Raw, 4/19/04
(where the Canadians are everywhere. No, really. 'Cause they're in Canada. Yeah.)
-- The company umbrella package totally taunts me by listing Tough Enough, man. (*sniff*) I miss it.
-- The shot of Bisch is now a shot of Bisch and TEJ. OMG. Just... OMG. I have no words. (Well, okay, I do -- Bisch looked better in the old shot. I'm just sayin.)
-- Continually evolving opening into a new CJ 'Tron video. OOOOH. Also, Jay points out that he is now using the *old* version of his music, which apparently can be told by the drums or something, not that I've ever been able to figure it out myself.
-- Sign: "Canadian Beer and Trish -- both go down easy!"
-- JR appears to believe that Jerry has some kind of thing for Christian. His gaydar is *obviously* nonfunctional.
-- Jay (no, the other one) bitchslapped Ceej! Twice! I love it.
-- Oh, JR also believes that there is no longer anything between Chris and Trish, so I like to think that his straightdar is malfunctioning as well. Because. Sh'up.
-- But you know...this angle would have been ultimate with just one C/J kiss. That someone would film for posterity like the Anglesnar kiss. So that I could icon it. Meeeeemories...light the corners of my miiiiind...
-- Anyway. Today's "ASKHIM" is more of an "ASK! HIM!". So that you know.
-- Ceej grabs Trish and spanks her again. Wussiest spank ever.
-- Jay pulls Trish to safety, which winds up not being so safe as CJ launches himself onto them over the ropes. This brings us to...
-- commercials
-- Trish pulls CJ's hair to choke him on the ropes, giving him an eyeful of cleavage in the process.
-- Trish's jeans are nice.
Sickly, Jerry comments on them *just* as I'm writing this down.
-- Dear Christian: Learn to take the bulldog properly. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Love, Jen.
-- He pulls out the Falling Reverse DDT, which Jerry calls the Unprettier to Jay (no, the *other* one)'s great annoyance.
-- Someone just clearly yelled, "Beat his ass!" Heh.
-- Jay: "Oh my God, Christian's foaming at the mouth!"
Jerry: "It's a real slobberknocker, JR, I can see it!"
-- Some big bald dude comes out and kicks Ceej, and Jay wins. (Said guy has a CJ/ZW goatee, by the way, which disturbs me.) Trish fears him, but Jay is unconcerned.
-- According to JR, we can call Chris Benoit "Back-To-Back Benoit". Just in case you want to. Any of you. ....Yeah.
-- commercials. Jay flips to Music Choice, leading me to realize that, sadly, even St. Anger is a better song than Don't You Wish You Were Me.
(-- Sidenote:
Artist Fact: "Kirk Hammett took guitar lessons from the legendary Joe Satriani."
Jay: "Yeah, not that you could tell from listening to St. Anger.")
-- During The Break, Christian introduced Trish to her new "problem solver", Tyson something. Hey, we already *have* a stoic guy with a goatee who people randomly smack across the chest while they're talking to him.
-- Also, Jay accidentally dubbed C/T "Trishtian", which I will now be calling them for the foreseeable future. Or until they break up. No, I probably *will* still be calling them that after they break up, because my ships never really seem to die. I'm tenacious.
-- Benoit to the ring (Jay: "to cut a dynamic promo!"). Jerry sounds disgusted by the idea of "toothless aggression", which I always thought was a pretty stupid catchphrase myself.
-- Calgary, as expected, loves Chris Benoit. Dude, they're just happy he took down Shawn with the Sharpshooter, man, they'd feel this way about anyone who did the same.
-- Benny shouts out to the Dungeon and Stu. (Well, okay, there's that, too. That helps.)
-- Benoit: "I'd like to thank him for everything he's done to me --"
me: "*To* me?"
Jay: "We don't want to know."
-- He then says he's the only one to have made Trips tap. That's pretty bold. Can we get a fact check on this?
-- Jay: "...And somewhere, Bret Hart is laughing."
-- Benoit: "Chris Benoit is for *real*."
me: "Oh, I thought he was gonna say 4-EVA." (Fo-eva-eva?)
-- Enter Shawn, because he is *such* a glutton for punishment. He kisses up to Ben, says they're "a lot alike" (bringing huge heat from the crowd, to whom this is blasphemy...oh, I feel a scourgin' comin' on...someone get the towel, so Bisch'll be ready to wash his hands)
-- Then Shawn challenges Benoit one-on-one, which mollifies the crowd, because they respect that kind of thing (and also, it gives them the opportunity to heap abuse on Shawn all through the match). Benoit accepts. So of *course* --
-- In comes Bisch and TEJ. Jerry: "Here comes the *real* Showstopper!" Oddly accurate. Hmm.
-- Bisch: "I love that idea so much that there's no way in *hell* that I'm going to let it happen in *Calgary*." Hee!
-- Jerry: "People in Canada need to get used to disappointment. Look where they live."
-- And so, the match is bumped back to Phoenix. S+B shake on it, and stare at each other intently.
-- commercials
-- Rewind: Victoria/Molly at WMXX, and the resultant hair loss.
-- Vic (wearing pink and black in Calgary, as Jay points out) lets a kid kiss her cheek, and then fawns over him. She is mad cute, yo.
-- Molly's wig of the day is a little blond bob.
-- TICKER OF DOOM!
-- Splits, flying body presses, standing moonsaults. Jerry is still fixated on the "gyrations" that Vicky performs before said moonsault.
-- Molly loses the wig as usual, only this time, instead of running off or getting distracted for a pin or something, she goes totally apeshit and gets DQed.
-- Sign of the Night: "F*ck Spousal Abuse" (with the skull for the asterisk...CA's signs own me tonight)
-- In a white stretch limo, Evo arrives, all getting out of the car with their bling. (Dave accidentally smacks Ric in the head with the strap of his belt. Ha!) Trips is last out, looking disgruntled.
me: "Hey, Hunter, where's yoooooooooooour belt?" (I don't know why I feel this need to taunt the television.)
-- Todd NewGuy comes up, all, Hey Trips, you promised a victory and you didn't deliver. Then they stare at each other.
me: "Was that a question?"
-- TG spills about the Shawn/Ben match. Trips is angered. Shit's goin *down*.
-- commercials
-- Kane, for some reason in extreme closeup. He talks about why his career is perpetually in the shitter.
Kane: "I have shown...human compassion."
me: "When? ...No, really, when?"
-- I mean, honestly, of all things; Kane hasn't pretended to be human in a long ass time now, so why does he think that could be any excuse for his lack of angle?
-- Anyway, Kane decides that he "hungers for a sacrifice". In the BischCave, Eric pulls off the glasses as usual (I've figured this out; they're apparently just for watching promos and reading draft names...or something), and he and TEJ fret over this. Bisch references the fate of MostlyDead!Kurt (Kuuuuuuuuuuurt! (*sniff*)) and how much he isn't feeling the idea of sharing said fate.
-- Enter Regal, who's bitching about Eugene-duty.
Regal: "I'm sure I can serve you in much better ways."
Jay snickers. I laugh out loud. He gives me the finger.
-- Regal has misplaced Eugene again, and Bisch threatens to feed him to Kane. Er, Regal, that is. (I think Kane would want to pick his *own* sacrifice, wouldn't you? It's not like they're going to tie someone to a mountain and wait for him to show up.)
-- commercials. YJ Stinger is ten times the energy of any heavy metal band. Yes, even Fozzy.
-- MAFIA! Oh, wait, it's just Randy. (Well, that's okay too.) He looks sort of...dazed.
-- Sign: "Orton is tacky" Heh. See, it's funny, 'cause the thumbtacks...ah, forget it.
-- He's all beat-up. I'll kiss it better!!!! ....sorry.
-- He says something about people having bought tickets to this show ahead of time to congratulate Mick on his assumed Backlash win. Um...okay. Do *you* generally buy tickets based on who's won recent matches?
-- Wait, look who I'm talking to...none of you buy tickets. Never mind.
-- Jay: "I wonder who had the pleasure of taking the thumbtacks out of him."
me: (*long pause*) (*brain melts*) "HEE!"
-- Adam comes out, and says he's been watching Randy. MMM, STALKERY GOODNESS.
-- Randy's all, bitch, you ain't *nuttin*, and Adam's all, IT'S ON! Whee, midcard!
-- This brings out Everyone. Have you noticed all Ort's feuds commence the same way? That's the only problem I have with Evolution...they live to save his ass.
-- Mmm...Orton ass.
-- Bisch comes out post-beatdown, pseudo-stern, and books Batista/Flair vs. Benoit/Edge. MAH GAWD TEH RANDOMNESS.
-- commercials
-- Burn of the Night (sponsored by Drakengard, and *not* Kane): Cade saves Coach, for reasons that hurt my mind to contemplate.
-- Coach intros Mr. Personality Plus himself, Garrison Cade, and takes a seat at the announce table. Cade's fighting Tajiri. Guys, you're really not doing a lot to build my excitement here.
-- Ticker 2.0. Nothing interesting today. Darn, I was looking for a distraction, too.
-- Coach: "I guarantee you, nobody in the history of this business has dropped an elbow like that."
Jay: "Uh, yeah, Macho Man...and he did it better." (And this coming from someone who two seconds ago had approved of said elbow drop, which only goes to prove that we've got a knee-jerk reflex against Schiavoneisms.)
-- commercials. Long YJS freestyle again. (Two in one show! ...No, I do not COUNT, I...I hate you all.)
-- SmackDown Rebound: Kurt recruits Big Show, who guarantees results (much like Tony Little). Unfortunately, they turn out to be the wrong results. the crowd sings harmoniously to Show. Janet gets Torrie in trouble. (Have you noticed how I always refer to the makeup girl as Janet, without ever actually checking to see if it *is* Janet?) Show takes out his anger on Hertz (and I guess on Torrie by extension). Annoyed!Kurt tries to save Torrie, calls Show a big jerk, and gets killed for his trouble. BS shows no regrets.
-- In the ring, Eugene *owns* the Merch Cannon. Regal comes out to try and reclaim him. Eugene shoots him in the nuts. Comedy, Raw style.
-- commercials
-- Advantage: Edge! Canadian Pep Talk. Benoit says they're going oot there to destroy Evolution. Adam appears to be hungry. Very hungry.
-- Mixed tag: Amy/Val (OMGWHY) vs. Gail/Matt (theirnonluvissocomputerized).
-- Matt Fact: Matt has 44 different action figures.
-- Matt Fact: Matt doesn't waste time making his bed. (Wait, didn't they already use that?)
-- Kane deems this match unworthy somehow (not that I blame him). He punks out Val and grabs Amy. Matt looks angsty, then runs in to save her (and her bad hair). He winds up getting punked for her (OTP!). She tries to look scared and instead looks sort of like she's on speed.
-- commercials
-- Apparently we're getting an emperor's grandson who'll make us pay in blood. Um. Yay?
-- BFBE. On the apron, Adam appears to be randomly doing squats. CRACK TRIPLET FLASHBACK.
-- Ad/TFD crash into each other numerous times. Sloppy bitches.
-- Today's sign that I am deeply warped: (I apologize in advance)
Sign: "Benoit -- Still On Top"
me (thinking): "Well he sure doesn't strike me as much of a bottom..."
-- Trips, thumb to the eye, SPINEBUSTER OF DESTRUCITY, and we go to the last set of...
-- commercials
-- Return to TFD unleashing the MAFIA STYLE SHITKICKING (TM), which makes me glad I'm writing the Mafia!fic again.
-- Crowd: "We want Bret"
Jay: "Well, you're not getting Bret, so shut up!" (*pause*) "Or, if you are, it's not until after we're off the air."
-- SCM on Trips, Spear on Dave, and hey, Benoit/Edge just won the Tag Belts. Dude, every week that I watch this show, it makes less and less sense.
-- Parting Note:
Jay (as I'm writing down this result): "Jen! Benoit and Edge were head to head!"
me: (*long pause*) (*wails*) "It's not the *same*!"