Raw Recap, 2/17/03
(in which Bisch kicks some ass, everyone tries to keep the brutha down, and the Canadian boys enact a fantasy that we've *all* had at one point or another)

-- World! One! Leader! Leader world! World one!

-- ....Oh, no, wait, they don't do that anymore. My bad.

-- You know, I heard this song open with its thing about getting the guns, and I immediately thought of Jeffy giving guns to children. Heh.

-- Sea of signs. Okay, "Testicle Fan Club" is just *stupid*. I mean, if you're a Test fan, then you're a Testicle, granted, so you should just say that. If you're in the Testicle Fan Club...well, that's a whole other can of worms. ...Er...so to speak.

-- The show's been on for like two minutes and they've already confused the hell out of me by announcing that RVD was fighting one-on-one, and then sending out Kane after him. I was all, "RVD vs. Kane? *Quoi*?"

-- Ooh! It's RVD vs. Storm! ECDub! ECDub!

-- Jay promptly forgets that I'm recapping, and so briefly, Kevin Richardson appears on our screen and talks about crazy fans. Huh.

-- Lance smashes RVD's head into the guardrail *hard*. RVD thinks, "DUDE!"

-- Some guy is dressed like Hulk, trying to get the crowd behind him. Dude. He totally thinks he's Stone Cold Guy. I know that guy. I *like* that guy. You ain't that guy.

-- Right about now, someone should hold up one of those signs that says "WRESTLING".

-- JR: "The Big Red Machine and Rob Van Dam. They've been red-hot as of late." Technically, I'm pretty sure Kane's hot *all* the time. What with the pyro and all.

-- Before he does the Rolling Thunder, Rob makes this "a-HA!" face that's just too funny.

-- At the end of the match, Earl inexplicably raises Kane's hand along with RVD's, as if this was a tag match. Actually, I think Kane's just there to hang on to Rob, to keep him from accidentally walking into the pyro and getting *really* fried.

-- (*points at Jeffy and Shawn talking backstage*) Ho-HO! The Summit of Gay!

-- In this segment, Jeffy looks like a human, and manages to piss off Bisch. Hee.

-- Oh, and by the way, fashionwise, Shawn's a big spaz. The blazer over the t-shirt...not happening.

-- commercials. Speaking of fashion mistakes...hey, it's Steph! Wearing a white miniskirt with a black suit. O...kay.

-- I think for the first time in his life, Jay envies Carrot Top. Heh.

-- Oh, look, there's the Nassau Raw. We're *not* going. Cry!

-- Anyway. The show's back, and here comes the boss of us morons. I like his coat.

-- He points out that he's still the GM. I flip him off. Not because of any particular ill-will towards him, just because he has committed the grave sin of not being Shane McMahon.

-- Dude. This crowd is *so* easily manipulated that it's just *wrong*. They hear any mention of Austin and start screaming like idiots.

-- JR: "Bischoff's jerking the chains of these fans." Oh, they so deserve it. Cause, you know, they're idiots.

-- Anyway, Bisch is filled with love for Non-Val (black eye and all) and promptly reinstates him. Wow, last week accomplished a *lot*.

-- He also complains about the crowd turning on him when he was struggling to not get fired. Um...doesn't the crowd have to be *with* you to turn on you?

-- He just booked Vitamin C vs. Jeffy and Shawn. Eep. Head...exploded.

-- Oh, and it's no DQ. This causes Jay to immediately predict that Jeffy's gonna turn on Shawn. Seems like a fish-in-a-barrel thing to me.

-- The Duds are suspended, by the way (again), and Bubba yells about it in a voice that's *way* New Yawk.

-- Ack! Bisch's picking on Spike! *Don't* pick on Spike! (*cry*) Not cool.

-- JR says something about Spike being $1.50. I'm not sure how to comment on that.

-- Bisch starts screaming about his black belt, saying that we don't know. Oh, I *know*, kid. *I* know.

-- He also says that he'll be in one corner, "and in the other, will be my opponent!" Well...*yeah*....that's generally how it works.

-- The opponent in question is, naturally, JR. Jerry tries desperately to get (a suddenly silent) JR to react to this. JR's all, "I'm trying to emote here, you chatty bastard!"

-- commercials

-- The Pink People plan to reason with Jazz. If by "reason with" you mean "attempt to threaten and fail miserably".

-- Goddammit, there's the "dominant female" thing again. Jesus Christ. Must *every* third women's feud include that phrase in their promos?

-- After Jazz verbally smacks the P2 down, Vicky hugs her belt sadly, afraid that it'll be snatched away from her very hands. Awwww.

-- There are no words for the scariness that is Stevie's tights.

-- So Jazz and Vicky are teaming up tonight? I suspect that Jazz isn't going to want to let Vic fight much. Heh.

-- As this is going on, JR + King are talking about the fact that Shawn's baggage has been lost and he doesn't have wrestling gear with him. So, wait, he's going to wrestle nekkid? Sweet!

-- ....No, wait, that would be the *old* Shawn. Never mind.

-- Awww, Jazz tagged herself in before Victoria got to do her cool move. Dammit.

-- Jackie's goes into house-afire mode, but it really just looks like she's got overconfidence issues.

-- Jay: "Ah, the days when the DDT was a finisher." At least it beats the Deadly Snap Suplex.

-- JR (as Jazz wastes everyone after the match): "This crowd is...stunned!" I guess that's the optimist's way of looking at it...

-- Jazz laughs at Victoria's bitchslap. It wasn't *that* bad. I mean, she didn't get the neck, or anything.

-- Quick shot of backstage, where Booker's going to give us an interview. And apparently, Terri has stolen Tori's DNA. Stay tuned.

-- commercials. Raw and Smackdown present No Way Out, and the Starburst logo spins angrily in the corner, pissed that the brand extension stole its thunder.

-- According to Jay, he's seen five seconds of Joe Millionaire and already wants to hurt people.

-- JR: "We're back live, yes, that's snow, ladies and gentlemen!"
Memo to self: bitchslap JR.

-- Recap of Charred!Goldust. Hmm. Maybe Terri's wearing clothes in some sort of show of solidarity.

-- Booker tells us that since getting fried, Goldie "ain't right. Not that he ever was right." Heh. And awww.

-- Backstage, the Pseudo-Horsemen make jokes about Charred!Goldie. Hunter thinks he's funny. He's not. Randy's was okay, though.

-- Hey, Hunner just told Batista to kill Steiner. Sweet. That'd get him back on my good side.

-- Tribute package for Curt. Which I do appreciate, honest, it's just really weird to show an actual dead person right after a faux-electrocution angle.

-- Awww, the package has all the old-school sports promos. I remember watching those as a kid. That was just cool.

-- commercials. Stacker 2 wants us to believe that drivers compete to hang out with Big Show. I'm still trying to figure it out, too.

-- Teddy and his new boy come out. Sadly, this forces Jay to check back on Joe Millionaire.

-- Dude. This is so cheesy romance movie. Seriously.

-- Hey, *there's* Raw. Welcome back.

-- OOH! AL!!! Kick the Mack's ass!!! Keep the brutha down!!!!!!

-- Er, wait...I'm *not* Hyatte...ignore that last part.

-- I just want y'all to know that I claim the name "Rodney Mack" as a personal shoutout. It warms my SHU-obsessed, TTQ-writing heart.

-- This match gets both the Ticker O' Doom *and* King and JR talking about their own shit. If that's not a sign of something I don't know what is.

-- (*points at The Mack*) OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED AL! YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Ooh, Vitamin C! Jay (the other one)'s got a dorky hat. And he's licking his lips at Ceej. Hee.

-- Oh My God. He called him "C-Man". (*passes out from the dorktasticness*)

-- J: "Girls have been screaming for *years* when I take my shirt off!"
C: "Why wouldn't they? It's obvious to them that you're one *sexy beast*!" (*dies*)

-- Awwww, Ceej threw in a Curt shoutout at the end. I heart him.

-- commercials

-- Ahhhh, C+C....theirluvissotrue.

-- Jerry's having way too much fun advising JR for his match later.

-- JR (re: Jeffy): "I'll be honest, I can't figure this kid out." Heh.

-- Hey, you know...*Shawn* was late, and *he* gets to fight. Oppression!!! Glass ceiling!!! VIVA LA KLIQ!!!!!!!!!!!

-- ....Sorry about that. Slight verbal aneurysm.

-- By the way, I've become convinced that, as far as team dynamics go, Shawn is Obi-Wan and Jeffy's Anakin. Think about it.

-- Jay: "I think the heroin is starting to kick in."

-- Ceej pulls out handcuffs. I promptly pass out.

-- There's a really good Vitamin C joke in here somewhere and I just can't find it.

-- I think CJ just put the key in his pants. Hee. Just....hee.

-- Oh, and by the way, Ceej slapped Cuffed!Shawn like a girl and is now proceeding to undress him. I just thought you should know that.

-- In the ring, Jay's yelling about his sexy-beastness. That *so* deserves a sign.

-- The key winds up on the ring apron somehow, and Shawn manages to pull it over from half the width of the apron with his foot. Damn, but that man is good.

-- Jeff does something impressive. How impressive, you might ask?
me: "Oh my God, that was...like *Jeff*!"

-- Want Shawn/Jeff fic. Want it nowwwwwwwwwww.

-- Bisch v. JR match graphic. I make fun of them for not having moving pictures like everyone else. Ha! Muggles.

-- commercials. Jay (re: Carrot Top): "Oh, Hunter's gonna hold him down now!"

-- Backstage, Ceej trashes a lot of property, and Jay fails to calm him down. Oh, by the way, I want fic for them, too. Just thought I'd add that.

-- AHHHHHHH! MY BOY! MY BOY'S BACK!

-- Sorry. Freaked out a little bit there. (*clears throat*)

-- He's fighting Harvard. Hee. I met *both* of them this week.

-- So technically, I'd already met both of them before...once on the same day no less...but that's not the point.

-- Okay, permit me to watch wrestling now. (Hey, it happens sometimes. Shut up.)

-- ....Hee. I hugged him.

-- .....Sorry.

-- Vault *over* the ropes, into a 'rana to the floor. Damn, how I love that man.

-- Oh, Chris Harvard is a tall motherfucker, by the way.

-- Jerry: "You wear a black belt too, don't you, JR."
JR: "I don't know, I can't see it."

-- Whee, he won! That never happens!
....Okay, that never happens while I'm here to see it!

-- Oh my Lord...Karate!Bisch is kind of attractive. If any of you ever make *any* comments to me on this statement...I will deny it and shoot myself in the head.

-- Non-Val's motivating Eric's workout by wearing a cowboy hat and yelling, "STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!" Ha!

-- Bisch accidentally clips the edge of one of the pads a little too near NV's wrist, and NV abruptly cancels the rest of practice. Heh.

-- commercials

-- The No Way Out theme is just kinda...*odd* for a theme.

-- Jay (re: the handicap match): "Now *here* comes a slaughter."

-- Goddammit, I kinda love the 3 Minute Warning music. I know it's wrong, and I can't help it.

-- We spend the match trying to figure out how I'm going to get to school tomorrow. So if you want to know the specifics of Spike's asskicking, I can't help you.

-- Rico gets the pin, and so we get to hear The Gay Music as well. Whee!

-- commercials. You know, the guy in the GameCube commercial looks kind of like Nicky, only after years of really heavy drugs.
(I was going to say "and way too many donuts", but I think there are times when Nicky's got that part covered for us. Ahem.)

-- They're running through the NWO (heh) matches. Including: Hogan v. Rock....*II*! Note that HHH/Steiner doesn't get a Roman Numerical distinction like that.

-- A sad sign of Adam's career stall: as they show the graphic for the six-man tag...
me: (looking up, surprised) "Oh, hey, Edge!"
Yes, I'd forgotten he was even *booked on the show*.

-- The Matt/Shan graphic is kyuuuuuuuuuuuuute.

-- Terri looks frightened by Steiner. As she should be.

-- Jay (blinks): "*JR and Bischoff* are in the main event?"
me: "Think of it this way -- Hunter *isn't*."

-- commercials

-- We spot the most ghetto SUCKA sign ever, as they don't actually have the last A on a sign -- instead, it's on someone's shirt. That's just sad.

-- So my mind has wandered (yes, already, in the space of the entrances) and I've formed a highly random theory that Jay is the E+C member with the real charisma. No, think about it.

-- Granted, as Adam's supposed to be carrying *Albert* to 4-star matches, I think that it's possible that Jay just has more to work with.

-- Oh, the Nose is here. Sadly, I have to cheer him over Steiner. Bastard.

-- Y'all don't mind if I try to write fic rather than watch this match, right? Didn't think so. Thanks.

-- JR: "Steiner -- nothing but brute force and power."
me: "You say that like it's a *good* thing."

-- Dude. I just totally heard whatever they just said about Randy as "His future is brighter than anyone else in this ring!" Not that I'd necessarily *argue*, but...

-- Oh, we hit the famed Main Event Sleeper. Jay: "That's put away some of the best! ....Okay, just Jeff Hardy...does he count?"

-- JR just said Booker was electrifying. Now that's just wrong. Think of how that made poor Charred!Goldie feel!

-- Unless he's trying to say that Booker was somehow behind electrocuting Goldust. My God! It's a conspiracy!!!!!

-- Booker pinned Hunter!!!!!! BOOYA! DAMN THE MAN, MAH BRUTHA! DAMN HIM TO HADES!!!

-- Jerry gives JR a peptalk (granted, he's been doing so all night), this time proclaiming, "Do it for us!" And I inadvertently think, "Who do they think they are, Tazz and Cole?"

-- commercials

-- Jerry *hates* Coach, dude. He's the *new* Amoral Little Whore. Heh.

-- Okay, I just yelled, "Go, Bischoff!" I think my soul has died.

-- Bisch makes Raw a Gallagher show, using only his feet. Hee. I wonder if the front row got a tarp.

-- Oh, by the way, he and Non-Val? *So* screwing. My *God*.

-- The bell rings and Bisch makes like the Karate Kid. Bwa!

-- JR takes a kick through a (*cough*foam*cough*) cinderblock to the head, and Jerry runs down to the ring to save him. *After* he's already been brutally knocked unconscious with the cinderblock, mind you. Dumbass.

-- Dammit, Coach called it a "hollow victory". Assclown. (*t00bs off in search of old links*)

-- God help me...I think part of me *loves* Bisch. I...I don't know what to say. Is there a 12-step for this? Why don't I want to be cured? (*cries tears of shame*) I can change!

-- Coach (re: Austin): "He is un, unhappy."
me: "Say what?" (in head: "What? What? What?")

-- Jay gets violently angry with the end of the show, and I'm out, *way* out, like the entirety of the Jeff/Shawn/Jericho/Christian match.