Raw Recap, 3/26/01
(where everyone's screwing everyone, but at least the McMahons are keeping it in the family.)

-- Angle comes out first, and makes it sound like we're *not* all on pins and needles about the merger, but instead about his lack of match for Wrestlemania.

-- He threatens to complain until he gets an opponent. Faced with the prospect of *that*, they promptly send out Benny.

-- Benny stole Mike's jersey. And yet, when he comes out, he doesn't look half bad. Hmm. Disturbing.

-- Benoit: "To be honest, Kurt, your voice annoys me."
me: "Dude, you hang out with *Malenko*. I think you've got a tolerance for it."

-- B: "I can make you tap, tap, tap like the bitch that you are."

-- Someone finally called Kurt a bitch. I think Benny is temporarily my new hero. Equally disturbing.

-- K: "I can make you squeal in seconds, pal." ........<cough>

-- Benny puts the Crossface on Angle, and Da Canadians make the save.

-- Vince makes more references to WCW wrestlers' bad early-90s WWF gimmicks. Bwa ha ha, that evil bastard.

-- Steph and Hunt are on vacation, which Jay brings up is a good possible excuse for them to appear on Nitro.

-- commercials

-- The music on Nitro sounds vaguely funereal. Just as a side note.

-- Debra gives Mikey the brushoff, while looking like Steve just killed her dog.

-- Yeah, there's a "puppies" joke in there somewhere, I just couldn't find it.

-- Paul E. referred to the Tazzmission as the Katihajime!!! :-) Ah, if only Joey was here...

-- Jacqueline's got sparklyass pants.

-- Hey, a lumberjack match. That's fairly old school.

-- JR: "The APA and the RTC in a F-I-G-H-T on the outside."

-- Tazz wins before I even transcribe that, distracting me from whatever smartass comment I was planning to make.

-- *Everybody's* wearing these WM jerseys. Talk about your subtle advertising.

-- commercials

-- Meanwhile, on Nitro...

-- Tony (according to Jay, since I didn't hear it): "We've had to do a lot of crazy things, Steven Regal, including putting over your ass on television."

-- Hmm. Tony senses his fate and has gone kamikaze. Cool.

-- As Raw returns, we're confronted with the visage of Doink the Clown. Jay and I stare at our TV in speechless horror.

-- Paul E. sounds about as disbelieving about the Gimmick Battle Royal as the rest of us.

-- Regal calls CJ something that I don't understand.

-- Regal decides to fight Molly as preparation for Chris. Now that says something about my boy, and I'm sure it's not good.

-- ........Okay, the Doink is Chris.

-- I don't know about him, but my life is flashing before my eyes.

-- Vince continues mocking those who had the nerve to leave his company back in the day. I'm beginning to believe he may very well have a hitlist.

-- Then, of course, he decides to bury his head in Trish's chest rather than spend any more time thinking about Goldust. I say that's a good call on his part.

-- commercials

-- Recap. You know, Chris didn't have the wig on right in the first place.

-- Apparently Coach is Regal's personal interviewer *period*. Anyway, he calls Coach "Sunshine" and again calls CJ something that I can't make out.

-- Next segment, you ask?

-- Christian: "Team ECK lives again!"

-- Yup, them. I'm for it. Team ECK's almost as much fun skitwise as Chredgley.

-- Benoit's teaming with the Hardys? <blink> But...but...

-- <blinks some more> My world just collapsed.

-- Kurt (re: Rhino): "What the hell is that?"

-- Exactly what I've been trying to figure out for at least a year now.

-- Rhino: "I'll bleed for you, man! BLEED FOR YOU!"

-- <snicker> Okay, Jay's right, Rhino's got a certain charm. Well, charm's not the word for it. But still.

-- More Austin/Rocky promo crap.

-- Coach accosts Debra, from all appearances at the same door, only with a Rock sign on it instead of a Stone Cold sign. She walks away again.

-- Vince prepares to make his announcement. I'll spare you the disturbing imagery this segment left me with.

-- commercials

-- Vince comes out, making us wonder what's on Nitro, since this is supposed to be simulcast, and last we checked the Sting/Flair match was still going on.

-- Vince comes out *again*, which as far as I can guess is to waste time so S/F can wrap up. Ah.

-- According to Vince, Ted's gonna appear at WM and sign over the company. Sure.

-- Vince goes megalomaniacal. What else is new.

-- He tries to tie this in with his angle with Shane, which I suppose means Shane really *is* going to control WCW.

-- Or Linda. Hmm.

-- Sign: "Don't feel bad, Shane. My dad regretted my birth too."

-- Vince gloats. Eric Bischoff is killing himself right this very second.

(-- Just as a note, picked up from the Nitro replay... Sign: "Bischoff, Subway is hiring." MWA HA HA.)

-- Vince polls the crowd on who he should hire. Which is an interesting little concept, actually.

-- Dear God. Goldberg just got the biggest pop possible. Could I *live* with the Strong Monkey and the BaldMan in the same Fed? My God. The mind boggles.

-- V: "I could very well come out here and gloat -- which I think I'm doing very well..." I giggle.

-- Vince basically says he's gonna fire all of WCW and sell it off. Yeah. Right. Then he reminds the crowd that he's a heel. They'd forgotten that in the excitement of mocking WCW.

-- V: "Dammit, I'm Vince McMahon! Dammit, I own WCW!"

-- Yeah, I only quoted this because I love when Vince starts gratuitously yelling "Dammit!"

-- Shane comes out to duel with Vince....only he comes out in Panama City, into the ring at Nitro.

-- I swear he's wearing the same outfit he was on Monday. Though I'm not sure it matters, since he's cute in it.

-- Oh God, Shane *did* just buy WCW. If he wasn't so beautiful, I'd wanna kill him.

-- Shane says that WCW will kick Vince's ass like it did in the past. I wonder if that technically makes Shane a heel to WWF fans.

-- Shane smirks adorably. Vince looks completely stunned. Not to mention like he's gonna hurl.

-- commercials. The WM one, on both channels. SHIT, my hand hurts.

-- Recap, of course. I hate WCW's lighting.

-- Paul: "It's not Vince McMahon who screws Vince McMahon, it's Shane McMahon who screws Vince McMahon!"
me: "Ouch, dammit! Bret screwed Bret!"

-- Hardys/Benoit--Angle/Canadians match. There is a high-pitched screaming going directly into one of the microphones, and I want to throttle the culprit.

-- Adam comes out trying to signal airplane landings with his hands.

-- .........I'm sorry. Hardys....Benoit. HARDYS.

-- ...................I need a moment.

-- ...........Jeff just tagged Benny.

-- ............................

-- ........I'm okay, honest.

-- ............................

-- Oh yeah, H/B won, and Rhino gored Matt and Lita, in case you were wondering.

-- commercials

-- I wish I'd seen Superstars on Sunday. Kane with a personality. It's a concept I would have liked to have looked into.

-- Recap of Hunter's attack on Mark.

-- Hermie interviews Mark (god help us) and Glen, looking like a midget next to them. Which I suppose is a given for most people.

-- Mark pronounces it "PO-lice". I dig that.

-- M: "As far as Rock and Austin go? I understand they've got their own issues --"
me: "That's one way of putting it."
M: "-- and I respect that."
me (a la CJ): "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

-- Drew's fighting Fluffy. Preeeeeeeeeeeeetty.

-- Hey, no Peej to go with Fluffy. The pink entrance lights are just going to waste, then.

-- JR: "Test looks like he smells a rat."
me: "I thought Drew *was* a rat." <gets decked by Drew muse>

-- Eddie (guest ref, dontcha know) is fixing the match for the Fluff, which seems kinda counterproductive to me, but hey.

-- Fluffy wins, and I get really confused, and then I remember that this was non-title and it all suddenly makes sense. Join me in saying, "Ohhhhhhhhhh."

-- Austin stares down Mikey, who interrupted him from getting a cup of coffee. Austin then leaves the cup on the table as he storms down the hall. I *knew* it was just for effect -- you *know* Austin doesn't drink anything as weak as coffee.

-- commercials

-- Paul keeps looking like he's in mourning. I guess I'd be too, if I owned ECW.

-- They stop midsentence to mark out over Mick.

-- Vince comes out to yell at Mick, looking like he's rapidly developing an ulcer.

-- Mick attacks V's masculinity. I laugh heartily.

-- Mick and a pre-sedation Linda have a videotaped document-signing session. Therefore making it possible for Mick to randomly screw over Vince for *months* to come. Well played, Mick.

-- For the record, Mick's reffing Vince/Shane. Which certainly puts an interesting spin on things, I suppose.

-- My Boy's fighting the Show. Poor bastard.

-- You know, I'm disturbed every time I see BS now, because it reminds me that I want to reread Human Touch. Which brings images that I DO NOT want when I see BS.

-- commercials

-- Recap. We want Shawn, dammit!

-- Vince takes out his frustrations on a defenseless strawberry.

-- You know, I love Chris. We all know I love Chris. I just have this tendency to forget, until I see him, just how much I *want* Chris.

-- BS starts the match by catching CJ midair and throwing him at the post. Well, this should go well.

-- Sign: "That's a huge bitch."

-- You said it, brother.

-- Kane attacks BS. Oh, *that's* how they're getting Chris out of this match without him losing too much face (again), the time-honored screwjob.

-- JR: "Raven showing his guts -- or lack of intelligence -- by mounting Kane."
me: "I'd say that shows more than a lack of intelligence. Lack of taste, lack of self-respect, possible optical problems --" <gets whacked by Scotty muse> "Ow."

-- commercials

-- A guy in the background is just staring openmouthed into the camera. I hope that's intentional.

-- Rocky talks shit at Austin. Austin stares at Rocky with that "Oooooooh, pretty" look on his face.

-- A: "After the match, all bets are off."
R (voice reaching an ungodly seductive depth): "You're damn right."

-- I actually have no idea if that's what Rocky said, I had to ask Jay. I was much too distracted by the way he said it. Damn.

-- I've come to the conclusion that Debra was only standing in the background of this segment to remind us that Austin is ostensibly straight.

-- commercials

-- The show comes back as soon as I finish writing down the word "commercials". I wonder if that's a sign that I've got too much to say about very short segments.

-- Mark and Glen come out, this time with pyro and all.

-- Jay (in our discussion of Mark's fashion sense): "As far as looks go, I thought Mark looked coolest when he was, like, the devil."

-- Red design. Fear Rocky.

-- Austin nearly plows down Debra to get to the corner and pose.

-- Fly, Mark! FLY!

-- I just realized my problem with American Badass Undertaker. He is *so* far removed from Bou's highbrow Mark. It upsets me.

-- Feh. I need to go read more of the Hollow Victory series now.

-- HUNNER! Who looks hot (if disheveled and confused), smacks Mark with a chair (giving A/R the win), and storms away before Kane can kick his ass. Most importantly, he looks hot, if disheveled and confused.

-- Rocky openly stares at Austin's ass as Austin retrieves a runaway beer.

-- Rocky gives Austin a Stunner! I'll favor that with a resounding "Holy Shit!".

-- Rocky then grabs a beer, mocks Austin, looks sexy (what can I say, I have this thing for slightly-mentally-unstable Rocky), and gives a non-interview Eyebrow for what feels like the first time in an awfully long time.

-- ...Bringing another show to a close. Night, all.

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