Raw Recap, 4/9/01
(where Vince's achilles heel is thoroughly smacked, just about everyone feels
the love in one form or another, and for once, heel antics genuinely bother
me.)
-- me (<strolling in around 9:15>): "What'd I miss?"
Jay: "Nothing."
me: "Nothing?"
Jay: "Well, Vince and Austin are holding JR hostage."
me: "Cooooool."
-- Big Show bitches about UT keeping him from beating Kane for the Hardcore Title, and wants Hermie to relate the message. I would pay to see Kevin Kelly try to give *any* message to Mark with anything resembling composure.
-- Vince and Austin play JR a tape of him getting his ass kicked on Thurs. Does anyone really believe that this is for JR's benefit and not for those who were too lazy to watch Smackdown?
-- While JR watches the video, Austin has wandering hands. No, seriously. It's sincerely disturbing. <recoils>
-- Um....you know, rewatching this video...the world needs Austin and JR to never speak to each other or about each other, ever again. I don't want to know anything about their "special" friendship. Uuuuuuugh.
-- On second thought, it's possible that Austin needs to just not interact with *anyone*. Raving slut.
-- Well....except maybe Rocky. Because, you know, they're made for each other. <snicker>
-- Why is this segment still going on?
-- The vid (finally) ends, and Austin basically tells JR that he's not his type. Or at least that's how I understood it, which doesn't count for a whole lot, but is a relieving sentiment nonetheless.
-- JR threatens Vince with a lawsuit, temporarily making Vince's eyes pop right out of his head. He then threatens to quit, which is an idea that Vince is all for until JR has to spell out that that would mean he'd go to work for Shane instead. At which point Vince decides that JR needs to keep working in the WWF on principle.
-- commercials
-- JR takes his place at the table, and a disappointed Paul stands up and starts yelling into his face, "Hi Jim! Hey buddy! Boy, have I missed you!" with an enormous CrackGrin (TM).
-- Rhino fights Crash and Molly in a handicap match. I feel like I've already seen this, even though I'm gonna guess I haven't. Hmm.
-- Stephanie forgets her lines. Well, more than usual. She sounds distracted by Linda arriving on the TV in the background long before Linda *does* arrive on said TV.
-- When she does, though, Steph gets *really* distracted, and says to Vince, "Don't worry, you've got Shane under contract." To his credit (or something), Vince only gives her a *slightly* strange look as he replies, "I don't have Shane under contract, I have JR under contract."
-- commercials
-- Linda shows up and is greeted by the Acolytes and by Joanie, who spouts girl power.
-- Spike attempts to do an interview, which is interrupted by X-Factor, who kick his ass in a very high school bully-type moment. Eh, Fluffy's just thrilled that there's finally someone smaller than him to push around.
-- Replay of the Ben-n-Jeri moments on Monday and Thursday, and of Hunter's IC title win. Including that beautiful smirk of his when Chris kicked out and he realized he was going to get to inflict some more punishment on My Boy. Ahhhh, there's plenty of sadism in the WWF, but no one makes it as *pretty* as Hunter does.
-- Paul (re: CJ's save during Benny's beatdown): "No one cared but one
man!"
Jay: "You hear that? No one cared but one man."
me: "The love! The love!"
-- Regal calls in his boy Coach, sharing that he's disturbed by B-n-J's newfound respect (aren't we all), and decides to fix things by having them fight each other. Regal is my temporary hero for tonight. Which is a frightening concept, but I am an unapologetically shameless junkie for Benoit/Jericho matches.
-- Mark has another of those moments where he's shadowboxing while only half-wearing his shirt. These serve no purpose, and are *always* fun to have around.
-- commercials
-- Big Show's fighting Mark now. Sounds like a good time to go get something to eat.
-- commercials
-- Mark won. Good for him.
-- Linda comes to the ring, still using the old-school WM music. Which makes us wonder if it's some kind of nostalgia value, in-joke, or they're just too cheap to find her her own music for how infrequently she uses it.
-- Sign: "Linda McMahon took half my sign." <giggle>
-- Linda refers to Shane as a "tall-standing McMahon". But, um, aren't they all? It's like in Vince's genes or something. <gets hit> What?
-- JR twice refers to Linda as "saintly". If she doesn't turn heel in my lifetime, I will lose all faith in the McMahon name.
-- For once, they replay a clip that *needs* to be replayed, as it's Vince's divorce request from four months ago.
-- Heh heh...I was *there*.
-- Still more replays, these slightly less necessary, of Vince's relationship with Trish. This is because we all know that WWF fans can barely remember what happened last week.
-- Hey...what did happen last week, anyway? <ducks flying objects>
-- Linda then recaps all of the pertinent info of the WM match. Jeez, did they need a lot of filler or what?
-- Vince grovels to Linda, in a blatant and desperate attempt to hang onto the contents of his wallet. Linda decides to throw his own words back at him (doesn't do it as well, though; doesn't have the growl), prompting him to freeze into this great expression of complete shock.
-- commercials
-- Whaddya *mean* there's still 48 minutes left? I wanna play Paper Mario, dammit!
-- Amy compliments the hell out of Linda, for no discernable reason.
-- Oh. Vince overhears, stares at Amy like she's a worm, and decides that she and the Hardys are gonna fight Steph, Hunter, and Austin.
-- Replay of Albert tossing Spike like a ragdoll at the frequently-destroyed interview fence, leading us into a Dudleys v. Fluffy-n-Co match.
-- X-Factor come out, to some truly crappy music. They then share that Uncle Kracker did it. Wait, shouldn't that have been a *good* thing?
-- JR refers to XF as a 6-man combination. You see, mistakes like this are because he's still traumatized by his abduction. <nods> Suuuuuure.
-- Fluff gets taken out by some angry Dudleys, Albert basically breaks Spike's leg by throwing him out of the ring and down the aisle, and Peej saves Fluffy by tripping him so he falls on his face (and out of harm's way, but, well, the fun part is that Fluffy falls down).
-- XF leave gloating, before tripping over Spike in the middle of the aisle. No, literally.
-- H&S whine at Vince, who calls them selfish and takes off.
-- H to S: "He's *your* father." Steph then sulks, as I probably would if I were her and reminded of that fact.
-- Ben-n-Jeri are up next! Rah! ....Ah, leave me alone, and let me be a tool in piece. <grin>
-- commercials
-- Matt and Amy panic over their upcoming match, but Jeffy's ecstatic, mainly because he's a friggin crackhead.
-- You've gotta love the way he rolled off the couch, though. That boy does not *move* like normal people.
-- Chris is wearing the gay pants. <giggle> At least the two of them aren't wearing matching outfits again.
-- Also, he's all clean-shaven and perty, making me momentarily wonder if he cleaned up for the occasion. Hmm.
-- Regal decides that he's gonna ref this, taking to the job looking kinda like a society matron.
-- Everyone unanimously agrees that Benoit and Jericho have been getting too chummy. The love! The love!
-- We start wondering which of them's gonna hit Regal first. Logic dictates CJ, but Benny looks considerably annoyed.
-- They decide to play pingpong with him instead. Benny helpfully rips the ref shirt, so that they can make Regal's chest turn that interesting shade of shocking pink again. It's the little touches like that that make me simultaneously really fond of and really *scared* of Chris Benoit.
-- ....................THE LOVE!
-- <clears throat> Er, sorry. I mean, double submission. WoJ and Crossface at the same time, which looks *so* many levels of painful.
-- Of course, Benny is the last to let go when the refs rush the ring, because you don't lose those sociopathic tendencies so easily.
-- Paul: "Benoit and Jericho aren't even *friends*! Benoit and Jericho don't
even *like* each other!"
me: "You mean they have to *like* each other to be screwing each other's
brains out? Well shit, there go all my illusions."
-- Of course, I did not say this *aloud*, as Jay probably would have smacked me.
-- They do that stare thing again. For once, they *both* remember not to look like lovesick puppies. Good work, boys, earn your pay.
-- commercials
-- JR basically offers a requiem to the XFL. I wonder if he realizes that that's what it sounds like.
-- JR: "One *million* dollars." <I put pinky to mouth> "You can't put
a price on the passion."
me: ".......You just did." Jay cracks up.
-- Stevie and his boy try to recruit Raven. I *so* bet that's Stevie's idea. He always *did* want Scotty.
-- Scotty tries to leave, and Val grabs him, looking for a full second like he's going to kiss him. Scotty thankfully gets away, not before going all Raven-ish in speech. Stevie looks *so* disappointed.
-- Replay of Rhino goring Crash.
JR: "Look at the devastating Gore!"
Paul: "THE GORE! THE GORE!"
me (<thinking>): "Hey, it's like if me and Jay were commentating."
-- Edge and Christian at WWFNY. I wish I was there. <sigh> They're having a celebratory party, complete with little umbrellas (which get the party started).
-- Hunter, Steph, and Austin plan. Well, except for Steph. They apparently know better than to get her involved.
-- commercials
-- There be Scotty, his hair, and his shorts. Life is good.
-- Scotty looks horrified at having to sell the Ho Train. Could be worse, darling, it could be The Worm.
-- Hmm...four RTC members....one Scotty. Yeah, I can see how this had a shot. <rolls eyes>
-- commercials. I guess they just realized that maybe they could have done without some of that filler.
-- Sign: "Jeff Hardy: The Swanton Sex Bomb" I grin like a fool.
-- Wheeee, Backlash logo! ....Sorry, nostalgia.
-- Steph is unconsciously mimicking Hunter's facial expression as they come down the ramp, which is *frightening*.
-- Paul: "STONE COLD! STONE COLD!" <gleefully, to JR> "There goes your whole gimmick for 4 years!"
-- JR: "I thought I knew him, but I was deadass wrong." Heh...a new favorite phrase.
-- Jeffy's hair is a deadly weapon. He swings it at Austin, who recoils and almost falls off the apron.
-- Amy wants to fight Hunter. Hardy-brand insanity is apparently contagious.
-- Matt and Amy have a genuinely sweet and painful moment, as they crawl towards each other and Amy throws herself on Matt to try and keep him from getting any more chairshots. Hunter and Austin don't even flinch, because they are cruelass bastards. <sniffle>
-- After they're done with their moment of unadulterated evil, Austin hits Hunter with that stare of pure lust that's reserved just for Hunner. <shudder> I *told* you the only reason Austin hooked up with Vince was to help in his continuing quest to get in Hunter's pants.
-- ....And on that lovely image, the show is over. Ciao. <runs off in search of a cheap lobotomy>