Smackdown Recap, 3/29/01
(where Shane recruits for his harem -- er...federation, Mark further proves that he must not be very interesting IRL, and we find that Rocky went where no man has gone before.)

-- Promo vid of the merger. Obvious call.

-- Heh heh...they edited out Vince's flub in the above. Where he referred to TNT as TNN. It makes you wonder if, if it were anyone other than Vince, it would have been left in to mock them.

-- Ah, the pyro. The real reason we all watch Smackdown, and we know it.

-- Our favorite metalhead HHH arrives, with his bitch and a fleet of cops in tow.

-- Steph is wearing this pink dress that looks like it was stolen from Stacy's wardrobe. Eh, I guess she doesn't exactly need it anymore.

-- Hunter bitches some more about not having the title shot at WM, and gives Mark some half-assed props for no reason that I can figure out.

-- Hunt tries to translate some Markspeak from Monday, and somehow, it sounds even *more* absurd.

-- Oh, and apparently, I was wrong, and it's *Hunter's* world, we just live in it. But hey, I was only off by one Kliq member...Hunter, Shawn, what's the big diff, right?

-- H: "At Wrestlemania, Dead Man, you will get a chance to play the Game."

-- Right in the middle of the ring? I always *did* have Hunter figured for an exhibitionist...

-- Mark walks out, and, once again, has forgotten his script.

-- Come to think of it, I don't think Mark has even *looked* at his script since back in the Minidark days.

-- M: "When I was a little itty-bitty Dead Man..."

-- Jay, Tazz and I simultaneously snicker.

-- So, wait. They cut Shawn off this show so that Mark can babble some more about his yard? That's so wrong.

-- Mark continues babbling, concluding with "...And that's when the dog gets his bone."

-- me (<thinking>): "Finally. A quote I can work with."

-- Steph begins shrieking like a banshee. Moreso than usual. Her voice actually *cracks*. Jeez.

-- Mark rushes Hunner. Steph runs. The cops look momentarily disoriented that he's not actually *after* Steph.

-- Mark, under arrest, licks his lips at Hunt, who looks *horribly* confused, but very pretty.

-- commercials

-- The PSA keeps getting more and more blatant. It now says "Don't try this at home" across the screen seven or eight times. Because yes, the youth of America really is that stupid.

-- Recap. I swear that Steph started her lines by yelling, "Ossifers!"

-- M (to the cops): "You guys can take me to jail, but I'll be out before we get there!"

-- ...............Yes.

-- Regal accosts Rocky and pleads with him to stay away from Austin (yeah, that'll happen real soon).

-- Rocky: "Aren't you that guy who drank pee last week?"

-- What can I say, if Mark makes 'em famous, my boy makes 'em infamous.

-- The APA comes out. Jackie's top is cute, but looks like it came straight outta Trish's closet. Apparently they're sprucing up Jackie's clothing to remind us that she actually is female (they think we forget if the chick in question doesn't periodically get into catfights).

-- Enter X-Factor. Yay, Fluffy's friend has come back to him!

-- Tazz refers to the Acolytes as his "boyz". I decide not to ponder that.

-- Ron tries to break Fluffy's back. The jerk.

-- Apparently, CJ is teaming with Kane later tonight.
Jay: "Wait, weren't they, like, *just* feuding over who was prettier?"
me: "Yep."
Jay: "Huh. I guess Kane decided Jericho was prettier."
me: "No doubt."

-- RTC rushes the APA. I find it extremely odd that they still refer to Straitlaced!Val's finisher as the Money Shot.

-- Shane arrives, and says hi to Eddy and Kurt, tapping Eddy on the shoulder as he walks past. Eddy immediately turns near speechless, as you can practically *see* him thinking, "Oh my God, they're sending me BACK?"

-- Jay: "Why do you think Eddy got so distracted?"
me: <opens my mouth to advance the above theory>
Jay: "He's probably thinking, 'Ay, he got some fine tequila there, we can get wasted! Get some girlies!'"
me: "No, it's because Shane's just that pretty."
Jay: "I thought you were gonna say Shane's just the biggest drug dealer."
me: "Well, that too."

-- commercials (which in my notes, I only had time to write as "cs")

-- The Hardys talk to Shane, seeming much more interested than is probably a good sign.

-- me (immediately upon seeing them): "Oh my God, Matt killed a cow and wore its corpse."

-- I actually have no idea what they were talking about (and therefore whether or not the Hardys came off as having anything resembling intelligence this time), because I was much too distracted by the three of them in the same place having a conversation.

-- Mikey and Paul have apparently been banned from discussing WCW, or, as they refer to it, "down south".

-- Jay: "I never thought Vince would ban talking about *anything* down south." I choke on my rice.

-- By the time I've finally caught up with all this stuff (it's hard writing those friggin notes legibly enough to make a recap out of them later, ya know), there's a tag match going on. Kurt and Eddy are one team, which explains why they were talking in the hallway. Benny's with Drew on the other team. They seem to have decided that Benny's a face. This disturbs me on countless levels.

-- Sign: "Shut the hell up."
me: <gives it the finger>

-- .....But I'm not bitter about my boy's total loss of creativity, no. (<grumbles under her breath about how Heel!Jericho at least believed in variety>)

-- Benny bounces up and down in the corner, yelling to Drew to make a tag. You know, the man does not look *comfortable* as a face.

-- Benny taps to the AngleLock (as Jay and I are referring to it), and then looks horrified with himself.

-- So he can dish it out, but he can't take it. I resist the urge to yell, "How do you like it now, bitch?!" at Benny, figuring that being forced to be a face is punishment enough for now.

-- Regal tries to get Debra to make Rocky and Austin play nice. He calls her "young lady" in the process, as part of the WWF's snowjob to hide from the audience just how old that woman friggin is.

-- commercials

-- Shane talks up Billy. Billy just looks ecstatic that for once, he's on TV, and it's not Metal.

-- an interrupting Steph: "Dad is inSANE!" You can almost see Shane bite back the response, "Tell me something I *don't* know."

-- Recap of Mick's coup.

-- Austin and Regal meet in front of a K-Mart sign. I wonder if they paid for that.

-- Trish, clad in what looks like snakeskin vinyl, looks like she fears Vince. It's when she shows intelligence like that that you remember she was supposed to be a doctor.

-- commercials. Including the news saying that they're going to tell us about "the passion behind Wrestlemania". That could take a while. Bunch of sluts.

-- A boxer and his terrified child fill the screen, before a recap of Monday's main event.

-- Jay: "Austin tried to be cool like Shane and spit out the beer when he got Stunned. *No one* does that like Shane."

-- Austin calls out Rocky. Vince comes out to spoil Austin's fun.

-- Mikey: "That's not the Rock, Paul!"
Paul: "Wow, you are so SMART! Did you figure that one out yourself?"

-- And thus, Paul E endears himself to Michael Cole abusers everywhere.

-- Austin sounds much too whiny yelling at Vince, "I said I wanted the Rock!"

-- V: "I don't know what you've got on your mind, but it's not good..."
me: "Of course it's not. Look who you're talking to."

-- Rocky does eventually show up, though, and Austin stares at him like he could not be more in love.

-- A: "You did something to Stone Cold Steve Austin that ain't never been done before."

-- I crack up, and it literally takes me until he spells it out to remember that he means the whole Stunner thing. I then promptly forget about that fact.

-- Austin says that he respects him, and I *immediately* think, "So they still respect each other in the morning?"

-- Austin moves dangerously close to Rocky, then complains that Rocky's in his space. That BaldMan's sending mixed signals all over the place.

-- They toast each other's health and happiness, each spitting out the latter word like a curse. There is *so* much subtextual angst going on here.

-- They fight. Duh. The locker room...and just about everywhere else, it seems...empties to separate them.

-- commercials

-- Recap. I didn't see the actual toasts themselves before, I was too busy writing. They amuse me.

-- Shane and Chris talk on a monitor.

-- Vince: "What the hell is that?"
me: "The beginning of a sequel to Unexpected Similarities? No...that's in my ideal world..."

-- Actually, my *spoken* response was, "Now, I know Ceej's facial hair is mutating again, but I wouldn't say it's at 'that' status yet, Vince."

-- Matt's gonna avenge Amy. Bully for him. More importantly, Adam's wearing leather pants.

-- I literally just said, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh" aloud.

-- Paul: "Rhyno is the manbeast!"
me: "I'm so glad he didn't just say manbitch."

-- It looked like a fan just punched Jeffy in the stomach. I'm gonna go with it just being a camera angle thing, though, because Dotson didn't appear to tackle anyone.

-- Paul really enjoys calling Rhino "manbeast".

-- Jeff honestly bounces up and down in the middle of the ring for like 15 seconds straight.

-- The Hardys rip off the Dudleys, who of course come out themselves and 3D Rhino through the table.

-- Chris decides to take the presented opportunity to mess with Vince's mind, which is one of everyone's favorite pastimes when it comes right down to it.

-- commercials

-- Vince decides that what he needs to improve his mood is to put Trish in a bra and panties match. Um....did he really need to put her in a match to see them? Where's the logic?

-- Hunter comes out astride Mark's bike. Steph plays Barker Beauty, handing him his sledgehammer, with which he destroys said bike.

-- Oh, *now* Mark's gonna be pissed. You can threaten his family, but when you go after his ride, you've crossed the line.

-- And hey, when you think about it, no one in canon has threatened Mark's family more than *Mark* has, so that's doubly true.

-- This segment also contains a Hunner Ass Shot, which is worth mentioning.

-- Regal appears much cheerier than he was earlier. He also looks like he may very well be wearing a WM jersey and nothing else. <shudders> I *so* don't want to know.

-- commercials

-- Vince wants Debra desperately. I say Trish oughta leave him for Shane. Just a thought.

-- Joanie, in odd shoes, makes a cameo appearance to go after Ivory. Thus providing the only thing worth mentioning in said segment.

-- Kane walks through a short red plastic hallway for no discernable reason. It probably would have been much more effective if they'd actually cut away the shot before he exited the hallway.

-- commercials

-- CJ & Kane are fighting BS & Regal. I ponder taking bets on how long it'll be before Scotty comes out, but figure that's much too easy of a call.

-- Regal's formerly-black-eye is still oddly colored; pinkish to be exact. That can't be healthy.

-- Paul: "Just to see Kane display wrestling ability is scary enough."

-- If that hadn't come on the same show as Mark's jail comment, that'd probably be Line of the Night.

-- Scotty arrives as expected, to mess with the match. His hair is a beautiful shade of red.

-- Chris taps out to Regal. Wuss. I mean, you survived *Benoit*, boy.

-- <sigh> I suppose all the will to struggle goes out when you know you're not getting something out of it later.

-- <smacks self in the forehead>

-- commercials. The main event is over, and it's only 9:50. That's a skill.

-- We find out *why* there's so much time left, as they show a very long Austin/Rocky promo vid, including most of the stuff that was in the others *and* stuff that happened earlier tonight. Yes, the WWF uses the time on their shows well. <rolls eyes>

-- Back to the arena, SC says bullshit a lot. The censors get creative (or low-budgeted, I'm not sure) and sound like they're using a push-button phone to bleep him.

-- Then he gives someone off-camera a "wicked grin", which Jay and I happily read too much into and start coming up with people that he could be looking at. (Even though he's probably just trying to intimidate Kevin Kelly like the psycho he is.)

-- And that's the show. I'm outta here like a pissed-off Shawn Michaels.

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