Raw Recap, 4/8/02
(where there is much ECW nostalgia, anyone in a position of power seems vaguely
gay, and everything is a personal shoutout to me.)
-- To open up, we have a HHHSquared video, despite the fact that neither
of these guys are actually *on* the show we're about to see. Still. Hunter
looks way too amused talking to Hogan.
-- Opening...it's pretty. And dammit, I really like the new Raw song.
-- Sign: "Stone Cold is a damn woman." I would say we're off to a pretty good start.
-- Mark (or Booger Red, as JR so lovingly calls him) rides out, "a little bit of confused, and a whole lot of pissed off".
-- He sums up the title picture, saying it's "unacceptable" and "a bunch of bull (*BIG TNN BEEP*)", mainly for the reason that, naturally, he's not in it.
-- He also threatens to commandeer the ring until his demands are met (why is this the new in-threat now? and if they're *going* to shout out to DX like that can we at least have some guys playing strip poker again?); knowing better than to have Mark commandeer the airwaves for anything longer than two minutes, Flair comes out *as* Mark is making this threat. Heh.
-- Sign: "Flair fears Jazzercise"
-- Everyone on screen is still pondering why Flair picked Mark as his first draft pick...you know what, let's not, because the longer I spend thinking about things like this, the more outlandish and disturbing my theories get.
-- M calls F a "no good son of a bitch", and for a second, he sounds as good as Evil!Mark. Yay!
-- M: "If someone beat me up as good as I beat you up, I'd be hot too." Dammit, Mark, didn't I *just* say to STOP bringing that up?
-- Speaking of which, Sign: "I've climbed Space Mountain." Eww, eww, and EWW. I need to go wash my brain.
-- Oh yeah, Austin made an appearance in here somewhere while I was doing said washing.
-- JR: "You have to wonder what Stone Cold has on his mind here
tonight."
Jerry: "Beer?"
-- You know...as much as I hate to admit it...I kinda *love* Austin's free-association "What" promos. (*kicks Austin*)
-- Oh, and by the way, he blatantly hits on Mark, saying that he'll kickstart his bike and "ride it as long as he wants".
-- I think the lack of pretty, fruity guys on this show has made Austin/Redneck!Mark kinda hot. That's really sad.
-- F (to M): "You wore my ass out." (*hangs head in shame*)
-- Flair says if anyone attacks him, "there'll be hell to pay". Which would have been more effective if his voice hadn't cracked.
-- So, to solve the whole number-two-contender thing, M has to fight RVD (and looks pissed) while A has to fight Hall again (and looks pleased).
-- M calls A "cueball" and they get in a bitchfight. Mark is at a disadvantage, as he doesn't have the option to go for the hair.
-- commercials
-- Hi, Kurt Angle! Wait...are commercials over? Wait...isn't this Raw?
-- Olympic shot. You know, he was much cuter then. And not just because he was in the Olympics. Yeah.
-- Although I do wonder sometimes if I would find him nearly as attractive if he'd never won *that* particular form of bling-bling...
-- Wait, have I already made this reference?
-- Well, anyway, from this commercial, I have learned how to pronounce "angina", so it wasn't *totally* damaging to my mental state.
-- When we're back, it's Bubba v. Booker for the HC belt.
-- Heh. H/C. No, I don't spend too much time reading fic, that my mind immediately went to angst-abbreviations. (*cough*)
-- Anyway. Booker provides us with the Spinerooni. The crowd's less enthused than usual. I'm convinced it's because they didn't have to plead for it.
-- Bubba asks them to play some funky music, and starts dancing, until Booker feels threatened by his Funky White Boy Groove (TM) and goes after him.
-- BT's tights are pretty.
-- There's a trumpet among the weapons they've brought out. JR&J wonder how you can use a trumpet in a hardcore match. Um...is this an American Pie 2 reference?
-- Jer: "There's the trumpet. Let's see somebody get horny in there." Jay convulses as if he's about to throw up.
-- Poor BB and his table are no longer a well-oiled machine. Alas, D-Von, you are suddenly missed.
-- BB puts Goldust through a table (yeah, it's a 24-7 thing) and dances out.
-- commercials. Aww, I'm upset there's a real Backlash commercial now. No more Cute!Adam. Sigh.
-- We mock Steph in the FC com. Ha!
-- Trish interview. She sounds vaguely amused. Or high.
-- T (re: Molly): "Of course she got me good....from behind." I try really hard not to snicker, because I am 12.
-- Regal interrupts, says "cret-in", and calls Spike an abortion on society. I think. Actually, from my notes, I have no idea what was going on here.
-- Anyway. Kane reads the Divas magazine, don'tcha know. Giant mask-wearing Weakest Link winners have needs too!
-- K: "Just because I have a burnt face, that doesn't mean my other parts aren't working." Not according to 'Pac, dude. But then, I'm probably the only person in the world who remembers that line, and had it as a .wav file.
-- Anyway. He throws customary props to Fluffy (there's still love there *somewhere*, dammit! it's not like anyone *else* ever offers respect to Fluff), but proclaims that it's a fact of life that X-Pac sucks. Oh, you're just pissed about the slander. Sheesh, insult a guy's equipment once, and it stays in his mind forever.
-- K: "Freaks kick ass!" Heh. You know, as much as I hate saying so, I kinda love Kane lately.
-- Not in the way Terri does, though. She stares adoringly at him at the end of this interview. She totally wants some.
-- Speaking of wanting some, H&N stare at Fluffy's ass as he goes all nunchucky. Dude, I swear, this entire segment is old-school all over again.
-- Adding to which, they call him a Giant Killer (but I thought that was Kev's title?) and Fluff asks them to stay backstage when he fights Kane, because he's got something to prove, or whatever.
-- commercials
-- JR: "I don't know if X-Pac's made a detour of the information superhighway..." I don't even know what that *means*.
-- Although there was probably a webporn joke in there somewhere, and I can't quite find it.
-- Jay (without being prompted): "You and me, that's what's tight. We're bros." Heh. I told you it's old school.
-- I need Bou fic.
-- H&N brutally ignore X's request and beat up Kane when the duo find their way backstage. Not that Fluff minds, as he gleefully goes for and steals the mask. Is this a Kev v. Little Rey reference?
-- Bradshaw makes the save, but JR says Kane's been "grounded for good". Do you think if he'd said "grounded for life", they'd have had to pay royalties?
-- commercials. Rocky's hot when he says he makes his own destiny.
-- Replay of K/F. You know, Fluff's kinda built for a little guy.
-- Elsewhere, Fluff's wearing the mask. Ha! That's always funny. Now I miss my screencap of Kev in Rey's mask.
-- Oh, by the way, Kev in this segment goes all psycho and picks up Flair to yell at him, so Flair's gonna suspend Kev indefinitely...."without pay!" See, Flair knows what's *really* important to the big man.
-- Kev announces that he's gonna sue Flair, except he announces it much in the way that Steph once announced that she needed SPACE.
-- Regal v. Spike -- Spike *immediately* goes for the hidden knucks, knocks out Regal, and gets the pin in the space of four seconds. Ha!
-- Now *that* was good.
-- Backstage there is much celebrating, and I swear Tommy calls Spike "baby". I wonder if anyone else noticed that and can confirm it.
-- There's much pouring of Slurpees (the hairdressers are shrieking some outrage right about now...damn their not being sponsored by Evian!) and then Bubba shakes hands with his runt half-bro. Awwww. Face much?
-- commercials
-- Sign: "Bo's an idiot". Well, yes, that's *true*, but I didn't think *this* audience was the type to have noticed.
-- Did you ever think about the absurdity of RVD being a huge WWF star? At least he didn't bring Fonzie.
-- God, I miss ECW. Particularly Joey and Cyrus.
-- And the Impact Players. (Who, yes, I realize are technically still here, but please, like they're doing well enough to count?)
-- And Tajiri v. Super Crazy.
-- And Roadkill and Doring.
-- And the PPVs...
-- My God, I even miss Rhino.
-- Oh, right, there's a match going on!
-- Eh, it's no RVD v. Jerry Lynn.
-- Mark does this leg-pull thing that suddenly reminds me that he was out for quite a while with a groin injury.
-- RVD's such a showoff. And not in the half-assed, Jeff Hardy way. I mean, he's just got flourish built into his *nature*. I love him to bits.
-- When other people go looking for a chair, they have to shove people out of the way. Mark walks slowly over, and everyone runs.
-- Eddy spoils RVD's groove. Damn you, Eddy!
-- M chokeslams -- RVD kicks out! BWA! Eat that, Deadman!!!!!! (*clears throat*) Um, sorry, I have unresolved Mark bitterness. But he *does* have a great expression at this point.
-- The next sentence in my notes is: "Did you ever think about the stupidity of refs?" Now, I don't remember what this was referring to, but it's a good question nonetheless. So ponder that.
-- Oh, wait, I remember. See, a ref will see a guy obviously with the upper hand, all winning and full of energy. Then he'll turn his back, someone will interfere, and when he turns back around, that energetic guy is suddenly passed out and pinnable. Doesn't that ever seem ODD?
-- Eh.
-- Here's a thought that's more my speed: If anyone less hetero than Mark did the Last Ride, I would think it was an excuse to look at a whole lotta crotch.
-- commercials. I'm convinced half of TNN's network-specific commercials have Mick Foley as the announcer.
-- "Never bet on babies." Not even......BABY BUDDHA?
-- I need to not see Scorpion King commercials, by the way.
-- Replay. It's scintillating, by God.
-- Jazz sits down, with a black eye. She's the best commentator EVER!
-- Dude, Trish is fine. And look, silver pants! Whee, shoutout!
-- Molly's po'ed. She's also "pure and wholesome", or so she says in her interview with Coach (or is it TERRI?). And she's also wearing a lot of black, and is pretty fine herself as Evil!Molly.
-- JR: "Yes, I know the difference between Coach and Terri." Are you sure? Because the offer for flashcards still stands.
-- I ponder the real issue in this angle: Molly's hair. Now that's she's not sidekick-girl, it's not bright blonde anymore, it's more of a honey-blonde, making me wonder, is this her *real* hair color, or is she dying it darker now because she's evil? Hmmmm.
-- These are the important technical issues that occupy my mind, you see.
-- Molly goes for a sneaky choke. Heh.
-- Ha! The WWF is going to ABILENE! *HA*!
-- I literally cracked up when I heard that, and Jay got so confused. Poor Jay.
-- If there is ever a WWF-related reception of any kind in the Marriott-Marquis, I think I may just keel over and die. It's really sad.
-- Jazz finally comes alive, only it's to knock out Trish. Darn.
-- JR: "It's going to be intense, it's going to be physical, and it's going to be on Pay-Per-View." Are you *sure* this isn't porn?
-- Backstage, Paul tells Brock not to attack the audience, no matter how much they deserve it. Awww, really? Cause that would spice the show up.
-- Man, if there had to be ECW around here, did it *have* to be Paul E?
-- commercials. Dave and Taylor like to dress as women. Show of hands, who's surprised?
-- In addition, there's one of those WWF Live commercials we always make of...okay, as much as I can't find a reason for it, I must admit I'm really looking forward to the house show.
-- JR (re: Brock): "This is a horse, ladies and gentlemen!"
-- Paul E's hat brings an immediate chant of "Yankees suck". Damn you, Arizona! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- P: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your irrelevant opinion." Yeah, Paul E! Eat that, AZ! NYC, bitcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!
-- Um.......yup.
-- Paul E's babbling about his agenting skills. Apparently he's responsible for everything important in wrestling for about five years.
-- Brock has the largest neck I've *ever* seen.
-- P: "Don't take my word for it." Reading Rainbow?
-- He calls on "Mr. Producer" to roll B's glamour clip. Wait, Cameron Macintosh works here?
-- The Hardys, being idiots, come out to attack Brock. There's two of them, they bring chairs, and they *still* don't manage to even knock him *down*. That's messed.
-- Well, at least Jeffy had the decency to cover up his hair.
-- commercials
-- The Rewind is Show throwing Vince out of the building from last week. You know, that left a mark.
-- Perfect v. Show. We all know Perfect's done for. Even JR admits as much.
-- You've gotta love Curt's unnatural yellow hair.
-- It would have been *so* cool if Show had sold the PerfectPlex. No respect from the youngins round here.
-- SC invades Flair's office. I totally want to know what the stickers on "Flair's" laptop were.
-- commercials
-- Replay of A/M/F's contender nonsense. Sign: "Naked Boy 3:16"
-- More replaying -- now it's RVDv.M.
-- I *still* want to know who the computer on Flair's desk really belongs to. Lucaaaaaaas! Where aaaaaaaare yoooooooooooou???
-- Flair sounds kinda hurt that Austin doesn't like him. Don't feel bad, Ric, Austin doesn't like anyone. Hell, I don't even think Austin likes Debra.
-- commercials. Awww yeah, Jericho, bar debauchery, and Bob going apeshit -- what more do you want from a Tough Enough episode?
-- Dude, if they could get the guys out of their clothes again it might be the greatest show ever.
-- Okay, plus acknowledgement of the Anni/Jessie slashiness from earlier in the season, Hawk being declared a winner *right now*, and Al becoming President.
-- Anyway.
-- Austin/Hall now. Hear me care. Rah.
-- I still would've thought it was funny if Brock went for the plant-lookin guy in the front row. That'd teach him to stand for the entire show.
-- Okay, I think that guy just yelled, "C'mon, X-Pac!". I take it back, he can live.
-- Dude, I am totally ignoring the end of this show. Do you mind?
-- Well, in case you cared, Austin won through all adversity, but stunned Flair and has basically screwed himself over. But, I guess it's kind of understandable...if I were him, I don't know if I'd be able to resist the urge to randomly kick Ric Flair's ass, either.
-- I now have to go rid my mind of the awful thought of me *ever* being Steve Austin.
-- And with that, I'm off like Kurt's singlet in Hunter's evil clutches.