Raw, 2/16/04
(where Christian is my idol, the Mafia beats a dead horse, and Canada's Urge To Kill rises.)
-- Oh mah Gawd, the crowd was late on the boo! For *shame*. ...Unless it was the sound guy's fault. Eh.
-- Package: Shawn angsts, and Austin tells him to DO SOMETHING *ABOUT* IT, causing Shawn to steal the contract. Bischoff just looks confused.
-- The ATV of Chaos appears in the opening now. I just thought you should know.
-- We open with our recommended daily allowance of fat.
-- Jay: "Look, see? He's wearing baggy shirts now to hide the fat!"
-- ...It is a nice color, though. I think Dave had a shirt like that at one point. Hmmm.
-- Hunter: "I've got Chris Benoit breathing down my neck..." How did he manage that? Was he standing on a box?
-- Wait...I could easily make that a fat joke instead of a short joke...hang on a second.
-- (*ahem*) How did he manage that? I wouldn't think he'd be able to get within three feet of your neck. Haw!
-- Nah...the first version was better.
-- Trips says that this whole bit of title shenanigans goes back to Wrestlemania X, when Yokozuna defended the title multiple times and then lost it. OMG! He's trying to bulk up to be YOKOZUNA!!!
-- You know...Trips should eat at Cozy's.
-- At least his hair looks okay today.
-- Bisch offers to replace Shawn v. Benoit with Trips vs. someone for the title, so that the winner goes to WM and faces the remaining guy. I think someone winds up getting screwed regardless, but it is an interesting solution. Bisch also manages to get a cheap pop. Hee.
-- Hunter asks the crowd what they want, echoing the cheap pop that Eric just got, but in a dorky, fake voice. He then, of course, proclaims that he doesn't give a shit what the crowd wants. Which we've all known is true.
-- Hunter: "I do what I want to do! When I want to do it!"
me: "And eat what I want to eat!"
-- He gets back on the WM subject, bringing out Benoit.
-- Benny steals Trips' mic and cheapshots him. Ha! That's what *I* would have done.
-- The shirt flies open. OMG I'M BLIND.
-- Benoit gets on the Crossface, and Evo enters -- hey, they *do* still follow Trips! How about that.
-- Hunter growls. The camera zooms to a closeup of his face, thus mercifully cutting out his distracting, disturbing manboobs.
-- commercials. I keep trying to find an appropriate fat joke for Hunter's Raw commercial, and I can't think of one. Alas. Maybe I'm just too upset that they're no longer showing the JeriPorn commercial.
-- Also, I *want* the Monday Night Wars DVD. Ah, the nostalgia. The pain. The Evil!Hotness.
-- Mafia, backstage. Hunter says they've got All Night (and I break into song). Orton totally avoids looking at Batista, but his hand lingers a couple of times. Just so you know.
-- Our next match is RVD/Booker T vs. Flair/Batista. You know, it's really odd how the IC and tag belts seem to be interchangeable on this show.
(-- Apparently JR agrees, as he winds up referring to it as an "Intercontinental -- World Heavyweight -- Tag Team Belt match", or something similarly confused. Heh.)
-- Enter Mafia. I think I've stopped trying to figure out their pairings. They're just all doing it. Don't think about this too long -- some of the imagery could scar your mind.
-- Jay points out that Rob semi-intentionally shakes his ass at the crowd. Tart.
-- I think Dave may have gotten a haircut. I can't really tell.
-- TFD accidentally rolls onto Ort's arm (ouch), they help each other up, and then *bolt* in opposite directions so that RVD crashes to the ground between them. Heh.
-- commercials. Cena intends to SMACK our crew. I like this commercial because he doesn't completely hide his dorkiness. He's cute for a manwhore. Dammit.
-- According to JR, that was *not* slapstick bolting in opposite directions, and Orton actually shoved Batista out of harm's way. *Oh*. And awww.
-- Hey, I forgot Booker was in this match.
-- Booker drops Batista on his head (Jay, Jerry, and I agree, so it's *obviously* a technical wrestling observation) -- Jay states that it's "revenge for all the times Batista almost killed someone."
-- Ort pulls out Booker for a Big Cheat, and Mick runs out to put the Mandible Claw on Randy.
-- Dave TOTALLY DITCHES THE MATCH to help him, allowing RVD to 5-Star Flair and win the titles. I'd be happy, if I thought this was going to hold up. But I am cynical. Woe.
-- JR (re: the run-in): "Mick Foley *shocked* the *world* by --"
Jay (not even letting him finish): "Yes, Mick Foley SHOCKED THE WORLD."
-- Or Dave, at least. He certainly looks shocked. He also looks like he is already picturing Hunter biting his head off backstage...
-- BEFORE GOING ON TO DEVOUR HIS ENTIRE ENORMOUS BODY.
-- commercials
-- To celebrate Presidents' Day, they give us a gratuitous clip of FDR. Uh-huh. Also, JR states that this is a Presidents' Day that Rob & Booker will never forget. By God, it's a Presidents' Day *miracle*!
-- Clips from NWO. Brock calls Goldberg a bitch, which brings him into the ring. The SCREEN EXPLODES (someone in the production truck just got fired), Gb gets Brock, then gets arrested, and Michael Cole says he *deserves* to go to jail -- none of which stops him from showing up again in the main event to help Eddie Cheat 2 Win. (Go Eddie! Win one for The Radicalz.)
-- Austin and Bisch watch this clips package from backstage. Austin sums everything up, and gives Bisch a deadline of the end of the night to figure out what to do about the main event at WM.
-- Randy then accosts Bisch in the hallway to warn him that he intends to beat the shit out of Mick. Bisch says fine, but it's non-sanctioned (ooooh, we gonna have a throwdown, that's right, we gonna get SERIOUS). He looks extremely stressed out.
-- OMG. SEXY BITCHES IN GAY OUTFITS.
-- Ceej tells Jay the obvious, i.e. that he loves Trish (in case we didn't get this months ago, thanks), refers to himself as "hopeless romantic, hello!" (*grin*), and produces a rose, which he says he's going to give to her as a belated Valentine's present, and tell her How He Feels. (I get stuck back on the single rose. Chris. I know you make more money than this. Cheap bitch.)
-- Jay is all, "Um, no, don't." Ceej is all, "Yeah, but I'm gonna." He gives Jay the rose to hold. I'm all, "OMG he gave Jay a rose! This is like Season One Smallville!!!" Jay stares at the rose and plots evilly.
-- I want Ceej's new shirt, btw...ideally with him in it, but I'm not picky.
-- commercials
-- Sting O' The Night: Ceej saves Bubblegum!Trish, giving himself and Kane something other than coffee to fight about.
-- Jerry points out that Kane doesn't have flowers for Jericho. Um. I'd hope not.
-- Sign: "Ditch Da Bitch Y2J!"
-- Jay: "If we don't see coffee in this match I'll be very disappointed." (See, it's not just me.)
-- Jerry: "Kane's the type who, if he gave someone a heart for Valentine's Day, it'd still be beating." Heh. I like that.
-- TICKER OF DOOM ALERT!
-- Sell, you sexy blond hunk of man! Sell your cute little ass off!
-- ...Sorry.
-- The ref stops the match, as CJ sells to the point where he can no longer stand, and Kane tosses him out of the ring, and into the post for good measure, giving him even *more* to sell.
-- Kane grabs the mic (this would all be worthwhile if he yelled "Yo yo yo let me speak on dis"), says that CJ should have learned some kind of lesson (yeah, PICK JAY), and remains firmly in denial about Mark's status among the living. Because there are so frequently fatalities in Buried Alive matches, you know.
-- Kane looks afraid to let out his own pyro. Finally he does without incident, and heads up the ramp, indifferent to the expected attack by Mark's blinding purple lights. Angered by this indifference, it proceeds to rain on him. The rain in Spain stays mainly on Kane.
-- I wonder if that splashed on JR and King. Heh.
-- commercials. Critics agree that Stripperella is on Spike TV. Yup.
-- Random Reaganness. O...kay. Orton comes out, and JR informs us that Ceej is headed to the famous "local medical center" (leaving Jay free to mack on Trish behind his back, of course).
-- Orton says it wouldn't be fair to fight Mick at WM because Mick would just be unable to handle TEH SEXAY. Or something like that, without the sexy part.
-- He also mentions that he's only a year older than me. Rrowr. Come to Jen. (*shakes head*) Sorry.
-- Oh, and he calls Mick his bitch again. Dude, why would you *want* Mick to be your bitch?
-- Mick looks...beat up.
-- I shouldn't want to leave now to get chocolate, right? But I know this isn't going to end well, so why not? HUH?
-- And, it *does* end as expected -- Evo beatdown on Mick.
-- I love how Ric never really does anything in these things other than cheap shots and chops and kicks and things. He's just here for immoral support. Hee.
-- OMG I THINK DAVE JUST SLAPPED RANDY'S ASS.
-- ...It's amazing, the shit I get excited over.
-- This is possibly the longest televised beatdown since WCW.
-- I was afraid Flair was going to steal Mick's pants. Because NO.
-- Randy (to Mick, saying what we're all thinking): "STAY! DOWN! ... STAY! DOWN!"
-- Eventually, he does. Well. The point of this segment was what? WHAT?! (Other than annoying the shit out of everyone in this room.)
-- commercials.
Movies on Demand chick: "Don't miss this movie."
Jay: "I can and will. Asshole."
-- Moments Ago, stupid shit happened. During The Break, Mick got stretchered out.
-- Shawn/Ben backstage. Benoit: "You have *no idea* what I want to do to you right now." Hee.
-- Jackie/Stacy, in Bisch's office. Jackie stands up, wearing some atrocious white fuzzy thing with red hearts, and proclaims, "Look at this if you want to talk about class!" Eric just barely keeps from laughing, and pawns them off on Hugh Hefner.
-- Austin shows up again to annoy him, and plug the MNW DVD. He reminds us that Bisch stated he could kick Vince's ass, and for the first time in I don't know how long, Bisch completely lights up with The Glee of Evil.
-- Bisch (re: Vince): "He's old enough to be somebody's *grandfather*." Communal hee and aww! BabyMac shoutout!
-- Vince, of course, shows up over Eric's shoulder. He says that next week he's going to make a WM announcement, and then kick Eric's ass. Austin pats Bisch on the back. A lot. Bisch looks lost. It's fucking *sick* that I want to hug him.
-- I mean, for half a second there he was *happy*! Is that so *wrong*?????
-- ....I'm going to hell.
-- commercials. Mmm, Club Chalupa.
-- JFK. These clips are just...out of place.
-- SparklyRed!Trish and HotBumblebee!Victoria are fighting SatinBustier!Molly and SilverGladiator!Jazz.
-- Jerry points out that Ceej is in the hospital and Trish is out here smiling. OMG JERRY IS RIGHT (and I never thought I'd say that).
-- JR counters that if she wasn't here and all smiley-happy, Bisch would probably fire her. Which, touche.
-- Ticker 2.0. JR makes a belabored Britney Spears joke that I don't quite catch.
-- You know, Victoria is *almost* wearing shorts. (*clears throat*)
-- Hey, Vic wins clean! Go her! Trish is all, "...Yeah."
-- Drew comes out and goes after Stevie (is this some Epic Heat Feud that we don't know about?), Trish goes after Drew (WHY????) which goes as well as you'd expect, and Jay goes after Drew going after Trish. Or something.
-- Jay then hits on Trish, subtly. She looks confused. Jay looks hot. Drew still looks like a Roger. Jay (the other one) points out that the last two also look eerily like each other, so by extension, Jay (no, the *other* one) also looks like a Roger. Hmmm.
-- commercials
-- Wrestlemania Recall: The Gimmick Battle Royal! God bless it. In its extremely crackheaded glory.
-- Trish says she's gonna go see Chris (FINALLY), and Jay says that he "already has a car set up". What does that even mean? Did he build it from scratch, or is it just running in the parking lot waiting for him to jump in it?
-- He then goes into the locker room and retrieves the rose, giving it to Trish. She gets flustered. I *scream*, "YOU FICKLE BITCH!" at the both of them.
-- Importantly, though, when Trish said she was going to see Ceej, Jay practically *jumped* on it. Heh. Also, he was all sly with his wording when he gave Trish the rose, so that later, if need be, he can tell Suspicious!Ceej that he never tried to take *credit* for giving her the rose. Ah, Christian, you sneaky little bastard. My love for you is vast like Canada.
-- I don't know what the fuck that was supposed to mean.
-- Recap package from earlier. Enter Shawn. Sign: "Bring back DX".
-- commercials...
Jay (re: antidrug ad): "See what that commercial is sayin? If a friend of yours is drinking or doing drugs..." (*long pause*) (*Austin voice*) "DO SOMETHING *ABOUT* IT!"
-- One wonders why Bisch doesn't just take the easy way out and make this a #1 Contender's match or something.
-- Shawn corner-bumps so violently that he flies onto the ring apron and has to roll back in.
-- Oh mah Gawd this angle has made Shawn a semi-heel. CRAZY.
-- Shawn gets thrown out of the ring, and takes the time to fix his hair while semi-conscious. That's *my* Shawn.
-- I think there were commercials here. I don't know, there were commercials somewhere.
-- Benoit hits the Snap Suplex, and a bunch of guys jump up from their seats out of SHEER JOY. (Or just because they're on camera. But I like to think it's the former.)
-- Jay: "I think Benoit should have worn pink and black tonight, just to screw with Shawn Michaels' head."
-- Also Jay (re: those guys): "This time they were excited about the abdominal stretch. These guys appreciate WRESTLING."
-- Hey...this match is technical and violent at the same time. It's... (wait for it) FUCKING TECHNICAL WRESTLING (TM).
-- Jay and I yell "MAIN EVENT SLEEPER" at the same time. It's amazing how I get conditioned to do these things without ever having read a single one of those recaps myself. Heh.
-- JR says that Shawn's chest looks like hamburger meat. Dammit, you already *used* that metaphor tonight! Come up with a different one!
-- ...Although, I bet that Shawn is *Restaurant Quality* hamburger meat. Not just something carved off a Government Mule. Eh? Eh? (*gives up*) You're fired.
-- Shawn may or may not be wearing his Screwjob Tights. According to Jay. But now you know.
-- JR says something like, "Did these two men just crack heads?", which both me *and* my mom hear as, "Are these two men just crackheads?" Heh.
-- JR also says that both men are challenging their manhood, but is caught up in something else before explaining how that is so.
-- Benoit puts Shawn in the Sharpshooter. Jay: "Shawn's like, 'Oh my God, Bret Hart really *is* coming back to haunt me!'"
-- I thought JR just called Chris "petite". Yeah.
-- NOOOOO IT'S TRIPS (the opposite of petite). IN A TANKTOP. MY EYES.
-- Actually...the tanktop isn't so bad. It covers pretty much everything. Whew.
-- Nevertheless, Benoit is similarly distracted by Hunter's Fat Ass (like an eclipse, one cannot look directly at it) and walks into a Sweet Chin Music. Ah well. Trips helps Shawn up and then 'Grees him.
-- In screams the ATV of Chaos, which almost runs over Trips, and Austin announces the triple threat for WM. (Dammit, I was hoping they'd go with the Yoko thing. OLD SCHOOL REPRESENT.) Trips throws a fat -- I mean, fit.
-- That's all!