Raw, 3/29/04
(where the more things change, the more things stay the same...well, except when they actually *do* change. A bit. Maybe.)
-- Package: Lottery. No Trips. GM!Kurt. Trips again (damn you, GM!Kurt!!!). Heel!Booker. Threat of POed!Trips.
-- OMG THE TRON EXPLODED!
...No, wait, just the pyro. Never mind.
-- Sign: "Crack". Jay: "Best sign EVER!"
-- MAFIA! You fucking sexy bitches...okay, except Flair. Not my type.
-- Oh, shit, they're almost the same height. I have to make sure I didn't write otherwise... (*runs off to fact-check Mafia!fic*)
-- Flair (re: Hunter): "He'll deal with the locker room the way he sees fit."
Jay: "All his fat crush them."
-- Dude, I can't recap the Mafia, I'm too busy staring at them.
-- Flair talks up Randy, who's still recovering from his tonsillectomy, but then decides to talk anyway. Mmm. Gravelly.
-- Ort: "It's going to be hard to talk."
Jay: "Then why are you bothering?"
me: "Because he's hardcore!"
-- Speaking of which, Mick comes out, and first he's, hey, you guys won 'cause me and Rocky suck, and then he's all, but I can still kick your ass.
-- OMEGA sign! ...Sorry.
-- The basics: Backlash, Foley/Ort, Evo banned, IC belt up, street fight.
-- Mick says he wants to hear the agreement from the horse's mouth, and Randy looks all, "What did he call me?"
-- Flair *jumps* off the apron to threaten Mick. Hee! Evolution is *totally* about Randy, man, Trips is just a red herring. [Rhyno]They'd BLEED for him, man! BLEED FOR HIM![/Rhyno]
-- SCREENCAPPERS. WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME.
-- Backstage, the leftovers of La Resistance, and Cade, try to get Tajiri to mist any random person that walks through the door, as an "initiation". (Ah, the WWE, a walking PSA on the dangers of hazing.) The poor sucker turns out to be Coach, who screams hysterically.
Jay: "*That* was selling. That was like Scott Hall-level selling."
-- Coach stumbles away, and the boys are all, "Dude, you shouldn't have done that." In response, Tajiri's all, "Nani?"
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Bisch picks Nidia, to everyone's excitement. (Hey, this is my recap and I'm saying you all should have been excited, dammit.)
-- Nids vs. Molly, whose wig looks a lot like Stephanie's old hair. The strap is white this week, better to offset the wig. Heh.
-- You know...Molly's fake hair actually looks much better than Nidia's real hair. Just say no to overstraightening.
-- TICKER OF DOOM!
-- The wig comes off (as expected), and N gets a rollup. Woo!
-- Recap of Adam. (OMG there's stars on his pants! How did I not see that last week?)
-- Bisch (dammit, he pulled off the glasses) and TEJ in the office. Bisch wants TEJ to find Adam, but Ad's not around, so Bisch books the absent one against Kane at Backlash. I smell a five-star classic. (*cough*) Also, TEJ looks hot here, but Bisch is not swayed.
-- commercials. Don't you wish you were CJ?
-- Hurrishane comes out, and gets punked by Trips. Dude. Sometimes I just think this is personal. Granted, that's because I'm paranoid. Heh.
-- Trips is all, I got to come back to Raw because Bisch loves me and not you, so HA.
-- Hunter: "He's gotta have the Franchise --"
me: "John Cena?" (Don't look at me like that, he called himself that last week.)
Jay: "Shane Douglas?"
me and Jay in perfect unison: "Sting?"
-- Hunt continues, saying basically that Kurt didn't want him around (BECAUSE HE WANTS YOUR WOMAN OMG).
-- H: "I'd tell you I feel like a million bucks, but I wouldn't want to take the pay cut." It's probably wrong that I giggle at that.
-- Dammit, Hunter looks hot today. Black *is* slimming.
-- Bisch is all, "I can't change the Backlash main event because it's 'against the law'," and he does air-quotes and generally looks dorktastic.
-- Instead, he makes it a WMXX triple-threat rematch. OMGWHY. What was that about originality? Because it is DYING.
-- commercials
-- More Walking Tall stuff. I accidentally ignore it.
-- Evo backstage. Trips apologizes, sort of. They spot Shelton, and H is all, hey, that Suck Squad guy laughed at me. He sics Dave on him (who yells frighteningly for a bit), then gets bored with waiting and punks him out himself.
-- Lance!!! He comes out and complains that he didn't get traded to SmackDown (OMG SO TRUE). Rhyno comes out. Begin squash. End squash.
-- Tajiri in Bisch's office. Coach accuses Tajiri of saying things he probably doesn't even know how to say in English. Bisch looks hot thoughtful, then books Tajiri vs. Kane. For half a second I think he's going to start yelling at Tajiri in Japanese (what? he seems like someone who might know some Japanese) and I nearly die.
-- Speaking of which, right now, Kane hates you all.
-- commercials
-- Shawn/Benoit vs. Batista/Flair. TEJ is the ref. No, I don't know why either.
-- Oh, TEJ is now going by "Johnny Nitro", by the way. (Kiss-up.) Of course, he lets B/F cheat all over. Woo!
-- You know, even before this match got a guest referee, I was sitting here thinking, "Why do they have these matches where you *know* what's going to happen?" Then I realized that, without them, the show would be two minutes long.
-- TEJ is totally working his way through the American Gladiators' names.
-- I thought I saw a sign that said, "Eww, het." CANNOT COPE. I need to make one of those and bring it with me.
(It actually just says "Hey". In case you were wondering.)
-- Flair does a suplex of some kind that makes Jay applaud.
-- It's like TFD is constantly spiking a football. Great times.
-- Shark Boy sign!
-- Flair goes up the turnbuckle! The crowd tries to warn him, which is really funny because it's like everyone shouts "Noooo" in unison. In a show of blind optimism, TFD points up. Hee!
-- mid-match commercials. We decide it'd be funny if, one of these times, the match ended during the commercials and they had to figure out how to explain this to the audience. Also, Jay gets hypocritical and says that in this match, it doesn't *matter* if there are commercials, because Benoit, Michaels, and Flair are in it. Okay.
-- We return to:
JR: "Chris Benoit receiving a restaurant-quality beatdown!" I want to know what kind of restaurants JR eats at.
-- Hey, my pajamas have pockets! Cool!
-- Oh, the match. Sweet Chin Music on Flair for a pin. ...Wait, what?
-- Benoit has the same reaction I just did. Heh. Then they hug -- SLUTS.
-- TEJ says, hey wait, Flair wasn't legal. Shawn's all, dammit, and decks TEJ for a DQ. Idiot. Benny, see what kind of terrible tag partner you just hugged?
-- Shawn drags TEJ back into the ring. Then for unknown reasons, as Benny gives TEJ the Crossface, Shawn flops around on the mat like a dying fish.
-- Bisch's office (which really ought to have a clever name with all the time I spend referring to it). Shelton! He wants Bisch to "do somethin ABOUT it" (and even says so). Bisch wants Benj to know his role. Austin shows up, and Bisch is all, "Oh, *you*."
-- Austin: "That's how you get things done around here. Do somethin!"
Jay: "ABOUT it!"
-- Shelton wants a match with Trips. Bisch agrees, basically saying, 'S your funeral.
-- commercials. Jay expresses shock that they actually have a sold-out show for once.
-- Slam of the Week: Trish/Jay(too)/Chris at WMXX. Madness.
-- The Highlight Reel (*finally*). OMG HE'S HOT. Even though his hair is so short. Tear.
-- Ceej: "I'm gonna git you two."
-- Enter Trish, who pretends to *be* Ceej at the top of the ramp. Hee!
-- JR: "She is ex-wife material."
-- Trish is all gleeful about the no-touchy. CJ looks like he still wants her. Rawr.
-- She says that Jay said Chris wanted to use them both (OT3!!!).
-- OMG I CAN'T TAKE THE HOTNESS IN THE RING.
-- Dude, I didn't even notice he's wearing head-to-toe chessboard today, that's how flippin hot he is.
-- CJ makes about 8000 blowjob jokes, has a fit of some kind, and breaks out the pet names for Trish. Steph is mad jealous, yo.
-- Then he conducts the crowd in it, cheerfully chirping, "That sounds like a symphony!"
-- HE IS THE KING OF THE DORKS. There is something deeply wrong with a world in which we are not married.
-- AND I HUGGED HIM, DAMMIT. I TOUCHED A GOD AMONG GEEKS.
-- Sorry. I'll try to contain myself.
-- commercials
-- It's raining in Cincinnati.
-- Backstage, Trish+Jay geek out, in the uber-awkward hug. Heh.
-- Earlier Tonight, Coach was "squealing like a pig caught under a gate", according to JR.
-- Tajiri/Kane. They pretend it's not a squash, which is nice of them.
-- Then Tajiri greenmists Kane and wins by countout. What? He gets chokeslammed for it, though, so I guess that's the moral.
-- Adam comes out to spear Kane. (Leather vest this week.) He also looks awfully pretty, and not quite the ten years older he had previously looked.
-- comemrcials
-- Backstage: WHEN BENNYS COLLIDE!!1!!!1!!
-- Benoit gives Shelton a pep talk, sorta. Shelton almost apologizes for the Suck Squad stuff, and I get distracted (because OMG BENGLE THEIRLUVWASSOTRUE).
-- Hurri (icing his face, awww) encourages Shelton as well. Then Mick, randomly walking past, does too, only his minispeech includes "On Raw, you never get a second chance to make a first impression." Go wherever you want with that.
-- New segment! "SmackDown Rebound" (which is extremely helpful for people like me who WORK ON THURSDAYS, WAH): Package of draft folks, BvsE, Kurt being the SEXY BITCH he is, and DiBradshaw.
-- Flair peptalks Trips. H tries not to giggle.
-- commercials
-- Jerry: "Now the Game is going to walk tall." (HUNTER/ROCKY OTP!!!!)
-- Hey, look, a two-pack! You go, Hunter...you go.
-- JR: "He likes to throw his weight around, use his influence --"
me: "Huh. He said, 'Throw his weight around.'"
-- Sign of the night: "Legalize gay marriage -- bring back Chuck and Billy."
-- Benj must have gotten a shot in or something, because H made a retarded-puppy face that isn't very becoming.
-- They taunt each other with near-falls. It's all very cute.
-- For the record, Shelton is breaking out the Fucking Technical Wrestling (TM).
-- Dude, I think this match is officially making me a Benj mark, like, *outside* the confines of the Suck Squad. Sweet.
-- Flair comes out, and Benoit as well, to neutralize him. Stares!!!
-- commercials. NEW YJ STINGER FREESTYLE! Long. Plugs everything. Unfortunately, they don't let him dork out at the end, because they need every last available second to make sure he talks up all the flavors, or something.
-- Jay (to Carrot Top): "Two words -- 15 minutes of fame! Oh, wait, that's four words."
-- Apres commercials, Flair & Benoit are still hanging out.
-- You know...I've never really thought about how disturbing it is to have Flair in the Raw shirt.
-- MES. Benny's new shirt is khaki. That intrigues me. I don't know why.
-- Trips does a top rope jump and face-first flop -- BODY SNATCH!
-- Jerry: "Flair's like money in the bank." So true.
-- Rollup! Shelton wins! FEAR THE ROLLUP! Hunter pulls his hair and freaks out, and from there, we go out.