Raw, 2/9/04
(where Trish/CJ/Jay gets even *more* complicated, Shawn goes back in time, and everyone jumps on the fat joke bandwagon.)
-- What better way to start Raw than with the Strong Monkey. Woo.
-- Vince struts down to the ring, presumably to interrupt and not to fight Goldberg. Although you never know, with Vince.
-- Once again, they feel the need to state that he's walking with a purpose. Yup.
-- He cancels Gb's thus-far-nonexistent match, bringing out the ATV of Chaos and Gb's even-more-evil twin.
-- Vince gestures wildly, and no one can figure out what he's talking about. Austin tells him off.
-- Sign: "Will take Stone Cold Stunner for beer." I should make a sign like that. Except with the Crossface. And something that's not beer. I haven't decided what yet.
-- Vince recaps Austin giving Gb his No Way Out ticket. Thank you, Chairman Exposition.
-- You know, people are *always* using that "10000 people are calling you an asshole" line...it should be recognized for what it is, as the new road to a cheap pop.
-- Vince brings out Paul E, but not without saying that he "may soil Raw forever". Heh.
-- PE says Gb can sit and watch the PPV "like a good boy-ee". Is that his attempt to be street, or something?
-- He also says that if Gb interferes, Brock will *deal* with him. I daresay that Brock will FIND him!!!
-- This leads to Paul E getting speared "all the way to hell", according to JR. No word on whether or not he says hi to Mark. One has to assume that's where he's hanging out and playing supernatural pranks on his bro.
-- Then Gb *supposedly* tries to spear Vince and gets Austin, but Vince was totally nowhere near him, so I don't know what the hell was up with that.
-- commercials
-- Backstage, Goldberg wants to know where he now stands with SCSA. Austin gets in his face. This is like the *opposite* of hot. It's the anti-hot.
-- Vince storms into a thoughtful Bisch's office. Gb is repeatedly referred to as Bischoff's man (and EW), then suspended (again) and barred from NWO, with the caveat that if he shows up it'll be Bisch's ass on the line.
Mom: "Oh, yeah, *that'll* keep him away." Heh.
-- Chris and Trish's wardrobe matched last week!!! I am ashamed that I didn't notice.
-- Trish's makeup has been really pretty. Maybe they fired Janet.
-- C/T are teaming up against Molly and Matt in a mixed-tag. It's like blond is good and dark is evil!!! Or something.
-- I like the idea of Molly/Matt, if only I could picture either of them noticing the other exists.
-- Anyway. Matt Fact: Matt loves getting things for free.
-- Matt Fact: Matt has frequent-flyer status on five airlines. (Or something like that -- they took it off the screen so fast that none of us has any concrete idea what it said.)
-- OMG I CAN'T TAKE THE FASHION IN THIS MATCH. (*weeps*) It is too much for me.
-- TICKER OF DOOM! (The old one, not version 2.0. Heh -- they used V1 for V1. ...Okay, so I make my own fun.)
-- JR and Jerry pretend they're Harry and Sally. (*blinks*) What? OH. I meant that they were discussing whether a man and a woman could be friends. Yeah. Whew. My mind went to a horrible place there for a second.
-- Sign: "Matt Hardy is Version One-derful" Hee! I wish I'd thought of that.
-- Ceej jumps out of the ring, sells last week's knee injury, and is flung violently into the steps. Ouch.
-- Matt goes after Trish and Jay comes out...to help Trish? Quoi? In my head, this is part of some ongoing tiff between Matt and Jay that has nothing to do with Chris or Trish. YES.
-- ...Nah, who am I kidding. Jay did it to prove to CJ that he cares about Ceej enough to save his "friend". OMG CJ JAY <3S U. THIS ANGLE OWNS ME.
-- commercials. Jay (the other one) points out that a Cruiserweight Title match just got its own PPV commercial. I am proud and scared at the same time.
-- Jay (the other other one) admits to Trish that he was jealous. (OMG TRISH HE IS JEALOUS OF YOU NOT OF CEEJ.)
-- Jay: "Since you and Chris are just friends, there's no reason the three of us can't have a healthy relationship."
OT3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- He goes in to "check on" (*cough*euphemism*cough*) CJ, complimenting Trish as he goes through the door, as a shameless red herring/mindfuck.
-- Jackie and Stacy tell Jindrak and Cade (hey, they still work here?) about their plans for world domination. Be afraid.
-- Mick runs into Coach. Nothing happens.
-- commercials. Snickers promises the MOST NUTS EVAR, because apparently they read too much LJ too.
-- Rewind: Jericho pretends he's listening to Flair talk instead of mentally undressing Benoit. Wait, did I say that out loud?
-- They give Benny and last week's Crossface the credit for four glorious months without Mark Henry. THANK YOU, CHRIS BENOIT. You, not Shawn Michaels, are the true savior.
-- Jay points out that Ben&Flair are both in red: "It's that Horseman bond."
-- JR points out that "Flair's chest is already bleeding". I didn't think razor chops were *literal*.
-- Jerry: "The match ain't over until the fat lady rings the bell!"
Jay: "Really? Hunter's gonna come out and ring the bell?"
-- commercials
-- In the meantime, we've decided that Hunter's weight gain is just another stage of his complete osmosis into Ric Flair. Only Flair knew when to *stop*.
-- Flair employs his Mad Heel Skillz, kicking Benny in the nuts. We all *wish* we were this heelish.
-- Sign: "Evolution = Ratings". I can't decide whether or not to snark at this. I am torn.
-- Ben reverses the Fig4 into the Crossface and Ric taps. Bless him. Giving the rub. Such as it is.
-- Backstage, Hunner licks his lips numerous times (apparently YJ Stinger isn't a very refreshing drink) and calls for an immediate contract signing in the ring.
-- commercials
-- The Boss of Us Morons comes out, v. businesslike. He gets no fun at all lately. Poor Bisch.
-- ...Ignore that.
-- Hunter follows. Which inspires this:
Mom: "How much does he weigh today? Do they need a crane to carry him out?"
Jay: "It's not as funny if you make fat joke after fat joke --"
Mom: "Yes it *is*."
Jay: (*pause*) "Fine -- I'm surprised the stage can hold up his fat ass. He wears the belt to hold in the fat."
Mom: "His double chin has a double chin."
-- Hunter talks up Benoit, but pretends that Benny's nervous. Dude. Chris Benoit is NEVER NERVOUS. EVER.
-- Trips also tries to hit on him. Poor sad Trips -- he has no power to do that now. Ben is not even *looking* at him. Ha!
-- me: "I just figured out why Hunter gained all this weight -- it was the only way he could think of to make his nose look smaller."
(See, I combined a fat joke with a nose joke -- I AUTOMATICALLY WIN. ME FIRST. Let's pretend I didn't just steal it from the AustinPowers!Pump joke.)
-- Hunter then says that, after Benoit loses, he will be sitting alone in the locker room. He is completely underestimating the sluttasticness of Chris Jericho.
-- He keeps harping on how Benny's dream will come to naught. Well, if Trips isn't just The Grinch Who Stole WCW's Belt.
-- ...He called Benoit "kid"? Wait, *how* much older is Benoit than Trips?
-- Also, is it even *possible* for Hunter to give straight-sounding promos?
-- Shawn comes out, pissed that Hunner's hitting on someone other than him.
-- Shawn: "This thing between he and I eclipses any dream, any contract, any piece of paper." I make sure to cough something about love.
-- To sum up, Shawn's all, "Hey, short stuff, this is *my* angle. Get out." Benoit's all, "Bitch, please." Shawn knocks him out, Hunter laughs. Shawn signs the contract, Hunter quits laughing. JR wonders if they're in it together. HMMMMMM. Well, *I'd* like to think so, but I doubt it.
-- commercials. Apparently, Twix let you throw the most random Hollywood parties *ever*.
-- Moments Ago, Shawn reverted to PreConversion!Shawn and held Benoit down. Somewhere, my Kliq-poisoned heart rejoiced, and my Canadian Violence-loving head was ashamed of it.
-- JR, recapping this, brings the Shawn/Austin factor into the picture (woo!) but is cut off as he disappears into Kane's pyro.
-- Literally *as* I'm thinking, "Wow, we're this far into the show, Hurri must be on Heat *again* -- they should just send him back to Smackdown", he comes out to fight Kane. So the moral is that I should just keep my mouth -- er, brain -- shut.
-- TICKER V. 2.0. Seeing as how this is an obvious squash and all.
-- Kane goes for the celebratory pyro and it doesn't go off (twice). The crowd chants for Taker.
-- JR: "Kane's embarrassed that his pyro didn't go off and scare the hell out of us." It's like pyrotechnile dysfunction.
-- "In 34 days, the dead will rise...again." There was much more Taker in this version. (Not to mention a clever tie-in to the joke I just made.) Plus, a gong *after* the vid. See, they've gotta change things up, and it's good they realize that.
-- commercials
-- Wrestlemania Recall: Trish and her Super Fun Confetti Platform take out Vic with the Chick Kick.
-- Bisch, for Benoit's benefit, sics his attorneys on the contract.
Bisch: "I'm gonna give you something I know you want."
me: "Chris Jericho?" (*pause*) "I am *so* sorry. I swear that's automatic."
-- It was actually a match with Shawn for next week. In case you were wondering.
-- Speaking of Ceej, though, Randy infringes on his gimmick by yelling at Terri that "It's a conspiracy!" I choose to take that as a shoutout.
-- Coach interviews Gb. We sadly make the same joke. (Not that I remember what it was.) Gb says he doesn't care what Vince said, which, duh.
-- Say...do you think Austin's jealous that Vince is all trying to torment Goldberg, now? I mean, a suspension between Vince McMahon and Steve Austin used to be something *special*!
-- If you got that joke, I love you.
-- commercials
-- Tour of Asia package, and -- wait a minute! Matt's going to sushi restaurants with Jay now! OMG WHAT A HO! ...Although that does support that otherwise random theory about them I had earlier in the show...
-- Well. I'll reserve judgment until Confidential sheds some light on this, but my preliminary statement is that they just didn't have date-glow like Matt/Cena did. Hmmph.
-- ...Is Mick saying that Randy Orton has the hots for him?
-- Oh, wait. Instead, he's refuting Ort's coward-accusations with the story about Randy going AWOL. Which is a good point. And, OUCH, Mick. That's sort of pseudo-personal, isn't it.
-- ...Fuck, I do *not* need a muse like Orton. MAH GAWD.
-- Randy doesn't even come out to respond, instead talking to Mick over the Tron. He calls Mick to Catering, where someone (TFD!) will of course jump him.
-- We follow Mick, who probably should have brought a map, as he makes numerous turns and asks several people how to get to Catering. Once he arrives, Flair and Batista are naturally there, and everyone tells Dave to put Mick through a table. He complies because he's a scary fucker, and Mick coughs like he has a punctured lung.
-- commercials. Ah, EuroTrip: Lana + Dawn = total fandom explosion. Also, the Starburst people are almost Randaling across the beach. They're the Berserkers.
-- Moments Ago, Orton bitchslapped a prone Foley. Wuss.
-- ONE OF A KIND! Hey, look, RVD still works here too.
-- He and Hurri should have their own SuperGeek fed. I'd watch it.
-- Remember back in ECW, when RVD was like God? (And not like Shawn is...well, not *entirely* like Shawn is...) Duuuuuuude. What became of that?
-- commercials. Did he just say "prideful"?
-- I never realized how low-key dorky Shawn's moving-pic is. Hee.
-- Back with what's actually happening: I think some guy tried to slap Orton's ass. As would I.
-- Okay, JR just said Jerry and Bisch "have a relationship". EW. And no.
-- I want to point out that there's a pair of signs pointing downward that read Pimp and Ho. Heh.
-- Jay: "We all know why Van Dam looks so confused, and it's *not* a kick to the head."
-- Sign: "Got Egypt". I can't even make up a context to that.
-- Ort lets RVD do all the work (including a 5-Star on Booker), and then steals the pin, bring out his boys. OMG HE'S IGNORING HIM. LOVAH'S QUARRRRREL.
-- Foley wanders out, Evo beats up everyone -- TFD appears to have a particular hate-on for RVD, but I can't manufacture a clever reason.
-- And that's it. Bleh.