Raw, 3/8/04
(where CJay limps along on its last legs, Rocky is doing a lot of crack, and Kane takes out a box.)
-- We open, sans missile pyro, with a casket in the middle of the ring, which I guess we are supposed to assume contains Mark's exhumed body. JR states that he never remembers starting the show like this before. Even in the golden days of Katie Vick.
-- JR is about to say that Kane is walking to the ring with a purpose, and the pyro mercifully cuts him off. THANK YOU, PYRO GUY.
-- They keep cutting back from whatever theme music they need to play to the spooky music they started with. It's actually kind of funny, even though they don't mean it to be. Heh.
-- Jerry: "Do you smell --"
me: "What The Rock is cookin? ...OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A SHEEP."
-- Kane knocks over the casket, and before I can make a Clerks reference, the Urn tumbles out. Kane is upset by this (you see, he's against cremation...for it leaves nothing to hold on those cold nights...woe) and takes it out on the casket.
-- They make a point of stating that this is AN EMPTY CASKET. See, Mark, he's like Jesus in a way.
-- Kane throws the urn out of the ring. Oh, he's fucked now.
-- He then tells Mark to keep the casket, because he's going to need it. Um, that'll be hard, since you just destroyed it. Dipshit.
-- Kane: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, it's back to the grave for you, and for good this time."
Jay: "That doesn't rhyme!" ...Apparently we thought Kane was going to freestyle. Kane vs. Cena -- the ultimate in battle raps.
-- The gong sounds, and the ring rises up on hydraulics, bouncing around a few times. OMG, it's not Mark after all! It's Eddie Guerrero, and he is PISSED!
-- commercials. Figure!Ceej just went through that table headfirst, man. That's not on.
-- Slam of the Week: Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Sprinting like he's Shane-O-Mac. I miss Shane.
-- Jindrak/Cade and La Resistance vs. BookeRVD, who now have a badly combined entrance, and the Duds.
-- Clip from Heat: Bubba pretends he's Kurt Angle, and D-Von loses his shirt. OMG NO.
-- Sign: "RVD is H-O-T". I am just not used to that sort of thing in the crowd.
-- TICKER OF DOOM! A really short one, actually -- it disappears as I'm writing it down.
-- Jerry (re: J+C): "These guys are special."
JR: "They're special."
me: "So special. They're gonna have some of your attention."
Jay: "Yeah, as soon as they get some charisma."
-- Speaking of which, we've decided Jindrak is totally carrying this team personality-wise. The ball is in your court now, Cade.
-- In a hallway, Jeri talks to Trish on his cell. Theirluvistrue. Jay attacks him from behind (jealous).
-- Then Jay, who's wearing a Trash and Vaudeville shirt btw, grabs the phone and tells Trish, "I just left your *boyfriend*" (he *spits* it out...great times) "in the same position you're used to being in --" (WAIT FOR IT) "-- flat on his back." We "ohhhh". I resist the urge to make a joke about Jay putting Ceej on his back.
-- commercials
-- During The Break, Jay ran like a bitch to a waiting car. But *who* was driving? WHO???
-- I miss Adam, man.
-- Jerry is delivered a pizza in a Wrestlemania box, for no apparent reason.
-- NewGuy asks Booker if he intends to lose, which goes over about as well as you'd imagine. Then RVD gestures gratuitously to himself for the camera. It's like ECW all over again.
-- I kinda like NewGuy. He seems like the bastard child of Lucas and Gideon Yago, and I'm shallow.
-- They give us the short version of "Rock This Is Your Life". Then Rocky wanders backstage and meets who he refers to as his "greatest nemesis"...
-- The Hurricane, naturally. Hee! The two of them. I have much love for them.
-- Shane loves Rocky up 'cause he's a face now. Rosey is outed as a Lindsay Lohan fan. Rocky points out that Rosey is the Grimace (Nothing can kill the Grimace!!!) and Shane points out that, with his goatee, Rocky now looks like Coach.
-- Oh, hey, I figured out where the famous missing ham went. It sprouted legs and a goatee and started making movies.
-- Anyway, Rocky shoves Coach around, pep-talks Hurri, and screams a random cheap pop to the SKY! Good ol' Rocky. Crackhead.
-- commercials
-- I leave the room, and when I come back, Batista singlehandedly beats the living shit out of Hurricane and Rosey, to no one's surprise.
-- WHY MUST YOU BE SO SELF-INVOLVED, RANDY? HE'S REACHING OUT, DAMMIT!
-- ...I know...I have problems.
-- Somebody had a sign that ended with "is fat". I think we all know what I hope it says.
-- commercials
-- Last week: Benoit/Shawn were all ME FIRST I WIN, except that they didn't. Also, Shawn was "crucified", according to JR. See, now they're just making it too easy. I think I'll just skip that.
-- Matt Fact: Matt never irons his clothes. (Shame on you, fashionista.)
-- Matt Fact: Matt occasionally cheats on his diet. So basically, he's me, except hot. And male. And from North Carolina. Okay, so he's not me at all. You're fired.
-- Benoit's just like, "Um, no." Matt yells at him that he's "V-ONE-AH!", but it's probably not best to pretend to be Trips against someone who's going to fight Trips.
-- Proving this, Benoit swiftly makes Matt his bitch. As if you expected anything else.
-- Also, someone holds up a sign saying that they're Jay, which officially makes too many Jays for this recap to juggle.
-- commercials
-- JR interviews Benoit in the ring, talking about this futile fight of his on Sunday. This of course brings out Shawn (because God forbid some Canadian guy gets the attention).
-- You know, I wish Shawn and Benny had some chemistry. That would make all this more entertaining.
-- ...Eyes above the waist, Jen. OMG NO. ....I really wonder why he hasn't killed me yet.
-- They get in a decent personal-space-stare, and Hunter is of course jealous, and comes out to chew the scenery (having already taken out Craft Services).
-- Trips is all, dammit, it's not fair. Et cetera. I can't think of any good jokes anymore. It's like beating a fat horse.
-- Wait, I got one -- he puts the heavy in heavyweight champion.
-- Hunter talks about his edge. I choose to take this as an Adam shoutout. I make my own fun.
-- commercials. There's something incredibly dirty about the phrase, "Are you sniffing my wrapper?"
-- Mick wanders backstage, talks to Spike, and cheap pops.
-- See, I'm always happy when Amy comes out, because it means I get to hear her music.
-- I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE NEW BODY PAINT.
-- Anyway, she's fighting Molly. ASSKICKING. Also, Ticker 2.0.
-- Lita's weird head scissors makes my brain hurt.
-- Molly cheats mercilessly and beats up Amy. Vicky comes out in a O_O outfit and *throws* Molly out of the ring.
-- Recap of adventures with Vince and the ATV of Chaos.
-- commercials
-- Package on Brock/Goldberg/Austin. See, Goldberg was the New Austin, and Brock was the New Goldberg, so does that somehow make Brock the Super-New-Austin?
-- Dude, this arena allows beer bottles? Drunken brawl!
-- It's so sad, Austin without his ATVoC. Damn you Brock!!!
-- Austin threatens to mix liquors and then go steal his wheels back. Yo, if he does it drunk, *that's* TV.
-- He then walks into the camera. Drunken bastard.
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Jay puts Trish in the Walls, baby.
-- The saddest thing about this angle is the fact that Chris still hasn't told Trish, as if she doesn't already know.
-- For once, the insane-sounding "ASK HIM!"s are *not* coming from Ceej. The difference is that Stevie realizes that it is in fact two words.
-- Jay comes out to Trish's music, distracting Ceej so Stevie can win. I'm sure there's psychosexual subtext here, but I'm not sure what it is.
-- Hall of Fame package. IT'S LIKE MY CHILDHOOD. Jay (no, the other one) points out that the first segment would have been more entertaining if Pete Rose had been in the casket.
-- commercials
-- Bisch's office. Stacy and Jackie, clad in pink and black, randomly break into Milkshake. TE!John (who, this week, is Johnny Spade) comes in.
-- Jay, marveling at TEJ's (coincidentally also pink and black) shirt: "Stop ripping off Raven's old clothes!"
-- TEJ gives Stacy+Jackie his card. Bisch approves of his pimptasticness, because we all know (at least the PSers among us do) that Bischoff is a huge pimp.
-- commercials. Jay and I discuss the extent of Cena's manwhorishness.
-- Enter Rocky. DAMMIT, STOP MAKING ME WANT YOU. It makes me feel dirty. Even dirtier than the Bisch thing.
-- Wait, no...nothing is dirtier than the Bisch thing.
-- ROCKY JUST SAID HE HAS LOVE FOR MICK. I always knew it, man.
-- We start with Young!Mick jumping off the house. Rocky: "I've got...the house! No, I don't have the house."
-- Rocky brings out the little old lady who owned the house, who gave pie to the whole neighborhood. She hits on Rocky. Rocky freaks out. Entertainment!
-- Next, Rocky brings out Superfly (okay, brother!) which is automatically worth it for the music alone. He's invited to WMXX, which, rah.
-- Rocky mocks Snuka's promos, the little old lady checks Snuka out, he proclaims he loves pie, and Rocky does everything short of yelling, "UNCLEAN!" before packing the two of them off to the Holiday Inn.
-- Next is a guy who gave H.A.N.D. (heh, hand) a bad review. Rocky says this guy represents life, or something. The guy gives a clumsy insult to Rocky's movie (Jerry: "Maybe he writes one of the dirt sheets on the side."). This results in Socko, of course.
-- Evolution takes advantage of the distraction to run in and fuck things up as usual. Sidenote: Their music goes off and with the opening note, I think for half a second that Trips is deigning to show up, which shows that I am subconsciously still a much bigger H/R shipper than I thought. Heh.
-- Anyway, we go out on your standard beatdown, but hey -- this time, there's CONFETTI. And that oughta be worth something.