Smackdown Recap, 4/19/01
(where Vince breaks the unwritten McMahon rule, the saga of Benoit and Jericho continues in earnest, and Mark and Glen take over the world.)

-- Just for the record, before we started, I've decided that I can't be a Ben-n-Jeri shipper anymore. <nods> I mean, what fun is it if there isn't at the very least the *undertone* that they're just gonna kill each other one of these days?

-- .........Also for the record, I'm not psychologically messed-up enough that this is my standpoint on *all* relationships. Just theirs. <snicker>

-- Promo vid of Mark saving Jeffy. <pause> Okay, so that's a very narrow way of looking at it, but hey, I'm a Bou girl at heart.

-- One of the commentators (yeah, like I remember these things when I don't write them down?): "Regal is trying to stick it to Y2J and Benoit!"

me: "Yeah, good luck on that, they're too busy trying to stick it to each other."

-- ......What? I'm not shipping. I just couldn't resist that.

-- <blinks at Titantron> Commissioner Fred?

-- .....Oh. It's just Bod. Because right, we *don't* live in a copy of Wrestlemania 2000. (Much to the relief of non-Drag-Queen Steve Austin.)

-- Hi, Mark.

-- Nah, you didn't miss anything, there was just nothing more to that comment.

-- For a second, I thought Regal was exiting to generic rock music. It's Rhino entering. Oh.

-- Austin's wearing red knee braces. He's being *festive* today!

-- H&A attack Kane with chairs, a la their Hardy attacks. Assuming that Glen *fights* later (which, having slight knowledge of spoilers, I know he will), this basically makes the Hardys out to be little wussies. You know, the "<points at Kane> *He's* still fighting, what the hell is wrong with you?" sort of thing.

-- commercials

-- Glen limps away like (<gasp>) a *human*. Gee, all my illusions are blown.

-- Although, come to think of it, Mark limps away an awful lot for someone who's supposed to be vaguely supernatural. <snickers> Poor beat-up Mark.

-- Right To Censor apparently weighs over 1000 pounds. Or I just can't hear. Either way, you learn something new every day.

-- Bull has his tie off before they even get to the ring. Heh.

-- Tazz (off topic, as usual): "Usually, Benoit and Jericho would be a well-oiled machine."
me: <snorts>

-- Whether you want to fill that in with a joke about the fact that that statement's a bald-faced lie, or a joke about the "well-oiled" part of the statement, I leave completely up to you.

-- (But that second interpretation doesn't mean I'm still a shipper. Honest.)

-- So, the expert opinion on RTC's dissolution involves (<cough>sexual<cough>) frustration. I say it's Stevie's own fault for picking the most overtly straight people in the company.

-- Well...except Bull. He was a prison guard, you know.

-- And Ivory. For reasons we've already gone into.

-- We're regaled with a gratuitous reminder that yes, the XFL *is* still on.

-- Mark threatens Regal's health. I'm sure my planned description of this was much more interesting, but as that's all I wrote down in my notes, I have no idea what I was actually going to say. Oh well.

-- commercials, including the Backstage Mayhem one that Jay so enjoys making fun of.

-- Brian Christopher calls Eddy "dog". Great, now when I do that to people at random, I not only have to deal with the fact that I sound like I'm having an identity crisis, but I'll associate it with *him*.

-- (And, you know, *his* apparent identity crisis.)

-- Mark and Glen play Bad Cop-Worse Cop, setting Regal's office ablaze in the process.

-- Mark: "Kane, show Commissioner Regal what happens when you get angry."
me (automatically): "You wouldn't LIKE him when he's angry!"

-- I then try to figure out where the hell that came from. My unconscious is an odd place.

-- commercials

-- Moments Ago, Regal had a run-in with the WWF's favorite firebug.

-- Eddy's gonna beat tact into BC. This from the guy who makes the Big Show look politically correct.

-- I wonder what Lawler's doing with his life.

-- Reading my mind, Jay randomly shares that Jerry hasn't spoken to BC since he left. <ponders> I can just see it:

-- Jerry: "What do you *mean* you won't leave with me and Stacy?"
BC: <looks at Scott Taylor> <whimpers pitifully> "But Daaaa-aaaad..."
Jerry: "You're no son of mine!!!" <pause> <nudges Stacy, who's made no move to agree>
Stacy: <looks at Jerry oddly> "Well unless I was giving birth at *2*, I don't think that point was really up for discussion..."

-- Anyway.

-- V/H/A chew out Regal over his decision to, basically, let Bod fight H&A. Regal tries to cover his ass by reminding them that Bod's match with the Canadians is no DQ. Austin then *literally* needs it spelled out to him as to how this helps them.

-- Hunter looks vaguely forlorn as Vince then promises to go harass Shane. No, really. I can think of no other way to describe that expression.

-- commercials

-- They replay the highlights from Vince v. Shane at WM, as the graphic says it's from Raw on Monday. Jay basically rips the graphics guys a new one.

-- Vince dances a little bit (hey, look, it's genetic) and tries to pretend that he never wanted WCW in the first place. Yeah, right. Like Vincent K. McMahon'd turn down another step towards world domination.

-- Mike: "Shane's got plenty of guts!"
me: "Occasionally very little *brains*, but..."

-- I twice typo'd the above quote as "Shane's got plenty of guys." I believe this is my subconscious telling me that I miss the fic board and Whore Shane.

-- Vince literally goes near-comatose at the mere mention of the possibility of losing half of his money.

-- Vince goes on and on about the "private conversation" that Shane and BS had on Monday. Uh...Vince? In what universe does that constitute "private"?

-- You've gotta love when people miss their cues. Vince's idea of filling is to insult the person who hasn't come out. Too bad Hunter isn't here, he's always fun when that happens.

-- ........I forgot how disturbing the Shane/Show relationship really is. In ANY form.

-- Vince pulls out Heel!Shane footage with which to harass Big Show. Doesn't he know that Face!McMahons are *never* supposed to remind the audience that they used to be heels? I mean, they'd *never* remember otherwise! <rolls eyes>

-- Awwwwww, Heel!Shane is so cuuuuuuuuuuute!

-- Then again, so is the one standing in the ring right now trying desperately not to laugh.

-- Vince steals Steph's voice (seriously -- it must be heard), and BS chokeslams Shane, who goes into a pasty state that looks like shock, of the medical variety.

-- commercials

-- <blinks> There's still another hour til Sports Night? <sigh>

-- Moments Ago, Big Show attacked Shanage -- how much you wanna bet it's *because* Shane said he wasn't signing him?

-- Benny, thankfully, has a moment of clarity and goes back to his old tights. Because solidarity is all well and good, but not when it makes you look as hideous as that shade of purple does.

-- Tazz: "Benoit, he's a damn *machine* in there!" This makes me snicker, and I'm not fully sure why.

-- Kurt Angle stands on the ramp looking extremely self-satisfied, while the Dudleys kick B-n-J's collective ass.

-- I almost wish I was still writing Paragons of Virtue. Hmmm....

-- <hits self in the head> Bad plot bunny. Bad, BAD plot bunny.

-- J to B (who's beating up D-Von on a table): "Hold him down! Hold him down!"
B: <ignores him, continuing to happily beat up D-Von>
J: <shrugs and runs for the ropes anyway>

-- Benny winds up thrown through the table himself, and it looks like it hurts like a mofo. Jeri looks sincerely upset when he gets back in the ring to find Benny writhing in pain. <throws hand to heart> Awwwwwwww!

-- ...........

-- Okay, so I lied. There. Happy? <shakes head> I try to stop inflicting these things on you people, and get *no* help from the universe. Life mocks me.

-- On the other hand, if the universe *had* helped, I wouldn't be a very happy camper, and then I'd inflict *that* on you people, so I suppose it's for the best.

-- commercials, including Biker!Mick, which is a bizarrely interesting concept.

-- The Bod vid gets another airing. So did MM *really* sign this song over? Huh. Doesn't seem his style. Not that I know a whole lot about his style. But still.

-- Hunt gleefully supplies his own sound effects for the Raw vid. That boy is just way too much fun when he's not preoccupied with being the root of all evil.

-- Molly and Coach have an interview that's guaranteed to give you cavities, Joanie looks as if she's setting out to prove that it's not just pants she can lose, and Kevin Kelly wears the look of complete misery that used to be Mikey's sole domain.

-- commercials

-- Mark (re: E&C): "We're gonna make them famous."
Adam Muse: "But...didn't Highlander make me famous?"
Jay Muse: <rolls his eyes>
me: <pats Adam on the head>

-- Jo is *so* gonna turn heel.

-- Kurt talks to a dark room about Benoit, and gets the third degree from MC as to the reasons why. Well, except for the fact that Kurt can't *hear* Mikey. Ya know.

-- Jay: "No, Kurt's just saying all that for his health."
me: "He likes talking to empty rooms."
Jay: "He's gonna pull a CJ."
me: "You mean he's gonna tie him to a chair and --"
Jay: "He's gonna put on a submission clinic."
me: <too distracted by the realization that there are so many more interesting ways to finish the sentence I'd started, than the canon reference I *actually* meant, to figure out what the hell Jay's talking about> "Huh?"
Jay: "He won't have the legendary Gotch Gracie, though."
me: <catching up and just happy that he didn't notice I had a moment> "No one can."

-- commercials

-- Tazz: "I'm all about submissions and suplexes." I laugh, until I remember that used to be true. Then I pity Tazz.

-- Kurt: "I'm going to make Benoit *squeal*, over, and over, and over again!"
me: <drops pen, thinking, "Chris'll be jealous.">
Kurt: "I can tell by your blank expressions that some of you aren't getting this."
me: "Hey, don't you *ever* presume to guess the reasons for *my* blank expressions, buddy."

-- Benny damages Kurt, and then looks at the crowd confused when they cheer.

-- J: "You know what I noticed about Chris Benoit since he became a face?"
me: "He gets more crowd reaction?"
J: "Well, that. But he doesn't do his sadistic smile anymore."
me: "Ah, the Sociopath Grin. Could be because it *scares* everyone."
J: "That could be it."

-- commercials

-- E&C come out for their funeral...er, match.

-- The camera follows Christian and Rhino as Edge bolts ahead of them into the ring to molest it. I audibly whine. <grumbles> Stupid cameramen.

-- It's fun listening to Tazz repeatedly yell, "One arm!" It's equally fun to assume his accent and do it yourself.

-- You know...with these four in the ring, I think maybe I actually *am* going to finish reading Bitter Harvest this time.

-- Jay's face winds up in Adam's ass, courtesy of Mark. There's no other good way to describe that, and it *had* to be mentioned.

-- Austin strips to beat up Kane. (Okay, he just takes off his belt. But I still blinked at the screen disturbed nonetheless.) Thus occupied, H&A don't notice that Mark's pinning Jay over in the ring.

-- Hunter and Austin look frighteningly....*teamish*, Mark gets a nice closeup, threatening looks are exchanged by all.

-- And that's it for tonight. <mind immediately switches gears as Jen lunges for the remote> Gottagobye!

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