Raw, 3/14/05
(where Caps Lock abuse makes its return, it's all about nostalgia, and you can't go home again, except when you can.)

-- Jay proclaims, "Hot-lanta!" right after I think it.  Heh.

-- We open, again, with the Highlight Reel.  I am amused by this because they somehow managed to avoid shooting the ring almost entirely in the opening montage, since I didn't notice it until now.

-- This is notable because Ceej is currently sitting several feet above said ring, perched atop a ladder.  Huh.  *That* can't be comfortable.  I mean, I know he has gotten a ladder up the ass *before*, but still.

-- Anyway, he's got a bit of new scruff to the face, which looks hot with his haircut.  He exposits aboat the Money In The Bank match, and then brings oat Randy.  The crowd is undecided as to what they think of him.  JR promptly lies, "Listen to the reaction for Randy Orton!"  Of course.

-- Ort opens, "Now, Chris," and Ceej promptly cuts him off.  Heh.

-- Randy: "The Undertaker is going to find out that Randy Orton is *full* --"
me: "Of shit?"
Randy: "Of surprises."
me: "Oh."

-- Ceej is all, funny you should say that, and brings out Jake The Snake.

-- ...HOLY SHIT HE'S SO FAT.  I think my childhood just died.

-- Okay, I hereby apologize to Trips for all the fat jokes.  Because.  I mean, *really*.  There are no words.

-- JR: "There he is!"
Jerry: "And he's got that damn snake!"
Jay: "Yeah, and he's bringing another fifty pounds with him!"

-- ...This is depressing me.  Seriously.

-- Jake says that as a favor to Ort's "fadder", he tells Ort to "shut his hole" and not to bite off more than he can chew.  Good advice, but never, never doubt how much Ort can swallow.

-- ...Wait a minute.

-- Ort talks smack.  Jake laughs at him, goes for "12 feet of impact", Randy stops him, Jake gives him the short-arm clothesline (which makes me laugh like I'm on crack), and goes for the DDT (to the audible approval of the crowd) but unfortunately gets RKO'd.

-- ...Did you ever wonder where Ceej *goes* in the middle of these segments?  I mean, what kind of talk show host just wanders off his own set?

-- Wizpics of Trips vs. Benny (while Jay nitpicks the continuing claims of Benny's lossless record to Trips) and Kane vs. Christian/T2.

-- commercials.  Jay: "I loved that the first thing Jake did when he came out...was WIPE HIS NOSE!"

-- Random Hulk nostalgia clip.  He won a title here.  Good for him.  Good for us.  Hey, they're televising the Hall of Fame induction ceremony?

-- Oh...Jay says they're just televising *Hulk*'s part of the ceremony.  Great.  Nice.

-- Clip of T2 smacking Kane with a ladder, and Kane not being pleased.

-- You know...it seems like every time I look away, Jay^*'s outfits get EVEN GAYER.

-- Arrow signs that say "Matt" and "Jeff".  Dude, don't tease me like that.  ...Or at least, hold them up during Adam's match and strike some fear into him.  Heh.

-- Ticker 2.0: Christy in Playboy, a Stacy auction online, and something about Austin.

-- This is really upsetting...I could be getting food or something right now but *no*, Jay's out of the room.  YOU LET ME DOWN, JAY.

-- Apparently something happened to neutralize Jay* while I wasn't looking, because he's laying around clutching at his throat while T2 gets pinned.  He fetches a ladder to smack Kane.  Kane gives him a Look.  He promptly hauls ass up the ramp, leaving T2 behind to get hit with the ladder.  Karma.

-- JR: "Home Depot Special!"

-- Ooh, T2 got cut open by that shot.  OW.  Sue, dude!  Sue!!!

-- ...Okay, I guess it's just a job hazard.  But still.

-- Legitimate Businessmen's Club (I think).  Flair talks to OMGWTF Snitsky.  He tries to convince Snitsky to take out Dave.  Ric, you traitor.  Snitsky twitches in response.  Oooookay.

-- commercials

-- Apparently, if you eat a SNICKER, you can win the tag titles with Ric Flair.  Too bad Snickers suck ass.  [Really?  Even the SNICKERSCRUNCHER?]

-- Boot of the Week: Christy challenges Trish.

-- Lita and Christy train. wreck  (For the record, at this point I walked in and actually said, "OH GOD, IT'S LITA.")

-- Anyway, RegTaj are helping Christy train.  Tajiri demonstrates kicks, while Regal does the time-honored Giles job of holding the pad.  He talks smack at Christy to light a fire under her, or something (*presumably* not because he just doesn't like her, heh).  She kicks him in the nuts.  Somehow this segment manages to make me hate all of them.  Even Tajiri.  And he didn't even *do* anything.

-- HOLY SHIT IT'S MARTY JANNETTY.  He's gonna rock rock til he drops!  Rock rock never stop!  He and Shawn glomp, and Shawn announces a Rockers reunion for tonight.  Heeeeeeeeeeeee.

-- Jay: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON TONIGHT.  Is *Macho Man* going to come back next?"

-- For the record: Marty looks much, much better than Jake.

-- commercials

-- Random Austin nostalgia clip: The Zamboni of Chaos.

-- Benj gets jumped by Feces -- er, Edge -- who doesn't even bother taking off his coat as he throws Shelton at the 'Tron.

-- ...Oh wait, *now* he took off his coat.  And is choking Benj with it.  Heh.

-- JR: "Edge has a very negative aura around him right now."
Jay: "No kidding!"

-- ...He's still hot even though he's cheating slime.  I hate life.

-- Anyway, Benj gets the ever-loving crap beat out of him, and yet still agrees to start the match.  Tool.

-- commercials

-- I want to point out the irony of that "I <3 U Skylar" sign during this match.  Hee.  Also, the Ticker just popped up, which is unrelated to the PS, but there it is anyway.

-- JR: "This is Street!Benjamin!"

-- Shelton is QUICK LIKE CAT!, but gets caught in a powerslam.  And accidentally kicks the ref.  Ad hits the spear, sans ref, and grabs a ladder.  (Dude, why?  I realize they're all plugging their matches, but it's not exactly a *convenient* weapon, you know?)  Ceej appears LIKE MAGIC and seesaws the ladder into Adam's face from outside the ring.  I yell "HA!", and Shelton T-Bones for the win.

-- Replay, showing that Ceej did not in fact appear from the sky, as the other angle made it look.  Fine.  Spoil my fun.

-- Rockers clip.  I have a bad feeling about this, but that's just because I've been jerked around by the writers too much.

-- commercials.  Hi, Trish!

-- I laugh at the Rockers' music.  Dude, Shawn didn't dress the part!  Fucking diva.

-- Hey, I think Marty threw out his gum just before the match started.  This amuses me, and I can't figure out why.

-- Jay: "This is the best shape *he's* looked in...since...um..."
me: "SINCE BEFORE DRUGS?"
Jay: "Well, yeah."
(It seems that I don't believe in tact.)

-- It's amazing how much more *entertaining* Shawn & Marty are than the other tag teams.  Well, not so amazing, since we already knew they looove to wrestle, and they loooove to party (at Chuck-E-Cheese).

-- JR: "And Michaels explodes into the face of Grenier!"
me: "Okay, JR needs to stop saying things like that."

-- He then makes some comment about the canvas not tasting like BBQ, or something.  Part of me is sad that he doesn't shill his sauce.  Do they still make his sauce?

-- WHEE TANDEM MOVES!  Rockers for the win.  I say they should get one more title run.  I'm not even kidding.

-- LBC.  Hunter lovingly caresses his belt (no, really).  Ric buzzes in his ear, and sticks his foot in his mouth.

-- Apparently, Hunter/Benny is up next.  Which makes TFD/MGS the Main Event?
Jay: "If that's the case, I *really* have to question WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON."

-- commercials

-- Maria vomits some words at Trish, who is unconcerned aboat the Evil Redheads out to steal her title.  Also, she beats the shit out of Maria.  TRISH STRATUS YOU ARE MY HERO.

-- Ric yells some at Snitsky.  Then he yells at Dave (who just happens to be hanging around looking hot).
me: "I think Ric Flair has gone CRAZY."
Jay: "I think he shared some of Jake's coke."
Ric (to Dave): "[Trips] will EAT YOU ALIVE!"
me: "OMG he just stole that from Trish!"

-- Dave is also unconcerned, but much moreso than Trish was.  Heh.  Snitsky snorts threateningly.
Mom (unimpressed): "Oh, wow, he can *breathe*."
me: "Yeah, that's about all he can do."

-- At the ring, enter Trips.  I want him to appreciate the fact that I just passed up the opportunity to riff on a line that included the words "Triple H" and "eat".

-- commercials.  We'd rather be tag champs than President.

-- Hey, there's TV commercials from that Reebok campaign?  ...Do you think there's more of them, or just 50 has one?

-- Oh, it's back.  Enter Benny.  Clip of his defeat of Trips and HA WE WERE THERE.

-- So.  In terms of "Pick Your Poison", just from a linguistic standpoint...I always thought the connotation of the phrase was that you chose what would be used on *yourself*?

-- ...I have missed a good chunk of this match having a side-conversation with my mom about Mario.  (WHY MARIO WHY)  See?  Even when it's not on, Idol interferes with my ability to recap.

-- ...What the hell is that guy in the corner wearing?

-- commercials.  That little girl in the Subway commercial OWNS those other kids.  I'm proud of her.

-- During The Break, Benny took a trip up the stairs.

-- I'm bored.

-- True Confession: when Ceej suddenly appeared on the screen earlier, and I thought he'd come from the crowd?  For half a second there I thought it was Matt come for *vengeance*.

-- JR: "Those turnbuckles are not made of chocolate!"

-- ...Should I be paying attention?

-- 3GS on Trips, but he gets up, so three more.  *Then* the Bellyflop o' Carnage.  Trips, of course, kicks out.  Two more Germans, and Trips grabs the rope.  Shouldn't Flair be interfering?

-- Jay: "I thought JR just said those were *bitchin* right hands."

-- JR: "How ironic would it be if this match ended in a countout?"
Jay: "...Why would that be ironic?"
me: "I do not think it means what he thinks it means."

-- Crossface, Trips gets out, German, Kick-Wham-no 'Gree, Sharpshooter, Flair distracts.  Earl chases Flair, which lets Trips land a lowblow and then the 'Gree.  Ergo, Hunner wins via screwjob, much like I predicted.  Me first I win.

-- SDRebound: DiBradshaw blows up Cena's cool belt.  (I love his little remote control pyro thingie.  It's so...supervillain.)  Cena, with weapon, threatens to go street on them.  TRL intervenes, and gets the FU.  Money Inc. The Cabinet goes after Eddie/Rey.  Cena appears and whups some ass.  As usual, there are no other angles.  I'm almost tired of harping on it.  Sigh.

-- commercials.  I HATE CABLEVISION FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL.

-- New WM21 commercial: A HA HA HA HA.  When Kurt Met Christy.  Kurt's hairpiece is freaking classic.  This commercial is so awesome.  A HA HA HA LINDA.  I LOVE THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT.  THEY FUCKING WIN.

-- The announce team shills the WM matches thus far.  Trish's hat looks hot.  Jay points out that Christy is like Trish when she started except a better actress, which I can't *really* argue with, I guess.

-- MH3.  Dude, your tie does *not* look good with that shirt.

-- He bitches about WM.  I think that we'd all benefit from a singalong of "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist".  Heh.

-- Sign: "Whatchu Talkin Bout Daivari?"  See?  It all ties together.

-- Inexplicably, they play Charlie's music for half a second before finding the right one.  Sure, get my hopes up.

-- Lita/Christy stand outside the trainer's office, expositing that Maria is going to be okay (DAMMIT).  Christy goes in to visit her, Lita goes off and naturally runs into Snitsky.  He threatens.  She simpers.  Blah, blah, blah.

-- commercials

-- Rewind: Dave symbolically emasculates Hunter.

-- Dave = teh hot.  Snitsky = crime against nature.  Hunter/Flair = predictably here.

-- Snitsky's idea of a submission is to tug on the leg.  Coincidentally, as I'm writing this, JR uses the phrase "a leg up" in what I believe was a non-humorous way.

-- Trips, wrapped in his towel on the outside, looks a little lost.

-- Anyway.  Flair, knee, blatant DQ.  Attempted 3-on-1 attack, but Dave's like, fuck *that* noise, and powers out.

-- JR: "And Snitsky's chances at WrestleMania may be dissipating --"
me: "What?"

-- Kane puts in the assist, TFD does DA BAWM.  Trips grabs a mic and makes Batista vs. Kane for next week.  Everyone seems slightly confused.  JR actually forgets to shill, before realizing that the show is in fact ending and suddenly ups his volume to ELEVEN.  Eep.

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