Raw, 4/4/05
(where everyone abuses Lita, my hatred for fake-Divas makes me exaggerate,
and the Shipper Gods bitchslap Randy Orton.)
-- Wrestlemania package. To which there's no linear timeline
whatsoever.
me: "...Was Dave just dancing?"
Jay: "He looks like a gay cowboy shooting at his enemies."
-- I liked Wrestlemania better at that length. ...Okay, I guess I'm not allowed to say that since I haven't watched the whole thing yet. Hmmph. Jay, meanwhile, bitches about the song they were using, and how "poppy" it is, but AT LEAST IT'S NOT "CRACK ADDICT".
-- OMG WHAT THE HELL IT'S TRIPS. I thought the point of him losing the title was to *not* open the show after a PPV with his promos. (*cries*)
-- Sharing my pain, the camera catches literally an *entire screen* of anti-HHH signs. Heh.
-- His head looks all fucked-up.
-- Hunter: "If anyone thinks this is the beginning of a new era, you are
WRONG!"
me: "It's the same crap as always!"
-- He bitches about how Dave had one good night, while *he* is *consistently*
annoying successful. He sounds, uh, a little jealous
of TFD.
Hunter: "I am great EVERY night!"
me: "In bed!"
-- He also claims that the belt is sentient (well, that's how it sounds at least) and will return to him, because if you love something, you should set it free. And then it will come back. Like Toothbrush.
-- Then Trips makes his way out of the ring and shouts down a fan in the front. Literally right in the face. The guy quiets down impressively. Okay.
-- Next up, a triple-threat with Shelton, Christian, and Jericho. w00t!
-- commercials
-- Rewind (I think?): Shelton T-Bones Adam off the ladder, although it's really more of a powerslam.
-- Jay* sells his way up the ramp. His outfits scare me.
-- Dear Chris Jericho, pliz to stop cutting your hair. Kthxbai.
-- Okay, admittedly I'm probably too tired to be doing this, but that's no reason to call in the Ticker of Doom. Honestly, production truck.
-- JR: "Not the most strongest kickout I've ever seen." He talks good English.
-- Ooh, TRIPLE SUPERPLEX. That's wild.
JR: "That was three layers of disaster."
-- Ceej tries to pin both of them at the same time. See, dear, that's called hubris.
-- Anyway, I forgot to take any other notes on this match. According to what I *do* have, Ceej totally almost had it. Alas, no. I hate you, Shelton. (...Okay, not really, I really rather like Shelton. But that's beside the point.)
-- This week's BischCave has purple walls. Heh. Adam, wearing
a Headbanger's Ball shirt, discusses his newly-acquired contract with
Bisch.
Adam: "*I* am Money in the Bank!"
-- Bisch tells him that, in the present, he'll be fighting Benny. Adam grunts in response. No, literally.
-- commercials
-- Enter Ort, looking dejected. The announce team talks him up nevertheless.
-- Someone has a really cool UT sign, with his picture and all his WM victories listed.
-- Randy: "It wasn't --"
me: "My fault!"
Randy: "-- supposed to be this way!"
me: "Oh."
Randy: "I was supposed to beat the Undertaker at his own game!"
Jay: "Well maybe you shouldn't have screwed around with women backstage!"
-- He blames his loss on his shoulder injury. Hey, are we going to get more RNN?
-- Dude, Randy says he doesn't respect Dave! (*sniffles for Ortista*) Ah, he's really just mad that Dave didn't stick up for him when Hunter kicked him out.
-- Sign: "Orton Kills Ratings"
-- Enter Bisch. Ort doesn't even let him make his excuses, just yells over him that he wants to fight Dave. Bisch is all, FINE then, whore.
-- Backstage, Trish struts through the hallway, again with her weird pseudo-suspenders. Her hair looks darker, but we can't figure out if it's just the light.
-- commercials
-- JR: "Are you ready for a Wrestlemania rematch?"
Jay: "No."
-- Sign: "I <3 Evil Trish"
-- Trish Chick-Kicks Christy before the bell even rings. HA! Then she and Amy get into fisticuffs, and she pulls Amy's leg *way* back. Ow.
-- Crowd: "Hardy! Hardy!"
Jay: "Yeah, like *Matt's* gonna save her?" I laugh, because I'm evil.
-- me: "Jay, would it be wrong to not want Amy to wrestle anymore?"
Jay: "No."
me: "Okay."
Jay: "Until she relearns how to wrestle?"
me: "*Re*?"
-- commercials
-- They discuss the WM theme song.
JR: "That's some great music, by the way."
Jay: "Yeah, if you like...crap."
-- Package of Eugene, MH3, and Hulk. Thankfully much, much shorter than the real thing.
-- commercials. me: (re: Kung Fu Hustle) "Was that Tajiri?"
-- Steve's commercial. You know, the guy they have playing Commodus looks like the bastard child of Jake Epstein and Conor Oberst.
-- Shawn in a suit. With a peach-orange tie. Huh. He limps his way to the ring.
-- Shawn: "Now, I'm not gonna take a lot of your time --"
me: "Yeah, unlike Trips."
-- It's harder to snark on New!Shawn. Has anyone else had that problem?
-- Wait, here's one:
Shawn: "I will do everything in my power to give you exactly what you want."
Heh. Tart.
-- Enter MH3 (again), who JR says displays "a total lack of disrespect". What?
-- Sign: "Hassan 7:11"
-- While MH3 talks, Shawn grabs a seat atop the turnbuckle, looking relaxed and chewing his gum. Hee.
-- ...Did MH3 just say "tapped oat"?
-- Apparently, we embrace mediocrity (isn't that one of Old!CJ's lines?) because we fear Hassan. Uh-huh.
-- MH3's voice cracks, Shawn slaps him, fisticuffs ensue, kickup on the injured leg (idiot), beatdown on Shawn.
-- Great Moments In Out-Of-Context Quotes:
JR: "Shawn's starting to stir a little......Dammit."
-- commercials
-- Boot of the Week: Conladderto and some other Money In The Bank spots, plus Adam's win.
-- He runs out carrying the briefcase. It's like the KotR trophy all over again.
-- Sign: "Lita Puts Out"
-- Enter Benny. Those stitches of his are TEH OW. Adam makes hot faces.
-- Jay (once again critiquing Benoit's tights): "Red and yellow is okay, but to add blue to the mix is DISGUSTING."
-- I don't remember exactly what we were talking about that led to this, but right after Jay comments that Benny is "not the smartest guy in the ring", he flies out of the ring and smacks his wounded arm on the apron. (*snicker*)
-- Ticker 2.0: WM21 pics at the website, a new DiVaD, WM auctions (Jay:
"Nothing's as cool as a coffin autographed by the Undertaker"), more pluggage
for WWE 24/7, and you can buy "the original" Hulkamania t-shirt.
Jay: "Really, the *original* t-shirt? Because it was just a white shirt
that said 'Hulkamania' on it."
-- Adam is totally making up his own submissions.
-- Jay: "Here [Benoit] goes, being stupid again." Bellyflop O' Carnage on the arm. Yes.
-- Jay calls the Dubba on their crappy attendance math -- apparently even though tonight's show is in the same arena as WM, and there are less people here now, both nights are sold out. Uh....huh.
-- commercials
-- OMG Adam stole Benny's bandage! What a bitch!!!one!!!!
-- I should probably be writing about this match or something. Ad goes for the arm, Crossface, Ad powers out and looks CRAYZAY. Benny dodges the Spear and gets a rollup, and Adam's all OMGWTFBBQ. He tosses Benny into the stairs and hits him with a chair a few times. And looks crazy some more. Yay, crazy!Edge. He then happily grabs his briefcase and heads off to steal someone else's girlfriend.
-- commercials
-- I comment about being mad at Ort for messing with my ORTISTA.
Jay: "Oh, *now* you're mad at Randy?"
me: "Well, what reason did I have before? ...Whose bag got crapped
in, anyway?"
Jay: "One of the new SmackDown divas."
me: "There! You see? I'd have crapped in her bag too!"
-- Simon Dean shills. Maven assists. Austin arrives.
Austin: "It's good to be back in Los Angle-eeeez." (Yes, "angle", like
Kurt.)
-- He takes offense at Nova's problem with beer, or something. Then he turns to Maven and barks, "You've got no hair. You're tryin to be Stone Cold?" Yeah, lord knows *I'd* want to.
-- SD: "I don't have a problem with beer as long as it's lo-carb beer!" SC looks horribly offended at the very *idea*.
-- Anyway, SCSA tries to convince SD to drink the beer. He attempts it prissily, and then starts doing pushups to work off the calories. Oy. The pushups start out looking really obscene, by the way. Steve happily keeps him down there for a while, so that he eventually winds up doing girl pushups. Heh.
-- Austin (before trying the protein shake): "If it clashes with my system, somebody call 911. I don't want it to lower my blood alcohol content."
-- Maven smacks SD on the shoulder, accidentally knocking the drink everywhere. Nova looks terrified. The crowd chants, "You fucked up!" Stunners abound.
-- Jerry: "There's Stone Cold's idea of a balanced diet -- a beer in each hand!"
-- commercials
-- There's like no time left, so this match is going to be bite-sized.
-- Hey, the Oversized Belt doesn't look that Oversized on Dave. Freaky. He poses. Outside the ring, Randy glowers hotly.
-- He totally almost slapped Dave's ass. It looked accidental, but still.
-- OMG IT'S A MAIN EVENT CHINLOCK.
-- Dave throws Randy into the corner. From a couple of different directions. Thus allowing him to leave and have his surgery, le sigh. Ort wanders back into the ring for a SPINEBUSTER OF DESTRUCITY.
-- Sign: "Batista is so January"
-- Anyhow, BBomb for the win. Dave doesn't look too happy (awww, <3).
Trips comes out to hog the ending applaud Dave, and
we're out.