Raw, 3/15/04
(where the OT3 becomes text, the tag match lasts six hours, and Vince is either our hero or SATAN, but we won't know 'til next week.)
-- Lilian tells us to welcome...and then abruptly stops talking. Did I miss something?
-- It's Trips, in a sling. I laugh. Jay contributes, "He couldn't get the jacket all the way on! Cause he's that damn fat!"
-- Hunter fears the fans' chanting -- IT HAS STRUCK HIM DUMB. Has that ever happened before?
-- Trips: "You think one match makes somebody the best?" The crowd *screams* yes. I actually have a Jeff Hardy joke here in my notes, but I'll let it go.
-- He's all, you have to defend the belt to be champ, and stuff. You know, like *he* did. All the time. Riiiiiiight.
-- Hunner: "I looked in the mirror and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt --"
me: "-- that I am fat?"
-- Enter Benoit. The belt's almost as big as he is.
-- Benny's all, "HA!" Trips throws down his mic rather than dignify Benny's presence with a response.
-- Trips looks...almost disturbed. He then hogs Benoit's mic to answer his taunts. Dude, you shouldn't have ruined your own mic then. Tantrumy bitch.
-- Benoit cheapshots him (yay!) and Evo comes out like good lackeys. Shawn with chair makes the save. Benoit is understandably uneasy about this.
-- Bisch shows up, saying that Vince won't let him sign a title match, which can't be a good sign. Instead, he makes Mafia vs. Shawn/Benoit. It's amusing, 'cause Flair looks all, "Yeah, I *beat* that!" until he finds out he has to fight. Heh.
-- commercials
-- Backstage, Coach corners Shawn, who says he's "protecting [his] investment" for a later title shot. He also threatens to kill Trips. Cool.
-- Vicky. She watches her Brutus impression on the 'Tron, and is proud of herself.
-- Amy. Jay: "That outfit is fucking ugly!"
-- Jazz. We ignore her.
-- Molly. Pretty blond wig -- with a big black strap. GEEK.
-- Jazz (to Amy): "Hey now!"
me and Jay (in unison no less): "You're an All-Star!" We are even geekier than Molly.
-- Ticker V. 2.0. Nothing really interesting.
-- Amy tries to pull Molly in by the fake hair. It comes flying off. She runs. Vicky laughs. JR: "That is hideous!" Mean bastard.
-- commercials
-- We come back to JR and Jerry, talking to the camera without sound. BEST RAW EVER.
-- JR (voiced by Jay): "My God, King, isn't HHH the fattest bastard you've ever seen?"
-- Somebody in the production truck fucks up, but it means that we get to stare at a really long shot of Vitamin C up in each other's face's last night. GIVE THAT MAN A RAISE.
-- CJ is accosted by NewGuy, but he's too pissed off to speak.
-- Matt Fact: Matt is ridiculously underrated. Truer words, my friends...truer words.
-- Jay's decided that everyone on this show is hungover.
-- Matt/Ceej. Mmm. Teh yummy.
-- I suspect this will be a total asskicking. 556, Matthew.
-- Matt screams something about slapping him like Trish. Matt = Geek.
-- It spills outside, and CJ goes absolutely fucking nuts, choking Matt with the wires and getting DQ'ed. Hey, I didn't know there could be a Face!Psycho!Jericho. Weird.
-- commercials
-- (re: Walking Tall) me: "Rocky's gonna fuck some shit up."
Jay: "Old school?"
me: "With a 2x4 like Hacksaw Jim Duggan!"
Jay: "AND A BROOM!"
me: "He beats you with the 2x4 and then violates you with THE BROOM!"
Jay: "Violates you like a fat kid violates cake!!!"
-- During The Break, CJ went home. Without changing. Just driving away with his window open. And no shirt.
-- Captain Hotass Randy Orton interview. Challenges Mick to a one-on-one. I get distracted by the fact that Mick now has kids named Huey and Dewey. Colette, get cracking on another boy for the trifecta!
-- La Resistance now has a POODLE. POODLE. They are the evil version of the British Bulldogs.
-- Oh, Sylvan's back, too. In case you're actually reading this for information. You poor bastard.
-- Austin calls Rene a French Bitch. Hee!
-- commercials. We've decided that Figure!Brock vs. Figure!Goldberg is a better match than what we saw last night.
-- Rewind: Geno and Brain love up Moolah and Mae. Segue to Val. How...fitting.
-- Jerry: "Things got kinky last night. I heard they handcuffed Mae to her walker."
-- Val goes totally old-school and makes some Jersey girl's night (...if this is what makes her night...that's sad). Then Kane shows up. He's like the RTC, without the moral platform or the Gay Cult thing.
-- Squashtastic. Val wanders around with his tongue out for a chokeslam. Kane is pissed at his sudden and complete lack of angle.
-- Hall of Fame recap. Same one from yesterday.
-- commercials
-- Jackie, who gets NO REACTION now that she's a heel, vs. Stacy, in a corset top which is pretty-but-unnecessary, as she has absolutely nothing to hold in.
-- Vince interrupts, as he's prone to doing whenever the fuck he feels like it. (I'm still bitter about the Rhyno thing.)
Jay: "Thank you, Vince, for giving me back the minutes of my life that would have been lost watching this match."
-- Vince announces that next week, everyone's coming to Raw for a "lottery" -- as far as I can figure, this will be a redraft. I don't like it. I'm not sure why.
-- Jerry: "Evolution could be split up!"
me (visions of O/B dissolving before my eyes): "NOOOOOOOOO!!!! ...Sorry."
Perhaps that's why.
-- Of course, the lottery *could* just mean they're gonna take someone out back and stone him. In which case I hope it's Hunter. I mean, it's not like he'll feel it.
-- commercials
-- TEJ calls Bischoff "EB". Heh. Then The Mafia enters, so that Trips can express *my* fear, namely that Evolution will be split up. For once, I'm on his side.
-- Wait a minute -- Trips just worried about being split from Orton and Flair, but didn't say a word about Batista. Trips DOESN'T CARE ABOUT TFD. I HATE YOU TRIPS.
-- Bisch sounds near tears. Bisch needs a hug. In fact, so do I. I suppose that works out somehow.
-- Enter Duds. Jay: "Maybe they're going to win the titles so they won't get split up again."
-- Enter BookeRVD. This music just doesn't improve with repeated listens. Ugh.
-- TICKER OF DOOM. Hey, RVD did a good move. Good for him.
-- Much like JR + King, we are discussing the redraft rather than actually watching the match. Course, we're not getting paid for this, so we have an excuse.
-- Sign: "I <3 Bald Chix". Awww. Molly will be so happy.
-- commercials. Jay: "Because *this* match needs the break."
-- This match numbs mah brain.
-- They're still talking about the imminent Evo breakup. WAH. FUCKERS.
-- RVD is spitting blood and the Duds are heeling it up. It's ECW all over again. Sorta.
-- WHY. IS THIS MATCH. STILL HAPPENING.
-- For that matter, if this was as epic as they obviously want it to seem, why didn't it happen yesterday?
-- Clips package on WMXX. The one from the end of the show, actually, except shorter. Jay whines that they're cutting out all the good stuff.
-- commercials
-- AUSSIE! OI! AUSSIE! OI! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OI OI OI!
-- Spike. Jay: "Oh, great, who's Spike going to get his ass kicked by *this* week?"
-- Jay (no, the other one) and Trish, apparently. They come out, beat him up, and mock pin him, because they are EVIL GEEKS.
-- THEY ARE HOT EVIL GEEKS.
-- Jay says that Chris went soft, and I *swear* I thought he was going to follow it with "And Trish likes it hard."
-- Jay also says that he got the girl, and laughs somewhat incredulously. Me too. Cause, Christian...and a girl. Come on now.
-- Oh, in case you were wondering, Trish implies that she is an *expensive* slut, thankyouverymuch. I await the return of the bottom-feeding-trashbag-ho bonanza.
-- They make out some more. Okay, I appreciate trying to make this a fully three-sided triangle for me, and everything, but...CHRISTIAN. And a GIRL.
-- commercials. Jay (no, the *other* one) pesters me about my OT3, and their slutty ways. Hey, THEY OWN YOU, BITCH. TONGUE SLIPPED EVERYWHERE.
-- Rene comes out to Do Somethin ABOUT It. The crowd soundly boos him, except for a couple of guys who get up and do the Dupree Dance. Bless 'em.
-- He then refers to us as American pieces of crap, and sounds like The Mole from South Park. THE MOLE! All new love for Dupree, man.
-- I really need to learn how to do the accent in HTML if I'm going to keep talking about him.
-- Austin and the ATVoC. Austin, naturally, beats the everloving shit out of him. Then he drinks beer for like three minutes.
-- commercials. I promise you I don't want John Cena (despite the fact that his name seems to show up in every Raw recap even though he's not on Raw). Really, I don't. Ah, screw you guys.
-- Behind the scenes on Walking Tall. Rocky is dorky and trashes some shit. Plus, Johnny Knoxville is there. Good fun for all.
-- Enter Shawn, wearing a stringy outfit and a baseball cap. I know he's being a good little shill and all, but it *so* doesn't go with the outfit.
-- Again, they announce Benny as being from Atlanta. Backlash is gonna fuck him up, yo. Canada does *not* forget.
-- Evo (w/ Trips). WAH! SO TRUE.
-- You know, I'm not sure JR knows what "scintillating" means.
-- I want to know what Jersey's problem is with Benoit. I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON. SONS OF BITCHES.
-- ...See, 'cause once I decide I'm loyal, I tend to go a little insane with it, I don't know if you've noticed that. (*ahem*)
-- A multiperson sign reads "OOOW" and I laugh at them as they realize they've fucked up and re-order the letters.
-- Foley shows up, of course, to battle Ort into the crowd. OMG THEY'VE SEPARATED HIM FROM THE GROUP. HE WILL BE THE ONE STRANDED ON A SHOW ALONE. WOE.
-- In the ring, Shawn and Flair are showing the kids WRESTLING (TM), 'til Trips does that thing he does, namely running in for a 'Gree. However, he can't wake up the ref, and Shawn kicks out for Earl.
-- Annoyed by this turn of events, Ric Flair proceeds to BITE SHAWN'S FOREHEAD. All hail the King of Heels. May all lesser heels bow before him.
-- Anyway, Sweet Chin Music on Hunner and Flair, Sharpshooter on TFD, and that's about it. 'Til next week...and may God have mercy on us all.