason, I am always amused by pronounciations like that. It's like Mark and "PO-lice".
-- He also calls Benoit a fine physical specimen, and CJ TOTALLY CHECKS HIM OUT.
-- ...Er...Benoit, that is, not Flair. Because...yeah.
-- Hey, why do I always have *dubiously* straight fiances, anyway?
-- Benny wants to fight Flair, which brings out Bisch.
Jay: "He's wearing glasses."
me: (looking up from notebook) "Ooooooooooooooh."
-- I try not to think about this too much. I just pretend it doesn't happen.
-- Bisch: "I strive to have a healthy working relationship with my employees." Heh. And -- insert Pseudo-Sequel joke here.
-- He sets up Vitamin C vs. Flair/Dave. Also, Benny will be in action NEXT!!1!!1!. He looks cautiously optimistic.
-- commercials
-- I *think* I saw a "Nipple H" sign. Viva la Wrestlecrap! However, I guarantee you that if it really was there, it won't be for long.
-- Anyhow, we come back to Chris Benoit vs. Mark Henry. LET THE MISMANAGEMENT COMMENCE.
-- Sorry, that was awfully pessimistic of me...then again, this *is* the Dubba-Dubba we're talking about.
-- Don't worry, I'm sure Benoit will carry him to a Five Star Classic. Though he might get a hernia in the process.
-- Trips comes out to watch. He looks like a sausage. I'm just sayin.
-- I am convinced he only carries the title around now because it no longer fits around his bloated waist.
-- MH gets the Crossface and lackadaisically taps out in like half a second. Heh. Hunter claps for Benoit in a smartass way. Benny tries to keep his head from exploding out of sheer disdain for Trips.
-- commercials. In the WMXX commercial, Brock is sitting in the time-honored popstar "look at my crotch" pose. I just couldn't resist pointing this out to you all.
-- A/S. Austin tries to analyze Shawn. Shawn gets pissy and despondent.
-- Austin: "You've never said no to anything that's been asked of you." (My mind automatically went, "ooh, kinky", but this is because I am corrupt and warped.)
-- Austin (in Shawn's face): "You want a shot at the title?"
me: "...Suck me, beautiful!"
A: "...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"
me: "...It's wrong that I'm taking that to mean the same thing."
-- Recap of Mick's promo from last week. I am amused that you see Randy mouth, "You're fuckin *crazy*!"
-- Drew accosts Mick for taking him out of the Rumble, and Orton jumps him while he's distracted. Drew tries to get in on it and Ort turns on him. Possessive little thing, ain't he.
-- Great moments in out-of-context quotes:
Drew: "Don't get hot, man, I was just trying to get a piece." No comment.
-- Post-beatdown, Randy gets all up on Mick -- Randy: "Make no mistake, Mick. You *are* my bitch."
-- ...I don't even know where to begin. For my own sake I don't think I'll comment here either.
-- commercials
-- Sting O' The Night: Jackie flashes the crowd. Jerry reacts as if he was not sitting *behind* the action and could actually see something.
-- Les francais entrent. Ou quelque chose.
-- Jerry says that Janet Jackson just wants to copy Jackie Gayda. Yup. Jay wants me to point out that this is the second Janet reference of the night.
-- Rico rides Dupree like a pony. Heh. Incidentally, Jackie is wearing almost assless pants. So I'm sure there's some hidden cowboy theme somewhere.
-- We observe the new Ticker of Doom, which now looks kinda spiffy and plugs random shit.
-- Someone just squealed like a pig. I have no idea where that noise came from. I hope it wasn't the ring, although I wouldn't be surprised.
-- Jay, re Rene: "It's like when Bulldog died, he repossessed Bulldog's body. Somebody's watching who hasn't watched in years, and going, 'Davey Boy Smith looks fuckin *built*!'"
-- Stacy comes out and wiggles her ass to help out. Let's all pretend this isn't nonsensical. La la la la la.
-- You know, Jackie's pants aren't very flattering. I mean, aside from the assless. It looks like she's got love handles.
-- Oh, this is the logic -- Stacy says she and Jackie should be the pair of Playboy Divas. They then break into a dance number. Jackie has no rhythm. Alas.
-- Backstage, Christian is hanging around, "just reading about the Beatles". That is incredibly random. But he seems cheerful about it.
-- Oh, wait, there it is: according to him, TRISH = YOKO. SO TRUE.
-- He then threatens Trish with a One-Man Conchairto. Christian is the new Psycho!Jericho. YES. DO IT, JAY.
-- ...Okay, when did I turn into one of those misogynistically rabid pairing defenders? That's bad juju. I hereby apologize to Trish.
-- Besides, Ceej is just gonna cheat on him anyway. Jay deserves better, man.
-- commercials
-- Smackdown Your Vote stuff. Linda talks to college students, and a cardboard Maven smiles. Hey, whatever happened to Maven? He is our last line of defense against The Age of Unibrow.
-- You had to be there.
-- Trish is wearing bubblegum pink and less eyeshadow. This is her "innocent" look, I'm told.
-- Bisch appears on the Tron all, "Oops, Trish, my bad." He takes off the glasses. (Dammit.) Then he sends out Kane.
-- Dude, I *knew* Bisch was just gonna push the match back a week. Dammit, Ceej, I'm not supposed to be smarter than you.
-- ...Am I? Where am I? What's my motivation? Is this SHU?
-- Jay: "Did someone just yell 'impregnate her'?" Katie would be so jealous.
-- Ceej makes the save (duh) but Kane beats the crap out of his knee. Jerk.
-- commercials
-- In the trainer's room, CJ wants to tell Trish something.
me: "WHERE IS JAY? STOP HIM!!!"
-- And there he be. He's all, "Chris, WTF! We have a match later!"
-- Ceej gets right up in Jay's face (OMGOMGOMG) and uses the voice again -- but doesn't look into his eyes while he's doing it.
-- Oh, Christian, my dear boy. You are totally sweating the wrong Yoko.
-- Goldberg heads to the ring, past a bunch of people who I thought were staring at the interview set, til Jay (the other one) told me they were watching the show on some monitor I didn't spot because I was too busy writing about the big sordid mess that is Chris Jericho's fictional love life. Oops.
-- So. Let's count the ways I don't care about *this* match.
-- Nah, let's not...I don't care enough to count them.
-- On the other hand, Kane has cool new tights. Or maybe they're old ones. It's not like I would have noticed.
-- This time, we get pyro "lightning" instead of the gong. The video is much of the same as last week.
-- Kane, confused, gets Speared. *Then* we get the gong -- and smoke -- and another gong. Then the transmission "cuts out" to commercials.
-- Jay informs me that, at the beginning of the show, I missed Trips licking his lips at Benoit. I am ashamed for not being on top of that and letting you know.
-- ...I was too distracted by his FAT ASS.
-- Jerry, in case you were curious, has "always believed in things that go bump in the night". I'll let you make your preferred joke.
-- Booker T. You know, the problem with his new music is that now, there's no audience participation factor. Bad form.
-- Hey, it's Matty!
-- Matt Fact: Matt has never run out of gas while driving.
-- Matt Fact #2: Matt's chest hair grows swiftly. (This is true. The man *always* has chest stubble.)
-- Jerry repeats the above MattFact, his voice cracking at the end, and Coach responds, "Why would you be excited by that?"
-- DEAD SILENCE. Ha! I momentarily don't dislike Coach.
-- Fashionista!Matt still needs to lay off the pockets. He just does.
-- The crowd chants something enthusiastically, and we can't figure out what it is.
-- You know, I miss Matt on Smackdown, when he used to be entertaining.
-- JR: "The only thing you can do about a losing streak is *win*." He sounds so pissy that I can't figure out if that's directed at someone.
-- Someone has a sign asking Randy Orton to spit on them. I just thought you should know.
-- Oh, no, the elbow pad came off. IT'S ON.
-- The announce team just passive-aggressively dissed Smackdown. Dude.
-- Coach has no love for Booker. But dammit, Teddy would want UNITY!
-- Matt loses again, (Jay: "And the crowd is *ecstatic*.") and they wonder where it went wrong.
-- Backstage:
Randy: "Shawn, what are you doing?"
Shawn: (matter-of-factly) "I'm cleaning Hunter's blood off my boot." I don't know why this made me laugh.
-- Sadly, despite Randy and Shawn individually being SUPERGAY, they haven't got anything together.
-- commercials
-- Enter Trips, dressed to fight. Awww, damn, it *does* still fight around his waist. I'll have to try again. Ahem.
-- ...THAT OVERSIZED BELT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE HIS WAIST LOOK SMALLER.
-- There, I feel better.
-- The lighting guy's getting fired. No, I don't remember why. Sh'up.
-- HUNNER. YOU GOT THAT TITLE IN A CRACKERJACK BOX. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT EARNING IT.
-- ...Yes, I *know* there've been losses and wins and defenses since then...I think I'm a little irrational about that point. Oh well.
-- He even *sounds* fatter. I never knew there was a sound before.
-- ...Yes, he's still talking. Why is he still talking?
-- Jay: "Oh yeah, Hunter. That gut shows me you're handling the pressure perfectly."
-- Hunter: "I'll show you what it means --"
Jay: "-- TO BE FAT."
-- In comes Spike. The "gutty" Spike Dudley according to JR. Insert Hunter-gut joke here. This gets kind of tiring. Whew.
-- Hey, Spike got a haircut at some point.
-- OMG TRIPS GOT THE TICKER. HA! HA!
-- Spike takes the 'Gree headfirst. Ouch.
-- Um...Hunter's still fat. Yeah. I feel like I've reached a quota.
-- commercials. See, John Cena is untouchable, and yet, he forces us to feel him (LIKE THE MANWHORE HE IS). It's like an oxymoron.
-- ...Also, I am going to have nightmares about Quizno's.
-- Rewind: Brock talks trash about Goldberg.
-- Austin goes into Gb's room (OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF SICK MIRROR UNIVERSE IS THIS? WORLDS COLLIDE!) and offers Gb his ticket to No Way Out. A says Gb would be representing him -- BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL TWINS.
-- Ceej is still using that song. Dammit.
-- You know, if Jay really loved Ceej, he'd come out to save him once and a while. For that matter, so would Trish. Ungrateful whores.
-- ...Shut up, it makes sense in my head.
-- Coach agrees with Christian that the girls of the world ain't nothin but trouble.
-- Ric and TFD come out. ...It's gotta be the eyes, because he's got an odd-shaped head.
-- ...See, I like to pretend I'm looking above the neck.
-- The crowd has no idea who to root for in this match. I think they're contenting themselves by *just* rooting for Ceej. Heh.
-- TFD's tights are copper and red. They intrigue me.
-- VC takes *forever* to get TFD over the top rope, C jumps out (no I don't remember which C or where he was going), Walls of Jericho, Flair taps, ref is naturally not looking, allowing TFD to cheap shot CJ and Flair to get on the Fig4, to which Chris taps.
-- ...I smell a Canadian bitchfight. OMG I AM TORN.
-- Still no crowd reaction at all. In case you were wondering.
-- commercials
-- Wrestlemania Recall: Shawn arrives FROM THE SKY! Like Jesus! But in reverse!
-- Batman -- er, Orton arrives, and the saliva-coveting sign-holder gets some TV time.
-- Another sign: "Evolution: Proof that man evolved from apes." Heh.
-- You know, Randy...staring at Shawn...looks pretty hot. I feel dirty.
-- Ort "accidentally" dropkicks the ref *hard*. This is followed by Shawn fucking up the corner bump.
-- Austin, on the ATV of Chaos, brings out Earl, almost runs over the ref, steals the IC belt, steals the ref, and almost drives backwards off the ramp. Mischief managed!
-- Then, Shawn falls on his knee and we go to commercials. Yeah.
-- We come back to Randy with Shawn in The Chinlock. Excitement!
-- It's wrong that I'm looking at this move and thinking that it looks like a really good chiropractic position right about now, right?
-- The announce team is saying something about wearing condoms on your head. I don't know either.
-- Enter Foley, allowing Ort to freak out and get rolled up.
-- Mick beats Randy into the crowd, and Evo runs after him.
-- Trips, on the other hand, can't resist a prone Shawn (some things never change, man) and jumps him, almost falling over.
-- This brings out Benny, and Trips backs off like a pussy.
-- Hunter (to Benoit): "You just made a big mistake."
Jay: "We get it, he just made a big mistake."
Coach: "He just made a *big* mistake!"
-- JR: "Chris Benoit has what Shawn Michaels wants!"
me: (confused) "Chris Jericho?"
Jay: (equally confused, only with me) "What?"
-- Which brings us to the end of the show. Mwa ha ha!!!!